Despite what everyone else thought, Jina knew the truth. She wasn’t crazy, she wasn’t having hallucinations and she wasn’t in denial. No, she knew the truth as well as Ray knew the truth. Ray, who had died and left her all alone. The two of them had been dating for three years when he passed, but they’d been friends since before Jina could even walk. They were close in a way that you would expect childhood friends turned lovers to be. They told eachother everything, shared everything with one another. They knew each other inside and out, and they thrived together. There was no Jina without Ray, and vice versa. They were a package deal. That was why Damian was so surprised when Ray turned up on his doorstep one night begging him to let him stay there for the night and to not tell Jina. Ray had discovered he was sick- the kind of sick that couldn’t be helped, couldn’t be cured. He was dying- slowly at first, but the process sped up more and more with every day that passed. For the first time since Ray was a toddler, he lied to his girlfriend. He told Jina that everything was fine, he would feel better soon and it was probably just a weird cold or some kind of stomach virus going around. 

  Jina didn’t feel right, something about Ray’s reassurances felt stiff and just wrong, but Ray didn’t lie- not to her, anyway. Only he did- Ray did lie which Jina quickly discovered when she’d rushed to the hospital after Damian called him in a frantic mess of, “Ji, it’s Ray. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, what do I do?” Jina had to all but force Damian to hang up and call an ambulance and faster than lightning, Jina descended on the hospital with the deepest worry she’d felt in a long time. Everyone has a person, someone that was just made for them. Someone that just fits into their life in every way, shape and form. Ray was Jina’s person. He’d always been Jina’s person, both of them knew it. Jina never imagined losing her person would hurt to the exact degree that it did. 

  Seeing Ray lying nearly lifeless in the stark white hospital room with the incessantly beeping machine hooked up to him sent the most odd, harsh shudder through Jina’s body. There was no feeling in the whole world that she could’ve compared to the feeling she got when she squeezed Ray’s hand and Ray wasn’t even lively enough to squeeze back. One thing that Jina had always found endearing was that Ray’s brain never stopped working, ever. Even in the deep recesses of sleep, he could answer any question you asked him as if he was wide awake- so Ray’s silence was unsettling. Before, when Ray was sleeping, Jina would squeeze his cold hands into her own warm ones and whisper soft i love you’s that Ray would always, always respond to. He’d squeeze back and whisper his own confessions to Jina. He didn’t do that in the hospital though. He didn’t respond at all on the first two nights he was there. Nevertheless, Jina stayed by his side, only leaving to use the restroom and run right back. When Ray finally woke up, she cried. She cried and cried as much as her frail body allowed, until her tears dried up even though the sobs continued coming. Ray cried too, and poured his emotions out for Jina. “I’m sorry, Ji, I’m so sorry,” he repeated over and over like a mantra. Jina wanted him to stop, she wanted everything to stop. She was caught up by then, having spoken with the doctor in charge of Ray and with Ray’s mother. All she wanted was for time to stop, to reverse, or something. Anything but stay there in that moment, anything but move forward.

  A world without Ray wasn’t a world that Jina could live in, she’d told herself. When Ray stopped crying, he kissed Jina with so much passion and strength that Jina nearly forgot the world around them, nearly forgot the last two days.. Nearly but not quite. Jina had pulled back, ready to start on some long tangent about how the world was so cruel, how this couldn’t be happening, but Ray pressed a shaky, pale finger to his girlfriend’s lips. “Jina,” he whispered. His voice was so low that Jina thought she might’ve imagined it. The younger widened her eyes in question, patiently waiting for whatever it was Ray had to say. “I love you more than anything, Ji. I love you more than every star in the galaxy,” Ray sounded so emotional, so sincere and it brought even more tears to Jina’s eyes despite her having thought she’d cried so much that she couldn’t anymore. She blinked the tears away harshly and responded, “I love you more than all the stars in the universe, Ray.” That was their saying. When they were kids, Jina had been extremely into astronomy, space, the works. She’d completely devoted her life to the stars, to outer space and everyone who knew her knew that she was the space kid. Some people called her an alien, but she didn’t mind- thought it was kind of fitting in more ways than one. One night, she and Ray had laid out on the damp and dewy grass and just looked up at all the stars. Ray had wanted to be cheesy, to tease Jina, so he smiled and said, “Jina, I love you more than all the stars in the galaxy.”  

