I was sitting on my favorite perch, the one I’d spent countless decades on.

Elaine’s shoulder.

Even better! We were on my best friend, Fenrir!

I wanted to enjoy the ashes falling from the sky, the sign that great fires were raging over the horizon, but no. I knew too much. Each ashen flake was a home, a bed, a life. Hopefully they had escaped the fiery holocaust that consumed their livelihood, but I knew too much. I had burned tens of thousands of pounds of material over my long life, and I knew the difference between wooden ashes and charred flesh. I could see when it was the burnt remains of a life dancing before my eyes, and when it was ‘only’ a tree branch.

A tree branch that was home to a squirrel or owl, where a microraptor hung from or sabertooth tigers prowled.

No, there was no enjoying these ashes.

Elaine was worried, staring at a far off mountain. I couldn’t see what she saw - water take these tiny eyes of mine! - but she was happily sharing.

“What’s Valytheria?” I asked the question for Fenrir, knowing he was curious as well.

“As [Loremasters] would put it, it’s an orange, maybe yellow-tier threat. It’s a sword, but more than that, it’s the sword. Powerful Classer transformed herself into a blade, then received a divine blessing on top of it. Calling it a weapon feels like it’s understating things. The sword itself is as amazing as can be, as any transformed piece of equipment is, but it’s the rest of it that… I’m not explaining this well.” Elaine took a deep breath in and slapped her cheeks.

“Okay! Trying this again! There’s an approximately twenty mile ‘extension’ of the blade that’ll cut through anything and everything. Including the ground. Twirl it in your hand, and you’ll make a twenty mile deep, forty mile wide gouge in the land. It’s how it got the title ‘World Sunderer’. Simply walking around with it cracks the planet open. The skills and abilities are forever on, and no sheath can hold it.” She said.

Iona whistled.

“I imagine since it’s a divinely blessed person, nobody wants to break the blade or kill them.” The Valkyrie said. “Plus, the tool’s too useful to be disposed of, simply secured.”

“Exactly!” Elaine said. “More of the second than the first. We’re pretty sure it was a weapon’s vault originally, and the original owner died. It’s not the ‘whoops we made a couple new valleys’ that’s the issue so much as ‘we flicked our wrist and sliced through an entire city and all the people inside’ that makes it so threatening.”

“Vitality defense?” I asked. Life was a little unfair - I basically never got to experience the joys of the vitality defense, damn being tiny and having virtually no mass - but it was a real question.

“The divine blessing’s probably half the reason it doesn’t work, yeah?” Iona guessed.

“Yup.”

The Valkyrie whistled, then her eyes unfocused.

“Hi Selene! Hi Lunaris!” I cheerfully called out. Hey, maybe they’d take a liking to me and shower me with neat blessings as well. I loved Elaine, and if she asked Ciriel to bless me I had no doubt the only goddess with eyes to realize Elaine was THE BEST would send one my way… but they wouldn’t think of it without me asking, and I couldn’t ask Elaine to make that request of her friend. That wouldn’t be right.

Selene and Lunaris, on the other hand… I was going to butter them up until they slipped and bumped out a blessing for me. The plan was foolproof! Might take a few centuries of me wearing them down, but blessings were all upside. As far as I could see.

“Interesting. The goddesses have offered to have a talk with the bound person if we get our hands on Valytheria.” Iona said.

Oh! Oh! I knew this! People who’d turned into objects sometimes couldn’t think anymore, so they couldn’t undo the transformation. It took extreme skills or circumstances to change it, but gods could do it!

Elaine squinted and looked at the mountains again.

“I don’t like our chances if the elves get their hands on Valytheria, and I don’t think we can all fight them. There’s just too many elves there. Any ideas?”

We plotted! We planned! We even did a little scheming. And in the end, we had a plan! A glorious, wonderful plan.

It didn’t have enough fire in it though.

The four of us flew over the mining operation, where Fenrir opened his maw and roared out a bellowing challenge. Snow started to swirl around him, a grand snowstorm being whipped up.

“Good luck Auri!” Elaine patted me. Iona grinned and shot me a thumb’s up.

“Go get ‘em!” She said.

Okay! It was my turn to shine!

But first, I needed to change my mindset a bit. Change how I thought. I liked the way I was, but for this mission, this operation, I needed to go back to when I was a little younger, a little less mature, and a whole lot more lethal.

Alright, alright. I could do this.

I am an unrepentant pyromaniac with no ethics and the entire world is kindling. Juice is good, songbirds are bad, and I had an Important Mission.

Young Auri Mindset - GO!

