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What I Want

"Just relax, I've got you," said Rin. Khan couldn't help but fidget as she tended to his shoulder and forehead. Rin wiped any blood away from his eye and she tore off a piece of her miko uniform's sleeve and used it to start wrapping the wounds on Khan's shoulder. It came naturally to her.

"I told you I'm fine, I don't need any help."

"I'll believe that when you stop bleeding, now hush and hold still," Rin finished wrapping his shoulder before tightening the cloth.

"Rin that piece is important, you shouldn't damage your clothes," Khan protested.

"They're just clothes, I can get more. I can't get a new Khan," Khan opened his mouth to protest again, but when he saw the sincerity in her face he kept quiet. He closed his eyes and looked away in a huff.

"Well…whatever, just don't come asking me for tokens later. I don't have any money to give." Rin chuckled at that and smiled.

"You won't have to worry about that. We both know you're broke," said Rin.

"Hey!" Khan's face twisted into playful anger. Rin's smile grew as she whistled innocently. After providing the temporary bandage Rin breathed a sigh of relief. Her worries momentarily disappeared. When her hand gently rubbed his shoulder a moment longer than necessary Khan looked her in the eyes, both of them staring.

"Thank you Rin," Khan said calmly. A genuine smile had begun to form on the edges of his lips.

"Any time. Happy to help," uttered Rin. She slowly removed her hand from his shoulder and scooted back. The two looked away from one another, taking a brief reprieve after the vicious fight.

The two sat in silence for a few moments as Khan placed the head of Kyouji in a burlap sack. Rin looked at the severed head with visible disgust on her face. Khan took a glance back at her and flaunted the bag with pride.

"Why the long face, we got the fucker didn't we? Smile. Kiki, Johan, and Ming-Ming can finally rest peacefully in the Spirit Worlds."

"I know, I know, but do you need to treat his head like that?" she asked with disapproval in her voice. Khan in contrast simply shrugged and tossed the sack to the floor without a hint of care. Purple seeped through the fabric onto the concrete.

"Why wouldn’t I? Master Brock told us to get it back in blood so we did. I don't have an ounce of remorse for Kyouji. Besides, we were told to bring back his head."

"But why? Kyouji needed to be stopped I know that, but even a monster should have a proper burial right? You and I both know Master Brock's been acting a bit…unhinged lately."

"He killed our friends. This shithead killed his students, he wanted revenge. It’s simple really. A lion doesn't feel bad about eating a gazelle, a man shouldn't feel guilty over punishing a murderer. It's just nature taking its course," Khan started tying the string of the sack's hole to keep it shut. Rin sat there watching him with slight disappointment etched on her face. Khan noticed the look of disapproval and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I don't get you. How can you be so sweet yet so cold, such a hard-headed student but so loyal?" Rin, as if realizing what she had said, quickly tried to clarify what she meant. "I mean like you can be kind, but then do something like this."

Khan stared at her, but not with contempt. He'd only smile and look up at the fading storm.

"The world of cultivation is cruel. People across all Worlds understand this."

"Fighting doesn't have to be a path of an eye for an eye. There has to be a better way Master Brock isn't telling us. Think about it Khan, he wasn’t like this before. He used to teach us about fighting when necessary, and that life was sacred. Our fists were never meant to be used for this, to destroy when we’re hurt."

"Fighting is a path of hurting. A life of martial arts is a life of violence, death, and power. Do I like that it works that way? No, but I accepted reality a long time ago." Khan slowly stood up and tightened the bloodstained wrappings around his hands and forearms. Rin quickly stood up and stepped closer, hands clenched into fists.

"Don't do that to me Khan, I'm not stupid I know the world works that way. My point is that it shouldn't. We don't have to accept the way things are. I wanted Kyouji to pay, to kill him even, but there are certain lines I don’t like crossing," Rin's words seemed to fall on deaf ears. Khan was already grabbing the sack containing Kyouji's head and walking off. "Hey! Khan, I'm talking to you."

"And I'm choosing to ignore you."

"Excuse me?" Rin sped after him.

"I'm not about to listen to another lecture on what I'm doing wrong. I have Master Brock for that."

"I'm not trying to lecture you, I just want to know why you think this way," Rin confessed angrily. "Can't we be ourselves when we're alone, just once?"

Khan stopped walking for a moment and looked back at his fellow student. Rin was a true friend, he knew that, but like friends, they were fundamentally different. There were some things her eyes saw better than his, things he would notice that she couldn’t. Rin walked up to him, and looked him in the eyes, silently pleading for him to talk to her.

"I can't afford to care, Rin."

"What? Why?" A breeze washed over the two. Dead leaves from the few trees that remained in the large abandoned city went flying past them in delicate circles. "Please Khan, just talk to me. Master Brock isn't here, you don't have to think and act like a warrior with me. Let’s just talk like we used to."

