“Some nights I wake up knowing he is anxious, he is across the world in another woman’s arms.
The years have spread us like dandelion seeds,
Sanding down the edges of our jigsaw parts that used to only fit each other.” Sarah Kay Private Parts
One
Alice was waiting for flight BA063 to board and hoping her seat mate wasn’t a chatty Charlie who she would feel obligated to entertain during the 18 hour flight. It had been a long day and whilst normally she tried to be pleasant to everyone, right now she was ready to sleep. That glorious kind of wine induced plane sleep at the end of a trip that marks an ending by waking in a new country. Each journey a new beginning.
The air stewardess’ were busy checking passports and calling people to the gate by aisle number. Everyone was sleepy and irritable. Airports always seem to make people snippy. But Alice was going home. It felt like a release. Home. It had been a long but satisfying trip. Moving slowly to the gate she thought she saw- but it couldn’t have been? She was just sleepy and not really with it, right? It was so unlikely that he would be here. Besides, even if it was him the chances of being sat next to each other was so low on a plane this big. They could do what they had always done before. Alice would smile. He would find a reason not to talk to her. Alice would just go on to her seat and not worry about it. It would be fine. So she boarded the plane, stowed her hand luggage after retrieving books, water and headphones. She settled in.
Benji looked at her with horror and repulsion on his face. Why did he get this seat! Resolving to just ignore Alice, Benji turned to his meal tray and fumbled trying to find his seatbelt clasps. Obviously, because chance would have it no other way, Alice was sat on his female connector. There was no mercy. He would have to speak to her. It felt like his own special brand of torture.
Alice meanwhile had smiled when she recognised Benji. And when he had forcefully looked just beyond her left ear in panic she decided with grace to pretend they were strangers and let him in to the window seat. She was ready to sleep the whole trip. It didn’t matter that someone from her past was sat next to her. He blatantly wanted to ignore it. So she let him. They had been assigned the awkward two seat special at the back of the plane. Great.
“Umm, excuse me. Could I just” Benji stammered, gesturing to his crotch where he was holding his male connector and then to Alice.
“Oh, sorry. Let me just-“ Alice replied, mirroring his speech pattern as she rose up to free the connector. Did he just point at his?
“There you go” and she smiled as she said it because it was a ridiculous situation. Finding it quite funny and knowing it would be mean to laugh, the least she could do was smile. He was so awkward.
Forced by ingrained British sensibilities on his mother’s side, Benji responded with the obligatory “Thank you”. To anyone else on the plane they could have been perfect strangers. That was until Alice, unconsciously said “You’re welcome, Benji”.
Shit fuck. Now what. What was the process for having to sit next to your first love on an 18 hour flight. Who you hadn’t spoken to in 15 years. They had seen each other a few times at social events. But Benji had always found away to stay far away.
He had always seemed almost etherial to Alice. There was something quite other worldly about Benji. It wasn’t his almost black eyes that looked like a chasm, although they were at times both quite wonderful and terrifying. He never seemed quite contained within his body and was more spirit than person. It was as though she could feel him even when they were not touching. And in this close proximity she realised sleep would not happen. It was too overwhelming a sensation. It filled her senses. Without looking she knew exactly what he was doing. She could almost feel his thoughts, hyper aware of his person. It was something she had never been quite sure of. Sure, at the start it had been exciting and captivating. That was it. She had been consumed by him. But as time went on it was exhausting and scary. To be so in-tune with someone to know what they were feeling. To be scared of some deep darkness that resided there, untamed.
Music, she thought. And put her headphones on, familiar tunes began to play to lower her heartbeat, closing her eyes to focus on anything else.
Benji for his part was wide awake and staring very intently at the head rest in front of him. He could feel her. Could sense she was uncomfortable. Or was she uncomfortable because he was uncomfortable? This had always been the problem. They could never tell who was feeling what because they would reflect the other like a fire growing in intensity. He had thought this fire was out. That this link was broken. Well. No. He knew it wasn’t. But he had hoped it was. That the fire was more embers now and could be pushed aside. Lavender . He would focus on his wife Lavender. But it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t this. Lavender was just, well nice. The sort of simple person who didn’t think complexly. Didn’t challenge. But unquestioningly loved him. Even though he often wondered if she could love him if she didn’t really understand him. Perhaps she just loved her idea of him.
