The end of the world wasn't my best day. It wasn't my worst day either. But let's not talk about who did or didn't accidentally vomit on a baby seal. Or who did or didn't then get into a fight with that seal’s mother. A fight that definitely ended in a draw. 

Anyway, it all started five hours ago with the strange blue boxes floating above me. 

[Attention Planet #546,236. Designation, Earth. You have been integrated into the System. As per our arrangement with your leaders, the four tutorial trials will begin in five hours. Should you not know what those are, an explanation will be given an hour before they begin.]

[Time until the trials begin: 4:99.59.]

[To celebrate, survivors of the coming trials will each receive a reward. Your inventories and status screens will become available upon entering one of the five towers. Warning: The towers will only become accessible once the second trial has commenced.]

Was this a prank? Was I going to end up on television?

If it was, it was crazy elaborate. I could have googled the answer. Or asked the police. But the internet was going crazy for some reason, and the emergency services line was busy. 

Instead, I went to see Jemima.

Three hours later I was sinking my white shirt and denim jeans ass first into a beanbag chair, warm gloves on my hands, and a jug of water resting on the stained carpet next to me. Beside me was Jemima, my best friend and partner in crime. Sometimes literally. 

“This is an epic prank,” Jemima said. “Who do you think set it up?” She asked.

“The government,” I answered immediately. “It just makes sense.”

Jemima giggled. “Does it?” 

Her laughter was more strained than usual. Higher pitched, and less enthusiastic than when we watched television. I understood her nervousness. The countdown had probably gone under two hours and even the beanbag chairs weren’t comforting us with their gentle fabric hugs. 

“Hey, check this out,” I said. “I saw someone doing this on the subway. ‘Countdown’.”

The moment I spoke, a blue box appeared in front of my eyes, floating in the air like a balloon. 

[Time until the trials begin: 1:15.27.]

I swiped the screen away and watched it disappear with a whoosh. It was so weird. Like a computer screen. One with a touchpad. 

“Have you gone mad?” Jemima asked. “Why are you pawing at the air?”

“Come on, try it,” I said. 

Jemima sighed. “Fine. Countdown.”

Her eyes widened, but I couldn't see what she saw. She pawed at the air like I had and I saw what she meant by looking crazy. When she swiped away the countdown, she looked more nervous than before. 

“What are the four trials?” Jemima asked. “Is this a religious thing? Are we being judged?”

“If that's true and we’re being judged then I'm going straight down there,” I said. “All the way down. No ice cubes for comfort.”

“No you're not.” Jemima looked at me with wide eyes. “You're not perfect, but who is?”

“A certain baby seal would say otherwise,” I laughed.

“Its momma beat the seven shades of bad karma out of you. Hey,” Her voice grew quieter with each word. “Do you think it's real? If it is, then why did you come here?”  

I paused, my usual smile disappearing from my face for the first time that day. I had no parents. No family. A dead end job. 

“There was nowhere else I could go,” I decided to be honest. “It was here or a podcast.”

Jemima pushed herself forward, a curious expression crossing her features, but before she could say what she wanted to, a new blue box lit up my vision. Judging from the surprise on her face, my friend was seeing it too. 

[Time until the trials begin: 1:00.00.]

[Information will now be given about the first trial.]

This time the blue box was accompanied by a voice. Old and wise, it held a hint of cruelty within its words. 

“Holy crap!” I shouted. “That's the guy from Lord of the Rings! The evil guy!”

“No it's not,” Jemima scowled. “That's James Bond. The one with the nice accent.”

A shiver ran down my spine but before I could reply, the box disappeared, only to be replaced by another. 

[Trial 1: The End of Common Sense. Forgo your common sense. Dismiss the illusion of reality you have long cultivated. Your life is a lie. Your philosophies are wrong. The System will enlighten you all, but to do so, it must destroy what you know. To survive the coming trial, release yourself from that which you consider safe.]

[Trial 1 objective: Survive.]

[Reward: A randomly generated item.]

The sound of a bottle cap being pried open interrupted the blue box’s dialogue. I glanced to my side and saw that Jemima had walked to her fridge. She was smiling and holding a frosted beer bottle in her hand. 

“You're kidding me,” I said. “Didn't you hear the evil voice? The world’s ending in an hour. And we said we'd never get drunk again. Not after what happened last time.”

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Jemima smiled sweetly. “I’m ending common sense. Besides, nothing can be as bad as last time.”

She pulled out another bottle, and clinked it temptingly against her own. A cheeky smile crossed her lips, but as a responsible person, I didn't drink a beer. 

…Nor did I drink five more of them…

…And I definitely didn't down ten bottles by the end of the hour…

…Plus five vodka jello shots Jemima was keeping in the fridge…

…Why was the world going dark?

[The first trial has begun.]

I groaned and swiped the annoying blue box away. Beside me, Jemima snored loudly, her breath disgusting enough to kill a mosquito in mid-air. 

The world was a haze of colors. 

[The first trial has ended.]

[Congratulations! You have survived the first trial.]

[Total survivors: 2,533,890,321. Wow. That's a lot more compared to the usual! The administrators will be happy.]

[The Second Trial will begin in five hours. Information will soon be given on the upcoming trial.]

“Ugh. No. It's too early.” 

I dismissed all of the blue boxes as they came up. If the world was going to end, then let it end. I didn't want to live long enough to feel the hangover this bender was about to give me. 

Soon, sleep took over me. Or maybe it was unconsciousness. 

[Information will be given on the upcoming trial.]

[Trial 2: The Tower Invasion. Praise the arrival of your saviors. Five towers. Five thousand entrances. Each will be guarded by denizens of the towers. For each of you that they kill, they'll receive a reward. So it's only fair that we provide the same for you.] 

[Trial 2 objective: Kill.]