----------------------------------------

Oh my flames, what were these lame notifications!? No! NO! Fix them all! There we go!

It was time for the SUPER SECRET PHOENIX TECHNIQUE! Clear flames! Invisible! Nobody could see me! Ahahahahahaha!

… all this dang snow-water was annoying though, and I was making a trail of steam! Argh! No! Stupid! Bad! That wasn’t sneaky-stealthy AT ALL! That was like burning a huge pile of logs on top of a mountain! As subtle as a wildfire ripping through a forest!

No! Bad heat! Chill, cool clear flames! Ughhhh, as much as it disgusted me to burn cold, as opposed to the hottest I could manage, it was needed for OPERATION: SNEAKY BIRD.

Wait! My ring! My beautiful, brrretty ring of rocks I kept around me! My imitation of the planets! Noooo, I had to turn it off, it wasn’t SNEAKY BIRD enough! Booo!

I was flying towards the ground, letting gravity guide me down.

Flying.

Not falling. Nope. I wasn’t falling at all. Didn’t matter that my wings weren’t flapping. Didn’t matter that I was going in lockstep with gravity. This was flying, not falling, and any moment [Fancy Flying] would level up and the System would prove that I was right.

Annnnnnnny minute now.

[*ding!* Oh Great and Magnificent Auri, Empress of Flame, Burner of All Ye Behold, the most beautiful creature in creation, Bird Without Peer and Sovereign of the Red Skies, the humble System, granter of all your wishes, would like to bestow upon you the grand skill [Flies Like A Rock]. Would you like to replace one of your many well-trained abilities with this beautiful new skill?]

Oi! System! NO! Why would you betray me like this!?

BURN!

…

How DID I burn the System anyway? I had [Everything Burns], the System was a thing, just needed to figure out how to apply one to the other…

Fireball! Fireball! WAIT!

WATER!

THIS WASN’T STEALTHY!

I was on a MISSION! A Very Important Mission! This was about being Sneaky! Stealthy! Stealing a sword! This was a Whisper Assault: Tactical Entry and Retrieval.

WATER for sho- OH SNOWFLAKES!

Oh rocks. That was a lot of rocks coming right for me.

The earth couldn’t wait to embrace magnificent me, trying to hit me at top speed.

Nope! Not today!

I flipped out a wing, catching the current as I whizzed behind an elf’s head, a boiling mass of the stinky horned two-legs erupting out of the tunnels, pointing up at Elaine and Fenrir.

Ha! Suckers! Too much water in your eyes, you can’t see what’s right here!

I zipped! I zooped! I fluttered right behind a mine cart’s wheel! Ahha! They’d NEVER spot me here! My plan was brilliant! Foolproof! All I had to do was wait until someone started pushing, and they’d carry me right into the depths! Where I would then, in a single second of [Phoenix’s Perfection], figure out the next step of my plan!

Any second now, they’d start pushing.

Annnnnyyyy second now… see, they’re pushing! No wait, that was someone bumping the cart.

… oh wait. Yeah. If everyone else was making a distraction, then there was nobody pushing the cart. Hmm.

HMMM.

This required some ADDITIONAL THINKING. I needed my Thinking Cap.

I made one out of clear and perfectly burning flames - no sense in having smoke give me away - and put it on, modeled after Fenrir’s hat when he was On A Case.

Hmmmmm.

HMMMMMM.

If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

How did I get out of this… AHHA!

It was easy! Obvious! My brilliance put even the element to shame!

I conjured [Auri’s Many Helpers], a pair of hands made out of clear flames, and grabbed the bottom of the cart. It was full and so, so heavy, but the path was completely smooth and slightly sloped. Another pair of hands removed the blockers keeping the cart stationary - there was NO WAY that ANYBODY would notice in all the chaos going on, thank you Eventide Eclipse - and OFF WE WENT! Faster and faster and faster, down into the depths we go!

The walls were SO unfair. The moment my glorious and noble ride got some real speed going, it crashed into a cruel and vicious wall! Off I went, my smoldering legs left behind!

AHHA! What do we say to walls? Not today! I flared my wings, stopping a feather’s breath away from the unforgiving hard-to-burn granite, and fluttered to the floor.

Ninja - thank you Nina, for teaching me all about them - Auri time! I changed my invisible outfit, wrapping myself in bands of flames, letting only my beady eyes peer out.

HIYA! Sneaky, sneaky time! Okay, what was next?

Hmmm.

HMMMM.

It was time to use my BURNING EYES and their magical power of OBSERVATION!

We’d crashed - I mean, gracefully landed - in a large open area. Bunch of elves were running around. A few were heading my way, complaining about the cart rolling back down.