Gradually passengers on the London bound plane fell asleep. And whilst Alice pretended Benji knew she wasn’t. Just as she knew he was staring now at her. An hour or so had passed. They had been served what constitutes dinner on a plane. Alice had kept her earphones in. Rude, Benji had thought. Also doesn’t it make it uncomfortable to eat with headphones in? The question had been asked silently, and Alice had confirmed with a sideways glance that yes it was annoying. But better than talking to him. If he wanted to ignore her she was quite happy to play along. ‘Just get through it’ she thought. The lights had been dimmed to signal to the passengers they should probably sleep now. It would be an easy flight for the staff.
Whatever was between them, resentment, longing, anger, it was growing with the silence. It was un-ignorable. Frustrated with this Alice whipped her eyes open and met his directly. Why was he staring. It wasn’t part of the agreed upon script to stare at her. He was meant to ignore her. And yet she stared deep into those dark bewitching eyes. Fixing his gaze as she had been so scared to do by the end. Holding him there in silence. There was a moment they were both quietly stunned. It was like an electric connector had been re joined and all this power suddenly flowed through them once more. They both felt it, understood it and did their best to ignore it. It had always been electric. Even holding hands. It had felt as if current ran between them and together they made a complete circuit. Connected and whole.
“Yes?” She said simply.
Not replying straight away a smile spread over Benjis lips. As though he has been willing her to look at him. Challenging her to raise to meet him.
“Hi” he said quietly.
“Hello”.
Silence.
“What can I do for you Benji?” Straight to the point. Usually Alice enjoyed a good sparing but there were no rules here and she was unsure how to proceed.
“I’m just happy to see you,”. He sounded genuine. He looked happy. Almost relived to see her. She had almost forgotten the sound of his voice over the years. Her name rolled off his tounge. He had said it pointedly. “Alice”.
“Are you?”
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be”
“Well you have seemed quite content to ignore me until this point.“
“Not content. It just seemed easier. Maybe now it’s time we spoke. Don’t you think?”
“That sounds like a horribly painful idea. I just want to sleep through this plane journey”
“We might never get another chance”
“You wouldn’t even look at me at Gabe’s wedding. And now you want to talk?”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t sit here for 18 hours and ignore you. It’s impossible. And you know that”
“16 hours. So your saying just because you feel uncomfortable we should speak? I’m sure there are empty seats available. The air stewardess could move you, if you wanted. If you asked”
“I don’t want to move seats. ”
“Okay”
“Okay”
Alice almost trembled. Her skin seemed suddenly awake and on fire. But she was angry and unable to contain it.
“Are you counting the minutes?” He had said it as joke but Alice was tired and unable to play along.
“You wouldn’t say hello at the wedding. I smiled and waved. You just looked right by me. It was so rude. Hadn’t enough time passed? I wanted to introduce you to my husband. I wanted you to be happy for me in the same way I am for you. I am still so invested in your joy. I will always want the best for you. And in that moment it was such a huge rejection. Your happiness is something I still, from a distance, still hope for. But if it’s not something that you can accept then that’s okay too.” All this blurted out. Alice couldn’t stop it. But there were so many things she wanted to say. Had never had the chance to say.
It sat between them. It had been said and couldn’t be unsaid. He had expect her to say she hated him. Almost hoped that she did. Because it would be easier that way.
Benji took a beat. Breathed in. Why not do this. What could be wrong with exploring it. It was over after all. Had been for years. So he answered honestly.
“How could I look at you? You looked so beautiful and happy. It made me sad that it was not something I could have given you. We were not exactly friends. I still felt so ashamed at how I treated you. We never spoke about the break up. It hurt me too, Alice. I never got a chance for absolution. I just assumed you hated me in the same way I hated myself for scaring you. It just took me back to those feeling of guilt and ... and regret.”
“I understand. And it’s okay. I remember when I got on the bus out of that town knowing it was over. Even though we were technically still together. I knew we would never be together in the same way. So I didn’t look back. Because if I did I wouldn’t have been able to go. So let’s not talk about it now. These things are dead and gone. It would be too painful. For us both”
“When will we ever get this chance again, Alice? This is a gift. Let’s find that sense of absolution and finality that we didn’t have. And that we both deserve”.
