Ayla rode alongside Miller after the bout. Everyone wanted to get to the tavern and end their night. For her, it was a fine introduction. There was still just one thing she could not quite sort out in her head.
`I can guess that he simply doesn’t see a need to, but for someone like Miller who wants to protect his squad-mates so much, why is he not trying to get stronger? Stronger is better. It makes everything easier and safer for everyone around you. Yet it’s an area he’s happily stagnating in.` They reached the entrance to town as the sun was setting. The lamps were already lit.
“Miller?”
“Yeah?”
“Why don't you care about getting stronger? Don't you want to be strong enough to defend everyone here?”
He considered the question for less than a second. He was quick with the answer and it was roughly what she expected.
“If you put it like that, isn't it because I feel like I am strong enough to defend all the people here? If I didn’t think I was I’d probably be putting my nose to the dirt training every single day.”
“That’s what you were like originally.” Samson claimed.
“I basically didn’t see you until you and I were even… That’s with me having a few years on you at that point.”
Miller nodded along with what Samson was saying, but then noticed Ayla’s unsatisfied expression.
“What? We’re not at war or close to war. Monsters are handled systematically, so it's not like any one Knight needs to be overwhelmingly powerful. We work in groups for a reason. I think that where strength is needed is in situations like last week when you were sick. That’s the stuff I care about right now most of all.”
“I see.” Ayla fell into quiet contemplation.
`I don’t know how to tell him he’s wrong. From Miller's perspective he's right. If things stay as they are now he’s as strong as he needs to be. No… he's stronger than he rightfully should be for where he is. For an army in a peaceful time Miller is the exact type of person that’s needed.`
“Aaayla!” Miller raised his voice and elongated the vowels in her name to get her attention.
“Huh?” she looked up suddenly.
“I called your name a few times. That woman has the same eyes as yours. I've only seen them twice, so it's a bit rare.” He pointed the woman out.
Ayla looked to confirm what Miller was talking about, then rode over to get in front of Haron. “You.”
“Me.” Haron smiled awkwardly as she looked up at Ayla. She was holding herbs in her apron like a basket.
“You aren't wearing a mask.” Ayla observed.
Haron touched her face curiously. She acted surprised. “You're right!” Ayla narrowed her eyes at the strange response. It felt like Haron was some type of Alien with the way she spoke and behaved. Now that she could take in Haron's features, the strange woman looked a bit like her. The hair and the eyes at least, and she was older than Ayla expected.
“What can I do for you, Dame? I have a sick child at home that needs some attention.”
“Where do you live?”
Haron thought for a moment. “Actually, I live in a vacated warehouse not too far away. It is the only one with the windows boarded up so it is pretty easy to find.” Haron continued to smile brightly.
“Uh...” Ayla eyed Haron up and down, feeling a little stone-walled. She caught a bit of greying hair on her apron, but did not think much of it, since she was an ageing woman. The non-suspicious factors filtered through her mind. She was in regular clothes. She was old and nice, just a little weird. Sick child at home and herbs to corroborate what she was doing and:
`I was expecting her to not answer my question but she literally told me exactly where she lives.` Ayla turned her horse awkwardly.
“O-okay. Sorry to bother you, Ma’am. Bye.”
“Bye Dame Ayla!” Haron even saw her off by waiting by the road and waving with her free hand. Once the Knights left she began humming as she continued on her way towards the safe-house.
“What was that about?” Samson asked.
“I thought she was suspicious.” Ayla explained.
“Oh. Why?”
“She’s just strange.” She admitted.
Samson huffed. “You can't just go around questioning people for such baseless reasons.”
“Can't we do whatever we want to preserve the peace because we're Knights serving under the Duke?”
“No!” Miller and Samson said at the same time.They were horrified.
“This girl...” Samson held his head in disbelief.
“These are our people, and the Duke's people. You ‘should’ think of them like your people now that you’re here. His Grace isn’t the kind of Lord that wants to trouble the people in his land. Is that how you do it in the capital?”
`It is. But…` Ayla felt bad as soon as she realised she had exposed herself. She knew the best thing to do when someone was upset and she needed to see things ended was to be placative and concede. “No, not really. Sorry, I was wrong. I'll keep what you said in mind, of course.”
Samson looked at her searchingly. “I don’t know how much I believe you. Whatever it was like in the capital, you don't have to do that stuff here. We exist to protect all these people. You don't have to interrogate or intimidate anyone that stands out. You shouldn’t.”
“I promise I was just wondering.” Ayla reiterated.
“Come on, Ryan. She didn’t know.” Miller interjected.
“Protecting bad behaviour doesn’t help her, Zach. Teaching newbies is one part of protecting them. Ayla, don’t take it-” He caught her expression, noticing right away that she was acting like a guilty child. The older Knight felt strange. He had a daughter of his own at home and so much of Ayla's unexplained behaviour felt like a kid without a compass. It was something he had to deal with often and it confused him to have to deal with it in a grown woman.
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“It was probably just a slip up. Old habits die hard. Ayla doesn't believe in that sort of thing.” Miller offered in her defence.
“Right?” She could tell that even he was hesitant. He was only saying the nice thing to give her an easy out.
Ayla felt dejected. If she was just acting like a good person,she would not change. To put on a show and pretend was something she did in her last life. That was the rhythm she had been falling into. She gathered all of her courage to admit:
“I lied.”
