I woke up sprawled out on my bed, somehow both freezing cold and covered in sweat. I had managed to work the blanket I was using completely off of myself. Looking over to the window, I could see that the sun was just then starting to rise. Chest heavy with what I assumed to be exhaustion, I slowly sat up, only to hear yelling followed by a THUD.

“Oh, it’s you.” I said, looking down over the edge of my bed. “Been a couple weeks, Funk.” I was peering at a two foot tall…something… A tiny man with the head the size of a basketball, a strange curly mustache, a big nose, and a combover. His name was Funk, a weird creature that started checking in on me every now and again ever since I gained use of my ability. He’d been popping in and out for about a year now.

“Clean up in here, Simon!” Funk barked. “And that silver hair of yours still looks ridiculous, so dye it back to brown!” It was like this every time he visited, constant yelling and nitpicking. It pissed me off every time, but I couldn’t really blame him. After all, the day he granted that power to me, I swore I was going to use it to turn the world on its head.

“It’s part of the look, uncle baby.” I retorted, taking a deep breath and trying to fully wake myself up. I didn’t respond to what he said about my apartment. For what it’s worth, he was right. The place was a mess.

“The look? You look like a delinquent!” Funk said sternly, giving me a serious glare with his stupid looking face. 

“That’s the point.” I reminded him. “Why would I want to look approachable?” I asked, smirking. “After all, I’m going to turn this whole world upside down! The first step is looking the part!”

“Still going on about this shit, aren’t you…” Funk said, sounding annoyed. “Well too bad, you’ve got a big day ahead of ya today, kid!” He exclaimed, too excited for me to be comfortable. “Don’t know how yet, but you’re gonna do some good today, so let’s hit the town!”

“What if I’ve got plans?” I asked.

“You’re single and unemployed, let’s go.” He replied.

“Hey, I’m not-” I tried to say, before I was interrupted by Funk.

“Stealing wallets isn’t a job, let’s go.”He said. I knew I wasn’t going to get through to him, so silently and with a scowl I put on my hoodie and got ready to leave.

I found myself strolling down the city streets with Funk following to my side. Despite his stubby little legs, he seemed to keep up just fine. And just like I thought, he didn’t draw any strange looks from the people passing by.

“So no one can see you?” I asked, continuing my aimless trek down the sidewalk.

“Nope! Not even other power users!” He explained.

“Gotch-” I paused for a moment. Something didn’t seem to add up… “There are other power users?!”

“Of course, did you think you were special?” Funk asked. “Maybe you woulda met a couple by now if you ever got outta the house!” He lectured. “You’d make a few friends if you weren’t so anti-social!”

“I’m not interested in making any friends. As far as I’m concerned, any other power user is an enemy of mine.”

“Have fun getting your shit stomped, what are you gonna do with an ability that doesn’t even work on people, huh?” Funk remarked, giving me a frown.

“That doesn’t matter. I told myself that if I ever woke up with powers I’d become a villain, and I intend to make good on that promise.”

“Yeah sure, and you also declared the very first day that you’d assassinate the president, and what have you done so far? Have you even committed a single crime since then? It’s been about a year, kid.”

“How do you think I pay for the apartment, dipshit? I’m ‘unemployed’, remember?” I said, looking around the buildings nearby. “No one’s watching...” I noted, before turning to the fancy looking car next to me. It looked pretty nice, and I could see exactly what I was looking for, a wallet. “Watch this, Funk.” I said, flipping my hood up. Sewn into the hood was a domino mask, complete with a string on either side to tie the mask against my face. I pressed my hand against the passenger window. The glass disappeared from around my hand, letting me reach in and grab the wallet without issue. By the time I pulled my arm back, there was a good sized hole where I had reached in. “Easy.”

“You look dumb in that hood, Simon. And stealing from the rich barely counts.” Funk said, dismissing my expert heist and my expertly crafted mask in the same cruel blow. “I don’t see how you make enough money doing that anyway. I know what kind of kid you are, Simon. If you were the type to steal indiscriminately, I’d never have given you your power.”