Alice looked at him. Almost through him. She paused. Wondering if this was a smart idea. Alice always tried to be smart. Use her head and not her heart. Why open up the scars, picking away the healed wounds. She was happy now. And yet he looked at her pleadingly. It almost broke her. She had never really offered a reason as to the breakup. Although she was sure he KNEW why they had broken up. They were not right together. They were destructive. Yet they had still been in love when she left. They had loved. And still she left. He could have come after her. He could have fought. But he didn’t. And she could have called. But she didn’t. Both stubborn. Both the same.
“I don’t know how to do this” she admitted simply. Looking at Benji and silently asking him to take the lead.
He cracked a smile and with a half laugh said “No, I don't think anyone does. But I’d like to try.”
Taking her small nod as permission he grew in confidence.
“Should we set ground rules?”
“I guess, be open. Listen. What do you want to get out of it?” Alice questioned
“I’m not sure what to get out of it. Other than I’d like to explore it with you and to be given the chance to apologise. It was such an influential experience. I’d like to understand what went wrong and why, why you didn’t say goodbye”.
Alice took a large breath in and checked the surrounding seats to see if they were alone. They felt alone. There could have been nobody else in the world but them in this moment. Luckily all the other passengers seemed to be happily in la la land.
So she begun with the thing she couldn’t understand.
“You have your wife who likes to talk about repotting sweet peas and dressing up the kids as reindeers. Does this challenge you, is it enough? I’m disappointed in you. In how your dreams have been sacrificed. It’s not who I thought you would be”.
“And I suppose your husband challenges you. Or does he just agree to everything you say”
“No, he doesn't ‘just agree‘. I want to be challenged. The idea that I know everything in this wold is obsered. Of course I will be wrong in nearly everything. So let me learn. Arn’t you curious anymore? Does it make you wonder?”
“Wonder and discovery are childish. How can you look and not see all the destruction in the world. What is wrong with wanting to stick to safe topics and live a calm and stable life.” Even as he said he knew and she knew he didn’t believe it. But perhaps if he could convince himself.
“Safe, yes. Fulfilled- I wonder. Is it enough for you. Perhaps you have changed in these long years and are happy to settle. But I think not. Why else do you go alone on these trips to try to save the world. You have more you want to give. To atone for some perceived darkness.”
Had she said too much?
Benji looked at her with anger now. How dare she question this. Of course he was happy. Wasn’t it obvious. He had ticked all the boxes. House. Wife. Family. That is the maths equation to life and equalled happiness. Didn’t it? And here SHE sat looking right through him again. He hated it. Hated it and needed it. Maybe he was bored. But he was so dedicated to that life of boredom he didn’t know how to turn off the path.
“And you?” He challenged. “You are satisfied are you?”
“I’m not sure if I will ever be entirely satisfied. There is so much to do and see and experience. I’m so angry at the fact that I will never see everything there is to see and know everything there is to know. We do not have time to experience all there is. How can you be bored! Boring people are bored. The world is wonderous”
Benji knew the comment about boredom was a dig at his wife. But it was true. She did get bored. It felt like a sharp sting.
There was a pause and she continued.
“Just as I am not sure that Boredom exists. Only boring people.”
“Simple is the world I would use. Taking joy in simple pleasures. A nice log fire. A glass of wine. A walk in the woods” he felt the need to defend this life.
“Are all great things, Benji. But they are not a whole life. You have so much potential. And this is how you spent it. I saw the world in you. And I have to say I am disappointed.”
“We can only hope to make small change”
“No. You are scared. You could have been anything. You could have done anything. Redefined the book. You could have been great”
“Perhaps I didn’t want to be great. It’s too much. You thought too highly of me. I just wanted to be normal and happy Alice.”
“There is no such thing as normal, just the online poster happy perception of normal and happy. But those photos you see on social media are curated. You don’t see behind the curtain. If that is truly what you want then I am happy for you. And I can go to sleep.”
She got up to go to the loo. More so to take five minutes are this was so intense. Her blood was somehow hotter. In the tiny room she saw her cheeks were flushed. Though not as much as his had been, she thought. Pressing cold water against her skin felt like a blessed relief.
