003 - GRIFTS INSIDE GRIFTS
The boys ambled up the sidewalk and into a small cafe with outdoor seating. A group of men and women vacated their seats as the goblins strode up, muttering and hurrying out of the way.
“This looks like a good spot,” Dinty said, indicating the four empty chairs.
“Left a little something for us too,” Chumbles said, hopping up into a chair and starting in on a piece of cake leftover by one of the women.
Frink hopped up and began collecting drinks and pouring them into a single large cup.
“Frink, Lemme see that pamphlet,” Dinty said, snapping. Frink handed it over and began guzzling down the coffee blend he had put together just as the waiter came by.
“Gentlemen, if you’d give me but a moment,” the waiter began, awkwardly, “I can clear this table for you.”
“Ehhh,” Dinty said, looking at his two companions enjoying the remains of the previous patron’s order, “No. No, I think we’re good.” He waived his hand dismissively and the server gave them all a look before bowing slightly and moving off.
“Let’s see here,” Dinty said, reading over the pamphlet, “Private accommodation… three meals per day… structured activities and assistance for those with uh-” he looked at Frink staring at him over the top of a frothy, coffee/milkshake mixture, excess dribbling down his chin, “-disabilities. And, as for cost, looks like gold due monthly with an initial deposit of six months stay… with a monthly amount off - wow.”
“What’s it gonna cost us to get in there, Dint?” Frink asked.
“Boy’s I think we might be late to this grift. That Bateman guy is a real slick schemer,” Dinty said.
“No, no Bateman was there to take care of the olds, he’s not a schemer,” Chumbles said, “Real proper gentleman. He’s helping those olds hang on to their treasure.”
Dinty looked at him from over the top of the pamphlet he knew full well Chumbles couldn’t even read, “Really, Chum? Really? ‘Cause he wants 100 gold per month with six months up front just to check in.”
Frink spit coffee and milkshake all over the table, “That rat! He’s already grifting the olds!”
“My thoughts exactly, Frink, looks like he not only beat us to the treasure but he’s set the whole thing up so they bring the treasure to him,” Dinty said, nodding.
Frink looked upset, “Well how’re we gonna get it from him? It’s robbery, only fair we rob him back.”
“Don’t get too excited,” Dinty said, “Nobody’s robbing anyone, it’s treasure we’re after, and we’re treasure hunters - not robbers,” he chuckled nervously as people from a nearby table took interest in the conversation, “Robbers are hanged, obviously. We’re not doing anything like that, come on, Frink!”
Totally oblivious to his surroundings Frink threw up his hands, “Well, how’re we getting the treasure then? Bateman’s got that place locked up tighter than a priestess’s robes.”
Dinty thought it over a second before holding up a finger, “We’re missing something here. Can’t you feel it? Isn’t it obvious?”
Chumbles looked around slowly, clearly not following,“ Yeah, something. For sure something. Little more cake? Where’d that waiter get off to…” Chumbles said.
“No, not cake, what we’re missing is information, boys! We’re up here from Goblin Town, strangers in a strange land we barely know up from down! We need to talk with somebody who knows this world, the human world. Knows these people,” Dinty said.
“You tryna get us back talking with Bateman?” Frink asked.
“No, Frink, we need somebody who knows the streets. The kind of person even a skilled schemer like Bateman needs to speak with from time to time. A bottom feeder, with fingers on the pulse of the entire city.”
Chumbles stopped eating a second and looked at the other two goblins before pointing a confused finger at himself. He raised his eyebrows in a question of whether he had gotten the right answer or not.
“No,” Frink said, “Dinty’s talking about a real piece of work. The kind of human we only consult with when we’re at our wit’s end.”
Dinty smiled sardonically and nodded.
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“Heeeeeyyyyy!” Roach said excitedly as the boys walked up. His back was bent like he was well into his elderly years though he was only 25. He moved with a limp, and the poor condition of his clothes and sour milk smell of homelessness did nothing to improve his ugly scarred face and balding head.
“The boys are back in town! The boys are back in toooooown! Long time no seeee!” he said, voice wheezy and cracking like he had spent the previous night screaming drunkenly into the night, which, he probably had.
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“Roach! My man!” Chumbles said excitedly as he walked up and clapped hands with the street vagrant.
“Love seeing the goblins up top! Back on top! Yeah!” he said, energetic.
“You doin all right, Roach?” Dinty asked, eying Roach, “That’s a new scar across your eye there.”
Roach made a face, hideous and grotesque in its attempt to look light hearted, “This thing? Nothing at all, just a small disagreement with the local crime boss. Thinks I owe him money or something. Psh.” he waved it away, “You guys need something? I got fairy dust, crystal shavings - the good stuff, no quartz -”
“No thanks, Roach,” Frink said, “No drugs this time.”
