“So…” I spoke in an extremely high-pitched squeaky voice, “Master Oogway, what brings you here?”

The turtle in front of me, who was much smaller than what I assumed Oogway’s height would have been, just smiled and said in a voice that would have implied great wisdom, had I not heard the words, “ Mine name ain’t ‘Oogway’, it's Kach! Why in the name of solid shells would you want to call me ‘Oogway’? That sounds like some kinda special tea! Do I look like some kinda personified tea to you? What even are you? You aint like no kinda Waar I have ever seen before. You human? Nope. Too tiny. Too scrawny. And your ears ain’t right.”

[Status effect- burned]

I have a status? Sweet!

[No, you just got burned.]

…

Oye! I have a feeling that I should be insulted by that, so I am insulted by that! Shouldn’t you be on my side?

[These notifications will notify you of your surroundings.]

Well, that looks useless…

[Yep, notifications are useless to people without the intelligence to understand and properly utilise them. Namely, you. Notifications are a unique perk you got for being the very first of your kind in this young world.]

[Of course, you must learn to use notifications well.]

Is your name… Notifications?

[...]

It is?!! Wow, suddenly I feel so much better about myself. At least I am just called… What is my name again? Why can I not remember my name?

Was it so horrible and gave me so much trauma that I forced myself to forget it? Did I really have such a bad name? Was it something like JJJJ? Jay John Jameson Junior? Or was it Chad? Please don’t let my name have been Chad. I’d rather kill myself then call myself Chad.

…

That was what happened huh. My gut tells me that was not what happened, but my heart tells me that is what clearly happened. I was called Chad and died of shame. Or even worse. I was named after a jewel and called Aquamarine! Or Diamond! The shame! The indignity! I do not blame you, past me. I would have done the same.

[Of course you would have… You are the same person… With a couple of your memories missing as payment.]

What payment? What did I pay for?

[Why, for your new life, of course. You think a fresh start comes free of costs? We took from you the most valuable thing you had!]

My… internet history?

[...]

[I shall not glorify that with a response. To make a long explanation short, my creator took from you all your pains, worries, and petty grievances!]

Wut?

[To make a long story short, My creator took from you all your pains, worries, and petty grievances!]

Wut?

[To make a long story short, My creator did not see the need to take from you your stupidity, but all of your pains, worries and petty grievances!]

I sense that I am being insulted somehow, but I am trying to remember my name as a rebuttal.

I failed.

Damn. So all of life’s memories is only worth a cloudy sky with a chance of raining humans, ie me?

I sank further into my contemplation over self-worth, just as something very pokey-but-not-sharp hit me in the foot. What? Did I stub my toe on something?

I turned my head around to look at a very unamused turtle (or tortoise, pick your poison. It is a very pissed-off looking Master Oogway. I will give you about as much as you gave attention to that one Mickey Mouse mascot in the last Disney World you visited.

You did not visit a Disney World? Well, that’s fiiiiiine. The above does not apply to you then. ‘Cause you will know how to tell the difference between a turtle and a tortoise.)

Alright. Me. How do you calm elderly looking turtles that are about to blow their tops down? Um. Raise your hands and try to look menacing!

That is for fucking Polar Bears!

Um- throw down pieces of your clothing and run away as fast as possible!

Alrighty- Wait, that is still advice for fucking Polar Bears! Those things have ADD and thus are compelled to sniff through any item I throw behind while I run, gaining me precious time as well.

Why in the name of the heaven-blessed soil I am standing on, am I thinking polar bear facts while I am being threatened of death-by-tiny-Master-Oogway.

Oye! Helper-Sama! System! Help me out!

[...]

[Act cute, I guess…]

Well, that’s useful. Who would have thought the best way to deal with a lonely old man in an empty hut who took care of me after I fell unconscious would be to…

Oh, I get it!

Thanks system! You really are kinda useful after all!