“You don’t know what kind of person I am, Funk.” I replied, undoing the tie to my mask and letting my hood down. “But if you’re so curious, I’ll show you where I get most of my paycheck. Looks like we’re headed that way, anyway.” I remarked. In reality, I was on my way there from the beginning.

Funk and I made our way to Neptune Jones Burgers, a grimy looking burger joint that was devoid of customers. A bell rang as I swung open the door, alerting the middle aged woman at the counter to our presence. “Yo, Kendra.” I said, raising my hand as a greeting to her.

“Simon, what’ll it be today?” She asked with a knowing grin.

“This place looks gross, you’re not seriously going to eat here, are you?!” Funk said disapprovingly, shaking his head.

“Relax-” I whispered, approaching the counter and placing my hands on it. “Onion burger, pickled buns.” I announced slowly and clearly.

“Right, of course, why would it be anything else?” Kendra asked, reaching under the counter and handing me a key. “Restroom’s to the left.”

“What?” Funk asked, following me as we walked further into the establishment, heading to the restrooms in the back. The leftmost door read Out of Order. I unlocked the disgusting looking door and walked in, grinning as we were met with a pristine looking bathroom on the other side.

“A hidden bathroom? That’s what this was all about?” Funk didn’t look all too pleased, but to be fair he never did. Silently, I walked into the only stall and looked down at the toilet. 

“Watch.” I said, Funk peering over the side. I dropped the key I used to unlock the door into the toilet and flushed it, watching it drop straight down. We both stood motionless for a moment before a quiet ding of affirmation sounded out.

“Huh?” Funk asked, turning his head as the tile wall next to us slowly lowered down into the floor with a dull whir. I stepped into the hidden doorway, a metal elevator with a single unmarked button.

“Come on, you wanted to see how I make money, right?” I asked, my finger hovering over the button. Funk gave a dejected sigh and walked into the elevator. I stood near the back corner, kicking my foot up against the wall behind me while Funk stood by the doors. 

“Just what have you gotten yourself into, Simon?” He asked as we descended further yet underground. The front door was just an open face, and we could see metal paneling fly by. The last thing I’d want is for my fingers to get caught up in that, which is why I stood at the back.

Finally, the elevator started to slow before settling gently. We were looking out into a single open room. There were a few doors near the back, but I had never been to wherever it was that they led. No, the main thing that attracted most people’s attention was the massive wall of T.V. screens that lit up the room. This included Funk, who was staring up at it in bewilderment.

“Yo, Mr. Rainmaker.” I said, approaching the man sitting in a roller chair in front of the console. Like every time I’d made my way down here before, he’d already turned around to face me. Only natural, considering the man had cameras everywhere I could think to put them. That included Neptune Jones and the elevator.

Rainmaker resembled Funk, at least superficially. He had the same balding hair and furrowed expression, though his body actually looked like a human’s, if not a bit short and fat.

“Simón.” He said, standing up. He always said my name with a bit of an accent, but I didn’t mind. It sounded cooler that way. “It’s good to see you, it’s been a few days since you’ve been by.” Even though he was standing, he was short enough that he still had to look up at me.

“This guy looks shady, Simon…” Funk noted. I didn’t want to respond to him since I was fully aware of the fact that no one could see him but me, not wanting to look crazy in front of my de facto employer.

“It’s been over half a year now since I’ve been working for you, right?” I asked, pulling out the wallet I had taken before and beginning to sift through it as I spoke. I figured Funk deserved at least some context.

“Just about.” Rainmaker replied. “Got any extras for me?” He asked.

“Just a few.” I said, pulling the ID, cards, and other important documents from the wallet and pocketing the cash for myself. “I’ve been off my game for a bit.” I admitted. As this whole exchange was happening, Funk was giving me a disapproving frown. Mr. Rainmaker, however, was giving me a cheery grin.