“Little something else then?” Roach said, “Take a little stress off those old shoulders for you, Frink? Massage or…”
“Gods, no,” Dinty said vehemently.
Frink backed away and held up his hands and even Chumbles looked troubled, “You OK, Roach?”
Roach was silent a few moments before saying, “So I think the crime boss might have had the right idea. Come on, boys! I just need a little money to carry my forward you know I always deliver - anything you want!”
Dinty took out a copper coin and held it up, “Tell us what you know about that retirement home that popped up down the road.”
Roach eyed the copper skeptically, “Single copper for good stuff like that? Dinty! Thought we were friends!”
“Oh, OK,” Dinty said nonchalantly, moving to put the copper away, “If you don’t need the money then-”
“BEEN CASING THE PLACE!” Roach said suddenly, reaching out to stop Dinty who withheld the coin, “Soon as they came in. I thought, old people are perfect marks, nothing but sympathy for poor old Roach’s troubles, you know? But the cops kicked me out.”
“They what!?” Chumbles said, “Fine man like you?”
Roach straightened his back the best he could and put on a look of dignity, “Had trouble believing it myself,” he said, smoothing back what hair he had left.
“Well we wanna get in there,” Frink said, “Get some of that old people treasure, and get them out of there!”
Roach held up a finger in knowing complicity as he suddenly sharpened, “Doing the gods’ work for em,” he waggled the finger knowingly, “You came to the right man. The right man!”
Dinty rolled the copper coin between his fingers as he asked, “So how do we get in?”
Roach shook his head, “Oh no, nope. Gonna need more than a copper for that kind of info.”
Dinty rolled his eyes and looked around at his companions, “Fresh out,” he said.
Roach looked devastated. He thought a moment then said, “What else you got?”
Chumbles pulled a fistfull of mashed cake out of a bag he had on his waist and held it up.
“Is that cake?” Roach said, excited, “Give it over, come on!”
He took the cake from Chumbles and gobbled it down greedily, “Strawberries!” he mumbled in between mouthfuls.
Dinty made a noise of disgust before saying, “Right, so, anyway tell us what we need to know and the copper is yours.”
Roach took another bite and, mouth still full, said, “Place is locked up tight. Security like no other. We like to keep our old people safe, see?”
“Don’t remind me,” Frink said.
“But like I said I’ve been casing the place,” Roach continued, “And every other night of the week they bring in outsiders for a little show. Part of the benefits of living there - they bring the entertainment to the elderly so they don’t have to get out into the city.”
“Bateman keeps all the olds from wandering around and he’s taking all they’ve got?” Dinty said, impressed, “I’m liking this guy more and more.”
Roach continued, “If you can get yourself into one of the show crews, then that’s your ticket in.”
“How come you haven’t tried it?” Frink asked.
“Me?” Roach said, displaying uncharacteristic self awareness as he pointed at himself, “Even if they let me in it was always the begging grift I was going to use, no, it won’t work for me but for a crew of talented goblins?”
“I get it now,” Chumbles said, “We go in there, act as an entertainment crew, get everybody looking at us, and then the treasure…”
“Will be ours for the taking!” Frink said.
“When’s the next show?” Dinty asked.
Roach held out his hand for the copper expectantly, and Dinty handed it over.
“Next show?” he said, pretending to mull it over, “Is tonight.”
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The boys left the alleyway and a grateful and waving Roach behind them as they headed back in the direction of the retirement home.
“How’re we gonna get hired on with the show runners for tonight?” Frink asked, “We don’t know anything about working a job with humans.”
“Maybe we offer a little help? Some extra muscle?” Dinty offered.
Frink held up empty hands, “For what? Think the group that got hired to do a show hasn’t already handled everything they need to do the show?”
“I’m just spit balling here, Frink, don’t come after me!” Dinty said.
“Maybe they don’t show up,” Frink suggested, “We delay ‘em. Lose a wagon wheel or something.”
“Yeah? Then what, smart guy?” Dinty said.
Chumbles ahemed and the two other goblins looked over at him.
“Not now,” Dinty said, “We’ll get you some more garbage back at the bar. This whole thing is a bust. A huge waste of time.”
“But you said we’re gonna do something about the olds!” Frink said
“Guys,” Chumbles said.
“We’ll figure something else out, Frink,” Dinty said, “I just need some time to think.”
“Guys!” Chumbles said again.
“WHAT!” Dinty yelled.
“We put on the show in their place,” Chumbles said.
“Put together an entire show, get hired, delay the other show, get in, get the treasure? Just easy like that?” Dinty said, incredulous.
“Easy like that!” Chumbles said.
Dinty crossed his arms,“ This oughta be good. How?”
“I got a few ideas,” Chumbles said confidently.