Great. So she would have to give up her free period--the one hour in the day that she actually enjoyed. What kind of justice was there in the world? Obviously none.
An astronomy elective?
No one had met the new astronomy teacher yet. There was no Highly Reliable Gossip to tap into. What was he like? What if she hated him? What if he was weird? Of course, that depended on the definition of the word “weird,” and after living with her grandpa, Elle’s bar was quite high. (It went without saying that astronomers were not only weird but were actually required to be as boring as possible. According to Elle’s grandpa, an expert astronomer himself, there was training and certification to prove it: They actually had to take a test to see if they could put excited puppies to sleep.)
Elle definitely didn’t want to spend her elective hour listening to some boring dude! Mr. Johnson had already cornered that market and Elle was running out of emergency daydream sequences.
As she entered the classroom for her (non-)elective, Elle noted that there was only one other person in the room: The New Kid. Of course. He was always around. She slumped into a chair across the aisle from him.
“You ARE following me, aren’t you?” she mused, thinking back to the museum.
“Ummm….I think I was here first,” the New Kid said, looking around the empty room, “so technically I can’t be following you.”
“Yeah, right. How convenient for you,” Elle cut in. “It’s just that you’re always…around…,” she finished lamely, beginning to feel stupid. He had a point.
“Well, I do go to school here,” he said, reasonably. “You’ll probably see me around now and again.”
“Mmmmm,” Elle said, unconvinced.
After a minute, he broke the silence. “I can’t believe that no one else is taking this elective!” Juan’s leg bounced energetically as he spoke, not able to hold in his excitement any longer.
“You chose this class? No-wait-let me guess--you love astronomy?” Elle said sarcastically.
“Yeah! Who doesn’t?!” His grin lit up his face. Elle glanced at him sideways, trying to gauge his sincerity.
*As far as weird teachers went, no one could be as weird as Ms. Turry, the astrology teacher that Principle Burke accidentally first hired for the astronomy elective. According to Highly Reliable Middle School Gossip, Ms. Turry was actually a psychic and could also read palms. Principal Burke finally realized his mistake after she kept foretelling his imminent death by decapitation and alternately recommending good days for him to get married. Interestingly, they often occurred on the same day. Principle Burke eventually had to fire Ms. Turry. Ironically, she never saw it coming.
“Astronomy and mechanics are my favorite—and engineering, of course....I wish they had an astrophysics elective here, don’t you?” he went on, oblivious to Elle’s sarcasm. “Did you know that they just put a land rover on Mars? That’s so cool!” He smiled.
Elle tried to repress her smile—she wanted to remain aloof--but she couldn’t help letting it slip out. His enthusiasm was contagious.
“This class is going to be so great!” He paused, noticing her flash of a smile, and added, “And what great timing! I mean, I’m surprised there aren’t any news cameras out today, right?” His face beamed.
“I don’t think this class is going to be THAT exciting….” Elle said, dropping the smile and looking at him quizzically. Is this kid into science a little too much?
“No, I mean, because of the meteor last night,” he said.
“You saw it too? You saw a meteor?!” Elle gushed, excitedly turning to face him.
“Of course-couldn’t miss it. It was spectacular!” He smiled. “Do you think we’ll talk about it in class today?”
Elle was too busy immersed in thought to answer. So the New Kid had seen it too, which meant that she wasn’t insane. Or if she was insane, the New Kid was insane too, like an accessory to the crime, or whatever.
Just at that moment, another two students trickled in through the open door. One of the girls had shoulder-length reddish hair with lots of freckles. Elle knew she was a regular at the Contagious Table, but she couldn’t remember her name. The girl chose a seat right behind the New Kid. As she passed him, she waved and smiled. He waved back with a friendly smile, “Hey Alicia!” The second student was a short girl with dark skin, braids and glasses. She sat in one of the back seats, closest to the door. Juan turned and gave her a brief wave, too, which she shyly returned. The group sat awkwardly in the silent classroom for a several minutes.
After another moment of silence, another student opened the door and strolled in.
Elle inadvertently flinched when she saw who it was. Oh, No! Kat! What are the odds? She had to stop herself from ducking and covering her head just in case Kat had “The (PFE) Crushinator” hidden on her person somewhere.
Kat glanced around the room with distaste, her glance lingering on Elle. “Great—I got stuck in the loser class!” She grumbled loudly. “I’m going to go complain to Principle Burke.”
Before she got more than a step towards the door, it flew open, nearly smacking her in the face. The door hit the wall, rattling the door hinges as a man breezed in. It was the strange man from the museum!
Elle watched in amazement as the tall, handsome man that she had seen yesterday-the one that apparently knew her name- glided past a stunned Kat, dropped a book and some papers on the teacher’s desk, and glanced around the nearly empty room.