Khan was completely silent, but after a few moments, he let out a sigh and turned away..

"Because I don't want to die,” he says plainly. Khan’s eyes focus on the clouds overhead, harsh drops of cold rain beginning to fall.

“Khan…” Rin whispers.

Khan feels a small drop land on his forehead, the water trickling down past his eye and down to his chin.

“The World destroys softhearted people, it always has. I watched it destroy my family, watched it leave us in poverty while people no better than us soared to riches. I want more for myself. To that end, I can’t afford to care about who I have to kill or who gets hurt along the way. I’ve got a conscience sure, but I’m not a knight in shining armor- I’m a warrior. You’re a warrior, and warriors don’t have the privilege of playing nice.”

Rin points at him, frustration ticking just a bit higher.

“You always do this, deflecting with the usual crap Master Brock feeds us. Why can’t you be honest with anyone about how you feel?”

“I am being honest with you. We had a job to do, kill Kyouji, and we did it. I don’t get why you have to turn this into a fight, I’m not so weak that I need a meltdown because someone died,” Khan replies coldly. He looks back at his friend, his red eyes peering into her blue with a look of annoyance. “Besides, it’s not our place to express how we feel. We’re supposed to detach ourselves from emotion. Emotions distract you, they tie you down and make you weaker. That’s the first thing we’re taught in the Mist Mountain Sect.”

“I’ve never agreed with that crap and you know it. People need to feel things Khan, it’s part of what makes us people. What’s going on inside that head of yours? You could’ve beaten Kyouji sooner if you were as emotionless as you say, I was watching the fight. You drew it out longer than you needed to. Why?” Rin steps closer to him, not backing down as she confronts him.

“Will you just drop it already? Kyouji just took me by surprise. I went in a little cocky, that’s all,” he responds with a hint of anger. “Just drop it.”

“Lies, again. You’re not arrogant Khan, you act arrogant. They’re not the same. How can you expect me to just drop this? What kind of friend would I be if I saw you dealing with something and just left you alone? Khan, I’m not going to judge you for emotions. I’m not Master Brock, just please, tell me.”

Khan clenches his hands into fists.

“I’m fine, leave it alone.”

Rin reached up and grabbed him by the jacket to pull him in closer.

“For once can you just be honest and tell me the truth!”

“They’re dead!” Khan shouted angrily.

The quiet fills the street, the only sound is the crashing rain. Rin’s eyes widen slightly, her grip on his jacket loosening a tad. Khan reaches up and gently but firmly grabs her wrist to pry her hand from his clothing.

“Johan, Kiki…Ming-Ming- they’re all dead! 12 years of study, training, and bonding…all gone! I said I’d kill the bastard who did it, and I did. They can finally rest now, that’s enough for me. That’s…that’s enough for me. It has to be…”

Khan’s voice held the slightest crack like a chink in the armor. He refused to show anything more than fury.

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Rin's gaze softened. The quiet between them deepened as if a large chasm had formed.

“So that’s why…you wanted to make him suffer, Khan I-”

“She called for me…Kyouji, he…he told me what her last moments were like. I don’t know if he was telling the truth, but I also don’t know why he’d have to lie. I…felt the truth in his voice.”

Khan lets go of Rin’s wrist, his teeth gritting together so hard he feels he might crack them.

“She was alone! She was scared! She was in agony! She called for me to save her, but I was…” he trailed off. Khan slowly turned around, not willing to face Rin as things were. He felt the pit of guilt in his soul like a blade that cut deeply. The wound was still fresh, the feeling of blood still on his hands. “I was too late.”

Rin’s heart ached, sensing how close he was to losing what little restraint over his emotions he still had.

“Ming-Ming never did anything to deserve that, to die like that. None of them did, but they’re gone,” Khan muttered under his breath.

“Khan, it’s okay to feel like this. You’re not a bad student or person for feeling what normal people are supposed to feel. We lost people important to us. Ming-Ming loved you, she’d want you to-”

“Okay? Okay!? None of this is okay, Rin! She’s fucking dead, nothing about this is okay! We all grew up together, we trained together, we ate together. Then one night we let those 3 out of our sight- gone!

The rain falls harder. Khan’s qi is only barely restrained. Rain that falls on him evaporates, a thick steam rising around his body that’s boiling to the touch. Rin takes a step closer.

“Khan please, just talk to me. You don’t have to keep it bottled up inside. You’re hurting, stop denying yourself the chance to grieve. You can be vulnerable, you don’t have to be strong all the time.”

She reached for his hand, to comfort him if only slightly but Khan simply pulled away and drew in a deep breath that filled his senses with the scent of the surrounding rainfall. His qi settled, his feelings tucked back where they belonged.

