Feeling lonely?

Did your faithful family pet just bite it?

No worries. We have a solution for you.

With these simple steps, you can find yourself a new faithful companion, straight from the depths of hell.

`

All you'll need is:

* Salt

* A Knife - we recommend a small one, something easy to fit in your pocket and that won’t get in the way

* 3 Candles - now they don't need to be scented, but it would be preferable

* A Lighter of some kind, obviously

* A Short Wooden Rod with a point on one end carved from the wood of the Cercis siliquastrum

* And some Paper. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy, no papyrus or anything like that. Could be something you got from a textbook, some printer paper; hell if you’re brave enough, it could be toilet paper, it’s not my life your toying with, so go crazy.

Now that you have what you need, locate a room with minimal sources of light. The room doesn't need to be in your house, but if you were to do this, and we do recommend that you do, the place should hold some meaning to you. Maybe you go on down to Memaw's house and borrow a spare room, when’s the last time you visited her anyway?

You need to start the ritual at 12 o'clock AM, for the best results attempt this on All Hallows Eve, better known to most of you mortals as Halloween. Now that you have a location, date, and time. You are ready to start.

Settle down in your chosen room, lock each and every entrance, putting a generous line of salt in front of each, I hope you brought more than just a salt shaker. Make sure that there’s as little light entering the room as possible.

Once you have prepped the room make a circle of salt in the middle big enough for you to sit in, for you bigger humans out there, I really hope you brought more than just a salt shaker.

Next, set the candles down in front of you - outside the circle, placing them inside will be the last mistake you ever make - in a triangle shape, they should be six inches apart. Once you've lit them, quickly, get in the circle, sitting perfectly in the middle making sure not to disturb any of the salt.

Now that you’re inside, we hope that you haven't forgotten anything outside of the circle, because at this point, you can't leave until the ritual is done or it won't work, granted that’s the best option of the several terrible things that can happen to you.

Now for the remainder of the instructions, we ask that you read them carefully.

DO NOT attempt to record your experience. Our friends down under - and I'm not talking about Australians - don't take too kindly to being filmed, and the safety precautions that have been put in place won't matter if you attempt to film. You may be asking. “If they don’t matter if I try to film why would they matter if I don’t film at all.”

Well my speculative little spellcaster, it has to do with the technology itself, it’ll weaken the bonds of the protections you’ve put up. Does it make sense? No. Are some of you still going to try and record it? Of course, because most of you are dumb. Are those that disobey going to have their souls ripped through their chocolate starfish and be flayed for all eternity? You bet your questioning keister they will.

Moving on, this is also a one-person experience, no friends, no family, if you’ve got an imaginary friend tell him to take a hike 'cause he's about to be replaced anyway, no one but you is allowed to be there as you attempt this. We can't guarantee your safety if you were to bring along a buddy. So if you do attempt this in Memaw's house, make sure the old hag is nice and tied up - fun fact - Memaw was a real freak back in the day so she probably likes it - and stowed away in another room before she barges in and gets your soul- Refer to the previous paragraph if you need a reminder of what’ll happen.

Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

Now back on track. Circle made, candles down, and your sitting in the circle. Now it's time for your knife, whip out that bad boy, and we hope you didn't pick a butter knife or your in for a bad time, and make a small cut, down go too deep, bleedin’ all over the place would probably be really inconvenient. Then use the wooden rod and dip the pointed end into your blood.

Take out the paper and let's get to writing, for this part you'll want to write each word exactly.

Let's begin

"I (enter your name here) solemnly vow, to offer a fraction of my undying soul, as an offering to the beings of the abyss. To bring into this world a companion of my design, to aid me in any task that I see fit, to stay by my side until the day that my soul is ripped from my shell and dragged down into the gates of the unholy. This is my contract, and this is my vow, I offer my soul as payment."

To know if you did it right, you should feel a cold feeling rush up your spine and an overwhelming feeling of dread, unease, regret, and overwhelming sadness to the point of depression take hold of you, that's your soul being relocated have no fear, if you feel that, you did it right. Now when all that's done, take your thumb and put it onto the cut that you've made, making sure that it is covered generously, and put your thumbprint on the lower right corner of the paper. Why, you ask, that you need your thumbprint when you just wrote the contract in your own blood? I don't know, I don't make the rules.

With that being done, the lit candles should flicker and go out, then they will relight. A strong smell of sulfur will engulf the room, this is where scented candles will come in handy. When this happens close your eyes, DO NOT OPEN THEM, this is the time that you design your "pet".

Imagine them however you like, it could be terrifying, looking like something out of a twisted mind, or it could be friendly looking - we do recommend the latter, you will have to be living with this thing for the rest of your life. You will get to pick almost every aspect of its appearance, its height, its weight, eye color all that good stuff. But remember no matter how appealing you make it look, it will always, always, be a demon.

Once you're done, the smell of sulfur will leave the room, you can now open your eyes, and standing before you is your very own demon.

But DON'T leave the circle yet, to make sure that the beast is actually under your control issue it a command, but not any command tell it to kneel before you.

You may be asking “Aren’t demons natural tricksters?” And boy do you sure have a lot of questions. Anyway, although demons are tricksters, no demon wants to kneel before a human, but thanks to that contract it has no choice.

If the demon kneels, con-grat-u-lations! You are now in possession of your very own hell creature.

They will assist you in any task that you ask them to.

Is your boss hounding you for that report you should have gotten done weeks ago? It's not your fault you're addicted to online gambling on company time. Send your new buddy after him, it'll make that problem disappear without any suspicion coming your way.

Wanna win the lottery, just so you can have the thrill of gambling it all away? Let it tell you what card to pick.

Need to fix your marriage because your wife just found out you took out another mortgage on your house to support your gambling problem? Have your demon, do some magic mambo jumbo to wipe her mind of how much of a deadbeat you are.

Feeling stressed because loan sharks are coming to break your legs in four places because you failed to pay them back after you lost all the money in a pyramid scheme - which I think might be a is a slight upgrade from the gambling thing? Have no fear, your demon will send them back to their family in boxes, and with our demonic rush shipping, they’ll arrive before rigor mortis sets in.

Or if you just want someone to talk to - which should be a therapist for your gambling addiction - I can guarantee you that every one of our demons is a great listener.

But, if the demon doesn't kneel, you've done something wrong. Something, VERY VERY WRONG. And sad to say, not really, you'll probably be making a visit to the abyss sooner than you expected.

Your demon will stay by your side always; you will feel its presence when you sleep, looming over you "protectively" and definitely not trying to think of new ways to escape the contract. While you eat, it will add a slightly scorched taste to each meal, making you slowly accustom to what your new diet will taste like when you finally enter the abyss. And even during those private moments when you sit on your porcelain throne dropping a big one. You might not always be able to see it, because they like to lounge in shadows and in dark places, but it will be there. And don't worry about other people seeing it, they'll only be able to if you add their name to the contract - but that would be a real dick move though, considering you would tie them into your own ultimate fate, you know, hellfire, the eternal abyss, and all that.

So, now that you know what to do, and you know all the overwhelmingly wonderful perks and benefits, that most definitely outweigh the minor drawbacks, get out there folks, and summon your very own best friend.

P.S. - Also, don't let the contract be destroyed, that piece of paper is the only thing that keeps your new best friend from ripping out your throat, you might want to get it laminated or something.