Mr. LaPlume, the astronomy teacher was NOT what she was expecting. This was not the sweater-wearing, mustache-sporting decrepit old dude that she had pictured in her mind. He looked more like a rock star than a teacher: He was in his early 30’s with brown hair stylishly draping his face, decked out in questionably fashionable clothing and projecting an air of cultured indifference--all good rock star qualities. Elle decided that he would definitely fit in at a Psychotropics Anonymous group, but here in Clarksvile (a.k.a. the boring capital of the world), he stood out just a little bit.
Stolen story; please report.
Mr. LaPlume sat down, reclined in the chair, plopped his feet up on the desk and shook his unruly hair back. He looked expectantly at the five of them, while they looked back at him, mouths open, collectively projecting an air of bewilderment.
After a few moments of silent judging on all sides, he casually asked, “So, what do you want to talk about?”
Elle glanced over her shoulder and realized that the other kids were either too scared or too appalled to speak. Apparently, she would have to assume the mantle of the brave and thankless spokeswoman. “Ummm….this IS astronomy class, right?” she said tentatively, trying to politely drop the hint.
“Yeah, but what do you want to talk about? What do you really want to know about the universe? I’m assuming that you already know all about the planets in your solar system and that there are billions of stars in the universe, blah, blah, blah….”
Blah, blah blah? Had he just said that, or was she already starting to fall asleep? If so, that would be like a record. She pinched her arm, and painfully winced—Ouch! Ok. She was apparently still awake.
So this was not a daydream, but this was also definitely not normal. This man was not acting like a normal teacher. More like an escaped circus performer, complete with wacky outfit and sparkly gloves.
“No? Nobody wants to talk?” he asked, glancing at his watch, a large and expensive-looking electronic device on his wrist. “Ok. Fine. I’ll talk,” he said quietly, slightly bowing his head and allowing his hair to fall, curtain-like, about his face. He sat in this silent repose for a good full minute.
Elle was pretty sure that he had fallen asleep, when suddenly, his head snapped-up and he slammed both hands on the desk. “How did you get here?” he demanded loudly.
The students sat bolt upright in their desks, bottoms nearly leaving their seats. He looked like he was about to yell again, but then his eyes settled on Elle. Amazing, crystal blue eyes, Elle couldn’t help but notice. He paused mid-breath and looked at her almost quizzically.
She squirmed and looked away, trying to avoid eye contact. But his eyes remained glued on her, as if waiting for an answer. “Ummm…I usually take the bus…?” Elle squeaked uncertainly, trying to judge the distance to the door. What does this have to do with astronomy?
“Well that’s very environmentally sound of you. But, no—I mean, how did you get here, on Earth?” LaPlume asked with a slight smile. Or was it a smirk? It was hard to tell.
Elle wondered if anyone else thought it was weird the way he said, “How did you get here,” instead of, “How did we get here.” But she was too scared to turn around and look at the others, worried what would happen if she took her eyes off the man.
“Did you magically appear on earth?” Now there was definite mirth in his crystal blue eyes. They stood out like pools of clear water shimmering in his face.
“I think humans evolved or something, if that’s what you mean,” Elle mumbled, feeling like she had inadvertently stepped into the spotlight on an enormous stage and was now trying to back out of it as quickly as possible. Why was he singling her out? She stole a glance back at the other students. You guys can pitch in here, anytime you like.
“Sure, sure, humans evolved,” he said, like a man trying to coax a snake from a basket, clearly enjoying himself. His eyes intently focused on Elle. “But what did you evolve FROM?”
“Well…" Elle started.
Kat says something about her religion—and how she isn’t allowed to learn anything about science or anything else that would make her feel bad. It’s against the law. My dad is a cop, you know.
“That’s fine. I’m not suggesting there is an absolute truth or that you need to participate in reality,” he said, sliding in the zing while continuing, “What is it that scientists (a collection of individuals who have devoted themselves to discovering facts) say about human evolution?”
Kat butted-in obnoxiously, rolling her eyes, “We evolved from monkeys or whatever.”
“Ahh…no. Ok, sure, it’s true that humans have a common ancestor with our friends the monkeys, but we did not evolve FROM monkeys,” he said, his glance sweeping away from Elle momentarily to linger on Kat before resuming. “What about that common ancestor, where did they come from? Something less evolved, ok, fine” he said, answering his own question. “But if you trace the line aaaaaalllll the way back to the most primitive and primordial great-great-great grandparent of all pond scum---where did it come from?!” he asked.
Everyone was confused, looking around the classroom for some sort of clue, as if there would be a big flashing sign on the wall with the answer. It was a tough question. We evolved, period. From what? Where did it all come from? Elle realized she had never actually thought about it.
“OUTER SPACE!” he yelled, thumping the table with his palms again. The five students jumped and looked at each other wide-eyed. What was he talking about?! Judging by the look in Kat’s eye, she was clearly thinking that LaPlume had come from outer space, himself.
Fortunately, the bell rang at that moment, and the other students bolted out of their seats and ran over each other in their fight to get to the door. Mr. LaPlume, however, leisurely stood up, stretched, and started calmly stacking papers on his desk, totally unconcerned that he had just scared the pants off everyone.
Elle hesitated a few seconds then made a decision. Despite her instincts to join the mad dash to escape, something in her conscience compelled her to talk to LaPlume.
