Reminiscent of my TV screen, my vision came back in flickering waves. Somehow I felt refreshed, like I hadn’t panicked for my life but instead had a massage and a fruit smoothie. Actually, I was kind of hungry, but that was more or less a constant state of my entire life, so I wrote it off as irrelevant.

A set of stats appeared in my view:

Stephanie Loffel

Level: 1

Experience: 0/10

Health: 100/100

Aether: 0/100

Armor: 0

Physical: 5

Insight: 6

Knowledge: 10

Healing: 12

Technology: 10

Constitution: 5

Elemental: 0

Psyonic: 0

Glamor: 6

A little green arrow on the bottom of my vision pointed to the right. I didn’t know what any of the stats meant, so I reached up to hit the arrow and try to scroll to something else. Nothing happened. The numbers and words were all in my vision, not real, so there was nothing to touch.

Finally, I mentally thought about clicking the arrow, and the screen scrolled as expected.

Please select a class:

* Space Marine: Elite soldiers trained for combat in space and on alien worlds.

* Tech Specialist: Experts in technology, hacking, and repairing advanced equipment.

* Psi Operative: Individuals with psychic abilities such as telekinesis or mind control.

* Scout: Skilled in navigation, survival, and discovering new planets or regions.

* Bounty Hunter: Mercenaries who track down and capture or eliminate targets for a reward.

* Smuggler: Masters of stealth and deception, often involved in illegal activities.

* Pilot: Skilled in operating and repairing vehicles, mechs, and starships.

* Cybernetic Warrior: Part-human, part-machine, with enhanced strength and combat abilities.

* Scientist: Experts in studying alien life, technology, or anomalies.

* Diplomat: Skilled in communication and diplomacy to resolve conflicts peacefully.

* Medic: Healers who can mend injuries and cure diseases, often with advanced medical technology.

* Netrunner: Specialists in infiltrating computer systems, hacking, and virtual combat.

* Rogue AI: Sentient artificial intelligence seeking freedom or power.

* Alien Diplomat: Representatives of extraterrestrial races working to establish peaceful relations with humanity.

* Temporal Agent: Time travelers or individuals with access to time-altering technology.

* Planetologist: Experts in celestial bodies and their effects.

* Mutant: Humans with genetic mutations granting unique abilities or physical traits.

* Kingpin: Masterminds of organized crime or underground networks.

* Merchant: Skilled in commerce, negotiation, and trading valuable resources.

* Xenobiologist: Experts in the study of alien life forms and ecosystems.

* Entertainer: Charismatic individuals with talents in art, music, or entertainment.

* Rebel: Fighters against oppressive regimes or corporations.

* Nanotechnician: Manipulators of nanotechnology for various purposes.

* Cultist: Devotees of a mysterious cult or religion with supernatural beliefs.

* Void-Priest: Spiritual leaders with knowledge of cosmic mysteries and divine powers.

* Space Pioneer: Pioneers of space exploration and colonization.

“What is all this?” I wondered aloud. Chase was the nerdy guy who played games, not me. He was always trying to get our group to start up a Dungeons and Dragons campaign, ‘three point five edition, only,’ whatever that meant. I figured it—god? a game? a computer? something?—was asking me what my job was. Shoveling shit at an old folks’ home wasn’t on the list, so I selected the next closest thing and focused on Medic.

The previous screen with all the stats—my stats, I figured—came back into view. Knowledge, healing, and technology all flashed and then increased by two. I could only assume that was a good thing.

After a few seconds, a new bit of text flashed in my vision.

Congratulations! You have unlocked <>

I filed that information away in the quickly filling mental vault labeled ‘shit that doesn’t make sense,’ and then another prompt hit me.

Please select a perk:

* Combat Mastery: Improved combat skills, such as increased accuracy and damage with weapons.

* Stealth Operative: Enhanced stealth and infiltration abilities, making it easier to remain unnoticed.

* Psionic Mastery: Advanced control and range for psychic abilities.

* Scavenger: Improved scavenging and resource gathering abilities.

* Marksmanship: Increased accuracy and critical hit chance with ranged weapons.

* Technological Savvy: Enhanced ability to understand and modify advanced technology.

* Evasion Specialist: Improved dodging and evasive maneuvers in combat.

* Mercenary Contract: Access to better-paying contracts and mission rewards.

* Hacker Elite: Advanced hacking skills, granting access to more secure systems.

* Piloting Ace: Increased proficiency in piloting vehicles and starships.

* Cybernetic Augmentation: Additional cybernetic enhancements, such as built-in weapons or sensors.

* Field Medic: Improved healing abilities and the capacity to revive fallen allies.

* Tactician: Enhanced strategic thinking, granting bonuses in tactical situations.

* Master Negotiator: Improved diplomacy and persuasion skills.

* Jury-Rigging: The ability to make temporary fixes or improvements to equipment in the field.

* Virtual Warrior: Advanced virtual combat skills for netrunners and hackers.

* AI Ally: A helpful AI companion with various functions and capabilities.

* Alien Diplomacy: Improved skills in interacting with and understanding extraterrestrial species.

* Sentient Android: Further development of an android's unique traits and abilities.