“We’re cultivators, this is simply the way things are. We live or die, and everyone constantly races to have the former. I want to live, and if you share that feeling, I suggest you get your head back in the game,” Khan said in an icy tone. The dark-skinned warrior’s eyes scanned the clouds for a moment, looking for the silver lining before he continued walking.

"Let's go. We’ve been gone too long," Khan kept moving without looking back. Rin stood there with a spot of sadness in her heart, but she quickly tucked it away and followed her friend. The two walked alongside one another in silence for an hour, their feet stepping through tiny puddles as they crossed a bridge. Rin would every so often look at Khan or brush against his arm, but he wouldn't react. It was frustrating but she also understood why. The dark clouds had cleared, revealing the setting sun over the city skyline. It was the golden hour and all things touched by the sun's rays were cast in brilliant light. Their path took them past vacant housing projects and broken roads. Streaks of dried blood filled the streets. A tattered stuffed animal with much of its stuffing ripped out lay in their path on the road. Specks of red had long ago stained the brown cotton. Rin’s eyes flickered to the toy for a moment, her gaze softening a tad.

“I wonder…what life was like before the war,” she muttered gently.

Eventually, they reached a staircase that took them underground and reached a tunnel. An abandoned subway is now used as an underground walkway to avoid people on the surface. Khan jumped from the platform and held out a hand to help Rin down. She mouthed a thank you at the gesture and took his hand before stepping down onto the tracks. The tunnel's walls were covered in a memorial graffiti image honoring a fallen warrior wielding a naginata. Candles and incense that had long stopped burning sat at the foot of the memorial. They came across a wooden sign that read "Light Needed" in permanent marker, next to the sign was a rack of old dusty lanterns. After a few moments, Khan dug into his pocket and pulled out a match before striking it. The small flame cast a warm glow over them that soon spread throughout their neck of the tracks. They used it to light the lantern. Rin remained close to Khan as they walked through the darkness. The deeper they went the more wild and untamed the tunnel system was. The section they were traversing was littered with debris and blood stains. The track led into part of a one-track route with hollow walls. If one were to look outside through the cracks they would see the vast concrete jungle behind them and a vast river below. After another half hour, they were now out of the city. Fireflies buzzed around the roots of trees protruding from the surrounding walls. Blades of grass swayed with the cold breeze that passed through the tunnel, water leaked from the ceiling that dropped onto a patch of orchids below. Beams of light seeped through the broken parts of the ceiling. Rin stepped over to the orchids to examine them, they were beautiful.

"Amazing that they can still grow down here, huh?" asked Rin. Khan nodded his head while waiting for her to finish checking the flowers. His eyes darted from side to side, keeping a watchful eye on their surroundings. He saw the faintest movement in the distant shadows.

"Rin," Rin didn't need to be told further. She returned to his side and kept her eyes honed in on their surroundings.

After Rin bid her goodbye to the flowers the two continued their trek. The whole walk Khan said nothing about their conversation on the surface.

“Khan, are you…” Rin trailed off with a thoughtful expression on her face. She wanted to hug him, to tell him everything was going to be okay. Yet, she knew right now the only thing Khan wanted was for this day to end. Time would heal all wounds, or so they say. “I’m sorry…”

When they next found themselves outside they were at the end of the track but welcomed by the sight of cherry blossoms, oak trees, and a pond. Khan looked around carefully before letting out a small sigh, he was no longer on high alert. He walked over to a rack with lanterns resting on it and placed their own on it after quelling the flame.

Rin leaned back and stretched. The battle was won and their peers had been avenged, but there was an unspoken understanding that vengeance hadn’t made the pain go away. She found herself lost in thought as she stared at the twilight sky. Pink and blue painted the clouds above in a soothing natural picture.

"Hey, Khan?"

"Yeah?" he responded.

Rin set her sights on him, quietly looking him up and down with mild surprise at his response. She had been expecting him to ignore her again.

"Has it changed?" The question made Khan pause, he seemed absent-minded, empty. As if he had all but moved on from their last conversation.

"Has what changed?"

"The reason why you fight, has it changed?" Khan went quiet. He thought of the battle with Kyouji, questioning even himself. He thought of the struggle, thought of his feelings as the fight played out. He thought of the vengeance for their comrades. Khan knew Rin was trying to take his mind off of everything.

"Has yours?"

"I asked first, come on seriously. You know why I do this stuff," said Rin. Khan shrugged and sighed.

"I'm not sure."

"What? Come on, seriously.”

When she looked closer at Khan’s face she noticed him masking the faintest of smirks. Her heart felt just a bit lighter.