This man! This man drove her insane. Of course she left. They disagreed and went beyond challenging each other to straight out disagreement. If he wanted it simple great. Perfect. He certainly had a simple fucking life.
Back in his seat Benji was in crisis. His whole world was spinning. The calm waters of the life he had built suddenly seemed turbulent and he felt full of regret. Was this what he wanted? Or was it simply an easy choice he had accepted. What had he done?
When she returned it was his turn to attack.
“And your husband? I guess he is perfect is he? I never thought you would get married. You hate gender roles and expectations. You never wanted kids. How did that happen?”
Luckily Alice had been expecting this and had cooled down. She could feel the venom in his accusation. How dare she marry. Or rather marry anyone but him.
“You are right. I never wanted to get married. I never wanted to be a wife to some great man. Never had dreams of a big white wedding. I didn't marry barbie off to Ken as a kid. I wanted to be great in my own right. But the problem is when you meet the best person you have ever known it changes. I’m not ‘a wife’ but a partner. Equal. There is no need to obey”
This stung. He had always assumed, well maybe not that he was the best person. But her favourite. He always still hoped to be her favourite. But she hadn’t said she loved him. Just as he had only admitted that his wife loved him.
“So we got married. Because I couldn’t not be married to him. “
‘I bet he doesn’t satisfy you‘, he thought but didn’t say. But Alice could tell the thought was running through his head. He wanted to grab her and kiss her. Just to show her what she was missing. To remind her of the fire between them. As if she didn’t remember. Couldn’t feel the memory of it even now as if it was really happening. There was tension in the air now. Not quite jealousy but a feeling that someone else had something that was theirs. Fuck. This was a stupid idea. They both looked at the rings on their left hands. Both wearing them yes. But not each other’s.
Benji was starting to regret beginning this conversation, he didn’t want to think about her with anyone else. Alice knew this because she didn’t like to think of him with anyone else either. So she redirected back to the point.
“Look, we shouldn’t be taking swipes out of each other’s partners or lives. That’s not nice or healthy. You wanted to talk about us”
Us. There hadn’t been a them for years. And Benji liked the sound of it. But it was past tense. Past them.
“Yes. I did.”
Benji now seeming meaner perhaps because of the realisation at the loss.
“Like how you just fucking left at the end of the academic year. Secretly transferred to another school and just stopped talking to me. From everything to silence”
“Yes. I left. That was super shitty of me. I’m sorry. But Benji when you had your rages and you hit the wall beside my head I couldn’t do it. You had so much healing to do. You were so broken” She had always wondered what would have happened if she had stayed. But it hurt to much to imagine having to watch him with someone else for 2 more years.
“We were both broken! That’s why we worked. Together we were whole. That’s what a partnership is Alice. Do you think you were perfect?”
“No. But I also don’t believe one person can heal another. You have to do it yourself. I’m not perfect Benji. But I needed to heal too.” She had also always hoped in leaving they could find their way back to each other. That it was for the best.
“We could have done it together. We could have grown together.” He was adamant now. They could have worked through it. He had always felt it. If she had come back that September having cooled off. They could have made it work.
“No. I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough to carry us both. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving you. I was so young. We were so young. And I had lost myself by the end. I wasn’t outgoing or exciting. I was meek and timid. And you didn’t find that attractive. It was a problem. Although you don’t seem to have a problem with it now.” She added the snip at the end.
“Alice.” She knew the comment wasn’t nice.
“Sorry. It’s just baffling.”
“We were young. But that doesn’t mean it had to end in failure. And It’s not that I didn’t find you attractive. Look at you. That would be impossible. But I knew I was hurting you. And it felt so bad to see you go from this amazing person to, well someone scared of me. Which you were. “
“Understandably.”
“Perhaps.”
“You would have these episodes where you didn’t know yourself.”
“I was not well Alice. We knew each other though. We loved each other”
“I wasn’t well by the end either, Benji. And you knew why I had to leave. Why else didn’t you call when I left. And it’s not like you morned.”
“I did. In my own way”
“By sleeping with half of campus? You don’t think people told me. Bragged about it to me. How they had bedded you after I had left. Telling me the details.”
“We had broken up”
“I couldn’t sleep with anyone for a full year. And even then it felt like a betrayal. I still loved you. It felt wrong”
“As did every one of my... dalliances.”