* Temporal Manipulation: Limited control over time, such as brief time dilation or glimpses of the future.

* Celestial Navigator: Enhanced knowledge of celestial bodies and their effects on starships.

* Mutant Evolution: Unlocks new, more powerful mutant abilities.

* Criminal Network: Access to a network of criminal contacts and illicit resources.

* Master Trader: Improved bartering and trading skills, including higher profits.

* Xenobiological Expertise: Greater understanding and manipulation of alien life forms.

* Stage Presence: Enhanced performance skills, captivating audiences and gaining followers.

* Rebellion Leader: Improved leadership abilities and followers in the fight against oppression.

* Nano-Wizard: Advanced control over nanotechnology, enabling unique applications.

* Cult Leader: Increased influence over cult members and their loyalty.

* Cosmic Revelation: Gain divine insights and limited cosmic powers.

* Space Pioneer: Improved survival and adaptation skills in new planetary environments.

“Holy shit. Just so much all at once.” The choices were overwhelming. I was starting to get a little grasp on the situation. As far as I could tell, I was playing a game. Or part of a game. Inside a game. Something like that. I wasn’t telling the system about my life, I was making selections. I tried to go back and undo my Medic choice, but there was no arrow. Oh well, being stuck as a Medic wasn’t terrible. And maybe I could change it later.

I read through all the options again, and my gut told me to lean into the Medic class and pick the Field Medic perk. After all, it looked like every class option also had an associated perk to sort of double down on that class. But damn, so many of them sounded really interesting. Temporal Manipulation looked incredible, though I didn’t actually know what ‘dilation’ meant in that sense. Was it time travel? No, that wouldn’t be close in scope to the other things like Stage Presence or Space Pioneer. It would probably be a minimal effect. Still cool though.

Stolen story; please report.

The amount of perks related to combat made me nervous. I didn’t know how to fight. If my memory was correct, my physical stat was only five and my armor was zero. If there was some kind of coliseum with battles and all that other Dungeons and Dragons stuff, I was screwed. I would instantly die.

And what did that mean? If I died, would I wake up? Try again? Or… would I just die?

A little tutorial would have been so nice.

Fuck. I passed over the cool time dilation and criminal underground perks to select Evasion Specialist. If combat was going to be in my near future and death could possibly mean death, being able to get out of the way was a top priority. And again, I told myself that maybe I could change it later.

Once more, my view shifted back to my stats, and my armor value rose by two.

Then another prompt:

Please select a flaw:

* Weakness to Technology: Difficulty operating or understanding advanced technology.

* Psychic Instability: Uncontrollable or unpredictable psychic powers that can be a danger to the character or others.

* Fragile Constitution: Weakened health or susceptibility to diseases and injuries.

* Outlawed Species: The character's species is illegal or persecuted in some areas.

* Addiction: Dependency on a substance, technology, or behavior that can lead to negative consequences.

* Cursed Artifact: Possession of a powerful but cursed alien artifact that brings misfortune.

* Exiled: Banishment from a certain location or society.

* Social Outcast: The character is shunned or distrusted by others, making social interactions difficult.

* Hunted: Pursued by a powerful enemy or organization.

* Amnesia: Partial or complete loss of memory, making the character's past a mystery.

* Slow Regeneration: Slower natural healing or recovery from injuries.

* Fearful: Easily frightened or prone to panic in stressful situations.

* Honor Code: A strict code of ethics or honor that can restrict certain actions.

* Tech Rejection: A physical or mental aversion to advanced technology.

* Obligations: Responsibilities or duties that take the character away from adventures.

* Debilitating Allergy: Severe allergic reactions to common substances or environments.

* Uncontrolled Rage: Periodic fits of uncontrollable anger or aggression.

* Ailment: A chronic illness or condition that requires regular treatment.

* Compulsive Behavior: Uncontrollable urges or compulsions that can lead to trouble.

* Limited Mobility: Physical disability or lack of mobility, affecting movement and combat abilities.

* Infamy: A notorious reputation that attracts unwanted attention and hostility.

* Dark Secret: A hidden past or secret that, if revealed, could lead to severe consequences.

* Debt: Owing a significant debt to a powerful individual or organization.

* Limited Resources: Scarcity of money or equipment, making it challenging to acquire items.

* Phobia: A paralyzing fear of a specific object, creature, or situation.

* Distrustful Nature: Difficulty trusting others, leading to isolation and strained relationships.

* Inexperienced: Lack of knowledge or skills in various areas, requiring training.

* Mental Instability: Frequent mood swings or mental health issues.

* Inexorable Fate: The character is fated to experience a tragic event or destiny.

“Well, I already have half of these, so the joke is on you,” I said with a laugh. “Debt, lack of resources, mental instability? Those are just called being a human in the state of Michigan.”

Surprisingly, some of the flaws didn’t seem nearly as bad as others. I figured if I picked something like Phobia or Exiled, the system wouldn’t let me just be afraid of mermaids or banished from the moon. The system would force me to confront it, and that flaw would probably end up playing a major part in whatever came next. There probably wouldn’t be an easy out.

