“I WANT MCDONALDS”
“WE HAVE MCDONALDS AT HOME”
“NO, WE DON’T CHICKEN SHIT”
I look back at the little potty mouthed girl in the booster seat. She has begun to pout at not getting her way. Meanwhile, I’m trying to focus on going down an empty highway at 75 MPH, and not argue with an eight year old. I sigh, then take a breath in, trying not to shit talk this little monster. Focusing on the road I grip the steering wheel, bite my lip, and manage to speak out harshly.
“You know with that attitude, I guess I’ll be taking your toys back”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I had a size 4 sandal hit me in the face, followed by a slew of curses.
“NO YOU LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT HEAD MEAT FUCKET BUCKET, I WILL GUT YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE HERITAGE. HOW DARE YOU TALK DOWN TO HEIRESS OF THE CROWN, LEADER OF THE DAMNED, BEATRICE LUCIELLA MAGNOLIA HERETIC OF THE COLD AND HOT BUT NOT THE WARM. THE RULER OF HUMANITY….”
“OK OK I Got it, please not this spew again”
I say managing to avoid disaster and interrupting the next year of my life that was going to be wasted.
“hmph,” she manages to sound insidiously triumphant in her booster seat.
I managed to get all the way over and found the nearest fast-food restaurant.
I let out an expressive sigh to indicate I was sick of her little shit. I investigated the backseat to make sure I didn’t set off another ticking time bomb. I wasn’t scared of her or anything, just didn’t feel like arguing with a small child with a damn skateboard helmet on. Oddly enough, her strength far surpasses any toddler, no toddler could black my eye with a rubber duck… long story, and one I’m not proud of.
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I pulled into the drive through to order her meal.
I could see her taking notice of where we pulled into.
“This isn’t Mcdonald's… I WANT MCDONALDS” She steeled out, flailing her legs around and throwing her arms up in demand.
“I know it’s not Bea, but it is almost the same…”
Even I knew what bullshit I was spewing.
“WHAT UTTER BULLSHIT ARE YOU SPEWING”
See…
“BURGER KING IS NOWHERE IN COMPARISON TO MICKEY FUCKING D’S. DID YOUR HEAD FALL INTO YOUR ASS?”
“Umm, I can give you a minute to order if you need…”
The speaker rang through the half-cracked window alerting us that we were not the only ones in this drive through.
Simultaneously we responded.
“umm, just a minute would suffice…”
“shut it Fuck Face”
I rolled up the window to have a little talk with Bea, the little monster from hell who didn’t know when to quit.
“Look,” I said, then continuing “I know it’s not the same, but you can get a crown here, and don’t you want a crown, wouldn’t that be so cool for you?”
Her annoyed face went straight, I think I had her. She was on the ropes.
“A crown you say? Burger king is not just a king in name. I can be the burger QUEEN?”
Seems like I hooked her in, I thought. Giving myself a congratulatory fist pump. A smirk comes across Be'as face while adding
“Hmph, guess nothing less of a queen to have a queen sized meal. Bring on this so called whopper of a meal”
I could tell she felt like she had won. Her small legs were swinging back and forth all giddy like, while her hands were clasped menacingly.
I rolled down the window to order.
“Can I get 2 for 5 and a small fry with a small…” I look back seat for Bea's choice of drink.
She rolls her eyes, saying
“Apple juice, of course, nothing less befits a queen.”
I swallow all the nonsense I wanna spew at her nonsense and add the apple juice to the order. While we wait in the drive through, Bea clicks her knee pads together in a joyous way. Now that I think of it, when did this become the normality for me? Gazing into the back windshield of the happy families in front of us; my mind begins to wander. I start to wonder about how I ran into this little demon from hell.