Their plan isn't great. There's just a ton of stuff that can go wrong with it. Plus I don't stand to gain anything by going. So why am I tempted to go with them anyway?

After the briefing, Gideon had taken Len’s advice and gone straight to bed. Hours had passed since then. He was definitely tired enough for sleep, but it simply refused to arrive. His mind was racing, bouncing wildly between the upcoming assault and the argument he’d had with Edea.

Fuck it.

He sat up from bed, scowling, then got to his feet and walked over to the armoire, quickly throwing on some extra clothing. The floor was freezing, so he decided to put his boots on.

Fully dressed, he stepped out into the hallway. The villa was dark and filled with an eerie silence. The lanterns hanging from the walls had been blown out hours ago, presumably by one of the servants. The only source of light was the full moon hanging in the sky above the atrium.

Gideon trotted up to one of the windows to take a look at the stars and quickly noticed two dark figures sitting together in the atrium. He squinted at them, and realization soon came to him.

What are they doing?

Edea and Len seemed to be whispering to one another, though it was difficult to be sure in the darkness. Their chairs were turned in, and so close to each other that it looked like their knees might be touching.

Gideon stood in the window and observed them for a while, curious for lack of anything better to do. After a few minutes of spying, he watched as Edea suddenly reached her hand out to Len, who accepted it with both of his hands instantly.

It was definitely not a handshake. Len was holding her hand. There was simply no way to mistake the intimacy implied by the gesture.

Are they…huh. Wow. Didn’t expect that.

Quietly, Gideon stepped back from the window.

I guess I just assumed she wasn’t capable of that kind of thing. What a fucking hypocrite.

He ambled carelessly down the darkened hallway, placing his hands in his pockets to keep them warm. As he rounded the corner by Edea’s room, he noticed a dim glow peeking through the crack in the door.

It can’t be Edea, so is that Surelin in there? I don’t even know what room she’s in.

Hesitantly, he approached the door. After listening for any noise inside, he rapped his knuckles against the door softly.

“Surelin?” he asked.

He heard a soft ruffling inside the room, then a familiar feminine voice.

“Gideon? Come in.”

The door opened with a loud squeak that made him wince. He stepped inside the room, quickly closing the door behind him.

Surelin was half underneath the covers of Edea’s bed, sitting back against a small mountain of pillows. She wore a white sleepshirt, with short green trims along the collar. Her hair was untied and spread out against the pillows beneath her head. The covers were pulled up to her midsection, and a closed book rested in her lap. Only a few of the candles in the chandelier had been lit, leaving much of the room in shadow.

“Is this your room now?” Gideon asked as he stepped further inside.

“No. Well, kind of. I slept with grandmother last night, so I suppose I’m sharing it with her.”

“Oh.”

“What are you still doing up?”

He shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep. You?”

She shook her head wearily. “I’m the same. I decided to try reading to get my mind off things. You can sit down, if you like.”

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For a moment he considered sitting beside her on the bed, then thought better of it. Disappointment briefly appeared in her expression as she watched him sit down on one of the armchairs beside the table.

“Why didn't you talk to me about going along to save Edwin?” he asked.

A frown tugged at the corners of her mouth. “Because I knew you’d try to convince me not to.”

“Well, looking past the obvious danger involved, putting yourself at risk in order to rescue Edwin seems…counterproductive. What good is it going to do anyone if he gets saved but you die in the process?”

She studied his face for a while, thinking.

“Do you have any siblings?” she eventually asked.

The question took him by surprise.

“No.”

“Edwin is the only one I have. And with mother and father gone, grandmother and I are all he has left. Gideon, he’s been a slave for over half a year. He probably doesn’t even know we’re alive. I am not going to sit back and watch as he’s rescued by someone else. I’m going to be there to save him.”

“Hm.”

“I don’t expect you to understand.”

“Oh, I get it. I was just thinking that’s pretty bold talk for a girl who’s sitting up with worry.”

