Howard slowly opened his eyes. The light coming from the ceiling shot daggers of pain into his head. “Fuck that hurts” he said placing his hand over his eyes to keep out the light. He sat up and turned to hang his feet off the edge of the bed.

That is when he realized that he wasn’t in his bed. He opened his eyes and looked around. Not only was he not in his bed, but this wasn’t his room. The room was completely bare except for the light in the ceiling and the table he was sitting on. Another realization stampeded through his brain. He wasn’t sitting on a bed at all, it was too hard and cold. He jumped up and turned around. He had been lying on a steel table. One like you would see in a morgue. “

What the fuck?” he whispered to himself.

Realizations kept coming at him. The next one to show up was that he was cold. Very cold. It didn’t take him long to figure out that he was cold because he was dressed only in a t-shirt and boxer shorts. He looked at his feet and saw he was wearing some sort of moccasin type footwear. “Those definitely aren’t mine”, he said to himself. He shook his head to try and get rid of the cobwebs and decided that was not a good idea, as his head screamed in pain. Looking around the room he noticed a door. He had seen enough horror movies to know that the door was either locked for some horrific reason, or intentionally unlocked for an even more horrific reason. Still he had no choice. He walked over to the door. As he got close, a panel in the wall opened making him jump at the movement. “Christ!” he gasped. The panel jutted out from the wall and on it sat a keyboard. On the wall above the panel opening were the words Enter Name: below them was a flashing vertical line. He stared at it for a long moment, thought WTF and stared some more.

Finally he tried the door. It was locked. “Knew it,” he said. “Well might as well try.” He walked up to the keyboard and typed in his name. As he typed, the words appeared on the wall above the panel. Howard Buckley. He hesitated for a moment and then hit enter. Instantly a deep, booming voice sounded in the room.

“A thousand years ago a great cataclysm struck our world and opened rifts between the realms. Through these rifts came horrors out of our deepest nightmares. Creatures once thought only legend now roam freely across the land. For centuries now our world has relied on heroes like you to save those who cannot save themselves. Through the door in front of you there is danger and death, but there are also riches and fame for those who can prove they are worthy. Are you worthy, Howard Buckley? Let us hope so, for your sake and ours.” The voice fell silent and the room seemed somehow empty.

Howard thought what the fuck again. Then he heard a click. Instinctively he knew the door was now unlocked. This time he didn’t hesitate. He opened the door and stepped through into a cave.

The cave was dank and slightly damp. He looked behind him and was shocked to see that the door he had just stepped through was now gone. “What did that old bastard put in that last shot?”

Howard felt around on the wall where the door should have been. It felt solid, wet, and most importantly, real. He stood back, staring at the wall, so many thoughts running through his head that he couldn’t understand any of them. After a moment he turned his head to the ceiling and let out a scream of frustration and rage. “I’m going to kill you, you bastard!” Howard yelled to the ceiling.

The ceiling didn’t quite understand why it was being threatened, but didn’t fret too much about it. After all, how much of a threat could a middle aged man dressed only in his underwear be to the mighty ceiling that had been holding up the roof of the cave for eons? The ceiling thought to itself “not much”, and went back to it’s business of being a ceiling.

Howard, meanwhile, decided he had better find out what was happening to him. He looked around the cave for any signs of cameras, or recording equipment. When he found nothing, he turned to the exit. In contrast to the dark and dank interior of the cave, the exit was bright and almost inviting. Howard started toward the cave when he realized, once again, that he was only wearing a t-shirt and boxers. “Damn, I need to find some clothes.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, an image popped up in front of him. It was like one of those images he had seen in so many sci-fi movies. The ones where a spy, or cyborg, would project an image from their eyes. Except this one wasn’t green. It was semi-transparent allowing him to still see what was in front of him. The image was there for only a moment before Howard screamed “What the…” and stared swatting at the air. His hands passed right through the image. He closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened them again the image was gone. “What the hell was that?” he muttered to himself. He stood there for a moment and thought, “I wonder”, then said “I need clothes.” The window immediately popped up again. Howard flinched, but didn’t panic this time. The window was hard for him to see clearly as the light from the exit to the cave cut through the visual. He turned his head toward the back of the cave. As he did, the window moved with him and became more solid looking. He could still pass his hand through it, but he could now read it much better. Howard realized it was a standard RPG inventory window like you might see in a video game. He realized this, coincidently, at the same time he read the title at the top of the window that read “INVENTORY”.

