In an all too bright lobby, I sat in a cheap plastic chair chewing on the eraser of a number two pencil while scratching the back of my head. "What are these questions!" I quietly exclaim to myself. Well, closer to a mumble than an exclamation. Hmm, I'm overthinking again, I need to stop. I also need to stop chewing on this pencil. It's gross. I'll have to apologize to the receptionist too.

Shaking my head I focus again on the form in front of me.

1. Have you ever considered suicide in your life. If so, please explain the degree of suicidal ideation and what steps, if any you took to prepare for it.

Tapping the pencil a few times on the paper I jot down a short explanation. I've always felt it better to be honest and earnest, and to live with the consequences. However, it's best to not to be too honest. That just gets me in trouble.

"I have experienced suicidal considerations in the past, but never taken any definitive action. If anything, I spent a lot more time considering how to end the cause of my suffering than thinking about ending myself."

Well, I thought to myself, that seems like a much nicer way of explaining how much time I spent wanting to kill my father, especially when I'm signing up to join an unknown mercenary corporation. A little bloodlust should be fine. Onto the next question.

2. If you were to disappear today, would you want to return?

I tapped my pencil for a bit as I considered this question. Not really, but they'll need more explanation than that.

"There's nothing holding me here. I've been looking for ways to move out for years now, and while I'm too old to join the military this opportunity seems the next best thing that makes use of the talents I've developed. I can still support my remaining family, even if our relationship is distant, leaving me with no regrets even if I don't hear from them again."

That was one of the more peculiar aspects about this job. My thinking was that I am being hired for some sort of black hat shadow organization. The hiring agent did state that this job comes with a 20 year no contact contract with anyone from my past life. That was extremely unusual, if not concerning. They were also looking for people who had skill sets in fighting and construction. I myself had nearly 5 years of martial arts training, and almost a decade of miscellaneous construction and woodworking experience.

My assumption was they needed people to build secret bases off in the middle of nowhere. That seemed fine to me. I've always been a sucker for intrigue and zeal. I could live the life of a secret agent. Romantic, even if it will probably suck in reality. Plus this job pays into a legal trust that would support my mother through retirement.

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My other assumption about this job was that the no contact orders were there to protect both me and my family. If I can't hear from my family, and my family can't hear from me, then it'll be a lot harder to blackmail one or the other. All so very clandestine. I smiled a bit at that. For my midlife crisis I'll become a spy; a secret rogue construction worker.

Ok. Onto the third question.

3. What is the biggest regret of your life? Why?

Damn, the hard questions. And what does this dang form mean by "Why?" Ahh whatever, I'll just fill it out with an explanation. This type of form is certainly all about the thought processes after all. It asks about the things that a background check will not reveal. Ok, ok, biggest regret, let's see.

"My biggest regret is that I allowed my father to control me for so long. I had a chance to leave and never look back, and I failed to take it that time. It took his death for me to recognize what control looks like. Now that I have my freedom, I'm taking this opportunity to set my own path. I regret not having figured out defiance sooner, because in doing so I could have begun helping myself and others much sooner."

That's the secret to these questions is to make your weakness a lesson, to make your failure a strength. I think I did the job here, but who am I to say? Honestly, my answers are probably terrible and I'm just deluding myself. Stick to the imperfect truth and hope that whoever is reading this understands.

4. Would you sacrifice yourself to save another?

Hypotheticals are tricky. I might be willing to sacrifice myself, but it depends. How much do I like the person? I'm no saint, but just putting "No" wouldn't be good form. Let's see.

"As a general rule, I would not. If I sacrifice myself, then I can no longer help. There are exceptions though. If I could save a lot of lives I'd probably sacrifice myself. But ultimately I'd rather try to find a way to hang onto life and find a solution that doesn't involve giving myself up."

5. How would you react if a coworker repeatedly did their best to humiliate and hurt you?

I'd like to see them try. But, that's not the right answer.

I answered that with an explanation of how I'd first resolve the conflict myself, then move on to finding greater authority, and if that didn't work, how I'd take steps to protect myself. From there I answered several more questions and got up to turn my clipboard with the numerous forms and question sheets into the receptionist.

I decided to pocket the pencil though. I felt embarrassed at chewing on it and I figured these guys can afford a 10 cent pencil. The old lady took the documents with a bored expression and briefly flipped through them.

"Ok mister. I'll ask you to wait 15 minutes and then we'll send someone to show you to your room for the night. Tomorrow you'll have a final interview and a final decision."