  Jina laughed in shock, turned her head to look at Ray and there was an undeniable softness in those young eyes, strong and completely unfaltering. Jina was confident in her response, “I love you more than all the stars in the universe.” Because their galaxy alone didn’t hold all the stars in existence. In the hospital, as those words fell from her lips, Jina herself fell apart. Ray passed away a few days later, with his hands clutched into Jina’s, the remnants of an ‘i love you’ still hanging on his lifeless tongue. That day, part of Jina died as well. The next few days passed by in a blur of condolences, tears and a depthless empty feeling in the pit of Jina’s chest. When the funeral came, Jina wasn’t sure she could deliver a eulogy, wasn’t sure she could even breathe, if she was honest. It didn’t feel real, but still, when the time came, she stood up. She walked to the podium and she spoke.

  “Ray Addams,” she dipped her tongue out to wet her chapped lips, “is a stubborn man. He’s so stubborn that he never asks for help, never takes from anyone. He always gives and gives and gives without ever wanting anything in return. He works until his body physically can’t move another inch, he pushes himself to do his best in every single task he takes on. Ray is,” Jina’s voice cracked and she knew she was doing it wrong, she was saying it wrong. “Ray was so stubborn. So stubborn, but so beautiful. He had the kindest, most gorgeous heart. He cared for every living thing, be it spiders or trees or people. Ray wanted the world to be a better place, and honestly I never doubted that he could make it a better place. Ray had power, so much power in such a tiny body. Maybe that’s why he’s gone. Someone with so much beauty and power shouldn’t exist, should they?” Jina suddenly forgot everything she was going to say as she finally chanced a look over to the closed casket. 

  “I love him so much. I love him more than all the stars in the universe and that will never change. Not today, not next week, not next year. If you see me when I’m a hundred years old, you can ask me who I love and my answer will be the same. I love Ray forever.” She would’ve kept going had she not caught sight of Ray’s mom, looking so torn up and fragile. She said her thank you’s and farewells and immediately took up space next to Ms. Addams. She hugged Jina tightly, thanked her for her words and her presence. Neither of them said it aloud, but they knew. They knew their lives would never be the same. 

  The day after the funeral, Jina didn’t move out of her bed at all. She laid there staring at the ceiling where plastic glow in the dark stars were still glued, where Ray and Jina had secretly inscribed their names onto the ceiling with magic markers as kids. She and Ray had moved out of their parents homes when they graduated, had gotten homes of their own, but Jina couldn’t be there. She couldn’t sleep in the bed that she and Ray had shared. Being back at her childhood home was nearly just as bad. There were reminders of the man everywhere. He still had clothes in the dresser that he had never bothered to get when they’d left, he had even left his old record player and the drum set that he’d bought behind his mom’s back. Ray had begged Jina to hide the things there in his room for him so his mom wouldn’t find out and Jina could never truly say no to Ray. Jina briefly wondered if Ms. Addams ever did find out about that.

  Her chest felt so tight and her eyes were heavy, not with sleepiness but sadness. She couldn’t have fallen asleep even if she tried. She could cry, though, so she did. Jina cried, she screamed, she sobbed. She punched her pillows and let her mom come in and rub soothing circles onto her back as she fell to pieces in her old bed. It wasn’t fair, she’d thought. None of it was fair. If one of them had to go, it should’ve been her. She said all of those things aloud, deadly seriously and her mom had pulled her upright, made Jina look into her eyes. “Jina, stop it right now,” she’d said. Her face and voice were both stern but soft, an odd combination of the two. “Ray wouldn’t want you to be gone. He wouldn’t wanna leave you, but he would rather be the one to go if the choice came between the two of you. He wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up and to sulk, he would want you to be happy. He loved you, Jina.” She was right, Jina knew she was right but it all felt so wrong. Everything felt so wrong to her. 

  Once she convinced her mother that she was okay enough to be alone, she sighed deeply and sat up in her bed. A feeling of utter shock and disbelief overwhelmed all of her senses as her eyes caught on to the thing in front of her because- well, because it was Ray. Ray, sitting on the floor by the window, letting pale rays of moonlight illuminate his milky white skin. The man was smiling, his cheeks were puffy and he looked healthy- probably the healthiest Jina had seen him in months. “Wha- Ray?” Jina called out to him, and as soon as the breathy call left her throat, Ray’s head snapped to his direction. A wide, gummy grin broke out across the man’s face and then he was on his feet, bounding across the short distance from the window to the bed. Ray fell into Jina’s arms with a familiar ease that had come with years and years of habitually doing just that. Jina was confused and scared but more than anything, she was elated to see Ray, to have him in her arms. For the first time in a long time, Ray didn’t feel cold, his body was actually just as warm as Jina’s, if not a bit warmer. 

