I was born with a type of darkness in me. When I was just a toddler, a random elderly woman on the streets saw me and told my mother - “Be careful with that one, without the right love she can be dangerous.” In college for fun, my sorority sisters took me to see a psychic. Anything spiritual, I take with respect that there are things I as a human will never know the truth to. Thus, I do not discount there are individuals who see the intangible I am unable to. Madam ____ said that I was born from a figure of pure light - my mother. That I inherited a rage from my father. She noted the darkness in me is small but it’s there.

People have said I have a fiery personality and bring energy into a room. I identify more with ice though. Warm me up enough and I’ll be more fluid but also firm enough to support those around me. Enrage me enough and I'll freeze to the point of burning someone at the touch. I’ve worked hard to rein in my inherent misanthropic disdain towards certain types of people. 

One thing my mother taught me was sincerity. While I can be devilish, I do not lie about my affections or distaste towards others. I will not trick nor use those who are genuine to me. Maybe I am more animal than human. The laws of the jungle make more sense to me. Hunt for pure survival without wasting material goods where life and death is nothing personal. Killing another of the same species is usually due to resource battles while killing a species weaker is to feed. Animals do not kill for fun or pure greed. Humans do. Wanting more than was needed seems inherent in humans. 

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

I have learned to mask the distaste into inoffensive language that would garner more respect for my generosity than paint me into a pitiful victim. I maintain a pride that I refuse to be broken. Sometimes, I do wonder if my smiles are laughter are nothing but an imitation of my mothers’ as I could analyze the benefits in behaving in such a way. Perhaps deep down, I’ve always known the destruction I am capable of. My mother is the rein that has held me back. I promised I would be kind, forgiving and empathize with those that come to harm me. From a psychological stand point, I agree she’s right. There’s rarely a case of a true villain, true victim or true hero. Such limitations can only be achieved in a 2D world where human complexity is removed. While I recognize my propensity for chaos, I have never acted on it as Ma has treated me with nothing but love and care. 

Everyone is born with a temperament that is unique to them. How we respond to things that occur depend on such. Had I only experienced negative traumas or unhinged expectations in my developmental years, I very much would’ve become a villain in many people’s stories. I’ll abide by Ma's teachings. But Ma, to what point is benevolence a fault? You taught me to empathize and find the root of their actions before divulging into my anger. Everyone has a story though. Am I supposed to always let them go? Always return pain with a hug? Why should I allow scars on me and not leave any on them? Ma, you may be a saint. I am no Jesus. Benevolence is tiring. What I want. Is justice.