“I’m sure you were bothered about that whilst getting your dick sucked.”
“I was trying not to feel it, Alice. Trying to drown it out. I thought I might drown with it. I introduced you to my family. My grandparents loved you. They saw how happy you made me.”
“And your mother. Your mother hated me. Thought me beneath you. Like some fucking 19th century novel.”
“She just wanted the best for me”
“And then I am not the best?”
“I didn’t say that”
“It was implied, Benji. And still you didn’t call”
“Look. I always believed we would get back together. Isn’t that what we promised. That we would find our way back to one another.” So he had hoped for it too. Fuck. Alice never knew. Fuck!
“Well when you marry your rebound and immediately have a horde of kids you pretty much shut that door forever. I can do the maths Benji. Didn’t you learn anything? Didn’t you stop and think. Because I hoped for us.”
“It’s not impossible now.” They had married quickly. But that’s what you do when you get someone pregnant.
“It’s been impossible for a long time. It’s so strange as well because she told me she thought you were weird, mocked me for loving you. How dare she. What were you doing?” Alice was not done.
“Why did she keep emailing me to let me know your progress “oh we slept together, we moved I together. I’m pregnant. We are getting married. I just wanted you to know, check your are okay with it” of course I wasn’t okay with it. Would she have called it off if I said I wasn’t okay? She was being a fucking bitch. Bragging that she got you and not me. I’ll never forgive her. She is the worst type of woman. Pretending to support me when actually she knew every email would be like a twist of the knife. What was that about?” Alice too had felt like she was drowning.
“I didn’t know she did that. I hoped you would see it and contact me. Yell, scream. At least then I would know you felt something. Anything. At least I would hear your voice.”
She had certainly felt it. At one point she had believed she might die of a broken heart. Now of course it seemed pathetic.
It only really then hit him. It was over. There had always been a hope or a dream that they would find their way back to each other. Alice had known when he got married it was over. That destiny was no longer an option. Alice had tried to tell him. To warm him. He had told himself she was jealous and was happy about it. Even then she was trying to protect him. Fuck! More determined he continued.
“But it was destiny Alice. We were supposed to be together. It felt so right. We are supposed to be together”
“So we were supposed to be together. We were. It was beautiful. And that has dictated the course of the rest of our lives. Everything stems from there. But perhaps there are multiple possible destinies. This path we are on now is also our destiny. Through the choices we made and the paths we have walked down”
“No. There is a plan. It was meant to happen. It’s meant to be”
“It’s gone. It’s over. Has been for years.”
“I don’t get how you can say that. How can you be happy with that being the answer”
“Because I just want you to be happy. Even if it’s without me. “
He reached into his shirt which was just slightly, frustratingly open and pulled out the cross that lived there. Only there was something else now.
Alice’s breath hitched slightly. It couldn’t be.
“What if I am not happy Alice. I’ve worn your ring everyday since you gave it to me. Every day. I just never knew how to let go. A promise we made. More true than any vow. It must mean something that we met here today.”
Alice didn’t answer so he continued.
“I was ill. And I have regretted every moment of every day scaring you. When I. When I punched the wall by your head I wasn’t in my right mind. It scared me too. But I’ve got help Alice. I’m well again. And I have begged the world for forgiveness. In my prayers. You are always top of the list. That you are safe and well. And that you could one day forgive.”
Alice was trying not to cry. Her voice hitched in her throat. The emotion between them was palpable. She was undone.
“It- it wasn’t just what you did, Benji. It was what you said. You said that most women are killed by their partners. And then asked me if I was scared of you. And I was. In that moment I knew I had to leave. How could I stay and respect myself?”
“I was ill Alice! I know it doesn’t excuse it. I’ve never done anything like it since. I got help. I’m so sorry. I go on these missionary missions for penance. Do you think I like hiking through jungles and being bitten by mossies? But I knew then you would leave . On that day it was over.”
“You wanted me to leave.”
“I wanted you to see the potential in me. “
“The bad potential.”
“Yes.”
“I saw it. I understood it. The side of your father you wanted so much to shed like a snake skin. If only you could scratch it away.”