  “Ray,” Jina repeated. She dragged his name out slowly, afraid he’d disappear if she spoke too fast or too loud. Ray just smiled and nodded like he knew what was on Jina’s mind already. “I’m really here, Ji,” he choked back a sob, “I’m really here.” Jina was surely bruising her boyfriend by the strength with which she’d been holding him, but she couldn’t bring herself to loosen her grip and Ray didn’t complain. She just stayed that way, rocking her boyfriend back and forth to an inaudible song playing in her head. When Ray finally pulled away from the embrace, Jina whined. She didn’t care how childish or needy she sounded, she just let it happen. She couldn’t afford wasting time not being wrapped around her love. Ray grinned and flicked her on the nose before leaning in and placing the gentlest kiss he could muster right over the spot he’d harmed. Jina’s eyes fluttered shut out of habit and then Ray’s lips were covering her own, moving against Jina’s with ease, with passion, with every bit of love he could convey with his mouth. The night passed that way, just the two of them kissing over and over, kissing long enough to steal every bit of oxygen from their lungs, kissing until the sun came up and Jina groaned at the light in her face. Then they slept most of the day away, and Jina was so beyond ecstatic when she woke up and Ray was still there, still curled into her side. It hadn’t been just a cruel dream. Jina’s mom peeked her head in and smiled softly, carefully at her daughter. “I made breakfast,” she announced. Jina grinned at her and cautiously pried herself out of the bed, not wanting to wake Ray up yet. Her mom was baffled to say the least. She hadn’t expected such a big, genuine smile greeting her, or the warm hug Jina had pulled her into with genuine happiness radiating off of her. She’d expected the same heartbroken woman she’d comforted the day before. “I hope you made a lot, Ray will want some too. I’ll wake him up once I make the plates,” Jina was mumbling but her words were clear as day. 

  “Ray?” Her mother asked. Jina nodded at her, slightly confused. She’d just seen the two of them in bed, so why did she seem so shocked? “Sweetheart, Ray is gone,” Jina’s face fell as she grew angry. “What are you talking about? Mom, you just saw us cuddling!” Jina’s voice was raised an octave, and her mother felt so, so sorry. Her heart twisted inside her chest at her daughter’s words. “Sweetie, you were dreaming-” Jina ran back to her room at full speed before she could finish what she was saying. She busted the door open and- breathed a sigh of relief. There he was. Right where she’d left him. Ray raised his head from the pillow, eyes still half closed with sleep. “Ji?” he croaked. Jina motioned for her mother to come look and she did, slowly and sadly. She looked into the room and saw nothing but an empty bed, and all of Jina and Ray’s left behind belongings. “Mom, he’s right there,” Jina’s voice was frantic. “Baby, maybe I should take you to a therapist.” she’d went on to start rambling but Jina tuned her mother out, instead her eyes had locked onto Ray. 

  “You’re real?” she mouthed. Ray nodded almost imperceptibly and Jina closed her eyes. Ray didn’t lie to her, Ray never lied to her. So if he said he was real, he was real. Even if Jina’s mom couldn’t see him, Jina told herself it didn’t matter because Ray was there and she’d felt the evidence, she’d kissed and caressed the man all night long, she’d cuddled with him. Ray was real, and no amount of her mother’s confused and concerned looks could convince her otherwise. Jina shut the door after giving her boyfriend a knowing look and turned to her mother with a smile. “You’re right, I’m sorry for.. Freaking you out. I don’t know what got into me,” the words tasted bitter and disgusting coming off her tongue. Her mother patted her cheek and told her that it was okay, that it would get better. Jina quietly made her plate and returned to her room, offering some of it to Ray. “Not hungry,” the latter refused. Jina shrugged and scarfed her food down- after all, she hadn’t properly eaten in a good few days. 

