Gold.
Gold is amazing.
Not as amazing as me but it’s still pretty fucking good.
Now where do criminals keep gold?
‘I don’t know’
Exactly, you don’t know.... well I don’t know either, but that’s besides the point. Criminals hide their gold in places that have nothing to do with them.
The sea loving pirates bury their treasure on land, thieves hide treasures in caves in the middle of nowhere, 50 miles from the nearest town, Mafia bosses hide their gold in offshore banks etc etc.....
Now where should I hide this really fancy carriage?
When I came to this world, I had thought it’d be easy to be a criminal but now I see I was wrong.
‘Maybe bury it?’
Nah I don’t even know where I am, how am I supposed know where to look when.... oh right I’m super smart, I’ll just remember where I buried it.
‘I’m so smart.... jeez’
Stopping in a clearing I put the half-dead unicorns on the ground and start inspecting my first loot in a new world.
“Uuughhh” a groan comes from the driver's seat.
‘Wait... what? Did I pick up a straggler?’
‘euguhu’ another groan bursts out.
When I get round to the front of the carriage, I find what I believe to be a butler. His clothes are all shredded with burnt marks covering his skin that weren’t protected by his clothes. It was so bad, like seriously so bad, that I couldn’t even begin to describe it. (so I won’t)
“Yo ‘burntler’ (hehehe) you ok?”
“Unnnngggg”
“wow, I guess not”
“UNfffffff”
“What?”
“Nnnneemmmmmm”
“Neem? Nem? Wtf? Speak properly.”
“.......”
“My guy, you can’t keep living your life being incomprehensible.”
“.....”
“Look at deaf people, they can’t even hear themselves yet they some manage to speak. Look at you. You got a tiny burn and now all of a sudden you can’t speak. Grow up, stop acting like a child and speak properly.”
“.....”
“......”
“......”
“Eh hh Sss-ssirr I-ii dd-ddon't tthhhhi-nnnk iiittssss aA-aa ttiny bbburn.” a small cuteish voice comes from the side of the carriage.
I turn to face the origin of the voice.
There stood a small child,
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“Hey kid, shut up.”
“M-mE?”
“Is there any other kid in the middle of a forest that is also within hearing distance of me?”
‘tsk, jeez I feel bad for him, he looks so average’
He had an average build, an average face, hentai protagonist hair, average eye colour etc.. He was just extremely average; you wouldn’t recognize him even if you knew him. God must’ve cursed this guy, there is like literally no other way a human can be this average.
“Hey kid I don’t like you, go away” with that I go back to bullying the butler.
“hehehehe hey ‘burntler’ kekekekeke”
“Stop that please! He needs medical help!” The kid that had yet to run away shouted out loud.
‘wow, character development’
“Your Highness I-" suddenly butler starts talking normally seemingly inspired by this brat’s care for him.
‘wtf is happening’
“Quiet, Bernard you need to rest....”
‘ptshhhhh Bernard hahahahaha’
“But for you to worry about me is....”
“Please sir he needs medical help!”
‘Eh? Me?’
“What nonsense are you speaking? Brat.”
“I kidnapped you, so I decide what happens to who, brat.”
“But sir he’ll die...” tears start forming and snot starts dripping from the brat.
“stfu kid, I’m a criminal, I do what I want”
The tears start properly falling as he looks at the butler.
*sigh*
“Fine, c’mere” I wave for the kid to come over with my left hand and pick up the butler with my right.
Once the kid is next to me I pick him up by the collar.
“Kid, I don’t care about you or your butler, so I won’t help you”
“Eh?” a surprised gasp comes out the kids' mouth.
“Maybe your friends will. :)”
FTOOOSH
So, I threw them, in the general location the battle had happened.
It’s up to god I guess, I mean if god truly hated that child he would let him survive and live out his life of averageness, don’t know about the butler but who cares about him.
Back to burying my treasure.
----------------------------------------
“Sir we’ve searched everywhere in a ten-mile radius and have yet to find anything. Although we have had some encounters with those cloak bastards, we seem to be evenly matched and so we can’t do anything about them” With a salute the knight in shining starts giving off his report to the old man.
“huuuuu...” The old man sighs.
The knight continues “We have regrouped with the vanguard and reinforcements so we could maybe push the search radius another ten miles but if we do so then we would be pushing into the elven and monster territory, and I fear that we may lose more men.”
“huuuuu.... Imma take a breather” with anguish the old man sighs as he steps out the tent. The knights had taken up camp just off the dirt road where they were ambushed. They were mainly set up to look after the wounded and horses that couldn’t be used in the forest.
“I’m in some deep shit.... fuck”
Wistfully the old man starts looking up to the sky, “Please God, please make sure no harm comes to the prince”
“aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh”
“Sounds like our boys met some cloakies”
“aaaaaaahahhhhhhhhHHHH”
“It’s..... getting closer”
Two humanoid figures come into view of the old man.
‘Is that? No.... can’t be.’
“aaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“shit”
The old man suddenly jumps towards the figures and catches them mid-air.
Once he lands the old man mutters.
“wtf”
----------------------------------------
“Ok, that’s the carriage buried.”
“Now how do you hide unicorns?”
‘I could cut off the horn and make them normal horses’
“But that defeats the purpose of having them, me”
‘I know, I know but be real a sec, ok? We can’t bury them.....’
“Are you for real?”
‘Their immortal, aren’t they?’
True True
“God euggggh, what have you done, even the writer is agreeing with you.”
‘It’s not like they are going to of any use in that half dead state anyway’
“Yeah but I’ve got to make another hole, I’m a criminal not a digger”
‘Shut up me, just do it’
*sigh*
So the world’s greatest being dug two holes to bury a carriage and a couple of half-dead unicorns.