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Howard had played a few of these types of games over the years, so he recognized the layout. There were slots for different body parts, such as head, hands feet, and others. These were all empty. Below these slots were several smaller squares, where he assumed you could store items you wanted to keep. In one of the slots was a shirt and in another was a pair of pants. A third one held boots while a fourth held what looked like a small sword. He focused on the pants first. When he did, a smaller window popped up.

Noob armor, leather pants: These stylish pants offer minimal protection against week attacks. They do however, show off your ASSets quite well. They are the preferred style for aspiring musicians that wish to impress the opposite gender, or the same gender for that matter. Hell, if you’re into different species, these pants will help you impress them as well.

Howard read the description of the pants through twice. What the hell he thought. “Well, I guess I should try them on” he said to no one in particular. The ceiling had decided to just ignore him in the hope that he would soon go away. “Wear pants” he said in the most authoritative voice he could muster. The pants disappeared from the inventory slot and appeared on his body. He flinched again then looked down. The pants fit him perfectly. I can’t believe that worked, he thought. He then looked at the shirt.

Noob armor, leather jerkin: This smart looking coat can be worn over a shirt or a doublet for limited protection. For a more breathtaking look, wear this with nothing underneath, keeping the front open to show off that magnificent muscled chest you have been working on.

“Wear jerkin”, he said, and the jerkin instantly appeared on his body. He didn’t flinch as much this time. Now to the boots, he thought.

Noob armor, leather boots: These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what you will do as you stroll around looking for adventure. Of course you can also run in them, as in ‘run away’, should the need arise (and it will).

Who writes this crap? Howard thought. I just want to put the boots on. The boots were instantly on his feet. The moccasin things he had been wearing took their place in the inventory. He flinched a bit at that. “Wow”, he said, “I only have to think it, that is convenient”. Howard spent the next few minutes taking off and putting on the pieces of armor by just thinking the commands. After a while he figured out that you could equip items from the inventory by saying things like “Wear boots”, or “Equip pants”, without having to open the inventory window first. He figured this would come in handy should he need to change clothes in a hurry.

Wearing his new wardrobe, Howard started towards the exit. As he got close he paused, I wonder if I should equip the sword he thought. The sword was instantly in his hands. Then just as quick it hit the floor as Howard jumped in surprise and dropped it. “Holy shit! What the fuck is going on here”. He yelled to no one. The ceiling, still ignoring him, said nothing. Howard gained his composure and picked up the sword. It was a bit heavy, but felt solid. Then again, he didn’t know that much about swords. He had only held one once before. That was at a renaissance fair he was dragged to with some woman he had dated for a few months. He wasn’t really a fan of that type of thing, yet to look at him now, one would think he was a regular attendee to such events. Howard looked the sword over, but it seemed wholly unremarkable. It was just a plain sword to him. “Where am I supposed to carry this?” he said. “I can’t just hold it in my hand all the time.” He looked over his clothes but there was nowhere he could put the sword. Then a thought struck him and he took a chance. “Unequip sword”. He said, forgetting he only had to think the commands. Right on cue the sword disappeared from his hand. “Inventory”, he said, and the window popped up in front of him. The sword was right there in the second slot, next to the moccasin things. He focused in on it and a description appeared.

Noob weapon, Sword: This extremely common weapon was forged on the assembly lines of Foorum Dore by a bunch of Dwarf apprentices. While this weapon is among the lowest tiered, it will still do enough damage to unarmored foes that it is better to use than your fists. Unless you are one of those monk guys who trains for years by punching a barrel of rocks to toughen up his hands. Then you might be better off punching things.

Howard read the description, sighed and shook his head, “Seriously, who writes this crap?”

With that Howard stepped out of the cave into his new world, and his new life.