“Good job, Simón!” He said, looking over the cards in his hands. “I recognize this guy’s name, he’s a corporate bigshot of some kind. I should be able to get a good chunk of change for everything here once I get it all processed. Come by in a couple days, you’ll have a nice bonus.”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

I didn’t know what exactly he did with the documents, or what percentage of the money I was making off of them, but I made enough that I never felt the need to question it. “Only the guys who drive cars like that have anything good on them, anyway.” I said, looking over in Funk’s direction. His frown seemed to dissipate a little. “Anyway, I’m a little broke right now, so-”

I was cut off by Mr. Rainmaker’s chuckle. “Of course. I’ve got a quick job for you, here.” He bent down and picked something up from underneath his desk, groaning as he stood back up. He handed me a cardboard box with a paper envelope on top. The box was light enough for me to hold in one hand for a moment so that I could quickly stuff the envelope in my back pocket.

Holding the box with both hands, I took a deep breath. I had to concentrate, otherwise my ability would only affect the box itself rather than everything inside of it as well. I closed my eyes, when I felt the weight completely disappear I opened them again. The box, as well as everything inside, was replaced with nothing but a thin dust in the air.

“Excellent, thank you Simón.” Mr. Rainmaker said. “Ah, but before you go…” He reached into one of his desk drawers and handed me something. It was a candy bar. I grinned as I read the label. “New: Superego Bar, Extra Peanut Butter! Fuck yeah! Where’d you get this?”

“I’ve got my sources…” Rainmaker trailed off mysteriously. “They’ll be on store shelves in a month or so. But I know you like sweets, so I managed to get you a prototype.”

“Hell yeah, you’re the best!” I said, waving to Mr. Rainmaker as Funk and I made our way back to the elevator.

“Take care, Simón.” was the last thing I heard before the elevator started traveling upward.

I kicked back in my usual spot in the elevator, far away from anything that would rip my face off if I slipped. I could see that Funk looked hesitant, maybe even deep in thought. 

“I don’t like that this is the way you’re using your abilities, but at least you’re not out there causing mass destruction. Plus, that Rainmaker guy seems to care about you…” He eventually said.

“Eh, he’s just my boss… This candy bar is really fucking good though…” I said. It already was unwrapped and halfway eaten, but I couldn’t help myself. “But I should remind you, mass destruction is the end goal, remember?”

“That’s just something you’re telling yourself, kid.” Funk said, to which I only responded by rolling my eyes, remaining silent. I put the chocolate in my hoodie pocket and pulled out the envelope, flipping through the cash that was inside. There were various different bills inside, but included were a couple more hundreds than I’m used to. 

“Nice.” I said, putting the cash back into my back pocket. 

“What was in the box for you to be making that much money?” Funk asked.

“What do you mean, ‘that much money’?” I said. Funk was way too short to have seen, not to mention the fact that my back was against a wall.

“You wouldn’t have said ‘nice’ like that if you didn’t get a good payout, Simon.”

“Damn, you got me. Alright, truth be told, I don’t know. Evidence, I guess. Things people want gone. Not burned, not shredded, but totally erased. People with money pay a handsome sum for that assurance, and Mr. Rainmaker provides that service. That’s about all I know.”

Funk frowned at me, and we waited out the rest of the elevator ride in silence.

By the time we made it outside of Neptune Jones, I had finished my chocolate. “Hey Funk, check this out.”

“Simon.”

“I’m not gonna do anything bad, just look-”

“Simon!”

“Dude, chill!” I said, the wrapper fading to dust in my hand. “Don’t even have to find a trash can!”

“Simon, this kid’s been staring at you since you walked outta the door!” Funk yelled.

I slowly inhaled. “MOTHERF-”

“Whoa, are you a superhero?! You are! That was awesome!” I looked to my right. This elementary aged kid with an afro was staring at me, eyes full of amazement, smiling at me with too much friendliness for someone that was a stranger like me. 

