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Let me feel again

“did you ever care to wonder about the structure of our society? We humans wake up every day to the tone of our alarms, with the weight of having to be somewhere in time pulling on our shoulders. We carry our tired bodies to whatever job we have available, and slave away until we are let go for the day. Are we truly free after our mandatory slave session? As if. Our frail bodies become exhausted, and our motivation trickles down to “ill make some food instead of ordering today” while we sit down in front of the TV that we can’t resist after the tedious monotone workload we had to carry all day. Those who think a society like this functions well are all brainless drones who think their well being and the well being of industry are one and the same. They follow artificial moral codes made up by those that want to keep us bickering about things of lacking worth so that we don't rebel against the effective system which we were born into. Humans worry about their looks, fame on social media, and pointless achievements that they falsely think raises them above those of lesser accomplishments. All the while they slave away at their 9 to 5 just for the privilege of not starving, and yet the place where they look for faults are others and not their false world. Nationalists divide us further by separating humans by language and colors, thinking they are superior simply because they were born to a certain region, but the same guy that was born to the nation he praises would spit on it would he be born elsewhere. In conclusion, patriots should go and freaking die.”

I waited eagerly, as my teacher's eyes darted between sentences on my essay. Expecting praise, I couldn't help but feel discouraged after witnessing her facial expressions getting grimmer and grimmer.

-do you have daydreams about being a martyr, Arima? Being privileged enough to go to school, and not having to worry about being fed got you thinking all high and mighty?

-the existence of privilege in itself is a rot on society, and I would gladly become a martyr if it meant I could stand up against those that believe they deserve to be above others.

She sighed as if to signal that talking to me was exhausting. Her eyes wandered off for a moment, searching for inspiration outside the tinted window of her office. With a swift, practiced move she pulled out a lighter and lit her last cigarette.

-you’re too young to be having an existential crisis; and on that note, do you really believe that whatever you could come up with would be better than our current situation? Shouldn’t a high school student think about his career instead?

-a smoker shouldn’t be giving life advice, sensei.

Her leather boot missed my shin by inches, and made a hole in the sofa I was “forced” to sit on.

Perhaps I should tone it down a little, or else I can kiss goodbye to my future sports career.

Akiyama sensei looked at me like I wasn’t worth her new hole in the sofa, but her visage took on the form of a parental figure looking upon their child with a pitied look.

-Youngsters have it in their nature to rebel, that is a fact we must accept. However, you should understand that the words of mature individuals are born of experience and wisdom and therefore they are worthy of consideration. I am still quite young myself, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t teach you about the things that I was forced to figure out on my own.

I smirked at her last comment, or I would have if she didn't look like she was expecting me to do it and then pounce on me like a rabid animal.

-While I have no doubt that what you wrote here is something you truly feel, I must ask you to rewrite it simply because I don’t believe that your essay is a fitting representation of a dutiful high school student.

-I will make sure to rewrite it to your liking, however, I cannot guarantee that it will be free of my personality which you seem to despise so much, simply because every essay is a reflection of one’s character.

Satisfied with my answer, I turned around to leave her office, eager to finally go home after an exhausting day. Instead of a standard farewell greeting, Akiyama sensei uttered the words no man wants to hear after getting ready to leave the office in which they were reprimanded.

-Were not done yet, I feel like letting you off the hook that easily would not achieve anything at all. Deviants in rehabilitation don’t just get to do their past mistakes over, they are shown what they did wrong and are taught to act in a manner acceptable by society.

Do I look like a deviant to you? I most likely knew the answer to her question, so I didn’t bother asking.

-Arima, your hopeless outlook on life and other people are certainly the result of lacking communication between you and actual human beings, am I wrong?

My outlook is anything but hopeless, and I communicate with people sometimes… mostly on the internet.

-Then, if you would be forced into a situation where you have to work with people, your gray, sunless outlook would surely brighten up.

With each passing word, I got more and more scared of the next one, and the notion of having to talk to people as a form of rehabilitation seemed ever so terrifying.

-Regardless of what you think, as your homeroom teacher and school guidance counselor, I cannot leave one of my students to form into an outcast of society.

Being a lowly high school student with no authority over my sensei, I was forced to follow her to the other side of the school where clubs and club activities were being held after work hours.

I bet my dignity that she wants me to join some normie club, where ill have the notions of friendship and forced togetherness shoved down my throat on a daily basis, leaving me a soulless husk of a person, posting pictures of food on whatever social media is currently popular.

-Here we are Arima, your new home away from home.

We stopped in front of a standard sliding door, its only unique features being a pair of stickers glued to where the name of the room should have been.

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I couldn’t help but notice how much “home” in this sense resembled the words “rehabilitation center”.

Was I some sort of degenerate who had to be molded to be even remotely considered human? No way that was true, I use the internet, I know what true degenerates are like.

After standing outside a closed-door like a typical Jehova's witness(I need to stop watching so many American movies.), Akiyama sensei reached out with her arm and slid the door open.

Expecting to be hit with a wave of cold which is native to musty old classrooms, I was instead greeted by a warm ray of sun which made me feel like a main character from the light novels I liked reading. To my disdain, I saw a girl sharing my warm ray usually reserved for main characters, but she didn't seem to notice me. Instead, she was immersed in thought, as if the air in front of her was a book whose words floated like dandelion seeds. She wasn't your typical clueless girl who couldn't pay attention to things around her like in manga, and after snapping back to reality she shot a cheerful glance towards Akiyama sensei.

-Barging in on a girl while she’s in deep thought sensei, what’s next? Will I lose my privacy in the shower too?

She asked half-seriously.