[Thanks, I guess… But that was not what I meant… I was being sarcastic… And I aint Helper or System, I’m Notifications…]

“Umm, I’m sorry mister, but who are you?”

The old turtle blinked at me, sighed, and went away with an air of despondency? Disappointment? Yep. Disappointment. He walked away with an air of disappointment around him.

Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

The hell? I mean, sure, I ain’t cute, or a kid, or a cute little girl, but a grown-ass man can say stuff like that too…

I felt my ears twitch (my ears do not twitch that easily, something else to add to the list of weird things that happened to me on this fateful day.) and redden. Along with my face.

Coincidentally, I felt my heart speed up for absolutely no reason as my blood rushed upwards… to give my brain the energy required to think so much so fast!!!

I drowned underneath the crushing weight of my inner doubts. So distracted was I, by the excessive blood being injected into my beautiful brain, I did not notice the turtle come back with a comically large book above his head.

Well… The book looked comically large on top of him. He was tiny, so it was your average old-school encyclopaedia? Encyclopedia Britannica, guide to all things transmigration and isekai lol.

As I tried and failed to distract myself, the turtle had gotten a human-sized chair from somewhere and had jumped on top of it, big book in hand (or top of head? I don’t know the language protocol for stuff you carry on top of your head.) and stood in front of me with his big book held out in front of him, like he was offering it to me.

Maybe it was a magic book that could let me speak to him? Was this new world gonna have magic for me?

Oye! Notifications- that’s too long, imma call ya Noticia from now on, capische?

[That is-]

Oye, Noticia! Any magic to be found here? And why am I not utterly in pieces? Did I get something extra taken from me in addition to my memories? What the hell?

[First, ok, I like the name Noticia, actually sounds like a name for one. Second, yep! Third, you are made of sterner stuff than you give yourself credit for! Fourth, nope! Fifth, nope, you ain't in hell. In fact, you are in a place literally called ‘Little Heaven’.]

[Oh, and loosen your jaw. It will be better that way. Even if you ain’t in any danger of losing teeth.]

What? Why should I loosen my ja-?

I had subconsciously loosened my jaw, for some reason, Noticia helping me out twice or thrice before was enough for my subconscious to trust him. Barely half a second I slackened my jaw, mini-size knockoff Master Oogway who was called Kach or something bitch slapped me.

The bastard turtle bitch slapped me! With the Nomicon-thingy!! What in the heck? Next time I fall sick, I’ll follow that old chinese recipe my Ma left me and cook me some good turtle soup.

The turtle packed a godawful punch, especially with a couple-pound book with a spine that felt like some kind of metal that fucking glowed.

Did I turn into some kind of Chernobyl hero? I did not want to die so young…

Is that the light? Huh. I did better in life then I thought I would. C'mere light! I'm right here! I see it coming closer…

Wait. That’s not the light, that’s-

[Heya kid! Now that you are well and truly knocked out, at least for the next few seconds, you need to know.]

What the fuck dude, uncool.

[Hey, I needed to get to you somehow. You were kinda busy. And were due to be busy for a couple minutes at least after waking up. This is the easiest way! PS- I cant see jack about your dreams till i show up as your stairway to heaven, k? No privacy breaches! I got standards]

Hmmm. Fine. I'll look the other way this time. So. What do you want me to do?

[Nothing!]

What? You’re saying I could do something if I tried?

[No! But you will make it much harder to live a happy life! That was the whole point of dropping you here!]

What? So you do know why I am here?

[No? Why would you think that? I only know what you know. And you don’t know any more than that one Gungan who made that one Darth dude Supreme King or whatever with emergency powers did about how much he would regret it.]

How… Do you claim to have all of my knowledge when you don’t know Jar Jar Bink’s name? And why in the name of the Starforge are you calling Darth Sidious ‘that one Darth dude’? The post is Supreme Chancellor, and he already had it! He manipulated Jar Jar to make the petition to the Council to make the position permanent till the end of the war, and to grant to Palpatine Emergency powers till that time.