“I’m a supervillain, so go away.” I replied coldly.

“No you’re not.” He insisted. “Supervillains don’t eat candy, duh!”

“Some do.” I said. “Like me, for example.”

“Nah, supervillains are way scarier than you are.” I frowned when he said that. Those words cut deep.

“I told you, kid, I’m a-”

“Can you help me?” The boy asked, cutting me off. “I got separated from my dad, can I use your phone to call him? I know his number, he made me memorize it! It’s 555-”

“I don’t need to know your dad’s number, dude. Supervillains don’t carry phones anyway.” I said. I made the supervillain thing up, but I was being honest about not carrying a phone. I didn’t have one.

“Darn, not even to play games on?” he asked. “My name’s Aiden. What’s yours?”

“...Simon.” I said with a sigh. I couldn’t just leave this kid here, so I thought for a moment. “Look, dude. There’s a convenience store nearby, we’ll go borrow their phone and you can have your dad come pick you up.”

“Cool, let’s go!” Aiden said excitedly. “I’ve never talked to a real superhero before!”

Aiden and I started to make our way down the street. I was hoping it would be a quick trip so that I could get the kid out of my hair, but he wouldn’t stop talking. Funk, however, was being strangely silent, with a smile on his face that made me uncomfortable. 

“What’s your favorite animal?” He asked me.

“...I like centipedes. Supervillains have to pick a scary looking animal as their favorite, so I pick centipedes.”

“Whoa… Bugs are cool I guess.” Aiden said. “Mine’s Godzilla!”

“Godzilla isn’t an animal!” I said. “He’s a kaiju.”

“Bugs aren’t animals either, so you can’t pick centipedes then!” I sighed when he said that. The kid had bested me.

“...Fine. Your favorite animal can be Godzilla.”

When we finally reached the convenience store, Aiden followed me inside. “You want something to drink, kid?” I asked. “I’ll get you a soda.” I planned to get myself something to drink, and didn’t want Aiden whining that he didn’t get anything.

“My mom doesn’t let me drink soda…” Aiden said sadly. “Mom says corn syrup’s no good for me. But soda doesn’t have corn in it, does it?”

I let out a huff as I glanced at the drink coolers. They were always more expensive, but… “Here, these ones don’t have corn syrup.” I said, pulling out two colas in glass bottles as they clinked together. They were made with sugar as the sweetener, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt.

“Sweet…” Aiden said. “Oh, and can you get me an ice cream too?”

“No??” I said, completely confused. I could feel the muscles in my face twist, looking at this kid as if he was crazy. “You’re a needy little… punk, you know that?”

“Pleeeease… I studied really hard for a test because they were throwing an ice cream party for all the kids who got an A, but I got a B…” He gave me a sad look I thought would only be reserved for if the world was ending. Before I knew it, I was walking over to the ice cream freezer.

“Go call your dad!” I yelled, opening the freezer. The strawberry shortcake bar looked pretty good, so I grabbed that for him.

We sat out by the curb, watching the cars go by as we waited for his dad to arrive. I could hear some horns off in the distance, which was weird. The traffic wasn’t usually that bad this time of day. Funk was still silently watching, looking entirely too pleased. Drinking a cola in the summer breeze felt pretty good, but thinking about that made something hit me.

“Aiden, you little shit! It’s summer, how long ago did that test thing happen?!”

“Last year… And my dad bought me ice cream after school that day…” he admitted.

I cracked up into laughter. Having a kid his age pull one over on me like that filled me with a strange sense of pride. “You might have it in you to be a supervillain, bud.” I said.

“Nuh uh!!” He said indignantly. “I’m gonna be someone who saves people, just like my dad!” Aiden exclaimed. “He used to work for the cops, but he’s like a secret detective or something now!”