“Stop teasing me," Rin gently pushed him. Khan managed a small chuckle before reaching down and grabbing a stone from the dirt. Rin stepped closer, taking a closer look at the stone. Khan rubs the edges of it before tossing it, sending it skipping halfway across the nearby pond only for it to sink to the depths below. "Seriously, be honest. No more secrets."

"Well, I know I'm not like you. I don't do it because I want to make martial arts a tool of understanding."

"Then what is it?"

"Why are you so interested all of a sudden, Rin?"

"You're my best friend, I think it's important that I know what your dream is. Maybe one day I can help you achieve it like you do for me," Rin and Khan stared at one another for a moment. After a few seconds Khan grunted softly while walking. Their feet crunching leaves underneath. They walked along a forest path on the dirt road. Rin stepped onto a long plank of wood held above the ground by some tree stumps, balancing herself while walking.

"I guess you could say my goal is to get what I'm missing."

"Missing what?" asked Rin with a confused tilt of her head as she walked across the plank.

"The experience of living. I've lived in this region for all 18 years of my life. But I keep wanting more," Khan looked up to the sky. The rain had passed, for now. The passing sunset left the sky darker allowing countless twinkling lights to be seen overhead. "My family's poor and aren't particularly important people, but I've always wanted to change that. It's because we came from nothing that we've never been able to see the wonders out there."

"The wonders? You mean the stuff in the other regions or the other universes?"

"Both, if I become a fighter known throughout every region and Spiral-World I'm sure I'll make enough money to make my family's dreams come true. Then nothing will stop us from getting to have everything."

"So it's still all so your family can live comfortably?" Rin asked.

"Pretty much, it's all I've ever wanted since I came to the sanctum wanting to learn martial arts. Once I become a Fighting God I’ll be strong enough to have everything I want, riches too."

"You sure have a simple dream don't you?" The sun had fully set and night had finally taken the sky. The light of Saarvatum- the great evening light of all regions- provided its gentle white glow across the Spiral-World. The sphere of energy was like a large moon in the sky of every region, regardless of time or space.

"Maybe so, but it's mine all the same," said Khan confidently. He spoke with so much pride in the goal. To think such a simple wish had set him on the road of the cultivator. She had expected something more ambitious, or at least something about Khan’s goal to have changed over the years.

"I'll never understand you at this rate."

"And what about you? Are you still hellbent on making people fight as friends?" Khan looked at her through the corner of his eye. Rin stepped off the wooden plank, crunching leaves underneath. She pondered on the question before smiling.

"Yes, I still want to make some changes to our home and I think that seeing how people in other regions and Worlds live will help me understand how to make our people better. Once I become a Fighting God people will respect my wisdom, and I’ll make my own sect- one where people of all walks of life can sit and drink as friends. I still believe we can teach people to use martial arts to better understand one another. Even if Master Brock doesn't agree."

"Guess I'll never understand you either. What a grand ambition," Khan said teasingly. Rin laughed and playfully nudged him in the stomach.

"You jerk."

"One of us has to be. Besides, I think you like that I don't try to be harmless all the time, like you."

"Are you trying to say I'm harmless?"

"Nah, I'm saying you try to be. But I like that about you. Not enough people care about being gentle," the compliment caught her off-guard for a moment. It wasn’t too often that Khan spoke so earnestly while giving praise. Rin brushed some hair out of her face and smiled. Their eyes locked for a moment, the contrast between them made clearer by the soft light of Saarvatum that enveloped their region.

"Thank you, Khan."

Rin’s finger finds itself gently wrapping around Khan’s thumb, a soft breeze making strands of her hair flutter softly in front of her face. Khan’s gaze narrows a bit, his other hand reaching up and gently brushing the strands of lavender hair behind her ear with his fingers.

“No problem…” he whispers gently.

They stay like that for a moment, a brief closeness they rarely allowed themselves to experience with the other. It was a rare sight for Rin, to see the sweetness she knew Khan was capable of. Rin’s eyes widen slightly when Khan’s face inches closer only for him to stop, his eyes closing as the thought of Ming-Ming comes to mind.

"We should go. We've got 12,000 steps to climb."

Khan gently pulls away from Rin, retracting his hand from hers as he walks ahead on the dirt trail ahead of them.

“Right…” she mumbles. Her eyes hold a flicker of understanding.

The two continued walking through their path in the forest until they reached a carved stone path leading up into a mountain range shrouded in mist. A large red torii of wood framed the start of the path. Two stone lion statues stood on either side of the entrance. Small red lanterns illuminated the path for them. Khan motioned for Rin to walk through first, she nodded her head and gently stepped beyond the statues. Khan walked behind her in case she fell, making sure to keep his eyes anywhere but up. As they walked up the steps the negative stain of whatever was outside the threshold fell away, kept out by the sanctum's first of many barriers.