“Yes. Exactly. And now I have shed it. But I know you feel this too. Sometimes it feels like I can feel you. No matter how far away you are. Just in moments of extreme joy or sadness. One day I collapsed and felt like I was drawn to you. Gabe told me later that you had been in a car accident that day. You were unconscious. What if you called to me. My soul. And we were drawn together across counties, boarders and boundaries. Isn’t that a sign that this is the correct destiny?” He was pushing her to answer. It felt so overwhelming. He was everywhere without touching her.
“Sometimes I think I can feel you too. It seems to crazy. That day I’m not sure I would have stayed on this earth without something to cling to. But it happens less and less. I started to wonder if it would happen again.”
“So you agree we are linked”
“Perhaps. Or deluded. Maybe I have just read too many romance novels”
“How could you ever love someone how we loved, Alice”
“Do you think you love everyone the same? It will always be different. We were like a fire. Unsustainable. Then Gabe, he was wind- over in a flash. George was water, tumultuous and crushing. Now Sam is like Earth. It feels like I can finally put down roots”
“But it doesn’t burn does it” and he leaned in closer. Daring her to meet him.
She could almost hear his heartbeat quicken. His blood speeding up. Soon it would need somewhere to go.
“What are you proposing Benji, that we fuck in the plane toilets.”
He gave a cocky smile. He was trying to prove she was still his. He was ready to be hers again. As if he had ever really stopped.
“You are not thinking straight. Think about your wife. Your many, many kids. Do you not think they would have something to say about this. and then what. We have at it in the loo. Get arrested and go back to ignoring each other It’s not all about the physical”
She said this. But she knew if they gave in now neither one would be able to go back at their old lives. It would seem like a shadow. A lie.
They stared at each other. Both trying to control their breathing. Heads full.
Changing the subject slightly she reminisced,
“I remember the first day we were officially together. I woke up and there was a message on msn messenger from you saying ‘good morning, angel’. I had misread it at first and thought you said ‘good morning angle’. I was so happy. You made me want to be better”
“I was so happy. That you were mine. I couldn’t believe it”
“It was pretty crazy”
“They were some hazy crazy days” they both smiled at the memory. It had been so good at the beginning. Fuck, it had been perfect.
“Do you remember when I first told you that I loved you?” Benji asked
Alice smiled
“Of course, the whole night you kept on looking at me really intensely and muttering something inaudible under your breath. Eventually you said it again only louder. I was so freaking scared. I didn’t quite hear but you could have sworn you said "I love you". So I rather innocently asked you to repeat yourself.” She blushed thinking of it.
“Looking at you I could see it reflected in your eyes. It filled me with bravery, I couldn’t hold it in any longer, couldn’t not say it and so I said it louder.
I. Love. You.
It had been what five days, a week? You said it back to me even though you were scared. Even though it was crazy. We stayed up all night crying and talking. It was real then, Alice. Where did we go wrong?” It wasn’t really directed at her but she tried to answer.
“Well you thought I was too young. And you thought you would hurt me. So you set out to prove it. Which is funny you know because experience isn’t a linear thing. You can live 1000 years and not really know anything. I knew enough of life by that point.”
“I just wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to be burdened with me.”
“And yet you did”
“And yet I couldn’t not be with you. I was fighting myself”
“You put me on a pedestal. How could we be together when you didn’t value my opinion”
“Yours was the only opinion I valued. I didn’t want you to look back and hate me”
“Well congratulations. I don’t hate you”. Alice was exasperated. He did and didn’t want to be with her. Always push pull. Always forever and never.
“I’m sorry, Alice. I’m just really fucking sorry.”
“Me too Benji. I’m so sorry too. I’m sorry you didn’t believe me when I said it didn’t matter. When I chose you.”
He didn’t know what to say. He had messed up. He had been young and tried to save her when she hadn’t needed saving. And now here he was suddenly sinking.
She looked at him. Maybe she had messed up to. Maybe she shouldn’t have left. Exhausted. Exasperated. Empty. She didn’t want to fight him anymore. She just wanted to be with him. Even if it was just in this moment. They could pretend.
“You know they have our film on here” she gestured to the monitor situated in the headrest.
“Our film?” He could tell she was running on fumes. Could feel she just wanted to know comfort. He wanted to feel that lost feeling again where there are words like ‘us’ and ‘ours’ as opposed to ‘yours’ and ‘mine’.
