Heavy rainfall descended around me as I lay motionless in the middle of my drive. My arms and legs were sprawled out whilst I stared blankly into the night sky. My tears were disguised by the rain running down my face. The rain that was soaking my clothes, and forming rivers that cascaded down the sides of the pavements into nearby drains. In this moment, everything feels calm, like my problems don’t exist… like nothing feels real. I feel detached from my body as my mind begins to disassociate from reality. A trusty defense mechanism it uses to deal with the never ending trauma within my life. 

 I take in a large breath before slowly exhaling, feeling my body relax further into the cold, hard ground. The trees lining the drive loomed above as I shivered, my wet clothes clinging to my body like a layer of skin. The cold autumn air swept across the ground, causing leaves to dance and twirl under the warm orange glow of the streetlights. I didn’t feel like moving. I didn’t feel like leaving this peace to face the unbearable wrath of him. Instead, I closed my eyes and pictured a happy place. 

***

 A warm, secluded beach surrounded by towering evergreens and lush, dense forest. The sand is soft and ivory-white, and the ocean’s clear blue waters glisten in the sun.  I imagined feeling the warmth radiating from a horses back as I canter bareback along the shore feeling the wind rushing though my hair, filling me with a sense of exhilaration and freedom. I can feel a broad smile spreading across my face and a glisten in my eye. It’s as if I’ve been transported to paradise.

***

 The sudden slam of a door and distant screams snaps me back into reality and my eyes fly open. The disassociation quickly fades allowing my bottled emotions to flood back all at once like a tsunami of fear and pain. My heart begins to beat faster and panic sets in. Oh god, I just want to run. Run far away. I stumble to my feet and reluctantly make way for the front door of my house. The closer I get the more daunting the door seems… as it feels like it’s growing larger and larger, towering over me intimidatingly like some kind of monster house. Shaking, I lift my hand to turn the knob, not knowing exactly what I’ll be greeted with on the other side. But before I reached it, the door flung open startling me. I took a step back in shock, eyes wide and my mouth agape. To my dismay, there in the doorway… nose flared, face reddened and eyes bulging from anger… was him. 

 “Where the fuck have you been?,” He spat through gritted teeth. I scrambled past him into the hallway. 

 “I just got back from work. Why, is there something wrong?” I tried to keep my voice calm and collected as not to provoke the inevitable argument further.

 He glared at me as his eyes glued to my face trying to search for any sign of deception. “You were supposed to be back an hour ago, that’s what’s wrong,” he snapped. “I’ve been sat waiting, wondering where you were. Do you not think it would have been wise to let me know?” I guess that’s code for ‘I’m the boss and I need to know where you are and who you’re with at all times.’

 Although I wanted to scream and shout or walk away from this unnecessary argument, I held back and responded as calmly as I could “I’m so sorry. Si made us all stay behind to clean up after a bar fight. You know how it gets on a Friday night.” I kept my eyes pointed at the ground trying my best to avoid eye contact. It’s so much easier to maintain composure when you don’t have the added stress of their intense, angry glare staring into your soul. 

 “Pfft. I’m sure. How do I know you were not seeing someone after work instead?” Oh, here we go again with the accusations based on nothing. Insecurity really doesn’t look good on anyone. Although still frightened and nervous of potentially escalating the situation and creating further conflict, I couldn’t hold back as adrenaline shot through me. Why do I put up with this shit? Why don’t I just leave? 

“Jaques, you really need to stop accusing me of things based on nothing. I love you, and I’m not seeing anyone behind your back. I already have enough stresses at work and with my family that I don’t need you constantly attacking me day in day out, without fail. Especially with endless accusations.” I shot him a look of concern, trying hard not to come across too aggressive. 

“You? You have enough stresses? Try walking in my shoes for a day having to put up with you!” 

 I saw red and I couldn’t hold back. “Put up with me? What does that even mean. I don’t go out of my way to make your life hell, unlike you!” this seemed to hit a nerve as his face turned even more red and his brow set low on his face. 