  Ray watched her eat in silence, a small smile tugging on his lips. “So messy,” he’d teased, reaching over and wiping syrup off of Jina’s chin with his finger. Jina offered a close-mouthed grin and gulped down her food. “I’m not that messy,” she protested, making Ray roll his eyes. They’d had that same exact conversation nearly a million times, just about every time they ate. “Why,” Jina swallowed the mouthful she’d had, “why do you think mom couldn’t see you?” She asked. Ray went deadly quiet. His eyes pierced the blanket ahead of him and Jina knew then that something was off, there was something Ray was holding back. “You saw me in the hospital,” he sighed heavily, Jina grimaced. The flood of emotions returning to her at the mention of it. “You watched...The machine stop beeping. You watched them lower my casket into the ground,” Jina caught Ray’s drift, truly she did, but she didn’t want to hear it. She waved her hands in a signal for Ray to stop. Just stop. “Don’t say it, Ray. Please don’t say it,” she pleaded, her voice wavering. Ray finally turned his sad, beautiful, eyes onto Jina and parted his mouth. “I’m gone, Jina. You watched me die, you know it’s true,” there were the words Jina had dreaded, had wanted to distance herself from. Jina shuddered, and felt as if she might vomit up the food she’d just ingested. 

  “If you’re,” she swallowed loudly, “if you’re dead, then how are you here?” Jina pushed the plate off her lap, letting it clatter to the floor as she reached over and pulled Ray closer. “If you’re dead, how can I do this?” and then her lips melted into Ray’s, a perfect fit. Ray was her person after all, their lips were made for each other. Ray’s own moved against Jina’s with just as much fervor and urgency as she felt. The need to just be- to be together, was overwhelming and intense and blinding. Jina thought she’d never get enough of the way Ray’s lips always felt incredibly soft, even when they were chapped. Or the way he hummed happily as they kissed. Jina would simply never get enough of Ray, ever. 

The two of them collapsed, Ray on top of Jina, their breathing in sync, and sad smiles on both of their faces because they knew what this was. Ray wasn’t real, even though he was right there. Jina didn’t know quite how that worked, but that was the truth. “Are you like,” she closed her eyes and hated the sting of tears against the backs of her eyelids. “Are you a ghost or something?” Jina asked. Her voice shook with the seriousness of the question. “I don’t know,” Ray answered honestly. Jina wanted to understand but she didn’t. Nothing made sense at all. She was frustrated but she’d decided. “Who cares? You’re here. We’re together. That’s all I need.” 

  They stayed that way for a while, and Jina decided not to tell anyone about Ray’s appearance since nobody else seemed to notice him except Jina. They stayed together at all times, Ray following Jina wherever he went and Jina honestly didn’t mind one bit, enjoyed Ray’s company. Sometimes, Ray actually separated from Jina and went off to write, work on some songs he’d been toying with before everything fell apart. He was writing lyrics in his song book, and refused to let Jina see. “It’s not finished yet,” he’d complained and Jina finally backed off, knowing how much of a perfectionist Ray was when it came to his music. Everyone was surprised at how well Jina was doing, how well she was handling Ray’s death. She couldn’t tell them it was because Ray was with him, feared they would really make her see a therapist and that was the last place Jina wanted to go, so she tried to keep to herself. A feat that wasn’t too hard since everyone was doing their own thing, living their own lives. Everyone was handling Ray’s absence in their own way. Jina wished she wasn’t the only one that could see Ray, hated the empty looks on her friend’s faces when she saw them. So she stopped going out at all. She thought it was better to stay there at home with Ray than go out and chance seeing her friends looking like zombies. 

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  Everything was working out, although it was a bit tiresome, it was working out. Everything was fine, Jina could handle it. Weeks turned into a month, and then all of a sudden it had been two months since Ray had died. Two whole months of Jina almost totally isolating herself at home with Ray’s ghost. That night, she cried again. Hard, body-wracking sobs echoing off the walls and Ray just held Jina through it, let her sob into his shirt. He stroked his hand through Jina’s hair and cooed warm, loving reassurances into his girlfriend’s ear. It took nearly two hours for Jina to calm down, to breathe properly. Then she kissed Ray, let that feeling take over her senses, her own way of forgetting her problems. She knew it wasn’t healthy, wasn’t what she really needed, but she wanted so much. She wanted Ray healthy and alive. She wanted kisses, love, laughter and she got all that, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same Ray, even though he looked, acted, talked just the same. It didn’t feel the same to Jina- it wasn’t real. Ray was dead. He was gone, and his ghost was there, making love to the very much alive Jina with all the emotions that living Ray had carried, but it wasn’t right. 