So long, old ride!

Hmmmm.

HMMMM.

Okay, okay, so… there were a lot of elves running to the surface… and a lot more running down… AHHA!

That one!

He was wearing a fancy, pretty hat! It would burn GREAT! Other people were looking at him! Okay, okay, time to be sneaky and follow him. OF COURSE he was going to the most important part! He had the big hat.

Yes, yes, perfect logic.

A little boring part of me whispered that maybe, just maybe, I should use some next-century level thinking.

No! That sort of idea was a complete wet blanket!

In my pure genius, I knew my beating wings made quite the noise, so I started to simply walk across the busy floor. It was ignoble. A bird of my magnificent pedigree! My beautiful wings! My dazzling flights! Reduced to walking.

Alas, the things we did for THE MISSION. Secret Operative Ninja Auri would Get The Job Done.

Steel boot! Dodge! Hiya!

Another boot! Dive! Over my head!

Spin! Pirouette! DODGE!

Brilliant! Genius! Like whoever made the first spark! As smart as whoever fanned the first flames!

… my genius was going too slowly, ugh, everyone else was outside. I couldn’t keep them waiting forever, and at this pace I’d find the sword sometime next century.

Fine! A little bit of flying! A feather of not-sneaky!

By the time they looked where they heard me, I’d be gone, only a rippling mirage left in my wake.

With a quick dart and flutter and a ZIP and a ZOOP I went onto the fancy hat elf.

Ahha! Onwards, my noble steed! Take me to where I need to go!

Wasn’t nearly as comfortable as Elaine’s shoulder though. Naturally.

Another successful operation! One more medal for General Auri! I flared all my bright colors in a display of dominance, showing off how brrrpty I was to-

“Oh, hello there. How did you get out of your cage?” The fancy-hat elf asked, grabbing me in a smooth motion.

BURN!

Wait, NO!

No burn!

Let’s be sly, let’s be sneaky!

“Brrrrpt?” I innocently asked, fluttering my eyelashes. If this wingless idiot didn’t let my wings go in the next three seconds, I was going to start throwing fireballs around. I hadn’t properly scouted all of the ventilation, so I wasn’t quite sure if I could simply burn an invisible fire at the entrance to the mine and choke everyone out, or burn a noxious flame and gas everyone out.

That was before the option of burning down a few select support pillars and letting the entire thing cave in on the whole operation.

Then again, [Miners] were some of the only well-respected Miasma Classers, able to detect bad gas buildup and handle it. These were all elves, there was no way they didn’t have some smarty pants running around with it.

“Are we sure that’s one of our canaries?” A poorly dressed elf with a shovel slung over one shoulder asked.

“Yes! That’s me! Totally! A canary! Bring me to the secret mines.” I insisted.

The well-dressed hat elf looked at me.

“Certainly sings like one.” He flicked his hand, and a beautiful golden cage appeared. I narrowed my eyes and pointed my beak at it, studying it intently.

[All The World’s Magic Is Revealed To Me In A Teardrop] suggested it was entirely mundane, and I could [Burn Everything]. The cage was nothing, a prop, a way to infiltrate deeper.

And singing! Yes! I was the BEST singer ever!

“HaPPy bIrThDAy TUUUU you!” I screeched - sang out with dulcet tones. “HAAAAAAAAAppy BiRTHDAy TOOOOO yoU!” My warbling was magnificent. People were covering their ears, unable to fully grasp the breadth of my majestic song without risking insanity.

“At this rate, I think I want a gas leak.” One of the [Miners] remarked.

“With those flames, the bird will be the first to go.” A second one added.

“An explosion’s a much better warning than going quietly.”

[*ding!* Oh Great and Magnificent Auri, Empress of Flame, Burner of All Ye Behold, the most beautiful creature in creation, Bird Without Peer and Sovereign of the Red Skies, the humble System, granter of all your wishes, would like to bestow upon you the grand skill [Screeching Songbird]. Would you like to replace one of your many well-trained abilities with this beautiful new skill?]

Humph! Everyone was a critic!

I continued to sing my beautiful songs, grabbing the attention of everyone we passed. High note~ Low note~

[*ding!* Oh Great and Magnificent Auri, Empress of Flame, Burner of All Ye Behold, the most beautiful creature in creation, Bird Without Peer and Sovereign of the Red Skies, the humble System, granter of all your wishes, would like to bestow upon you the grand skill [Canary in a Coalmine]. Would you like to replace one of your many well-trained abilities with this beautiful new skill?]

AHHA! Excellent! Even the System acknowledged my disguise was PERFECT! They’d never suspect a thing!