A tired sigh left her. “...I suppose you’re right. Well then, how do you do it so easily?”

“Huh? Do what?”

“Handle the…fear. I can’t stop thinking about it. This is, um…we’re really going to have to fight. Aren’t we?”

“Yep. Which is why you shouldn't go."

Surelin stared at him with alarm. "Why does it sound like you aren't coming with us?"

"Because I'm not sure if I am."

She processed his statement in silence for what felt like a long time. Hints of anger were in her voice when she finally responded.

"I see. I thought you'd changed over the course of our trip, but perhaps I gave you too much credit. Whatever happened to making up for the lives you helped destroy?"

"I did that," he said quickly. "I trained you. And I got you here, didn't I?"

"And I suppose that's where your guilt ends, is that it? What about Edwin? You helped to destroy his life just as well as you did mine."

The thought had certainly occurred to him, but the mission to save Edwin seemed so risky that he genuinely couldn't decide if it was something he needed to do. He stood to gain nothing at all from going along with them besides, perhaps, a violent death.

"I'm just not sure if it's something I'm ready to die for," he said.

Disappointment instantly filled her expression.

"So you saw everything you did for me as some sort of transaction. I'm beyond sorry to hear that."

"...What? I didn't say—"

"Gideon, you can't make things right by half measures. Thinking you can do just enough to compensate for your sins is simply missing the point."

"Hold on, I never said that! I just...."

"If you truly want to make up for the things you've done then you have to commit to becoming a better person. One who is willing to make true sacrifices for others."

"I saved you from the Kenanites," he said, anger rising in his voice. "I saved you from Romus and his friends. And I saved you from the Lake Men. But somehow that isn't enough? I owe you even more than that?"

"You saved me from the Kenanites as part of your argument with their king," she shot back. "It wasn't for the sake of doing the right thing. And you were so furious at Romus that I sincerely doubt that my safety even factored in to your decision to fight them. We could've attempted to escape, but instead you chose to indulge in your anger."

Gideon's mouth fell open with outrage, then abruptly closed. He wanted to object, but couldn't deny the truth in her words.

"The way you saved me from the Lake Men was selfless. And that's what tells me there's hope for you. But the idea that you owe me something is where you've gone wrong. You owe it to yourself to try and become a better person."

"And I have to risk my life saving Edwin to become better? Is that it?"

"No, you don't. But of all the times you've risked your life, this is one instance where you'd be doing it for an unequivocally good reason. And that's the point."

She sat up a bit more, leaning forward towards him.

"We need you, Gideon. You're the most amazing swordsman I've ever seen. Please bend those skills to the right purpose."

Gideon's gaze dropped to the floor by his boots. He'd wanted to help calm her fears, but instead the conversation had somehow become about himself.

"You still have a few hours before we're meant to leave. Will you at least think about it?"

Hesitantly, he nodded, his gaze still locked to the floor.

"That's all I ask."

A long silence then descended between them, one that Gideon soon found unbearable. He stood up, briefly making eye contact with Surelin before locking his gaze onto the door.

"Good night, Surelin."

"Good night," she called out after him as he left.

He returned to his room, barely aware of his surroundings, lost in thought as he laid down on his bed.

That's all she asks, he thought bitterly. As if doing something like that should be easy for me.

There had never been a time in his life when Gideon hadn't fought for, admittedly, selfish reasons. Whether it was for money or survival, he'd killed people often while fighting for the Singing Blades. Some who arguably didn't deserve to die, and more than he cared to think about. The sudden change in attitude Surelin had just described would force him to contend with everything he'd done over the last decade or so, to try and justify things he knew were unjustifiable.

The idea of becoming a different, better person was sorely tempting, but he simply wasn't sure if he had the strength to follow through with it. As someone who was kind-hearted, Surelin hadn't truly understood what it was she was asking of him.

A yawn suddenly escaped from him.

Ah, fuck it. Fuck everything.

He released himself from his thoughts, and the sweet relief of sleep arrived soon after.