Cartalis couldn’t speak.

Well, that was perhaps an exaggeration. Cartalis was fully physically equipped to speak, she’d forgotten no words, and she suffered from no illness that scratched her throat or otherwise prevented her from talking. However, in her current mood, the idea of forming words seemed like it was just so much effort. To talk meant to think the words over in her head, to find the right ways to express herself, to force the ever-changing maelstrom of thoughts into something sensible, and then at last open her mouth and form the sounds. It was a challenging task on the best of days.

Today was not the best of days. The classroom environment that she’d grown to love so today felt oppressive. Students sauntered in, happily chatting with their mates about how Teacher such-and-such deserved to be fired or how their girlfriend was so disrespectful or some other nonsense. Normally tuning it out was no great difficulty, but today… Today it was so damned overwhelming. Today she just wished they would all shut. Up.

Can’t you see how loud you are?

Can’t you see nobody cares about your meaningless struggles?

Can’t you see how angry I am?

Shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP.

It wasn’t rational, of course. Could others see inside Cartalis’ mind to the turmoil she felt? Cartalis knew in her heart of hearts that their struggles weren’t worthless, even if she couldn’t bring herself to care at this moment. Even she didn’t fully understand how the events of yesterday would affect her so, to such an extent she nearly stayed in her dorm and idly read her books - but a straight record of never missing a day of class was still too important to her, so she put up with the torture and attended just as she would any other day. Sit at the front of the overlarge lecture room, notebook and pen before her, ready to take notes, no matter how little she could bring herself to care today and no matter how much she wanted to simply curl up in a ball in some corner and think about nothi-

“Hi, Cartalis!”

Ah. Arenya had just arrived. Bubbly and eager and highly emotive as usual. Her presence was usually a joy, with her eager grin and her creativity and her ever-genuine, if not always successful, attempts to learn everything she could about mana and channeling. Arenya deserved a hearty greeting befitting the friend she was. Her blue dress matched her well this day. How could she remain so excited so frequently? Or was she simply able to hide her emotions will, like Cartalis could on most days that weren’t today? She wasn’t sure.

Cartalis raised her hand in a vague impression of a wave. She was glad Arenya was here, of course she was, but she didn’t want to talk. All she wanted was for Professor Kazurist to enter, for the lecture to begin, and then to end, and then she could go home and stew in her own mind in peaceful solitude.

But while she was here, having someone next to her, even just silently being there, was a comfort. Just as long as she didn’t try to engage her in c-

“So how are you doing?”

Of course, Arenya had no way of knowing anything was awry and would get up to her usual joyous greeting without a moment’s hesitation. No blame could be placed on her, but Cartalis felt a searing flash of frustration anyway.

Cartalis shrugged, hoping that was enough of an answer.

Arenya, alas, was unsatisfied.

“Have you gotten any more research done?”

A slight nod.

“How’s the costume design coming along with Ya’el?”

A tilt of the hand in a so-so gesture.

“Drav was telling me all about the idea you came up with for how the automata would enter for the fight scene. I’m looking forward to seeing it in action. How about you?”

If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

Shut up shut up shut up shut up sh-

No. No, no, no. Cartalis shoved her undeserved anger deep within herself. Arenya deserved better than that. She had no wrongdoing here, merely ignorance that Cartalis was in such poor spirits. To lash out at her would be amoral beyond belief. Just… just answer her, dammit, just -

“Are you okay? You look really upset.”

…

Oh.

She noticed.

Someone noticed.

That mere realization that someone, anyone at all, could be aware of her plight, was… heartening wasn’t quite the right word, but it’s the word that occurred to Cartalis at that moment.

Her shoulders slumped and she sighed heavily.

Arenya reached out towards Cartalis. “I… Do you need somethi-”

Cartalis flinched away from Arenya’s hand just before it came into contact with her shoulder. “Don’t touch me.”

Cartalis wasn’t sure what was worse - that those were nearly the first words she’d said all day, or that she couldn’t bring herself to feel the least bit of remorse for saying it.