“Isn’t it a bad idea to have flames in an enclosed area? And what’s with that status identification!?” An elf asked. Three faces peered at me.

I sang louder, plotting their murder.

It’d be easy. Conjure Lava in their mouths so they couldn’t scream, fill the corridor with flames burning hot and fast, fire spikes of hard Lava through their heads. Collapse the mine, gas them out, my options were frankly endless.

Then dispose of the bodies, and continue on. Easier than drinking juice!

“Fake [Identification] tag?” One of them suggested. “Would help explain the rest of it.”

“Or a really, really lucky canary. Survive a gas leak or two by burning it off, level up.”

… wow, okay, it was a reversal of the usual. They were too stupid to die.

“If it is that level, let’s not piss it off, yeah?” Another miner suggested.

There was a brief round of stunned looks between the elves.

“Yup.”

“Yes.”

“Agreed.”

AHHA! Everything was coming up AURI.

Escorted by some of the - I couldn’t in good conscience call them ‘the miner’s best’, no matter how good a hat the one dude had - recognized members of the group had me bypass most obstacles.

Down and down we went, the tunnels twisting and turning. Elves passed us in a parade, pushing carts of rocks up and out. Elves going down, pushing empty carts, including the three I was with. All the loose rocks were nice. With just a little bit of heat, they’d melt and become prime fuel for [Lava Manipulation]. Good, good. Much better to melt them with Inferno then use them.

The tiny little voice inside me that was THE WETTEST BLANKET tried to scream something about conjuration being more mana efficient.

Silence! I’ll peck you out! Don’t think I won’t do it! I could [Burn Everything], that included tiny little annoying inside voices!

“This canary’s extra useful, comes with his own light!” One of the elves joked.

I continued to scree- sing - keeping a wary eye out, trying to make a map in my head.

Too many twists. Too many turns.

I was so lost.

Well, end of the day, I just needed to fly up. How hard could it be?

Hang on! Super-observant-special-fire-agent-Auri has noticed something! There were no more canaries! No more singing birds! They weren’t dead in their cage or anything, there just… were none.

Huh.

Mysterious.

I’d need my thinking cap to solve this one, except I COULDN’T put it on, I was still being ‘innocent songbird Auri’, and ‘innocent songbird Auri’ didn’t HAVE a thinking hat!

Frustration! Rainclouds!

“Here we are.” Hat-elf hung me up on the ceiling, and the three of them got to work.

My beak dropped open.

In like, six swings they’d expanded the tunnel and filled their carts with rocks. With a quick stretch, they started pushing it back up the tunnel, replaced by a new trio of elves a moment later.

Wow.

Wow.

These guys dug fast. No wonder Elaine was worried!

Hmmm.

It had been a while, and the Eventide Eclipse were still trying to distract the elves. I should get a move on before they got hurt. That would be Bad.

I closed my eyes and listened, annoyed at the echoes of all the bad singing going around. Honestly. It was like the other birds forgot to take [Beautiful Singing] or something.

A commotion!

I slipped through the bars of my cage - didn’t need to melt them or anything, honestly, it was like they weren’t even trying - and flew over. A number of elves were crowding around an entrance, and thick barriers of purple energy protected a hovering, point-down sword. A tiny hole was in the arcanite under the sword. Sooo much arcanite - I couldn’t tell how thick it was, but I could make at least three hundred nests out of the amount there.

I was going to be a rich bird! A bird of means! Except for the whole ‘money becoming worthless’ thing.

Bah! Who needed money when infinite reflections of ME were to be had? What else could I spend it on? Elaine had the infinite juice cheat of growing her own mangos, so it wasn’t like I needed more.

Everyone was distracted! Quick! Disguise time!

Using [Lava Conjuration], I summoned almost-firm Lava in the shape of a cage near the ceiling, around my body, and held it in place until it hardened.

Genius! Ninja Auri hiding in plain sight! They’d see me, but they wouldn’t think of me, ahhahahahaha! I started to study the sword, trying to figure out if I could just… walk in there and grab it.

“Move aside, cowards.” One of the elves puffed himself up and shoved several other elves out of the way. “The sword’s going to be mine.”

PUNS. The WORST.

The elf swaggered in, not even hesitating at the glowing purple shields. He touched them and disintegrated.

A few gasps were had, mostly laughs.

I was on team laughs. That was hilarious. His best phoenix impression. I’m fire! POOF!

Also a stupid amount of power.

A bunch of commotion later, and eight mage-types strutted down the halls. Hard to tell though, I didn’t have [Identify]. Elaine or Iona was always around to do that. Their level didn’t matter, I was the best. Easy enough to handle them if I had to.