A different kind of idea crept into my mind. Would it be possible to avoid combat—and therefore avoid being murdered—if I had some kind of ethical oath of pacifism? Addiction to Coors Banquet crossed my mind too, but I doubted I would find a crisp pint cold as the Rockies anywhere, so I focused on Honor Code and unlocked it.

The system read my mind, and a notification crossed my vision.

Honor Code: Pacifism.

Back on my stat sheet, my health dropped to 50/50, and my glamor—I still had no idea what that meant—increased by four. Losing fifty health for four points in a stat that made no sense was a little upsetting. For the hundredth time, I resolved to change it later if I could.

Another prompt flashed.

Please select a weapon proficiency.

* Blaster Pistol: A compact, energy-based sidearm capable of firing energy bolts or beams.

* Plasma Rifle: A high-energy weapon that fires superheated plasma projectiles.

* Laser Rifle: Uses focused beams of coherent light for precise, long-range shots.

* Railgun: A powerful electromagnetic projectile launcher that fires high-velocity rounds.

* Ion Blaster: Shoots ionized particles that disrupt electronics and energy-based defenses.

* Gauss Rifle: Fires magnetically accelerated metal projectiles, offering high accuracy and range.

* Pulse Rifle: Rapid-firing energy weapon with variable settings for different effects.

* Neural Disruptor: Non-lethal weapon that disrupts the target's nervous system temporarily.

* Sonic Emitter: Emits powerful sound waves that can disorient or incapacitate targets.

* Cryogenic Blaster: Shoots freezing gas or beams to immobilize or freeze opponents.

* Plasma Cutter: A tool adapted for combat, it can slice through objects or enemies.

* Grenade Launcher: Fires explosive or specialized grenades for area damage.

* EMP Grenade: Disrupts electronic devices and robotics within its blast radius.

* Energy Sword: A melee weapon with a blade of energy for close combat.

* Nanite Injector: Releases nanobots that can repair or destroy biological matter.

* Singularity Generator: Creates miniature black holes that suck in everything in the vicinity.

* Kinetic Hammer: A heavy, gravity-assisted hammer that can deliver devastating blows.

* Flechette Rifle: Fires a spread of razor-sharp flechettes for close-quarters combat.

* Plasma Flamethrower: Projects a stream of superheated plasma for area denial.

* Disintegration Beam: A weapon that disintegrates matter, reducing it to nothingness.

* Time Disruptor: Temporarily slows down or accelerates time within a localized area.

* Nanite Swarm Deployer: Releases a cloud of nanobots to attack and consume targets.

* Biological Poison Darts: Darts or projectiles with toxic substances for poisoning targets.

* Antimatter Launcher: Fires antimatter projectiles that annihilate upon impact.

* Magnetic Grapple: A versatile tool that can be used for combat, traversal, or utility.

* Biotic Amplifier: Enhances the user's biotic or psionic abilities for attacks.

* Tesla Staff: A staff weapon that releases electrical discharges on contact.

* Magnetic Pulse Cannon: Creates powerful magnetic pulses to disrupt or disable technology.

* Void Cannon: Fires concentrated dark matter, creating areas of high gravity.

Virtually every single option was badass. A plasma flamethrower? Fuck yeah. Chase would be insanely jealous. They all sounded like weapons from a Batman movie, his favorite franchise. Half of them could be in The Matrix. If I was going to heal people as a Medic, the nanite injector was the obvious choice. But how could I pass up a powerful rifle or grenade launcher? Or a damn singularity generator? I didn’t know shit about physics, but it all sounded extremely useful and powerful.

I focused on the gauss rifle, essentially picking the one that sounded the most badass while still being something I could at least quickly figure out, and selected it. The option turned red.

Honor Code: Pacifism does not allow that selection. Please select again.

“Oh, screw you, game. That’s the coolest one.” The honor code flaw was already messing with me. I went down to the biological poison darts and got the same message. Another error code.

I started at the top, simply trying to select whatever I could in order to move on to the next screen, but every single option turned red. Every single one.

“Honor Code: Pacifism can suck it. That flaw is terrible. Go back. Previous screen. Back to flaw. Select new flaw. Take me back. Eject. Escape. Quit. Alt F-4. Task manager.” I tried speaking every computer command I could think of, but all of it failed. I was stuck on the screen.

What felt like hours dragged by, and I was out of options. I yelled at the system, screamed, kicked my feet, threw some sloppy punches, and none of it did anything. Finally, bored out of my mind, I just made up my own weapon proficiency and said the first thing that came to my mind: “Just give me a damn spoon!”

The system liked that one.

You are now proficient with <>

I felt something smooth and wooden materialize in my hand. I looked down, and the screens in my eyes faded to show me the world—or basically just a dark room with a dark floor and dark walls, but I saw my hand. I held an old wooden spoon. A fucking spoon. It wasn’t even nice. It looked like it had lived a tough sixty years on the streets shooting heroin. It honestly reminded me of the big stir spoons at Sunnyside Manor.

“Fuck you, whoever you are. Seriously. I’d threaten to fuck you with this spoon, but I’m sure I’m just too honorable and pacifist to do such a thing. But again, and I say it with all my heart: fuck you.”