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Chapter 0
PROLOGUE
They were like snowflakes. Not just tiny dots infinitely far away, but their own unique shapes, their light bending and spiralling into the abyss around them. Or maybe Zil had lost too much blood. Is this still life? He wondered. Or am I just hallucinating? For a time he felt hopeless as the cold hands of space wandered through the opening in his protective suit and traced their icy fingers across his skin. Then the pain bit him.
Where a massive gash was torn into his side it stung with a cold so bitter Zil couldn't help but moan in pain. He grit his teeth and stifled another scream. So, I'm still alive. At least the beauty he could see was real. Little good that did him, though, as it was the very thing killing him. Such a cruel mistress. To be so pleasant to look upon, yet so fatal to touch. A thorny winter rose, eternally beyond my grasp. Or maybe not? He wondered for a moment what lay beyond death. Beyond the great end. Was it an afterlife, as some claimed, filled with the devoted living forever and the condemned burning? Or was there nothing, not even another side to cross to, no barrier at all? Maybe it wouldn't feel cold any more, maybe his soul would leave his body and give him freedom beyond his wildest dreams. To fly through space, to watch life unfold without mortal barriers, to pluck that cruel rose and teach her to love.
What was it that Orella called it? An end... An end... He pondered his crewmate's words as vague visions of her face floated around his eyes. Memories half forgotten, events hard to remember. Was that death? The end of memory? Did to die truly mean to forget it all? Your friends, your loved ones, your happiest moments, your worst lows, your mistresses both kind and cruel? It seemed almost funny. Like the morbid punchline to a joke set up for so long that even the one who was telling it forgot what it originally was. Oh, no. I'm holding a speech. Just like the endless lectures of Captain Joyous that he'd rolled his eyes at and fallen asleep to, Zil was now going on too long to mark time. When did I start? When did it bite me for the first time? How long has it been? How long do I have left? I don't want to waste it. I don't want my last precious moments of consciousness to be spent monologuing like some up-his-ass douchebag. Now he was scared again. His body gave him no timer, no instinctual warning when his time would be up. It terrified him. Suddenly he wasn't so relieved, the dour thoughts evaporated within his mind and were replaced by sheer, unfettered dread. He struggled to breathe, to move his muscles, to make for any direction and get picked up by someone. But his body wouldn't move. Zil's throat grew tight, his heart was in his throat, and his mind was racing to find any kind of comfort. Anything... Something...
'An end to all suffering inherent to corporeal life.' That's what she'd called it. 'The final oasis.' Now it was clear as a painting. No blurred faces, no floating apparitions. Orella, mighty, fearless Orella, as great as the first time he'd seen her. A head taller than him and a lion's heart braver, she gave her own meaning to death instead of endlessly pondering about it when it was too late. 'A perfect oasis, where life could take any form it wished, and change it any time too. A beach where all your loved ones will show themselves to you if they wish, and you to them. A place where friend and foe may meet again, to reminisce about their mortal foolishness.' The memory was even clearer now. Orella was sitting by the cafeteria window, looking out into empty space, as if she was seeing the place she was describing. As if she was drawn to it. She took life by the horns and beat it down when it tried to throw her. I should have done that. I should...
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The remorse hurt more than any of his wounds. The fact that he had a possibility to live life like Orella and always put it off, only to find that now it was far too late to do anything destroyed the last bit of self control Zil had. He began to cry. He roared and screamed and opened his visor to shout his desperation to the void. Gone was any notion of smugness, and in its place swooped in sorrow and sadness, the twin falcons of regret.
He shouted and shouted, until his voice was completely gone, but no one heard. No one would hear. Finally, the insides of his stomach spilled forth and shut him up. So Zil floated there, meekly groping at his vomit and his blood, rising up in clumps alongside his tears. God, I'm so pathetic. If Orella'd see me, she'd... she'd... But she couldn't see him. Not now or ever again. Even in that perfect oasis, he wouldn't be able to bring himself to see her. He was far too embarrassed, and Orella would be far too disappointed. Probably wouldn't even show herself to me. Damn it...
Zil could cry again. Zil would cry again, if his tears hadn't dried up. If his eyes hadn't stopped moving. If he could still feel his body at all. This is it, isn't it? No feeling, no seeing, I'm about to die. I'm about to leave forever. I'm about enter eternal nothing as a coward. Great job I did spending those last precious moments. It all echoed now, as if his thoughts were being thrown into space, for everyone to hear. Let them hear. Let Orella hear. Let her hear how pathetic I was in death. She'd probably curse me. She'd probably...
She'd tell me to man the fuck up. She'd tell me to stop being such a moody brat, grow a pair, and get some adrenaline pumping through my body. She'd lift me from my cowardice, no, evaporate it entirely, and give me bravery and pride. I love you. I loved you. Guess it's too late to say that now. Fuck it. Not like I have anything better to think about. I'm a moron and a craven, self-absorbed brat. I'm at a distance with reality. I live in my own world, not too stubborn, but too afraid to venture outside. I have a hyena's heart and the pride of a worm. I don't deserve to see her again.
But damn it, I want to! I don't care how inadequate I am, or how pathetic my death is, I want to see her again! I want her to lift me up again and pull my head out of the ground and grab my hand and drag me into the real world with her! I WILL SEE HER AGAIN! So... dammit... whoever you are... whatever authority wisps me away to that oasis... please...
Please...
Bring me to her again.