“We need peace and quiet to concentrate!” One of the mages bellowed out. “We’re under attack. The sooner we can retrieve the sword, the sooner we can deal with the pests. Everyone’s going to be paid a bonus. Now clear out!”

With a mix of grumbling and cheers, the miners left. The eight mages arrayed themselves in front of the ward, starting to chant and cast spells.

Ha! The fools! I had at least two different ways of just walking in!

Right. I didn’t want them to get their hands on the sword, and the setup was perfect. Slowly, quietly, I filled the hallway with my invisible flames, feeding them as hard as I could. Near the door, around the frame, I laid down some deep blue ‘cold’ flames, an attempt to control the temperature at the cost of some faint glowing.

There were enough glowing colors going around that they might not be noticed.

Plus, if they were a quarter as competent as Elaine was, they’d be utterly engrossed in their spellcasting.

I prepared a few superheated Lava shots. Tungsten was a good one. Melted at a very high point. Made a dozen fire-clones with [I am the Brrettiest], then made two dozen more.

Outnumbered? No, no, they were outnumbered.

Then… I waited. The mage’s robes whipped around them as the air was sucked out of the chamber, and when the first one collapsed, I struck.

OVERWHELMING FIREPOWER!

I’d already choked one out. Two more fell screaming as molten tungsten enveloped their heads. Three went down flailing and screaming as I wrapped them in flames, and the last two were left standing, automated defenses springing up around them. A clear film of Arcanite energy bubbled around one, and the other was gushing Water while Wind whipped around them.

I used [Burn Everything] to get through the Arcanite shield, then whipped around a large mass of liquid tungsten before nailing the last elf in the jewels.

They weren’t very shiny, and what idiot god had decided to put them on the outside, as opposed to the inside, like was sensible? Honestly. Things like that were why I wasn’t religious. Except when it came to asking for a blessing. Then I was very religious.

He groaned, folded up, and collapsed, one foot touching the purple barrier. He sizzled out, and I proudly put my beak in the air.

Auri Firestorm! The greatest [Mage] alive! Eight versus one, the VICTOR!

[*ding!* Oh Peerless Beauty! Oh magnificent wielder of fire and flames! The System and gods smile upon you once again, as victory rests her laurels at your feet! In a breathtaking display of skill, finesse, and stunning good looks, you have slain a Hey System! Put the notification here! Or don’t, I don’t really need to see it, just the rest.]

I narrowed my eyes at the eight identical notifications, wondering if I was being sassed, or if past-me of sixteen minutes ago was an idiot who couldn’t configure the System properly.

Oh well! I could just burn away the mistakes!

The walls were sagging from the heat, a layer of rock starting to melt. I eyed the ceiling with a surge of genuine fear and concern.

If the entire thing came down on my head, that could kill me, and keep me killed.

I fluttered over to the shield, debating if I wanted to use [Burn Everything] or [Phoenix’s Rebirth] to get through it. Hmmm… I’d just said hi to White Dove, so nah, let’s skip that. I’m sure she was super busy with all the murdering going on.

I burnt a me-shaped hole in the wards and slipped through. [Auri’s Many Helpers] grabbed the hilt of the blade, and swung it up and through in a great arc.

… whoops. That had sliced… quite a bit more than I was expecting.

Maybe if I wiggled it just a bit… ahha! There we go! A clear path to the sky! Probably unstable as a river, but no time to think about it! Let’s go!

[*ding!* Oh Peerless Beauty! Oh magnificent wielder of fire and flames! The System and gods smile upon you once again, as victory rests her laurels at your feet! In a breathtaking display of skill, finesse, and stunning good looks, you have slain a Hey System! Put the notification here! Or don’t, I don’t really need to see it, just the rest.]

Uhhh… I was going to ignore that one. Except where it was saying nice things about me.

I flew up into the air, dragging the sword behind me, racing out of the mines before gravity remembered that all those rocks existed and started to pull them down. Already everything was collapsing, and I swerved to dodge falling rocks, the sword swinging wildly in my grip.

[*ding!* Oh Peerless Beauty! Oh magnificent wielder of fire and flames! The System and gods smile upon you once again, as victory rests her laurels at your feet! In a breathtaking display of skill, finesse, and stunning good looks, you have slain a Hey System! Put the notification here! Or don’t, I don’t really need to see it, just the rest.]

System, shhh, I was trying to fly here.

I rejoined Elaine, Fenrir, and Iona, and we flew off, carving a new valley behind us and getting utterly spammed with notifications.