[Wow. That is one heck of a rant to a voice taking free rent in your head replaying all the movies in real time as you tell me the plot points. Holy hell, the sheer amount of ‘Star Wars’ in here. What the heck did you even do to get such a large amount of unnecessary knowledge?]

They are good tidbits of knowledge! I stand by them!

[What’s the good kid, the kid of the badass dude in permanent life-support’s non-canon wife’s name?]

It ain’t non-canon! Disney did nothing after buying the IP, k? Her name is Mara Jade and she is killed by-

[Whoops, too much time in another IP. Alright, you are waking up now. Remember the protocol!]

What protocol?

[Exactly!]

Damn. Make it up as I go along?

[As all the best plans go.]

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I felt darkness cover my sight, but before I could wake up, I saw Noticia leave an ultra-long text for some reason. Did the idiot forget something?

[Alright, don’t be mad, ok?]

Immediately, I knew. Whatever text message that bastard left me, would make me extremely mad. I took in a deep breath, and let it go, along with all of my perceptions of that bastard of a Notification System.

It took seven repeats of this to calm down and make sure I wouldn’t snap out of my dream in pure rage. Then, I looked at the rest of the message.

[Umm, I don’t really know how to tell ya, seeing how distraught ya were when ya learned of yer lost name, so I’m gonna be quick and just tell ya the very basics (ps- that is everything I know. Ya wont really get more from little ole’ me for a looooong while. I was told (very politely, mind you) to feck off while ye are growin’. Bastard thought I was gonna be a bad influence or some such strange nonsense. Anyway, this is the last we will see of each other till ye think of yerself as a mature, grown-up person. What’s with de accent? Ask future me. Assuming ye haven’t found a way to strangle me out of yer life first.

Anyway. What was it I wanted to say that would make ya kill me? Oh ye. This was supposed ta be the very first thing ya hear when ye get snapped up by the Mother. Now, this is gonna be unpleasant, ‘kay? ‘Kay. Ahem. What I’m gonna spew is gonna be from my mouth but not from mine-er- yer, since I’m technically ye, brain. Ahem.

Let me tell ya again, mate, this was not my idea! I wasn’t even born till we were flyin’ forty-nine thousand feet above the sea! Hey, that sounds like a neat book name idea, maybe we should filch it some day?

Whaddaya think?

Anyway, all that aside, lemme come to the real meat of it.]

I thought of something interesting. Maybe I could learn how to punch the past? Maybe tell him to cut the damn crap and tell me already?

[Wow, something punched me in the gut outta nowhere. Ow, even on the back of the head, yep, Imma shut up and just tell ya. Umm, when ya got pulled over hereabouts, ya kinda-sorta, kinda attracted the Mother’s attention? So she kinda ‘fixed’ ya? Just a teeny tiny bit?]

What on bloody Earth did she do?

[Well, ya know fairies from yer world right? Well of course ya do, ya even love their tails, or the concept of them havin’ tails? Man, yer memories are a mess. It would take me like half my holiday time away from ya to sort through ‘em. What a huge pain. Anyway.

Ahem. You, my master, are the very first fairy born in this new world, and the place you stepped foot on first is your home and safety! You are expected to propagate yer race through the world at large, so she tweaked ya a tiny bit to make it easier.

Ahem! Shekindasortamadeyouintaagirl?OkImmagobyeeeeecyainacoupleyears/decades/wheneveryoustopbeingmad!

Message End! Hope you had a nice day!

-Noticia.

Ps- Nothing can ever reverse it. You are written into the world as you are now, that aint ever gonna change. Get used to it!.]

I snapped out of my dream spitting literal flames from my mouth as I felt my blood pressure reach insane levels impossible to reach for any except asian moms.

~Aaaaaaaand Cuuuut! That’s a wrap! Till Next time, On Angry Dragon A!!