With one, long finger, the Demon Lord Mickie plucked out a single peanut that was speared on his long, black fingernail. Staring at it, as if seduction was necessary for the peanut to find its way to the demon's stomach, Mickie slowly brought it to his mouth.
Oh! What delicious a delicacy it was! Salty, chewy, and overall flavorless and bland, with just enough of it getting stuck on the roof of your mouth or in the cracks of your teeth! Just the sort of thing a demon would like.
A low grumbling emitted from the content demon. Demons were not known to consume much food unless it was human flesh, potatoes, or something just as undesirable. However, these canned Peanuts that had a slight white mold on the edges, were like a treat. One that the Demon Lord desperately deserved.
For ten thousand years, he had been the Demon Lord of the Underworld. After killing his own brother, it was only given that he should be named as such. Every day, he worked like a dog. People came to him with questions, offerings, light bulbs (for some complex demon thing), oaths.
Certainly, Mickie loved the offerings. He had a whole new room created in his palace just to hold such gifts. But he could only suffer through so many potatoes. Even demons found those inexplicably excruciating. Which is why they ate them so often.
So, when Farm Dad Kim offered Mickie his prized possession of canned Peanuts so that Mickie would not take his farm away, the Demon Lord was beyond skeptical and grumpy. But nonetheless, Mickie ate one of the peanuts,,, and was never the same again. He was suddenly less grumpy. Some would even say he was content. (Although in demon terms that meant a titch above dangerously mad).
From that moment on, Peanuts became the love of the Underworld.
The Demon Lord, reveling in his peanutty greatness, ate two at a time. And that was when he died.
It was quite anticlimactic to be frank. The peanut had barely hit his tongue before he keened over dead in his throne. The court, that had simply sat there in astonishment as the Demon Lord ate his canned Peanuts, gasped as one. They rushed over to Mickie but there was no use as his body began to form a rather large pile of dust.
And hence was his younger brother named Demon Lord Jannit. And his first decree was that every canned peanut in the whole underworld must be cast into outer darkness, along with Farmer Dad Kim. Obligingly, and in great sadness, the other demons did comply. And thus began The Purge of Nuts, which lasted a grand four hours.
Alas, little did the underworldings know, their "outer darkness" was in all reality some random field in the middle of the human world.
For years, the simple minded humans had noticed the many things that had randomly shown up in said mysterious field. However, they were only mildly disinterested, as humans tended to be when it came to weird stuff. There was one day, however, where a human named Dean Dorothy skipped melodiously through the field, one single, splendid daisy behind his left ear. And then, he suddenly tripped on something that hadn't been there the previous time he went frolicking in the field.
Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.
Dean, now with a very slightly stubbed toe (more of his imagination than anything) fell to the ground with a loud cry. "Whatever in the world was such a thing as this that I did seriously injure my own limb over?" He shouted dramatically.
Through hard earned tears, Dean grabbed a hold of the very thing that had so seriously injured his very own limb. To his surprise, it was a very unsuspicious looking can of Peanuts.
Being encased with sadness and depression at the aspect of his toe, Dean began to weep. And as such is accompanied by weeping, he began to sob-eat. Ripping off the lid of the can with inexplicable finger strength, Dean consumed handful after handful of peanut. And, might he say, they were quite delicious. In fact he said these exact words:
"Oh! What a delicious delight that I do have in such a hand as mine! I dust not deserveth this! Oh, yes but I do! For this horrid, horrid can of beans has leveled the toe of my very favorite foot and in such, it deserves to be eaten by such as me!"
"You can shut up with the drama, Dean," Said Tessa Tender, her hands placed delicately on her hips, her lips firmly pursed.
"Oh! Such as you would never understand that pain that such as I have gone through for you have never suffered such a great pain! Oh!" Dean, then, promptly fainted.
With a long suffering sigh that should be reserved for mothers with frustrating offspring, Tessa walked over to Dean Dorothy and slapped him once on the face.
"Dean. Get a grip. We have to get to school."
Sighing as greatly as Tessa, Dean sat up from his ficticious faint.
"Fine, whatever. Let's just go. I was just having fun," Dean responded grumpily, wiping the grass stains from his white jeans.
"Why in the world did you eat those peanuts, Dean?!" Tessa Tender exclaimed, sparing a single glance at the half empty can of Peanuts. In a very surprised manner, she picked one of the fallen Peanuts up and examined them. "They're completely rotten! You're probably going to get sick sometime soon, dude."
"They tasted fine, I'll be fine," the idiot boy responded, not worried in the least.
"You can literally see the mold on them. You're not fine. What possessed you to have the stupid idea to eat some random canned Peanuts in the middle of some random field?" Tessa scolded boldly. "I didn't even know we canned Peanuts in the first place!"
"Well, they had to come from somewhere and someone might have just dropped them. You know how weird these fields are," was his incredibly weak excuse.
"That's exactly why you shouldn't have eaten it! Goodness, someone might think you have a death wish or something! You know what, you have to be quiet the whole way to school. I refuse to talk to you until you undoubtedly get sick and are on your death bed and then apologize to me and the universe for your existence and then I will forgive you and talk to you. But not a moment before that."
Tessa snapped her delicate fingers loudly before Dean could utter but a single word ("but"). She pointed in the direction of her shiny, red transportation device of mythical sorts (a red Prius), and all but beckoned him to follow. And like a good, but depressed, little dog, he did so.
Tessa entered the conductors side of the red transportation bug and slammed the door loudly behind her. Dean went slowly and miserably followed suit into his own seat.
It was then that it was clear just what sort of things canned Peanuts do to a human, idiot, boy.