“City of Angels, remember. Maybe we could watch it. I’ve got a splitter.”
“It‘s such a terrible film.”
“Maybe”
“It is ours though” he remembered it and almost grimaced at the cheesy nature of it. They had started so well.
They were both numb. What could be wrong with living in a memory. Just got a few hours.
“Do you remember when I said you would leave me, Alice. And I asked how you felt about it. You didnt deny it. You just said you were happy it had happened at all. That one kiss would have made it worth it.”
“You thought I was being silly”
“I knew you believed it to be true”
“Do you believe me now?”
He didn’t answer. He didn’t want one kiss. He wanted a life. But he could tell she was sleepy and it all seemed so far away now. So he adjusted in his seat so they could share the screen. Presently she fell asleep. Unconsciously she snuggled into him.
Even in the uncomfortable metal flying tube they fit together. It was perfect. He didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to ingrain this moment into his the very narrow of his bones.
They both felt peaceful and content. Shifting slightly. They fell asleep.
Later the pilot came on over the tannoy
“Thank you for flying BA, we are just beginning our decent into London Heathrow. The local time is 08:10 and the weather is a cool 12 degrees. We hope you have enjoyed your flight. The seatbelt sign is now on. Thank you for returning to your seats as we prepare for our initial approach.”
“I guess we ran out of time” Alice offered softly. Gently twisting and stretching out of his embrace.
“I’m not satisfied. We are not done” he felt the loss immediately.
“Well the plan is landing. And we have to return to our lives”. Strangely sleeping together, in the most innocent way, the rift between them felt like it was healing. Damnit it felt right. Like something they had both missed without knowing.
“How am I supposed to just go back to my life now?”
She didn’t have an answer for him. Instead she took his hand. It felt like a home she had been searching for. A life missed.
“For now the best I can offer is that I will always love you Benji. And want the best for you. Want you to be happy. I hope you find it. But I forgave you a long time ago. I’d suggest you try forgiving yourself.”
“I love you too Alice. So, what, we just go on knowing we love each other and not being together?”
“Isn’t it kind of wonderful to be loved by anyone. It’s such a gift. You can go into the world knowing you are loved. It’s like an armour”
“Being loved is not the same as loving. It isn’t really even living.” He said it more to himself than to her.
They looked down at their hands. It looked right. It felt right.
He was staring at her again. This time begging for the conversation not to be over. He didn’t want to just go back to normal. He felt more alive than he had done in years. Alice heard what he was asking. Smiled at him.
“You know” she started and paused.
Benji wasn’t often given to hope. But he hoped now.
“We don’t really know each other as adults. We only know who we were back then.”
“True.”
“Well. Would you like to know who I am now?”
“More than anything Alice”
“So then I propose we strike up a friendship, with nothing more ordinary than an email correspondence. We can email as and when we can. No pressure.”
He wasn’t really one to write. But fuck it. It meant not entirely letting go. Not losing her again.
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes. Let’s email. Or correspond or whatever stupid term you want to use. I want to have mail, from you”
“Okay”. She smiled the most genuine smile of that entire day and his mirrored hers. They did the fumbled exchange of giving details and checking that they were right. Because it was vital.
As the wheels hit the ground they both felt like there was suddenly too much gravity. They were being pulled apart.
When they stood up in the aisle people bumped and pushed them together. It was unbearable. But neither made an effort to move away.
They held hands all the way through the terminal. Just before the main gate they stopped. They held onto each other as though their lives depended on it. Perhaps they did. Every part of them touching was full of sparks. They stood still for a long time. Until they felt “dings” started going off in his pocket. His family were outside. Waiting. They pulled apart trembling. Looking at each other they smiled sadly. Wordlessly Benji let go picked up his bag and walked away. It was the hardest thing he ever did. And he didn’t look back. Couldn’t look back. Or his feet wouldn’t be able to keep moving forwards. Or was it backwards. He felt upside down and in slow motion.
Alice let him go and waited for a few minutes. After catching her breath she went through the heavy doors. She could feel his disorientation and it caused a wave of nausea.
She heard Lavender squealing. She caught her eye. And then heard her questioning Benji if he had seen her on the flight.
Crossing over to the bus stop for long stay it started raining. Everything was the same. Everything was different. Fuck!