If you are thinking that this story has something of entertainment to offer, you’re sorely mistaken.

If you are interested in tales with overpowered protagonists and mindless women piling up on him like flies to a turd, then you would be better off somewhere else.

I’m sure there won’t be a happy ending, and there wouldn’t be anything exciting in the middle. Not with me as the main character.

If this is currently on your screen, you should turn it off and switch to porn. Horse porn. No, none of that sick stuff, I mean two horses having romantic intercourse with each other. I’m sure you’ll find it much easier to masturbate with.

Unzip your pants, gently lay your private part down with utmost care, and while it’s unaware, beat it like it owes you money. Rip it off. Stuff it all the way up your colon until it sees the light at the end of your throat. Pull it out of your mouth, rinse and repeat.

Congratulations, your job is now less boring, your children will stay as far away from you as possible and your boss will not say a word to you now that they have witnessed your extraordinary feat of f*cking yourself.

I narrated in my head while looking at the wooden ball, falling slowly.

It had been two months since I came to this simulated universe. My eyeballs had adjusted sufficiently, and I had been able to make out things within my surrounding.

Next to me was a young female wearing a huge, inconvenient brown dress and a white apron, speaking an unidentified language in an annoying high-pitched voice.

She caught the wooden ball. Time resumed.

I was testing an unexpected ability I recently discovered. When I wished my life could be over faster, things in vision sped up like a fast-forwarded video. It seemed that I could control my perception of time at will.

I could slow everything around me, including myself, to almost a standstill. I could speed up an entire day to a second.

At first, I thought I could use this ability to skip directly to the end of my meaningless existence, but it was wishful thinking. When I skipped time, my body would be frozen and the woman who was sitting beside me would come and slap me out of it.

Since my brain was being fast-forwarded, the feeling of ten slaps would combine into one and the sheer shock of that on my fragile body would force me to cancel my time-skipping.

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And yes, you did not hear that wrong, that woman thought the best thing to do to an unresponsive infant is to slap it, repeatedly. How this airhead blond became a maid was beyond me.

Testing done. I turned my head away from the unpalatable woman. I had lost interest in my amazing ability. I supposed it had something to do with the fact that my thoughts weren’t actually generated by the brain in my head.

The server maintenance dude said, since the brain of an infant was incapable of processing the thoughts of an adult, he just simulated my brain virtually off his flash drive. The baby’s brain was literally decoration.

Whelp, I guess I’m a flash drive now.

I wished I could do something more productive as a computer program, like drawing a jungle of d*cks on that guy’s desktop.

Then I felt a hand on the top of my head.

“Crack.”

Holy f*ck woman, did you just turn my head 180 degrees?

Who taught you how to handle infants? How many newborns have you killed?

‘When a child loses interest in your trick, break its neck.’ Is that a chapter in your unholy scripture of baby murdering?

I sweat profusely. If that was any other baby but me, she would be smiling to a corpse by now.

She looked around the room like a guilty thief inside an unfortunate house, then turned back to me and raised her hand.

“…”

That language again, with a weird rhythm. Something unbelievable happened.

A small fire appeared in midair, swaying unstably.

Is this magic?

I knew beforehand that there would be magic in this universe, but having seen the unnatural phenomenon for the first time still baffled my scientific mind.

Where do you get the energy to summon a fire?

How do you generate high temperature from nothingness? Whatever happened to the second law of thermodynamics?

How does…

Ah… Why do laws matter? Why does anything matter?

The laws of the universe were all fabricated anyway. They might have similarities to the real universe, but after all, they were just codes in the machine.

A famous billionaire said it was almost certain that we were living in a simulation. As a scientist, I was interested in the hypothesis, but could not take it to heart, since we could never know if it was true.

I dedicated my last life to studying the truth of the universe, the fabric of reality.

I sacrificed my marriage to that pointless mission, and for all my hard work, I figured out a bunch of computer codes.

Nothing I did ever mattered. Not in that universe, not in this universe. Not even in the real universe, since it was going to end anyway. There was no chance these stupid simulations could ever solve the Big Bang dilemma.

All this self-loathing and suicidal thoughts are boring the hell out of you, aren’t they?

I’m bored too. I’ve already told you. Turn it off. Walk away.

Noticing the melancholy look in my eyes, the woman stopped her magic, put a finger on her lips, thinking about something.

Not good. Not good!

I pretended to be energetic and waved my hands around. Too late. The woman had already picked me up from the crib.

What innovative manner of infant torture have you just conceived? Release me at once!

I tried to reason with the devil woman, but only “bah…bah…” came out of my mouth.

No, that doesn’t mean I’m excited about your latest inhuman experiment! Stop grinning!

My vision came close to the ground, and suddenly shifted to a bird's-eye view of the room.

This goddamn maid just threw me! A 2-month-old baby!

Please, server maintenance god, I was wrong! Give me wings! I want to fly out of here!