Today I've finally decided to kill myself [https://img.wattpad.com/019e766a510e33b72abdae4f6903d201c2806c7a/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f41677474793166306c7a4b776b673d3d2d313238343836303339332e313732366135383761653232613966343232373930333937353430322e6a7067?s=fit&w=1280&h=1280]
Today I've finally decided to kill myself.
It's always been a thought in my mind, but I'd relinquish the idea whenever it would come up. My longing to just simply fade into nothingness always coalesced with the wavering thoughts that maybe I was just being crazy, dramatic, or ungrateful for my life, even.
I've heard several opinions on suicide. The most notable ones always came from those who couldn't really relate, as well as those who were simply too busy to be inconvenienced by such a thing.
When describing people with such thoughts, I often hear the word selfish being used. No one seems to be able to fathom how someone would just willingly miss out on their future, their loved ones, and what they have to offer.
What word would you use for someone like me who doesn't have any of those things?
The word can't be selfish because even if I had those things to begin with, wouldn't it also be selfish to say one's own desire to keep me around outweighs my misery?
Maybe the word for me could simply just be determined, because for once, I'm finally determined to take control of my life. A life that felt utterly meaningless. Happiness and peace seemed like elusive dreams, always just out of reach. There was nothing but unbridled cruelty that enveloped my existence. Each day felt like a relentless struggle. Shadows of darkness clouded every glimmer of hope, sorrow weighed down on my heart, and the once vibrant colors of life had faded into bleak shades of gray, and the world around me seemed to echo my desolation. I always hoped to gain the ability to simply numb myself-to distance myself from feeling any sort of emotion, but it was impossible. In the depths of my anguish, I couldn't help but feel. I felt all the pain, sadness, and hopelessness. It had become unbearable, and the darkness had consumed every inch of my being. I found myself at a crossroads, where the only escape that seemed feasible was to simply end it all.
The decision wasn't so tainted by obscurity when I was watching my favorite television show earlier, but now it's much clearer. My father had just gotten home from his trip to the bar, stumbling through the front door at his usually drunken state as he slurred out words that were made easy to decipher due to it's contents already being embedded in my mind for all these years.
He was going on about how much he missed his wife and how much I was at fault for her loss and how it should've been me that got lost to the crash. His words were paired with the usual kicks, jabs, uppercuts and smacks made all over my face and body. All of it was enough to leave scars, bruising and dark crimson splotches on my tender skin.
I've found that the tactic of curling up in a fetal position and closing my eyes to the faint memory of how my life used to be, slightly eased the pain.
When mother was still here.
When father didn't blame me.
When life was bearable.
Reminiscing about the love and joy I used to feel, as well as the need to stay strong for my mother, has been the only thing keeping me going all this time. And now that it's all slowly fading away, the timing to fulfill my plans couldn't have been any better.
I'm tired.
I've had enough.
To prove this, I swallowed down a bunch of antidepressants and aimlessly sprinted out of the house as fast as I could. I let out uncontrollable moans in response to the excruciating pain emitted by my aching joints. I slowed down once I was enveloped by the deep evergreen forest. The dew on the grass flew up to my legs as the hammering sound of my heartbeat intertwined with the lightning in the darkened sky.
I ignored the brittle snaps and crackle of the fallen branches beneath me as tears cascaded down my flushed cheeks. It didn't take long for my entire body to become drenched from the rain as my adrenaline somewhat minimized the pain I was feeling due to what happened earlier with my father.
I ventured passed the tall dark trees and merciless winds until I reached a familiar clearing. I inhaled deeply while brushing a hand past my thick, wet, golden curls, moving it aside from the blurred vision I had of the edge of the cliff.
My heart continued to pound as my legs unsteadily wobbled towards the edge where I was bestowed the view of the thick laps of water hitting against the large jagged rocks down below.
This is it.
I'm gonna jump.
I spent my final moments on Earth practicing a grounding technique I had learned from my counselor a long time ago. It was to help aid me whenever I'd become way too overwhelmed with high levels of anxiety, frustration, and guilt; guilt for my mother's death when it could've been me. It should've been me.
Name three things you can feel, Leone.
The hard rain patting against my flushed skin, my pain and exhaustion further setting in, a mixture of emotions that were all too hard to decipher.
Stolen novel; please report.
Name three things you can smell.
Fresh damp pine and cedar, a faint breeze of sea salt coming from the vast stretch of merciless water down below.
Name three things you can see.
Another booming thunder storm in the distance, my feet positioning itself towards the plunge, a few rocks breaking off the edge to remind me just how high my fall was going to be.
It was high enough that the impact from the fall would immediately kill me. I didn't exactly revel in either comfort or fear as the only thought I had on my mind was how worth it was all going to be.
Right?
After a brief moment of coming into terms with what was about to happen, I eventually closed my tearful eyes shut and finally threw myself off the cliff.
To my surprise, the fall was cut short due to my hoodie suddenly being hitched upwards from the fall. I widened my eyes in terror and let out a fearful yelp once I looked down at the great height that ended with thick laps of water smashing against the rocks below.
