LONGTAIL: A PERFECTLY ORDINARY SPECIMEN OF HIS SPECIES WITH A PERFECTLY AVERAGE TAIL

Longtail was a perfectly ordinary specimen of his species. His species, of course, being True Owl. Named thus by themselves, because they consider themselves the only true owls, regarding every other owl species to be lesser; beneath them.

Now, is this Arrogant with a capital A? Absolutely. But when you’re the only species in your... genus? Phylum? Whatever. Point is, when you’re the only species in your group of species to be smart enough to name yourselves, you automatically earn the right to call, both yourselves and everyone else, whatever the fuck you want.

Take humans for example; baboons did not choose the name ‘baboon’. Hell, baboons may not even like the name baboon.

But what the fuck are baboons going to do about it?

Nothing, that’s what.

Now, where was I?

Right.

Longtail was a True Owl, and this involved many things, one of them being that he was a magnificent flyer, and while at thirty-one he was definitely no spring chicken, he was still in more than good enough shape to give many younglings a run for their money.

A leisurely flight for him clocked in at around 75 kph, which was around the fastest recorded speed of any lesser owl species, and a good enough speed to ensure that, within just half a dozen hours of flying, he could be nearing half a thousand kilometers from Great Oak, his home.

Currently, Longtail had been flying for some seventy-nine hours spread out over the last thirty days now, so, even though he’d never really gone anything faster than his equivalent of a fast-ish trot for a land animal, he was maybe more than six thousand kilometers away from home already.

The owl had no particular destination in mind, which was understandable considering that this was supposed to be something of a vacation for him anyway.

He’d retired recently from a long, and somewhat successful, career in the Great Oak Constabulary, and with no mate or children, or intimate relationships of any kind really, he’d decided to do something he’d always wanted to, and see the world outside of Great Oak.

He could have joined the Great Oak Exploration Guild, if he wanted, or maybe some other Adventuring Party, but that felt less like retiring and more like changing jobs.

So, here he was, seeing the world outside of Great Oak all by his lonesome, and so far, it had been, to use the parlance of the younglings these days, ‘pretty meh.’

Or at least it was until he’d woken to the chattering of an angry squirrel who was threatening a talking dragonling with a stick.

He'd been impressed by the mettle of the creature, even if he’d also mourned it for the pointlessness of its efforts.

Right up until the dragonling had proceeded to lose to the aforementioned squirrel, and while Longtail had seen some strange things in his life, that had easily taken the worm.

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A conversation had been struck between the two, mostly by the persistent efforts of the little dragonling, and with the conversation had come unsettling news; humans.

Creatures powerful enough to slay an adult dragon. An unawakened dragon, true. But a dragon all the same.

Longtail had immediately made the decision to take the information, and the informer, back home post haste, only to run into a rather sizable problem; the dragonling could not fly.

He was also lazy, spoiled, and a terrible liar.

It was a very good thing then that this wouldn’t be the first time Longtail had had the task of whipping such a youngling into shape.

—❈—

KILGHARAH: THE GREAT AND MIGHTY DRAGON BEFORE WHOM ALL SHALL BOW

‘Rise and shine, dragonling. It’s daybreak; time to hunt,’ the current bane of my existence says loudly, right in my ear.

‘Shut up,’ I whine without opening my eyes. ‘And go away. I’m trying to sleep.’

‘Ah, my apologies,’ the owl says contritely.

‘Accepted,’ I reply sleepily. ‘Now, bleep off.’

‘Of course. Immediately,’ Longtail agrees, and it takes my sleep-fogged brain several seconds to actually process that he just agreed with me.

Huh, that’s nice, I think sleepily. If I’d known all I need to do to get rid of him is to tell him to sod off, I would’ve done it long be—

‘Motherfuck!’ I scream, barely managing to grab onto the branch I’m sleeping on. The branch that the motherfucker currently standing over me just tried to kick me off of.

‘Are you crazy!?’ I scream at the owl as soon as I’ve pulled myself back onto the thickish branch. ‘I could have died.’

Jesus, what is it with flying creatures and throwing people from high places?

Looking infuriatingly unperturbed by my reaction, Longtail says: ‘First lesson of the hunt, young dragon; always be aware of your surroundings.’

And with those words, I come to the completely logical decision to be as much of a dick as is dragonly possible to him this morning.

‘You know what?’ I say, affecting a façade of calm as I watch for an opportunity to strike. ‘You’re right, I should be ashamed of myself. I mean, to think I was that unobservant of my—’ now!

I lunge at the bastard.

Now, what I’ll do when I grab him, I have no fucking clue. But honestly, with how pissed off I’m feeling right now, I’m pretty fucking certain that I’ll be sinking my teeth into something.

Longtail doesn’t dodge as I come at him. No, he just bats me aside with a wing casually, sending me clean off the branch.

‘You fuck!’ I scream as I fall, before quickly catching myself and gliding to grab onto a lower branch.

Longtail descends too, coasting smoothly down to a bough about fifteen feet away from my new location.

‘You know,’ he says as I glare at him in deep-seated rage, ‘I think I’m starting to understand how you managed to lose to a squirrel.’

‘Fuck you,’ I say, ‘it was three to one, and you know it.’

‘Oh, dear, however did you make it out alive?’ I can literally hear the sarcasm.

‘I’m gonna eat you,’ I say, meaning every word.

I have no fucking clue how I’m going to manage it, but I swear to baby Jesus I will.

My hardening resolve promptly explodes into apoplectic fury when Longtail says: ‘Now, don’t let the squirrel hear you saying that. He might beat you up again.’

With a scream of rage I leap at him, only to just barely miss him as he takes off from the branch at the last second, perching on another, higher branch, some twenty feet away now.

‘Goddammit!’ I scream, leaping after him as soon as I perch on his previous post. ‘Stay still so I can bite you.’

Longtail flies off again, landing even farther away now.

‘Hmm, you haven’t picked a name yet, right?’ he muses conversationally, even as he takes off again before I can reach him. ‘Okay then, you have thirty minutes. If you haven’t caught me by then, I’ll follow Owl custom and name you after the most memorable thing I’ve seen you do.

‘Say, which do you like more? Squirrelbait? Or just loser?’

... Okay, motherfucker, this shit just got personal.

I dive after the bastard, and he flies off again.

Now, I’m not an idiot. I see what he’s doing.

He’s doing some bullshit Karate Kid “pick up your jacket” train without training crap.

I see it. I really do.

But fuck I just can’t stop myself.

Because in the words of the immortal Michael Jackson: “This motherfucker’s butt is mine.”

No homo.