A minute later, I crawled from a monstrous mound of dead spider. Imagine drowning in a vat of condensed cream of mushroom soup, except made of bugs. Yeah. Still, I didn’t puke. There was no time to puke. Instead, I limped barefoot and dripping filth between rows of tombstones toward the Hole leading to the exit.

Down to 24/53 health.

Less than fifty percent. I wouldn’t survive an encounter with the third creature, not yet. Still, at least I’d snagged a pearl bead from Tirofry. I’d gotten nothing from the first spider, though. Apparently I’d lost a shot at that bead during the zombification process? Or something. Who knew?

I moved fast and low across the tombyard toward the exit, keeping my ears pricked for strange noises. The blacked trees worried me, so I stayed away from them ... and I reached the Hole without any problem.

“Hey, princess?” I called, gazing over my shoulder at the tombyard. “That’s two down. Just one to go.”

Nobody cheered or flashed her tits. There wasn’t a fanfare of trumpets or a royal proclamation. Still, I was pretty impressed with myself.

“I, uh ... “ I resisted the urge to try an Austrian accent. “I’ll be back.”

Then I stumbled through the Hole.

I almost wept at the sight of trees and skies in the courtyard. I stood motionless, reveling in the touch of fresh air on my face. Then I swallowed a pearl bead and limped along the path to the fountain. The soles of my feet were tough enough that I barely noticed stepping on pointy rocks and broken branches. Fortitude had saved my life, too. Still, my Strength was lagging. As was my Alertness. If I’d had more warning, if I’d noticed more and reacted faster, I might’ve avoided some of the most damaging blows.

I bathed myself extremely thoroughly before settling down for a meal. Rahico fruit again. Yum. As I ate, I wondered if I should focus on other stats for a while. Strength, Alertness, and ... Spirit? I really needed to learn more about my gem. Those faded words on the tombstones had intrigued me: Veil of Smoke and ‘shaping smoke into figures ...’

Maybe my gem only granted me ‘smoke body.’ That was possible. Hell, it was awesome. But judging from what Oksar had told me, there might be more to it. And those epitaphs pretty heavily implied he was right. I needed to find out what else I could do.

I checked my sheet, and realized that after winning both those fights, I only had two available points. Seemed a little ungenerous, considering what I’d just been through. Why hadn’t I earned more for killing those tombyard creatures? They out-levelled me pretty significantly, and didn’t you always get points for killing monsters?

“I could use an edge right now,” I told the quiet courtyard. “Or at least an explanation. This whole system is wonky.”

No explanation was forthcoming. Well, fine. I’d save my points for ‘Emergency Fortitude’ heals and work on advancing my other stats later. Nothing mattered more than dragging myself back from the brink of death.

“And while we’re talking,” I added, like five minutes later. “What’s up with all the spiders? Branch out a little.”

Then I ate another fruit and wondered about the princess. I’d never met a princess. She sounded quirky and warm. Nice laugh, too. But she also sounded prim and ... virginal. Not that I expected to get any action while covered in spider gore, but after a nice bath and a romantic fruit-based dinner in the courtyard? Well, a man could dream.

So I did.

Anyway. At about sunset I popped another pearl bead, and woke the next morning with full health and mana. I sharpened my poor abused hatchets and mended my armor as well as I could, which wasn’t very well. So much for my innate human crafting ability.

Then I prowled the courtyard, looking for anything that might help in the upcoming fight. After a while, I dumped the rocks and branch from my domain, and yanked a prickle bush with ropy stems from the ground. The thorns were viciously sharp and easily an inch long, but didn’t even scratch my skin. I didn’t think the bush would scratch a monster spider, either, but if it appeared at the right time--out of nowhere--it might buy me a few seconds. And if I could carry something into battle at no cost, with no hassle or weight, I definitely should.

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After that, I took a nap on a moss-blanket on the shrine in the sun.

Listen, I wanted to save the princess. I wanted a kickass blessing and an ally. I wanted to get strong enough to survive. Strong enough to protect myself--and others. But all of this fantasy-world-monster-slaying was a lot, and I also wanted to get my head right.

So I lazed for a while. I stretched. I bathed again. I read some poetry. I practiced throwing my hatchets, but spent most of my time retrieving them. I napped again, then woke again. Finally, I drank my fill of water and headed back to the Hole.

Then I, uh, limbered up a little. What can I say? I didn’t want to die because I hadn’t stretched my hamstrings.

“Here goes everything,” I said, and stepped through the Hole into the tombyard.