"What the-" I began to thrash my body around to see if I had gotten my hoodie caught onto a branch or something, but I didn't, instead it was a hand holding my entire weight up with unexplainable strength. "Hey, who are-let me go!" My voice cracked out.
The grip tightens to effortlessly pull me back off the cliff in one swift motion. My entire body crashed a few feet away from the edge as I wildly spun against the wet dirt and jagged ground.
I disappeared right into a coughing fit to regain my breath and composure, eventually turning back around to face the mysterious interceptor to my demise.
"Hey, what the hell!" I quickly wiped my hands over my face and squinted as the figure began to approach me. "Who are you!?"
Thunder struck in the distance, momentarily flashing a bright white light that was tinged with a burning shade of blue upon the shadowy silhouette.
I got to see him for only a split second.
He was tall.
Very tall.
"Stay back!" I unconsciously yelled out at the figure the second he began to walk towards me. "I-I said stay back!"
He didn't bother listening to my command as he eventually stops right before me, hovering his face right over mine. I finally catch a glimpse of his face in it's entirety. He had warm tan skin and bold hazel eyes that were tenderly hugged by his dark bushy brows and incredibly long eyelashes. His chiseled jawline and delicately flushed cheeks blended seamlessly against his dark, medium length hair that curtained the sides of his head in a sleek prince-like manner.
Dydan Demecrio.
I didn't know wether to revel in fear or absolute joy at the sight of him.
Him and his family had just moved into the house right beside mine and they differed greatly from the previous owners that moved out for retirement a few months ago. The previous owners were a lovely couple that's been married for forty-three years and I guess you could say I missed them in their absence.
The wife was bubbly and would often gift me cookies she'd bake while the husband was way more reserved and had a special talent for landscaping. I missed seeing their love withstand the test of time as they spent mornings and noons either sitting right across from each other on their porch or playing with their Welsh Corgi who really loved belly rubs.
Unlike the married couple, there were no cookies or stubby tailless dogs coming out of the Demecrio household. The Demecrio's were quiet, they kept to themselves and minded their own business like a unit of incredibly intimidating enigmas, except for Dydan. I would often see him riding his skateboard in his backyard as he'd occasionally look back at me drawing by my window. Except for a few moments of meaningless eye contact that was broken shortly after, Dydan and I have never really had an actual conversation before.
My thoughts eventually gets cut off the moment Dydan leans over me with a gaze filled with such unexpected warmth and empathy. Our faces closely aligned; close enough to make it feel as though everything in the world had stopped except for the hot, burning blood coursing all throughout my body.
What is this feeling?
Why do I-why do I feel like this?
I've never had anyone look at me the way he has before and I hated it.
I hated the way it's made me feel.
I hated him!
What really set me off was when he proceeded to extend his hand out to help me up.
I winced and met his hand with a swing. "What is wrong with you!" I got myself up and exclaimed, pushing him further away from me. "I-I already jumped and you-and you stopped it!" Dydan's brows furrowed down at me like a hurt and confused puppy as I was too mad to even let him speak. "Why!?"
He remained silent as I watched his eyes proceed to frantically shake out of unbridled confusion. I didn't waste anymore time processing the impending guilt at my attitude towards him. I let out a scoff before walking right pass him to return to the edge of the cliff.
My breath immediately hitched the moment I felt a tight grip around my trembling wrist. "What are you-let me go!"
He looked down at me as his hair was long enough to cover pass his fiery amber eyes, stopping just right above his glistening lips that were tinted a shade of crimson.
"I said let me go!" His silence only further intensified my anguish. "Stop it!" I attempted to pull my arm back as if he didn't totally surpass me in height, strength, and overall muscle mass.
The continuous view and feeling of his persistence to save me eventually breaks me apart in uncontrollable tears. I know I should take what Dydan just did as some type of rare act of kindness-showering him with endless gratitude-as he just offered me a second chance to face life with a new perspective, but that wasn't the case.
He doesn't know me and he never will.
If he wanted to show me mercy he'd just let me kill myself.
"Why can't you just let me go?" My voice shattered as my vision blurred, turning into a puddle of tears. "Let me go. Let me go. Let me go." I repeatedly let out in a soft, broken whisper, repeating those words until my voice had completely lowered into silence.
His grip on my wrist was followed up with a firm pull that eventually causes my head to collide against his stomach, his other hand gently skimming the back of my head in a calming gesture.
The sequences that followed shortly after slowly began to fade off into a blur. I could've retaliated against his soft warm skin crashing against mine, but I couldn't.
I was powerless to his embrace as everything in my body including my mind had faded off into a dark endless abyss.
So there you have the first chapter! [https://img.wattpad.com/7e14867be66c99bdc40bf9ad6c2a6a2eb429bc62/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f7353476c33574d532d74767451513d3d2d313238343836303339332e313732376538306466363734383962323630313736343938323030342e6a7067?s=fit&w=1280&h=1280]