[Trial 2 reward: A reward will be randomly generated based on your achievements.]

[Warning! You have not claimed your reward for trial 1.]

[Warning! You have not claimed your…]

[Warning…Hey. Are you listening to me?]

[...]

[...]

[The second trial has begun.]

[...]

[Holy crap. What are you doing?]

[Oh my me. This is horrifying.]

[No. This is just wrong.]

[I think I'm going to be sick.]

[...]

[The second trial has ended.]

A loud explosion woke me up in a panic. A quick scan of the ground showed me that I was on a park bench. And Jemima was lying on top of me, her drunken breath burning my eyes. 

It wasn’t an explosion that woke me up. It was her snoring. 

“Gah, get off me you hellhound.” I pushed her off of me and Jemima let out a yell when she hit the ground. 

“Damnit, Ben!” Jemima cried out. “I'll beat you harder than that seal did.”

A blue box interrupted my response and I growled. I was starting to get sick of these blue boxes appearing everywhere. I just wanted to nurse my hangover in peace. 

[Congratulations! You have survived the second trial.]

[Total survivors: 1,025,840,237. The administrators were so happy that they sent extra denizens to cull your numbers. They have deemed the survivors strong enough to enter the first floor of the towers. If you overcome the tower’s third and fourth trials you might even attract sponsorship offers.]

[Generating rewards for passing trial 2.]

[Congratulations! An extra reward has been granted: How are you still alive?]

[How are you still alive? (Reward): All debuffs will be healed by the System.]

[Your drunk status has been removed.]

Jemima’s curses and threats were lost to the wind as I finally managed to pry my eyes open. The blurry surroundings were becoming clearer, and I spotted a new blue box in front of me.

When I swiped the notification away I blanched. I was expecting to see a park. Maybe some grass. Or an apocalyptic sky. 

What I saw was bodies. Bodies everywhere. 

I lightly kicked my friend's ribs to get her attention. “Uhh, Jemima?”

She must have picked up something from my tone because she stopped whining and looked at me.

“Please tell me there's not a seal standing right behind me,” she said.  

“Worse,” I said. 

Jemima blinked away her hangover and turned her head, dread filling her eyes. A gasp escaped her lips as she spotted the bodies spread out around us. 

They were monsters. 

Some of the bodies had purple skin and looked like worms with multiple fanged mouths. Others had seven limbs, and none of them were where I'd thought they would be. Several blue-skinned, three-eyed humanoid giants, each the size of a building, were laid flat on the ground. 

All of the giants had two heads, except for one of them which had originally had two heads, but one had been severed from its body. That giant’s lost head was mounted on a bronze horse in the middle of the park and a plastic tiara had been stabbed into one of its three eyes. 

[Oh. You’re awake. Well. That was one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen. And I’ve integrated hundred of thousands of planets. Please claim your reward for trial 1. And never, ever, drink again. Ever.]

“Okay, fine, fine,” I held my hands up in defeat. “I'll take this reward. How do I do it?”

Jemima nodded beside me, and a flash of light blinded us. I heard her cry out, but the sound was one of glee. When the light subsided she held a long hilt with a blade attached to it. 

She'd gotten a sword. 

The edges were deep black, and the body was made of pure gold. It glowed with deep black light that flowed through five runes etched into the golden metal. 

“I love it!” Jemima hugged the sword tight. 

“Oh, sick,” I reached out to the air. “Give me one of those too.”

A flash of light blinded me again, but this time I was ready. When it subsided I was holding an item in my hands. 

It was a hammer. 

There was no glowing. And no runes. It was just an ordinary hammer. The kind that could be bought at any hardware store. 

[Finally! You have received: Crafting Hammer x1 (common). Use it wisely!]

[Your second trial reward will now be calculated based on your achievements.]

Jemima shot up, her eyes gleaming, “Oh damn. We get more free stuff?” 

[Calculating achievements…]

[You have killed one hundred and fifty-nine tower denizens. A new record!] 

[Calculating reward…]

“Wait, what?” Jemima asked. “It says I killed one hundred and fifty-eight tower denizens and emotionally traumatized one. What the hell is a denizen?”

“Why the hell would I know?” I said, pointing my useless hammer at her. “I've asked more questions today than I have the last month.”

[Rewards decided! You have each received a Legendary Skill Box. Please enter the nearest tower entrance to claim your reward.]

I glanced around at the bodies strewn around us. 

Counting them all was impossible. Some of them were just deflated puddles of slime. Other bodies were floating in the air while spinning in place and spewing forth light instead of blood. One of the bodies had a beer bottle sticking out of its head.

It also had wings on its back. 

“I think we killed an angel,” I said. “I knew we shouldn’t have gotten drunk again. This is just like last time.”

The color drained from Jemima’s face. “Oh crap. Do you think God noticed?”

“I don't even know if God's real.”

[That is not an angel, and yes, several administrators noticed. They were all very, very disturbed. And happy. And horny. Please make your way to the tower. You monsters.] 

Tower entrance?

I finally paid attention to what the blue box was telling me. In front of me was a mass of monstrous corpses. Behind me, a giant door was planted boldly on the grass. 

That door was attached to a tower of solid white marble. All along its surface were etchings of creatures I'd never seen before, and the tower stretched far and wide into the sky, piercing through the atmosphere and into the depths of space. Part of it had smashed through the moon, its marble surface undented after crashing into the celestial body.

When I looked past the tower I saw all that remained of mankind’s creations. Statues were blasted apart. Skyscrapers had been torn asunder. The heavens wept crimson tears upon the corpses of dead monsters.  

The Earth had been destroyed and now the herald of its end was prompting us to walk into the maw of its destroyers. 

“Yeah.”

I took a deep breath, and held back a scream. 

“This is definitely the second worst day of my life.”