It looked the same. Orange light, hundreds of gravestones. No spider corpses. A few big tombs, a few black trees. All in a subterranean cavern with stalactites hanging from the ceiling like fangs.

“All I wanted,” I muttered, peering into ember-tinted gloom, “was a six-pack of beer.”

That time, I stuck to the periphery of the cavern, hugging the roughhewn stone walls. Partly because I was wondering if there were tunnels leading out of there, but mostly because I didn’t want the third creature sneaking up behind me.

The first had shat gluey minions at me.

The second had puppeted a corpse.

I wasn’t taking chances with the third.

I didn’t find any exit tunnels. It took about fifteen minutes--I guessed--but I slunk in a complete circle around the exterior of the tombyard before I reached Hole from the other side. I didn’t see any movement. Didn’t see any traps. Didn’t see anything of note, so I eyed the biggest tombs. They were pale stone constructions, veined with black, tinted red by the ember-light. Yeah, pretty ominous. Like, if undead spiders were going to swarm from anywhere in this hellish terrain, they were definitely going to swarm from the creepy oversized tombs.

I stood at Hole, having completely circumnavigated the cavern, and took a calming breath. Next step? I’d explore between the gravestones. Try to flush out my third opponent, I guess.But first I adjusted my grip on my hatchets and listened to the silence.

Then I said, “Princess?”

“Oh, you’ve returned!” her sourceless voice immediately answered. “Thank goodness, thank all the goodnesses! I’m so relieved, Alex! Pleased and relieved, and I do apologize for abandoning you like that earlier. I’m not quite myself, I’m sorry to say. I’m suffering with waves of exhaustion. I find it difficult to focus. I suspect that I’ve always been flighty, or at least I suspect that I’ve always been considered flighty, though one hopes that one might be considered less ‘flighty’ than ‘enthusiastic’ or ‘lively’ or, or engaged.”

“Definitely not flighty,” I said.

“You’re teasing me again! Oh! And you defeated two of our adversaries? Am I correct in thinking that?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m teasing you.”

“Not that! I know that, you horrible creature! I mean about our adversaries.”

“That’s true, too,” I said.

“Well done! Oh, very well done. And you’re ...” Princess paused. “I hope you’re not too badly hurt.”

“Not anymore, no.”

“Well, thanks goodness. Though that ‘anymore’ sounds a little dire. Still! I’m pleased that, in the end, you are once again hale and hearty and overflowing, no doubt, with vim and vigor. Possibly both. Will you tell me about them? The adversaries, I mean.”

“You don’t already know?”

“My memory, Alexandrinicus, is roughly as steady as the flame of a flickering candle, abandoned upon a palace wall in a season of gales and flurries. I believe ... well, I suspect that my senses extend a good distance from here, from my present location, from this ... “ Princess gave a little sigh. “This oversized and underfurnished stone hall in which I am imprisoned. Yet I cannot quite make sense of what they’re telling me. My senses, I mean. Despite feeling the tug of magic inside me, I cannot marshal any power. I don’t ... I don’t even recall my own name.”

“You don’t recall mine either,” I said, teasing again because she sounded so sad. “You think I’m ‘Alexandrinicus.’”

“Is that not your full name?”

“No, my full name is Alex. At least my full first name. Well, sort of. My last name is--“

“It’s coming!” she said, suddenly urgent. “The third one is coming.”

My attention snapped to the cavern in front of me. “I don’t see anything.”

“It’s awake,” she told me. “And approaching you.”

Orange light glimmered on gravestones and among the blackened branches of the skeletal trees, casting creepy shadows. Nothing else moved, not that I saw.

“Getting closer,” Princess said.

“Maybe stop talking,” I whispered.

“Nobody can hear me but you,” she told me. “Closer still.”

I didn’t doubt her. Partly because she seemed so confident, partly because of course the third danger was rapidly approaching. But also, that quest had instructed me to rescue her. My quests often sounded like a prick, but they’d never lied. I trusted them.

So I moved. I sidled past the Hole, then followed the cavern wall farther along, watching for any movement. I didn’t see anything. I didn’t see the faintest trace of anything.

“It’s still here?” I asked, my voice soft. “Still approaching?”

“Yes,” she said. “But I cannot identify from whence.”

I considered my situation for a few seconds, instead of mocking her for saying ‘whence.’

Then I considered my situation for another second--and broke for the center of the cavern. Because hugging the wall made sense. Hugging the wall was the most intelligent option. Of course when there was an invisible monster in the room, you wanted a wall to your back.

Which meant that was exactly what the invisible monster would expect me to do.