“I do not make your life hell! You do that to yourself. I provide for you, I do more around this house than you, I support you and care for you.” Lies, lies, so many lies. “What do you do other than mope around all day complaining about how hard your life is?” Provide for me? Support me? How much more deluded can one get? I can feel my heart racing, both from fear and anger. How could he say he loves me? 

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

“You’re deluded, Jaques. You think your gods fucking gift. Well guess what, you’re not!” did I really just say that? 

This seemed to really piss him off as he closed the gap between us, towering over me. Pointing his finger, hard into my chest. His dark eyes glared into mine and for a moment I felt like he was going to hurt me. But he kept his voice cool and fierce. 

“Get out of my face.” 

 I felt small and timid but I hate letting him walk all over me. “Gladly” I spat, trying hard not to back down no matter how scared I felt. 

“Now!” he screamed at the top of his lungs. I felt like I could faint. Without a second thought, I ran straight up the stairs and into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me, making sure to lock it. 

As soon as the lock clicked into place, all adrenaline was lost and a lump began to form in my throat before my eyes started to swell up. I tried so hard to hold it back but it just made things worse…tears began uncontrollably streaming down my face. With my back against the wall, I slid down to the floor feeling the weight of the world pulling me down both physically and mentally. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I feel so lost, so broken. I’ve wanted to leave for months but I just can’t seem to get away. I have nowhere to go, I have no money since my boss never pays me, I feel trapped in this prison of abuse. 

 After a moment, I slowly peel myself off the bathroom floor and strip off my damp clothes. Seeing myself in the mirror, I realize I look just as bad as I feel. My long brunette hair is soaked and clinging to my face, although the bits that have started to dry are frizzy and sticking out in all directions. My usually bright emerald green eyes look dull, sunken and tired, not to mention red and blotchy from all of the crying. My makeup was streaming down my face… my skinny, jaunt face. I looked a complete mess to say the least. 

 I turned the taps of the bath, hoping a long soak would help me relax. Rather than waiting for it to fill, I carefully climbed in, drawing my knees to my chest and hugging them close. Peace, again. I love to be alone as it seems to be the only time I can think clearly.  I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the running water, shutting out the world around me. Taking in slow, easy breaths I calmed myself, taking me back to my happy place.

***

 Alone with the tranquil blue sea and the magnificent Andalusian horses running free. It’s as though I could feel the warm sun on my face and the sand between my toes. Costal birds squabbled and squawked, flying over head. Oh how I wished I could have wings and fly. I stood up and slowly walked down to the water, gazing over the horizon. The sea went on for miles and miles, not a ship or island in sight. Gentle waves lapped against rocks and rolled onto the beach, music to my ears. 

 However, even in this dream world I can’t help but wonder how this is all going to end if I listen to the amount of pain inside me that is demanding to be deeply felt. Maybe by ending it I can live in this heaven forever. Maybe I’ll be happier and finally at peace. Maybe I’ll be able to see my dad again…

 Everybody says life goes on but nobody talks about how it does. Nobody mentions the numbness when you no longer feel sad but you no longer feel happy either. When you no longer feel at all. Nobody talks about the frustration you feel when you pour everything you have into trying to fill that empty hole inside of your heart. Nobody talks about how  badly we can fall out of love with our lives and every aspect within it. Nothing is more depressing than the lonely road we’re all doomed to tread. 

***

 All of a sudden my sadness seems to shock me back into reality. As I woke up I shot up out of the water as the bath had now filled to the brim and was on the verge of flooding over the sides. I gasp for air and fling myself forward to turn off the taps. I must have passed out. Shocked by the whole ordeal, I quickly wash my hair and scrub my body from head to toe before jumping out and reaching for a towel. A quick glance in the mirror and I look at least a little bit better than I feel. 

 After drying off and slipping on some warm pajamas, I climb into bed. I can mildly hear Jaques arguing loudly with the TV downstairs and conversing on his gaming headset. I wrap the cold sheets around me and nestle into the pillow. Being in bed, alone, is up there as one of my favourite times of day. Although, this time of night is often burdened with intrusive thoughts and too much time to reflect. It’s always late at night when all of the stupid, embarrassing things I’ve done come back to haunt me. Whether it be one week ago, one month ago or even ten years ago.