  The next day when Jina woke up, she was alone. She was all alone again in that house she and Ray had lived in. This time, no matter how bad she felt, the tears wouldn’t come. She’d dried up and all she could do was shake with dry sobs. She was all fucking alone again. Ray was gone, he was gone and Jina didn’t know what to do. She let herself fall to her knees, let the silence of the house wrap around her like a blanket and she hated everything, hated life, hated death, hated herself. “Should’ve been me, why did I have to stay,” she was yelling, not at anyone in particular, just yelling. “Why did I have to be alone?” There was a nagging feeling in the back of her mind telling her she wasn’t alone if she would just reach out but she pushed the image of her friends and her mother out of her head. Jina didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there, screaming and heaving on the floor of her bedroom, but when she finally stood up, her bones popped and creaked and ached in unimaginable ways. She moved to the bathroom, uncharacteristically calmly. Then she grabbed a pill bottle from the medicine cabinet with Ray’s name printed on the label and popped the lid off. Jina didn’t give herself time to think about it, or she’d have talked herself out of it. She downed all the pills in the bottle, sat down and waited. She waited for forever it seemed, and then her eyes drifted shut and she wondered if that was what Ray had felt, if it had felt like falling asleep to him when he died.

  The next time she woke up, the room was too bright. The sounds were too loud. She felt so sick to her stomach that it was unbearable. “What the fuck,” she mumbled and then vaguely registered the sound of a gasp. And then, the feeling of warm hands on her. “Jina,” a deep, rumbling voice was at her side. “Jina,” the voice spoke again, trying to bring her out of her haze. “Your mom just stepped out to go home and shower,” they tried again. Jina finally reopened her eyes and saw Damian, her dear friend Damian’s face looming above her own. A deeply worried, dimpled smile broke out onto the man’s face and tears were clearly shining in his eyes. “Ji,” he tried again, but it came out as more of a whimper. “I was so worried. I came to check on you and, and you were just-” Damian couldn’t finish, couldn’t say the words. Jina felt so terrible as her memories returned to him. She was the reason Damian looked so broken down, she had tried to leave. She’d wanted to leave so she wouldn’t be alone but seeing Damian there with his eyes barely holding back the impending flood of tears and his cautious dimpled grin, it brought a fresh realization to Jina. She was so worried about being alone that she hadn’t stopped to think of how alone Damian would feel with the loss of both her and Ray. She felt selfish, dumb, and regretful.

  “I’m sorry,” Jina wanted to say so much more, but her throat wouldn’t let the words rise up. Damian shook his head vigorously, squeezing his friend’s hands. “I understand.” Jina felt like garbage. Damian went to alert the nurses that Jina was awake and the next few hours passed by in a daze. Jina wasn’t fond of hospitals, hated the sterility, the blankness, the omen of death. She only felt at peace once she was finally out of that place. Or at least as peaceful as she could get with the wounds from Ray’s death and her own attempt still wrenching at her guts. Damian had told Jina she wouldn’t be allowed to go back home right away. He said he wasn’t leaving Jina alone, so Damian brought his friend to his own home, let Jina stay in the guest bedroom. Jina’s mother came over immediately and cried and cried as she held onto her baby. Jina apologized a million times, hating the look on her mother’s face and the crack in her voice. It seemed like all Jina could do was feel sorry and hate. So much hatred was weighing on her soul, weighing her down. She holed up in Damian’s guest bedroom for weeks, until she felt okay enough to at least go sit in the living room. 

  Progress was slow, but Damian and the rest of their friends were patient, let Jina adjust at her own pace, come to terms with everything on her own time without any pressure or rush. Jina appreciated it, truly, but all she felt was hatred and emptiness beyond that. The world she thought was so beautiful before was nothing but cruel, harsh, unforgiving. She hated it. She hated that good people didn’t get happy endings, hated that nothing ever seemed to truly work out, that everything ended so sadly, that lives ended so short. Jina just hated. Damian finally deemed her fit enough to return to her own him if she so wished, after about two and a half months had passed. Jina had craved space so much that she was out the door as soon as she could leave without worrying her friends and family too much, because even though all she could truly decipher was hatred, somewhere deep down she loved her friends deeply. 

The house smelled dusty and stale when Jina returned, having not been occupied for so long. Jina hated it. She hated all of Ray’s things lying around the house, hated the reminder that the one true love of her life, her childhood best friend, was gone forever. Not even a ghost to comfort her anymore. Jina laughed humorlessly into the empty house and spontaneously began packing everything that belonged to Ray up into boxes. 

