I would dream a little dream often. I had toy trains modeled like those heavy

locomotives that would carry cars and cars of shipping containers. I would take

the train and watch it move from A to B and from B to C and from C to D. Then I

would add another train and watch it move from D to C to B to A. And another

that would go from B to C to D to A. And another. And another another another.

From A to B to C to D to B to C to A to D to B to D To E To Z To G TO H TO I TO

O TO M TO N TO Q TO J TO K TO WHEREVER AND NOWHERE.

My vision would fill up with trains as my body burned aflame and I would be

helpless in watching the trains The trains burning exploding colliding in

sparks of metal and oil and coal and flames. And then I would see that there

were people, tiny faces, peering out of the car windows in horror as they

witness their world of trains burst in spectacular fashion and I could only

tremble as this world I dreamed died like an ugly moth driven to a flame.

I will die like this. I was sure of it. And the person who placed me here would

only watch. In darkness and alone and afraid -- so terribly afraid.

The clock ticked away and the trains rumbled.

I got up. I had to. To the bathroom. I held both arms in front of me until I

felt the wall and then the bedroom door. The hallway and finally the bathroom

door. It smelled like cleaning solution and soap and mildew. The bathroom. I

sighed in relief. I flushed. It was loud. The tap was cold and sweet as it

dribble down my throat. I cupped my hands and washed my face. I looked up and

saw nothing. Water pooled in my empty sockets so I dipped my head and let them

drain.

I patted my face. My nose, my ears, my mouth. They are still here. I struck a

pose for the mirror to see. I patted my face again. A corner of my mouth had

lifted into a smile.

"I am still alive." My voice was hoarse and I laughed at my voice. Death may

come but surely, surely this is the excitement I had been dreaming off. I will

not die yet. If my soul had cracked then this will be my water of life. If life

has buried me here then I will claw my way back. I felt the wall until I found

the light switch. On, off, on, off, on, off. Nothing changed for me but I can

hear the electricity beat the bulb to light. I laughed. I will be fine. There

is food in the pantry, water from the tap. I will find my phone and call the

police.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and my bravado disappeared and my soul

shrunk in anguish. I can hear the screeching of brakes and the call of broken

metal. I can imagine the smiling face of that mail carrier, the corridor of

rooms, and MY EYES MY EYES MY EYES MY EYES MY EYES MY EYES...

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I heard the lock click and the door opened.

"Maintenance! Maintenance!! We need to change your AC filter!" Someone was

calling.

Maintenance? I would've never imaged maintenance. Was I home? Awake? Alive?

Maintenance? When did I call for maintenance? I pressed my ear to the bathroom

door. Heavy footsteps walked into the kitchen. I heard someone laugh. The

footsteps are getting louder now. Louder. And Louder! I could hear the wood

floor whimper. Stomping down the hallway now. Stomping stomping stomping.

Stomping! Stopping! I pressed my head to the bathroom door and held my breath.

I am cold, so very, very cold. This heart of mine is frozen and I am scared. So

very, very scared.

Then the footsteps turned. The footsteps grew hurried and something heavy fell

to the floor and rolled until it hit a wall. The footsteps walked away. Back

into the kitchen. A few laughs and the door slam shut. The lock clicked back.

And I was alone? I shivered. The seconds dragged on and the minutes laughed as

the hours returned to visit. I was curled up in the shower when I heard the

door open again.

The lock clicked and the door squeaked open and closed. I heard nothing else.

Who was it? This time. This time, who was it? I did not know. So I laid still

as my thoughts broke and as they ran and scattered and as they collided and

disappeared.

I heard the handle rattle.

"Baby?"

Cold.

"Baby, are you ok? You've been in there for a while."

I am cold.

"Baby?"

I am so very, very cold.

The handle rattled again.

"Baby? Are you in there? Is everything alright?"

Silence.

let me melt away. into the bath. down the hungry, hungry drain. and wake me up

so that I can live again.

please

I heard a click please And the handle turn loudly and the bathroom door opened

and soft steps walked in Their breathing is light and their voice is of concern

"Baby?" but it is no concern of mine because I am frozen Cold Cold Cold I felt

their hands Soft as it moved from my forehead to my chest and I am too scared

to scream they said again "Baby, you are so cold!" and I did not answer So they

called I heard their frantic voice but I took no notice of it They got into the

tub with me and held me close I felt their softness and smelled their scent but

I could not understand it They held warmth but I wanted none of it And soon

heavy steps came They spoke to each other in heavy tones and voices voices

voices came and went They touched me Felt me Placed their hands on me Placed

their tools on me And carried me away They cried.

And away I went Without a sound.