Voting results

A: Hello and welcome to ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die’, the talk show for dead people, by dead people! I’m your host Alexa Despacito, and no, I still haven’t heard back from the deed poll office. Here with me tonight is Beck Miller! How are you feeling, Beck?

B: Huh? What’s going on here?

A: Well Beck, I’m afraid you’re dead.

B: I know that, you dumbass. What I want to know is why I’m on a talk show.

A: It’s called an exit interview. We like to catch people on the way out, if you follow my drift.

B: Fuck you, fuck your name, and fuck everything you stand for. Let me die, already. The audience is bored enough of my shtick.

A: Dying? Oh, that reminds me! How do you feel about being the second to die?

B: No comment. Suck my incorporeal dick.

A: Sounds like you’re pretty upset.

B: I have a question.

A: I’m the one asking the questions here. Okay, seeing as everybody is quite clear on how you feel about the situation, let’s get on to the reader mail. Do you want to hear why the readers voted for you?

B: Not until you answer my question.

A: If you want to ask a question, then why don’t you just go ahead and ask it? We’ve got a limited timeslot here.

B: Good. Do you want to hear my question?

A: Alright. I suppose we can fit it in.

B: Are you sure you want to hear my question?

A: Shit or get off the pot, Beck.

B: I just want to know if you’re ready to hear my question.

A: I’m ready. Go ahead.

B: Okay. So, why are you such a—

A: Now it’s time for the reader mail! Boy, did people get worked up writing essays about you. In fact, our 25 respondents wrote nearly 1,000 words between them! Isn’t that impressive, Beck?

B: Don’t these people have day jobs? They must lead such sad little lives, if all they do for fun is wank themselves silly over killing some guy they barely know. Alright. I wanna know everything they said about me.

A: Wow, that’s awfully co-operative! Why the sudden change of heart?

B: I can’t cuss them out if I don’t know what they said. See, they’re going to be getting some very personalised insults.

A: Alright. Response 5 said ‘you were off on your own the whole time and didn't really develop much more personality than just being an asshole who swears a lot, not very interesting’.

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

B: Good going, response 5, you absolute dumbass. Both times I had the wordcount, I had so little personal space I was practically tripping over the fuckers I was stuck with! And once they’d had their fun, they just fucked off somewhere and left me with no time to shine. I was there making things interesting; they just didn’t want any part in it. In conclusion: go back to school and learn how to read, dickwad!

A: He doesn’t mean that, response 5. He’s just venting his frustration. After all, I didn’t go to school and here I am reading and writing like a champ.

B: You’re a presenter. You’re not expected to be intelligent.

A: Thanks for the reassurance, I was starting to feel the pressure. Response 7 said ‘you're mostly kind of a dick. No particular redeeming qualities. Other people become more interesting by their association with you, the ways they interact with your dickitude’.

B: Nice work, 7! Did you paste that in from your autobiography? Furthermore, what kind of moron thinks ‘wow, this guy is slightly different from the others and creates interesting interactions, let’s remove him and homogenise the story because all I want to see is hand-holding and, eventually, unrestrained fucking?’ Wait, I know. This kind of moron!

A: Erotica is actually one of the most popular genres out there at the moment.

B: Well, yeah. I bet Haralda reads it, the spinster. Don’t worry, 7, now that I’m out of the way, nobody can stand in the way of the 10,000 word orgies!

A: Response 20 simply wrote ‘antagonists are overrated’.

B: A lazy message gets a lazy response. 20, your mom is overrated.

A: Don’t worry, audience, this joke isn’t in bad taste. If 20’s mother was dead, I’d know about it.

B: And I’d have fucked her.

A: Easy there, Beck. Think about the implications of what you just said.

B: Oh yeah, I’m thinking about it, alright.

A: ...

A: Anyway, Response 21 wrote ‘Man, come on, if you think that being interesting just boils down to shooting people and being an asshole, then I’m sorry to tell you that you are mistaken.’

B: How many more of these are there?

A: Just the one after this.

B: I’m getting tired of wading through such bullshit. Should have packed my waders. Because I’m seriously tired. Of these dipshits.

A: Why’s that? Have they made you lose your nerve?

B: No, but come on. Look at all the films coming out in the cinema nowadays. Doesn’t matter whether it’s a superhero flick, some banal action shit, hell, they’ve even turned sci-fi into banal action shit now. Let me tell you the plot of those films: one or multiple people shoot other people while being assholes and saying asshole things. Shit like, ‘dodge this!’, or ‘Remember me?’. People can’t get enough of that! You think they’re not assholes just because you see them get a cat out of a tree in the opening sequence? I’m the only one conforming to genre expectations here.

A: I wouldn’t know. I get turned away from cinemas on account of having no ID.

B: You’re not missing out. Next?

A: Finally (and mercifully), response 23 wrote “You’re a one-dimensional character with extremely simple motivations. If you’re going to be a villain, at least be an interesting villain.”

B: Give me a break. I had big plans, motherfucker. It’s pretty hard to act on your plans when people keep walking off while you’re speaking. But why should I waste time trying to convince some dickwad who never sets a foot outside?

A: Uh… do you keep up with current events, much, Beck?

B: People who have time to read the news have time to do something productive. If you read the news every day, you’re getting your mind poisoned.

A: Okay, we’ll just let that irony hang over your head, then. Who would you like to ultimately see win the challenge?

B: Me.

A: I… don’t think that’s possible. Could you choose someone else?

B: I don’t know. Haralda. She’s a bitch, but like, a good one. A good old bitch. I can see her taking on my legacy of stopping people from doing boring shit.

A: Right. I can reveal that Haralda was actually second in line to be killed, with 16% of the vote share to your 28%. It doesn’t seem like she’s a fan favourite.

B: What do you want me to fucking say? I hope she pulls through? I don’t really care, Alexa Despacito.

A: The character the audience currently finds the most interesting is… Faust, with a 0% vote share.

B: The one that always looks like he’s about to cry? Yeah, from having read these responses, I can see why the audience would relate to him. Enjoy your beta male, dipshits! Try not to jizz too hard when he spends a whole chapter writing poetry! Are they actually serious here?

A: What do I know? I’m just a foetus. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. I’ve been Alexa Despacito, this was my guest Beck Miller, and this has been ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die!’ See you in a week!