ㅤㅤThe warmth of the sun and its soft light pulled me from my daze, breaking through the fog clouding my thoughts. I blinked, realizing I’d been staring mindlessly at the photo frame still sitting where I’d last left it, untouched yet painfully significant. 'How long was I...' The question lingered in my mind, tangled in an inner conflict—a clash between surprise at losing track of time and the bitter familiarity of it happening yet again.
ㅤㅤ'If you ever feel like you’re lost,' Rook’s voice echoed in my mind, as I recalled the memory from just the night before. 'If you can't remember those who care—just know that I do.' At that moment, I swore I saw her vulnerable, an openness in her eyes that caught me off guard. And unlike me, she didn’t hide it—she let it show, raw and unguarded. "Even when it feels too difficult to bear, I’ll be here. You don’t have to face it alone.” Her words stayed with me, though the effort felt almost wasted, like trying to cut through the fog clouding my mind. And yet, amidst it all, I felt a flicker of hope somewhere.
ㅤㅤ'What do you think, Alex?' I asked into the silence, hoping for an answer that would never come. 'Do you think I’m too far gone?' My eyes drifted to the floor, tracing the chaos that surrounded me—the scattered bottles, the overturned furniture, the suffocating mess of it all—before falling back to the empty space in front of me.
ㅤㅤ'Did you get into a fight?!' I remembered him shouting, his voice frantic when I came back with a black-purple bruise around my eye. 'Who did it? Just give me a name and I'll-' I ruffled his hair with a smile tugging at my lips. 'I'm fine, don’t be dramatic.' But that only earned me a disapproving look, followed by his calm, firm response. 'Sometimes you go too far.' That moment, with all its chaos and care, was one I would always cherish.
ㅤㅤWith the storm in my mind finally quieting, I began to grasp a hold of myself. My hand shakily but firm reached for my phone in my pocket. In that moment, I made a decision about Alex’s funeral—how it would unfold, who would be there, and what it would represent. 'If you can't remember those who care—just know that I do.' Her voice echoed in my mind again, and I couldn’t help but feel it had shifted my decision. I had intended for it to be just me and him, but he wouldn’t want that. He wouldn’t want me to be alone. I could still hear his voice in my head, a memory of him saying it would be too sad, too lonely for me.
ㅤㅤAfter I had gathered myself—just enough to think clearly—I managed to plan and send out a few simple invitations. As I typed away at the computer, a folder caught my attention. Almost without thinking, I hovered over it and clicked. It opened to pictures from Paulie’s—a collection of moments I hadn’t seen. One photo stood out: him and a few others, smiling so brightly it almost hurt to look at. There was happiness in his eyes, so vivid it felt like a different lifetime. But my gaze drifted behind him, to the blurred image of a cargo container in the background. The logo on it. 'it looked familiar...' Too familiar.
ㅤㅤThe sound of my phone ringing pulled my attention, and I glanced at the screen to see an unknown number. Hesitating only briefly, I decided to answer. As I brought it to my ear, a familiar voice spoke on the other end. "Detective, where are you?" Lloyd asked. "I'm at home... why?" I replied, confusion creeping into my voice. It was supposed to be my day off—or at least it was before the transfer. "You weren't at the precinct, so I assumed you’d be here," he said plainly.
ㅤㅤ"Wait, here?" I repeated, confusion building as I latched onto the word. "Yeah, I'm just outside your apartment," Lloyd replied casually. "I must say, it looks decent, but-" "How do you know?" I cut him off sharply, suspicion lacing my tone. The line went quiet, as though he was carefully considering how to explain. "I took you home last night," he finally said. "You looked so out of it."
ㅤㅤ'So I didn't take the public transit?' My thoughts spiraled, scattered and uneasy. This memory glitch was becoming a problem. "And technically, you did sort of ask me to. You know, in case you-" I cut him off once again, not wanting to hear more. "It's fine," I said quickly, hoping to shut the conversation down as I think it over.
ㅤㅤ"Alright, give me some time to clean up, and I'll be right down," I said before hanging up and heading to the bathroom. The cold water from the sink jolted me awake, washing away the lingering haze of tiredness. Gray eyes met gray eyes in the mirror, and I let out a sigh. 'Yeah, Mrs. Woods and Rook weren’t lying when they said I looked like shit,' I thought, my gaze fixed on the dark, subtle yet unmistakable circles beneath my eyes.
ㅤㅤI considered taking a shower, but being already on the clock—and lacking the energy—it felt like too much effort. For now, the splash of cold water trickling down my face would have to do. The water hit my skin like tiny needles, shocking me into some semblance of alertness. I stared at my reflection in the cracked mirror, its spiderweb fractures distorting my tired features. 'When was this happen?' I wondered, before a memory that had felt lost came rushing back as I noticed an injury on my knuckles—they were new. As I looked back up, the gray circles beneath my eyes stood out against my pale complexion, a roadmap of sleepless nights and too many bad decisions.