-Deep thought or not, you seem to be in quite a good mood, Yuriko. I hope the person I'm about to introduce you to won't ruin it too much.

"too much"? Do I really leave such a terrible impression?

-Well, I don’t know what sort of weirdo you brought me, but I don’t recognize him, so he can’t be that bad.

Is this some new form of mental torture? Do they even care that I’m in the same room as them?

As if they could read my mind, both looked in my direction, and the mysterious girl spoke to me.

-So what's your deal, Mr. weirdo? There are no showers here, so why did you come to peek at me?

I wanted to tell her off, but Akiyama sensei spoke up instead of me

-This little scoundrel here is  Arima Arata, and he’s rotten to the core. Since I promised some sort of punishment for your latest “incident” I want you to turn him into a respectable member of society.

-Do corpses count as a respectable member of society?

Okay, this girl is mental

After not receiving the kind of reaction she wanted, she wiped her half-smirk from her face and took on a more serious tone.

-After all, they don't do crime, they don't pollute our surroundings and best of all, they don't ask for impossible favors. You are a shut-in, aren't you? Doesn't that basically make you a corpse? You sure do look like a dead man walking.

Having my person crushed, again and again, I was basically at a loss for words at this girl's obvious lack of filter. Was I really the one in need of rehab here?

Akiyama sensei just glared like she was used to this already, and once Yuriko was done smashing what remained of my self-esteem, our guidance counselor cleared her throat.

-Getting used to new people is a hard process, especially when it comes to enigmas like you two. While you are both rotten to a certain degree, I believe that stepping out of your comfort zones will help you both in your personal growth. I know what you're both thinking and yes, there is certain merit to this other than personal-growth. As it stands, both of you are outcasts of society lacking in crucial departments. Therefore I want to create a competition to entice you kids to do as you are told; a real competition if you will. Whoever can make the most friends during this show off will receive a prize from me personally.

-What kind of prize?

I asked.

-The sort you cannot reject

She said.

With that said, she turned towards the door before giving us a warm smile and a lively farewell. For some reason, I didn’t feel any less relieved.

The queen of filter lacking individuals looked at me and wanted to say something, but instead of uttering something, she made fun of me simply by laughing under her nose.

-I refuse to deal with your sort, so I'll be on my way

I proclaimed.

-So you would let evil win that easily? What happened to your martyr liked attitude and burning fervor for justice?

At that moment, she said the only words that could have made me stop in my tracks, well unless she was going to announce me as the next winner of the mega lottery.

-How did you get your hands on my essay, and what made you think I want to be a martyr?

-Akiyama sensei usually leaves whatever work is currently bothering her on this desk, and since I’m in detention so often, I can’t help but sneak a peek ever so often.

The sly devil grimaced at me as a predator looks upon its prey

-You look like a shut-in and you are one too. That means you have no friends and goals in life. You’re a certified grade A loser. But even losers can have merits, isn’t that so?

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t disprove her words, and that’s what made me the most uncomfortable. If social situations were a location like a library, this girl probably used a megaphone to speak.

-You talk a lot for someone who is a self-proclaimed detention enthusiast, and given the way you speak to others, I doubt people would want to be friends with you either.

When I was little I used to say everything that's on my mind as well, but in time I realized that my words hurt either others or were the reason I got hurt by others. Of course, being myself I didn't stop saying the things I had in my heart, I simply stopped talking to other people. That way no one got hurt and I still got to claim to be some rightful hero who never spoke a lie.

-High caliber personalities do not need friends, they would simply drag me down to their level, and I don’t want that. Therefore, I have no friends voluntarily.

-Whatever excuse you want to use, I probably used it in the past already. This means that I am much more mature than you and you should show me some respect.

She showed her respect by rolling her eyes and flashing me a middle finger.

-Given the situation we are in, and my absolute lack of empathy towards someone such as you…

I wanted to keep speaking but her having the nerve to put in headphones into one ear during conversation baffled me. Was I really that exhausting?

-You don’t care about winning?

I tried to pique her interest.

-I do, and that's why I refuse to share my tactics with the competition. Surely you wanted to work out ways loners like us could take to make friends. In truth, I don't care about any so-called "prize" we were offered. I simply refuse to lose to a no-life such as yourself.

I hate this girl. Her utter lack of compassion towards others and complete disregard towards anyone but herself made my blood boil. There was no way I wanted to lose to someone like this.

-Poor thing, how would you even make friends? At least I have good looks going for me. But who will want to talk to you?

-Did you keep me here just to throw more insults at me?

-But I didn’t make you stay. It was your inflated sense of honor and your false beliefs of being better than those around you that made you stay. I never said “please stay in this room with me” specifically, did I?

The way she worded it pissed me off, but yet again I had to accept that what she was saying was correct. I stayed because I didn’t want to feel lesser to vermin like her.

-Forging a mutual alliance between us could be a worthwhile cause I think. I mean, if the people saw what kind of a wild beast you are they would flock to be my friends instead.

-That’s not a mutual alliance, that’s you being a parasite, you wench.

Unphased by my insult, Yuriko shot me a soulless glance

-So, do you think it’s a waste of time?

-I mean, if we became friends then both of us would have their score raised by 1, I believe.

What was I even saying? No way I wanted to be this girl's friend. She looked at me with amused eyes.

-Both sides get a point for the same thing? That’s like having a score at 0 – 0. How did you even get into this school? Make no mistake, I have no intention of being your friend, but I believe that everyone can be exploited for something useful, and if we both exploit each other than that’s basic symbiosis right?

Nothing this girl said today was wrong yet it all felt very wrong. Did sensei really want to torture me for an essay this much?

Suddenly, a faint knocking could be heard at the door, and a slim figure appeared in the doorframe.

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