Jake wasn’t too proud to admit it. The reason he hadn’t returned to the guild after the last time was entirely due to the fact that he almost lost his gender identity. Clara Claptrap had scared the absolute clap..

>hehe, self pun.

.. the absolute crap, out of him. The defiling of his band with that straight up DTF message almost made Jake consider replacing it, if it wasn’t for the fact that he only had 80 credits to his name. The behemoth was the last thing he needed to see in his preparation to stay outside the protection of the wall. Jake definitely didn’t want to be any more jittery than what he expected to be during his night of self discovery and roughing it. Sneaking in through the front doors and scanning the reception area of the HG as quick as super-humanly possible, Jake determined the coast was clear and the mission was a go. Almost running to Benji’s counter, Jake quickly pulled out the gifted sack, returned it to the guild representative and swiped his band on the block before running back out. Leving Benji with a sad, lonely look on his face and droopy ears. After sprinting into a nearby side street and criss-crossing his way to the large market square, Jake finally calmed down enough to feel the cold sweat permeating his body.

The market for once, was exactly what Jake expected from a fantasy world. Large pavilions in the centre surrounded by small make shift stands spreading out in an intricate spiral with lanes leading in and out of the hypnotic maze. It seemed that the closer in the stall was, the larger and more expensive its tent and thus its wares were. Stopping into a stand roughly halfway to the centre, Jake found himself in a BDSM wet dream. Ropes, leather straps, harnesses, whips, and even a gimp suit decorated its walls.

Trying to look as normal as possible, Jake made his way to the shop attendant. The man was as wide as he was tall, built of solid muscle with a sculpted close brown beard, brown eyes, a beanie and completing his look were a pair of overalls. A normal lumberjack for all intents and purposes, except the man was ‘standing’ on the counter and barely reached a metre in height.

“Name’s Bob, and this is me shop, Bobs bondage. what can I do for ya?”

> A bondage Gnome? this world is going to hell in a hens basket! And another poor naming sense, who in their right mind just calls the shop a bondage shop? It’s like ‘hey guys, welcome to the date rape bar’. I give up, I no longer care that the beauty of fantasy has forever more been tarnished.

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

“Jake, I need climbing rope.”

“Rope hey, we got some of that. 10m sound good? you want a thick, braided rope of something more thin and easy to restrict with.”

> He so totally thinks I'm into that Japanese binding crap right? Ugh, my soul feels sullied just standing here.

“The thin one, how much at 10m?”

“It’s 2.5 credits a metre so 25 credits all up”

Not wanting to spend a second longer in this environment, Jake paid the gnome and legged it out of there. Some more wandering in the spiral netted him food rations, a cheap backpack, and a cool little ward necklace that’s supposed to act as a weak monster repellant. The Woman who sold it to him looked like the old witch with the poisoned apple, but if the foot traffic was anything to go on, then she was definitely popular. Another 30 credits later and Jake was feeling broke again, dejected at how quick money was coming and going, he made his way to the gates.

The towering monstrosities of Iron and black wood were slowly closing so Jake had to run if he wanted to go camping. Passing through the closing fortification, the guards shared looks that simply said ‘One less mouth to feed’, looking on with wonder at the stupidity of a newb.

> Alright, let’s do this! If I want to explore then I need to man up and learn to live in the wild. Good thing I watched all those Bear Grylls shows, I’m totally going all survival of the fittest!

With confidence in himself at an all time high, Jake started jogging for the tree-line. Moving through the forest at night bought chills and goosebumps to his skin, but the power of the simple minded pushed Jake on.

A few bladder control issues and scares later, Jake finally came to the tree he spotted while scouting earlier that day.. He thought. It was roughly 3m in diameter and the lowest branch was 7ft from the ground. Swinging his rope up and over the branch, he tied off and pulled tight on the loop, securing it to the branch. Using the rope as a hand rail, Jake started walking up the trunk with a fair amount of difficulty. Thankful for his new increase in strength, he finally pulled himself up and collapsed like a sloth along his new bed.

> Jesus that was rough. My forearms feel like that one time where I tried to break my 24hr record.

Sitting back against the trunk, Jake pulled the rope up and looped it around his legs so he wouldn’t fall off during the night. Thinking that he was now a survival expert, Jake nibbled on a ration pack of jerky before calling it a night, hoping the reduced canopy would keep him dry if any rain fell.

> It's not like anything can get my up here anyway and the ward should keep birds and insects away.

Dumber words have never been said.