Samson nodded slowly. Miller quieted his defence. “Thanks for coming clean. I don’t mean to grill you, by the way. We’re your comrades and ideally your friends, here. We just want you change the bad habits. You’re a Castezinan, now, after all.”
That statement struck her a certain way. It opened her up better than a sword could. She hesitated to speak again, bet eventually asked in a faint tone, so faint that she half hoped that they would not hear her::
“How does one go about changing?” The two Knights looked at her. The soldiers were listening, but pretending not to.
Samson considered his next move carefully; why she was asking and what it meant to ask after such a talk. He inhaled deeply, eying the eavesdropping soldiers as he contemplated what to do. Their words travelled further, since they were less private than the Knights. It was the reality of living in a more condensed barracks most of the month.
“Private talk between Knights.” Samson announced, dismounting his horse. He pointed ahead insistently.
“You all go ahead. We’ll meet you there.”
The soldiers reluctantly made their way up the street without them. Once they were finally out of sight they all left their horses nearby on the street and pulled Ayla into a quiet alleyway.
“It sounds like you have something on your mind. You weren’t just asking for pointers. What’d you mean? You don’t know what you can do to change?” Samson asked seriously. The strangeness of it really dawned on her after that. Most people did not have issues changing and correcting themselves. Ayla was different. For her, change required her to take a path that felt unintuitive and unnatural. It required her to do things that were not always logical or sensical; things that would go against her intuition, as well. Defying something that kept her alive for so long was jarring and it felt wrong.
Ayla felt extremely nervous. `This could be bad. It could be the last conversation we have, but I keep falling into old habits without thinking. The things that I assume are natural are only natural to me. It shines through a little more every day. Every day I keep going using my old ways puts me on a winding path towards the same result. A slow burn… but I’m still burning.` She ground her teeth together.
`I NEED to change things for myself. I need to STOP myself.` She gulped, remembering her first terrifying nightmare and all those after. Each one ended with her hand loosening from her sword. She felt dubious about the meaning.
`But… I still need some parts of the old me. That side of me is good at certain things.` She cringed, snapping herself from her thoughts to find that she had her sheathed sword in a death grip that strained the leather.
“Look how uncomfortable she is.” Miller observed, pointing. She glanced between Miller and Samson, noting that she had spaced out and only caught the tail end of their argument. Samson saw fit to end the discussion sensibly.
“It's necessary. She’s the one that asked us with that serious look. If it was just me noticing things, I wouldn’t have butted in. But I get the sense that she’s asking because she wants help.” He stared at Miller pointedly.
“Asking for it is already more than most can do, right Zach?”
Miller covered his mouth with his hand. He turned his head awkwardly, cheeks reddening. “Y-yeah. That’s true.” He took unsteady breaths to quickly get back to form. Eventually he uncovered his mouth and rolled his shoulder to stretch it out.
“I guess you can’t ignore that, huh?”
“I am a-” She stopped as both men turned to acknowledge her the moment she started speaking. She corrected her way of speaking unintentionally as she started again beneath their gazes.
“I was a bad person.” Ayla volunteered with calm certainty. Miller quieted down again as he listened uncomfortably. Samson stood in front of her, offering his complete attention. A neutral expression was worn as he loomed a little taller than normal over her shrinking form. Her hands were folded in front of her lap.
“That's why I want to change.”
“What’d you do?” Samson asked instantly.
“It's not enough to say you were a bad person. I can't understand that without context. Without context you may just think you’re bad.”
“No… no, I think it’s pretty bad. I've intimidated people and bullied people. I hurt them badly. I ruined someone’s life at the Academy for… very little reason. Even before then, I was a terror. I doubt many of the people I hurt even deserved it.” She stated with a disquieting sureness of the last fact.
“That’s not great. Let’s focus on your time in the academy. Why? Was it the Crown Prince?” Samson asked.
Ayla answered without thinking. “Partially? But I was the one that did it, so it was still me, right?”
He softened, becoming relieved at the answer. “I would’ve thought of you differently if you tried to push the blame onto someone else.” He observed her closely as she cracked a brief smile at that. She wasn’t sure if she deserved the credit, since she was just saying what felt obvious. She never believed most of what she did was the fault of Caelin. He was a force that allowed her to do the things she was capable of.
“Have you killed before?”
“Yes.” She admitted while looking down to avoid their gazes.
“People that didn’t deserve it?” Samson probed her with her own words.
“Ryan-” Miller interjected again, feeling a sudden weight in the conversation, but Samson shot a harsh, quieting look at him in order to let Ayla finish what she was saying.
“I-” Her pupils dilated. First and foremost the faces of the two men she was with were in front of her. Many more in Castezin alone entered her mind. Hundreds. Thousands. Tens of thousands as a result of things she had done. Butcher. Murderer. Witch. The truth; the words 'Yes. I have. I am a cold-blooded killer' caught in her throat.
`How many have I killed? What can I say? Even before my last life started I killed people. When it was easy and it would help me. When I wanted to and I knew I could get away with it. I can’t tell them. It would be over for me if I told them, but I need to say something that’s true. Please Sol, allow me to avoid the truth for a little longer.` Ayla gulped.
“It was when I was still in the Academy.”