“Um, can I ask a question about the lecture?” Elle asked timidly approaching his desk. “Our ancestors came from outer space? You mean, like aliens?”
Mr. LaPlume looked up at her and the intensity of his stare nearly sent her sprinting to the door with the others. He looked much more serious up close, less like an Elvis impersonator, and more like a really, really smart man with a really, really strange sense of humor.
“Ah. Ms. Waters, isn’t it? Well, that depends on your definition of the word alien,” he said, quietly. His eyes were calm blue ponds. But under the surface, deep down, there was something lurking and Elle suddenly felt uneasy being alone in the room with this strange man who wore sparkly clothing.
“Ummm…something not self?” she squeaked, beginning to regret not leaving with the others.
He studied her face for a moment, a mask of seriousness, then smiled, and Elle felt some of the tension in the air melting away. “Well, then, yes, you’re absolutely correct,” he said, suddenly jovial again. He pulled a chair next to him, gesturing for her to sit. “But—let me clarify--I’m not talking about little green men.”
She nearly tripped over her boots with enthusiasm as she sat down. She was both excited and slightly frightened to be finally talking to someone about real things. Science. Evolution. Perhaps even paleontology, if she was lucky. Up close, she noticed that he had a slight shadow of a beard and soft lines around his eyes.
“Even accounting for the Big Bang—there is no way that life could have started on earth unless something else got here first. Many scientists think that an object close to earth went supernova, and the blast formed the elements that earth needed for an atmosphere to support life,” he explained, ticking off examples, “…hydrogen and helium….”
Elle nodded, trying to look intelligent and wishing she could think of something clever to say about astronomy. “Of course. Hydrogen and helium. That’s obvious,” she said sagely.
“…but that’s complete BS,” he finished.
Elle stopped nodding. “Huh?”
“Well, according to the great Astro-Physicist Marheim---you’ve heard of her, I suppose…”
Elle made an indistinct movement of her head, sort of a half-way, hybrid nod and shake which she hoped would be construed however LaPlume wanted.
“…what am I saying, of course you’ve heard of her! I suppose your Grandfather has told you all about her theories. Anyway, Marheim’s greatest theory, in my opinion, is her alternate explanation for life on this planet…” His eyes were hypnotizing. Elle felt like she could see a glimmer of movement within, if only she could look a little deeper. A little voice in her head was clamoring to be heard, but it felt like it was too far away. She could just catch the tail-end of the thought through the crashing waves of noise. How does he know about grandpa? Elle shoved the thought aside, noticing a lull in the conversation. LaPlume had stopped talking, and was looking at her expectantly, as though he had just asked her a question.
*Have you ever noticed these qualities tend to be synonymous?
“Well, I agree that there is a lot that can’t be explained,” she swallowed, trying to catch up with the conversation. “And grandpa has his own ideas about how life got started. But I wouldn’t ask him unless you have a few hours to spare. And some ear-plugs.” she added.
LaPlume chuckled, a deep, pleasant laugh, his warm smile catching Elle’s eye. Elle felt herself smiling back.
“Um, so did you see the meteor last night?” Elle asked, changing the subject.
“A meteor?" He asked, looking at her quizzically. "No, there wasn't a meteor. Nothing was predicted, and nothing was reported," he said, giving her an intensely inquisitive look. "What makes you think…."
Just at that moment, the second bell rang, interrupting his sentence. It also seemed to have awoken him from his trance, because he abruptly stood up, no longer the intense astronomer, and now the moody rock star once again. He opened the door for her and said, “Well, I guess that bell means it’s time for you to get to your next class.”
The spell was broken for Elle, too. She felt befuddled and slightly clumsy as she got to her feet and shuffled to the door. As she passed by, he said, “You know, you’re the first student to have the guts to ask me a question on the first day. I congratulate you on your curiosity. And bravery.” She stopped in the doorway and looked up at him. He smiled warmly at her.
She felt a rush of pride warming her from the inside. No one had ever called her brave before. People had called her many, many, many other things, but never brave. She was pretty sure that she was starting to blush, so she quickly accelerated out the door without answering.
So that was astronomy. That was definitely the best class she had ever had, and it was only the first one! She had an entire semester of classes with LaPlume!
Elle was feeling so perky that she decided to tackle the busy lunchroom scene. Ha! Take that, bad day! The crazy astronomy guy thinks I’m brave! Maybe after lunch she could become friends with the Scary Janitor! She was invincible!
She was also not watching where she was going and walked straight into Juan as he was heading to a table with his lunch tray. The tray splashed over her shirt, and clattered to the floor, silencing the room. The entire school got a good view of Elle covered in lunch-lady lasagna. Kat was the first to recover from the lack of oxygen caused by hysterical laughter and started a new chant:
“Elle-O-S-E-R, Elle-O-S-E-R, Elle-O-S-E-R! That spells LOSER!”
It was actually pretty catchy. She even heard Mr. Johnson humming it to himself in the hallway later that day.