“Oh! I’m sorry.”

“’T’s all right,” muttered Cartalis before laying her forearms on the table and resting her head in them. Normally, when she found herself this upset - a rare occurrence, to be sure - after the first instance where she would force herself to speak, she’d realize that words weren’t so challenging after all and be able to keep up a conversation, at least for a small while. This time, however, that was all the speaking she could muster. She didn’t want to answer any more of Arenya’s questions, even if they deserved an answer. She didn’t not care about Arenya - forfend such a thought! - but to give adequate answers seemed too much effort. Just let her lie there in silence for a few moments, ’twas all she wished.

The next few minutes before Professor Kazurist arrived passed in silence between them, though the rest of the room remained raucous. Despite that not a word passed between them, and despite Cartalis’ frustration at Arenya’s (admittedly well-intentioned) attempt to hug her, and despite that Cartalis wished to be alone, there was a comfort in knowing someone else was there, feeling something with her. Arenya did not know what upset Cartalis so, nor would she, for Cartalis wished to keep it to herself. But having someone else to feel concerned for Cartalis, to share with her some sympathy on her behalf, even indirectly so, felt… good, somehow. Her vocabulary failed her here.

The room quieted when Professor Kazurist entered. Cartalis lifted her head and took a handful of notes during the opening minutes of the lecture, before ultimately laying her head back on the table and idly listening. It was mostly review anyway, given that the first semester was nearing its end and exams beginning to approach. This too was a comfort, to hear a professor’s excited, but not too excited, voice carry on about a topic she cared about so. Even if she could not bring herself to take notes, pay especially close attention, or even look around, it still relaxed her to hear the familiar terms, the classic equations, the occasional pun…

Cartalis realized after a moment that she was crying. At that, she resolved to keep her head down for a time longer. She didn’t wish for anyone else to bother, or to ask the stupid questions they always did about how they could help or provide the same handful of insipid and meaningless platitudes.

A hubbub of conversation began. It took a moment for Cartalis to realize Professor Kazurist had asked them to answer a question in small groups before he would provide the real answer. This, thankfully, was a deal more muted than what had occurred before class, so that it was almost relaxing as background noise.

Despite that, or perhaps because of it, the footsteps nearby cut through the noise around her like a knife. She knew what was coming, even before Professor Kazurist spoke.

“Cartalis, you’re not acting much like yourself. Is everything all ri-”

“She doesn’t want to talk, Professor.”

Despite it all, Cartalis’ lips twitched. Finally - finally! - someone understood. And of course it was Arenya, her truest friend she’d found since joining Ba’al Cedric’s.

“I see,” said Kazurist. “Well, if you change your mind, know that I’m always here.”

The footsteps sounded again as Kazurist walked away, presumably to help another group of students with more traditional questions. The buzz of conversation became the only sound Cartalis could hear.

Cartalis stayed there for a few moments longer. After some moments, when her tears dried, she finally lifted her head. It felt strange, almost alien, to be seeing again at the moment. Everything looked oddly bright, almost aggressively so. Was the room always this lit? It made her wish to put her head back down, but she grit her teeth and bore it. Whether that was from desire or a stubbornness buried deep within her, she wasn’t sure.

Still, for once, she felt a palpable sense of relief when class was over.

She barely kept from sighing heavily as the hubbub of conversation erupted around her once more.

She put her things away as quickly as she dared and looked to Arenya. Arenya’s smile was obviously forced, but she put one on anyway and waved. No words. Just a slight move of her hand and that was all. Despite their differences, and despite perhaps a momentary confusion, she understood Cartalis in her moment of anger.

Cartalis was shocked to find that her smile back wasn’t forced at all. She couldn’t bring herself to speak, still, but she did mouth a thanks back.

And now, back to her dorm. Back to peace, back to a familiar place where she could be alone with her thoughts and have a bath and a meal.

The thought occurred to her that maybe she should have the meal with Arenya there. Perhaps she did need some company, even if it was just the presence of another and not a conversation…

But in the end she trudged home herself.