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ㅤㅤThe clock on the wall ticked louder than it should have, each second drilling into my skull like a mocking reminder of all the things I wasn’t doing. I rubbed my temples and leaned against the sink, its rusted edges biting into my palms. I had a job to do, or so I kept telling myself. Yet, the thought of leaving this dingy apartment and facing whatever waited outside felt like trying to climb a mountain without ropes. Another day in this city, another mess to clean up that didn’t belong to me.
ㅤㅤA deep inhale. Then exhale. I closed my eyes, listening to the faint hum of traffic through the window—a chorus of engines, distant voices, and the occasional siren wailing like a ghost in the night. This was my life now. Endless noise. Endless chaos. And me, caught in the middle of it all, just trying to keep my head above water. Without Alex.
ㅤㅤI wiped my face with a threadbare towel, the fabric rough against my skin. It smelled faintly of mildew, but it was better than nothing. Grabbing my bomber jacket off the back of the chair, I shrugged it on, the weight of it familiar and grounding—the only semblance of the past that had remained consistent. 'You look great in it!' Alex's enthusiasm when he first saw me wearing it told me how proud he was. Alex's enthusiasm the first time he saw me wearing it had made it clear how proud he was. The way his eyes lit up, brighter than I'd seen in months, told me that it wasn’t just about how I looked—it was about what it meant to him.
ㅤㅤI’d laughed, brushing off his awkward sincerity. But now, as I ran my fingers over the frayed edges of the cuffs, I understood. It wasn’t about the way it fit or how it looked. It was about the way it felt—like a hug I could carry with me, even when he wasn’t there. With these memories and thoughts in mind, the heaviness that came from more than just exhaustion—the weariness etched into my very soul—seemed to lift, if only a little.
ㅤㅤThe door shut behind me with a sharp click, sealing away the warmth of the room as I stepped into the corridor. As I made my way toward the elevator, my thoughts drifted, momentarily distracted by the strange weather outside. The air carried a sharp, biting chill, and the wind clawed at the streets, relentless despite the sun’s feeble attempts to pierce the gloom. Above, the sky was anything but welcoming—a dark, oppressive haze loomed overhead, heavy and foreboding.
ㅤㅤ'Please tell me the elevator works,' I thought, the plea almost instinctive as I approached it. The faint hum and glowing button were a welcome sight—proof that, for once, it was operational. After weeks of dealing with its unpredictable circuit issues, this felt like a small miracle. I wondered how Mrs. Woods found the energy—or the luck—whenever she went out. I exhaled a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding, already dreading the idea of trudging up five flights of stairs again.
ㅤㅤThe descent was as pleasant as it could be, though I valued its efficiency and reliability more than anything, even as it shook slightly. Soon enough, it came to a stop at the ground floor. 'Hey, over here!' Lloyd's familiar voice cut through the crowd that loitered around, and, just as it had been when we arrived at the scene, he was parked partially along the side of the road.
ㅤㅤ"You look like shit," he commented, so casually. "Shut the fuck up," I replied in earnest as I got in the cruiser, before he started the engine and pulled onto the road. "So, I took the drug we found to the evidence locker. And I took a photo of it, just in case we need a reference." He briefed, his eyes on the road before shooting a glance at the rearview mirror.
ㅤㅤ"Okay, great, thanks." I said, but he made an absurd face before a smile and then a laugh escaped from his lips. "You're shit," he said. "Shut it, Sergeant," I replied, slightly embarrassed at how terrible that actually was. "You're so shit." A wide smile had taken over his lips now. His cheeks flushed red at how he found me hilarious. After a while, when he had his laugh, I asked him with a deadpan look, "You done?" Almost instantly, it seemed like it might restart, but he held it in when he saw how I wouldn't tolerate another moment of him laughing it out. "Good, because we're going to the precinct. We're going to need help finding out which sectors those drugs were being distributed from."
ㅤㅤ"Got you," he said. When the ride fell silent, I shot a few glances at him. I wondered if he would have become close with Alex, especially since they had somewhat similar personalities. That got me thinking about whether I should invite him. Then I remembered the time when he said he would have done the same, since he shared a similar experience with me.
ㅤㅤ"What do you think about coming to Alex's memorial?" I asked somberly. It seemed to take him by surprise as I gauged his reaction—wide eyes and a shocked expression—before he instantly replied without hesitation, "I'll be there, just tell me where and when."