Darkness. A deep breath. A sensation of energy spreading from the lungs, to the blood, to filling and fusing with the body. Nausea, a feeling of physical dissonance, dissociation and anxiety. A perpetual feeling of this being the end. A complete and utter failure of short and long-term memory, an inability to remember their name, why they were doing what they were doing, that they existed, what a human being was, that they were, what life was, what time was or that anything had existed in the first place. A lack of… Anything. A state of non-existence, a state of simultaneously observing sensation while not experiencing. Mana meditation was… A process. 

A mage after all, was only as good as their output of energy. No matter how much knowledge they possess, how easily their talent allows them to comprehend the multitudes of manners in which magic could manifest, it was all for naught if their body neither held the energy required for their intents or if their body was not accustomed to the amount of intrinsic energy contained within them.

A slow, controlled exhale exited from them. A sudden and abrupt disconnect from the oneness that was felt. A return to the sensation of being, the sun on their skin, the feeling of cheap fabric against their calves and feet. His eyes opened, an all too familiar, yet all too sudden, remembering of who he was, and with that- A violent expulsion of a glowing, translucent liquid from my mouth.

It tasted vile. It always fucking did, didn’t it? I gasped for air, blinking rapidly as I came to be again. I collapsed onto my bed, my body too exhausted to maintain whatever position I kept while sitting. I squished my face into the mattress, desperate for some kind of sensation as I tried to get a grip on it all. To some extent, I found comfort in the oblivion of it, for I could at least temporarily be liberated from the state of being me. The feeling of dying was comfortable almost, the feeling of the end of everything reassuring. Yet on the other hand, if all I did was escape from myself like this, I had to ask.

Why haven’t I just ended it all to begin with? 

A sigh escaped me, “I should have chose a different fucking major…”

Slowly rolling out of my bed and planting my feet onto the floor, I ran my hand over my face, pressing it harder as it inched down, the sensation of touch still oddly foreign to me. I glanced around my dorm room, blinking for a second as the finer details of myself came back to me. I peered towards the window, the blinds half-way opened, the light of the sun hitting my eyes. My study desk, an inconceivable mess littered with my laptop, various papers on magic circle references, lab instructions for Thursday and empty McDonald’s cups and white paper bags. The pinnacle of male living standards, truly. I stood up, snatching my eCig off my bedside table before taking the time to re-integrate with my neuralware, checking the time and loading whatever today's current events were into my head.

8:47 A.M. Still about an hour before class. Making damn sure my coprocessor for social interaction and communication was at least half-way synced and functioning, I stood up before making my way to the common area of my dormitory. While certainly a bit of a social faux-paus and more than disingenuous to rely on technology to do the talking for you as opposed to well… Yourself, I wasn’t exactly in the mood for it. It wasn’t like my roommates had anything interesting to say more often than not.

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Digging my keys out of my pocket and locking my dorm room door, I dragged my feet from the residential halls into the proper common area. It was always a bit of a stark contrast between the nearly sterile white of the common area and the somewhat dilapidated halls of the residential area. Honestly, the renovation of the common area without renovating the other parts of the dorm was a mistake. The retro vibe of the 2020’s was nice, and at least the building had some uniformity from a design standpoint. Now it just kind of looked like shit. Though, as I made my way into the kitchen, a voice called out to me.

“Ay, whassup Jay? You sleep well? Heard your mana meditation down the hall, sounded like you were retching your guts out bro. You alright?”

Always with the fucking questions this guy. Free of my own volition though, my face contorted into a smile, my coprocessor ensuring my natural reaction didn’t even begin to show on my face.

“Ain’t nothing much dog. I mean shit Jack y’know how it goes. Was trying that method professor whats-her-face was talking about.”

God, the subtle cheeriness in my voice was fucking sickening. What in the fuck was my coprocessor doing, making me seem like a goddamn normie and shit man? That wasn’t the vibe, man, not at all.

“Professor Akello? What, the uh… Thing she was talking about concentrating energy in your center before diffusing it?”

The coprocessor nodded my head, before I made my way towards the fridge and grabbed the leftover synthnoodles I had ordered the night before, grabbing an energy drink as well.

“Yeah, yeah- That thing. Turns out- Requires a lot more fucking concentration than you’d think. I mean it seems kinda obvious right? That you’d need to exert a lot more willpower actively interfering with it instead of just letting it flow through you and absorbing it, but like… Fuck bro.”

Tossing the synthnoodles onto a pastel pink plastic plate and into the microwave, I yawned. At least Jack didn’t seem to notice the damn near egregious reliance on my social coprocessor, even if it seemed awfully obvious to me. Then again though, even if he did, I doubt he’d give enough of a shit to call me out on it. It’d be one thing if we were actually friends, it’s another thing entirely when you’re just people living together because financial aid isn’t covering room and board.

“Eh… Really? I thought it was pretty similar myself, just had to like… Swirl it when concentrating it? I dunno how to really put it.”

Gee, nice little humble brag there, jackass.

“Swirl it, huh? I guess I’ll figure it out eventually bro. I’ll catch you in a bit though man, I gotta try and catch the train for class.”

Thanks for finally fully syncing with my thoughts you worthless fucking coprocessor.

“Yeah, yeah, for sure. Have a good day, Jay!”

Another involuntary smile. I tossed the synthnoodles into some pyrex tupperware and stuffed it in a paper bag from the cabinets. Heading back into my dorm room, I sighed, turning off my coprocessor before grabbing my backpack and taking a hit from my eCig.“Why does my commute have to be so fucking shit, man…”