“Well if you’re gonna be a hero, maybe you’ll grow up and beat me someday.” I noted. The idea of meeting a cop, former or otherwise, didn’t thrill me. “If he’s with his kid though, he’s probably off duty.” I thought to myself, taking a wistful sip off of my soda and looking off towards the road as cars continued to zoom by. Wow, that one was going really fast…

Before I knew it, the glass bottle I was holding in my hand shattered against the ground as I watched a blue sedan hit the partition and start flying towards our direction. Time seemed to slow down as I watched the car get closer and closer to me. Without even thinking about it, I was already standing in the middle of the road, my arm outstretched. I was scared. I had never used my power on something nearly as large as a car before but that half second of running on autopilot was going to cost me my life if I didn’t do something. I called out to that power, to the name that I had given it, and yelled…

“BOMBER!”

Before I could see what had happened, something smacked into me. The car was gone, filling the air with a large cloud of dust, so it couldn’t have been that. No, I managed to catch the unconscious driver and was sent hurtling backwards. I tensed up, expecting to be thrown backwards into a store window, but I was instead caught by someone standing behind me. The driver slumped off of me, and when I took a breath to calm down I could tell he reeked of booze.

“Fuck, thanks…” I said, my heart still racing. I took a couple shaky steps forward and looked up at the figure who had saved me. That was him. Aiden’s dad, it had to be. Their brown eyes and dark skin matched, but even more than that… That ‘never met a stranger’ smile was the exact same. 

“Dad, dad, did you see!” Aiden yelled, running towards us with his half eaten ice cream in one hand and his soda in the other. “The superhero saved me! It was soooo cool!”

I got a better look at Aiden’s dad. He was tall and I could tell that he was jacked, even under the beige trench coat he was wearing. Bald with a full beard, too. If it weren’t for his goofy grin and the fact that he saved me from getting a face full of glass, I’d be terrified of the guy. Not because he was scary, but instead the opposite. Aiden was right. He looked valiant. Like someone who saved people. Someone who would be my natural enemy. 

“That was so cool, wasn’t it, buddy?” The man asked Aiden, picking him up. Despite him being a normal sized kid, he easily sat on one arm. That’s just how large the man was. “I saw the whole thing!” His voice was surprisingly upbeat and friendly. You could definitely tell that he and his son were cut from the same cloth. 

“Don’t tell anyone about that. I don’t want the attention.” I said coldly.

“You’re not the first power user I’ve come across, far from it.” The man explained. “My name’s Mikhail, but you can call me Mik. Thanks for helping Aiden out, I really appreciate it. There was a crowd for some celebrity or other, and we got separated.”

“Don’t mention it.” I said, turning around to head home. After all that excitement, I was exhausted. Not to mention that I wanted to get away from this mess as soon as possible. Before I was able to get too far, though, Mikhail called out to me.

“Simón, meet me at Grandleon Diner at 9 AM sharp tomorrow.” He said. It was a strange request, but there was something else about what he said that bothered me. Before I had the chance to ask any questions, he started walking off. Aiden was waving excitedly at me, peeking over his father’s shoulder as they got further and further away.

“Well, I told you, didn’t I!” Funk suddenly said, finally breaking his silence. “I told you you were going to do something good today, and you did! Look at that!” He was giggling to himself like a little kid.

“Shut up, something’s bothering me.” I said.

“What? Is it about how that Mikhail guy knew your name?” Funk asked. “Aiden could’ve told him over the phone, it’s that simple! I dunno why he wants to meet you at some diner, though…”

“No, it’s not that. I’m not stupid… No, it’s the way he said my name. He didn’t have an accent when he said anything else, but with my name… he said it just like Mr. Rainmaker…”

Will befriending the young boy named Aiden be the catalyst Simon needs to turn things around, or will he keep moping around?  Just who is this mysterious man named Mikhail who seems to know more than he lets on, and just why does he want to meet Simon again? Does Mikhail secretly have a Spanish accent? Will Simon finally get around to killing the president? 

Find out next time in B.O.M.B Chapter 2: Another Power User? Mikhail’s Battlecry!