  It took a long time, between the amount of things Ray owned and the amount of times Jina had stopped to cry and seethe and wail into the silence. It was a slow process. Jina saved Ray’s self-proclaimed music studio for the last- the main event. It was where Ray spent almost all of his free time when he wasn’t wrapped up with Jina. Music was Ray’s passion, his calling. He was always so openly in love with music that anyone could see it, could see the music notes practically floating from his head like a cartoon. Jina hated how she could remember the exact sound of Ray’s pen tapping against the wooden computer desk they’d both pitched in money to buy. She hated how she remembered Ray’s humming as he thought up a new melody and the slight, “oh!” when he caught himself messing up something on the new program he’d tried out. It haunted Jina more than a ghost ever could’ve. Everything in the studio was a painful memory, giving Jina more and more reason to hate the world. The very last thing left in the emptied studio was Ray’s song book. 

  Jina had been dreading that thing the most. It was where all of Ray’s deepest thoughts, his innermost struggles and secrets were laid out in ink. It told stories of love and identity struggle, of things Jina didn’t even know, hadn’t pushed to discover. Ray’s song book was like the key to his soul, and it was the biggest piece of Ray left in the house. She gingerly grabbed the book, caressed its worn out bindings, the engraved name on the front. Ray Addams. A shudder went through Jina’s body and she sighed, not wanting to cry anymore. The emotions were getting to her, but she refused to cry anymore. She opened the song book and flipped through, reading every single page, every song, every poem, every mindless scribble that Ray had just plopped down in a bout of dreaded writer's block, and then there it was. A letter from Ray, addressed specifically to Jina. She gulped deeply and ran her finger over where Ray had scribbled Jina’s name onto the page. Jina didn’t know if she could read it, didn’t feel like she would be able to, but she made herself do it anyway. 

To my love, Jina

I really don’t know what the hell is going on right now. I know that.. I know I’m dying, I know that much, I can feel it. I don’t feel strong, but I’m holding it together for you. Ever since we were kids, I’ve always wanted to be strong. Even when you hit that growth spurt and suddenly got so tall that you were even taller than me for a while, I still wanted to be the strong one, the one to protect you at all costs. I’ll never stop protecting you, Jina. A long time ago, you told me that I’m your person. It feels like forever ago, but it was only a few years though, right? Three years today actually. You asked me, “Ray, have you ever thought of me romantically?” I was shocked because like, yeah I thought of you romantically all the time but I thought you only saw me as a brother. You didn’t even give me a chance to answer, you just went on and said, “Because I’m positive you’re my person. The person I’m meant to spend my life with.” and who the hell am I to say no to that? Its been three years today since you confessed and I kissed you and made you mine. I think maybe I’ve always been in love with you, ever since the beginning. Being in love with you is so easy, so natural. You’re a beautiful person inside and out. You have this… Light inside of you that attracts everyone to you like moths to a flame. You’re the most genuine and loving person I’ve ever met in my entire life and gosh damn it, I’m so happy, Jina. Even though I know I’m fading fast, I’m so happy. I’m so glad to make all these memories with you, to be with you. I love kissing your face, those cute moles on your face. You’re just so beautiful and delicate but so strong and sharp at the same time, I don’t understand how such a person exists. You make me want to do my best, you make me want to push through whatever this is and survive, you make me want to live, Jina. I want to live for and with you, I want to spend every day knowing you’re mine and I’m yours. I want to wake up every day and see your cute little moles squished up against my chest and make you tea every morning since you don't drink coffee, which is still so ludicrous, but who am i to judge? I just want to love you Jina, and even though I know I can’t love you for as long as I’d like (which is forever and ever and ever) I’m going to love you until my very last breath, even when I’m dead and gone, I’ll love you. My ghost will love you. My soul will love you forever. And I’ll find you again someday, maybe another lifetime, another world, I will find you. It’ll always be you and me, Ji, because I love you. I love you more than every single drop of water in every ocean on the planet. I love you more than every bird in the world. I love you more than Leo loves dancing and more than Noel loves Overwatch. I love you, Jina, more than all the stars in the galaxy and in the universe. You are my person, and I am yours and nothing, not even death, will change that. My only wish is that you never lose your light. I hope that you never lose your genuinity, never lose your kindness. I hope you always love the world, love the space and stars. I hope you always find the beauty in everything like you always have. I hope you always keep true to yourself, because you are truly one of a kind, and without you, Jina, the world would be such a dull, lifeless place. Everyone needs you, Ji. You make the world a better place, you are...You are my world. And even when I’m gone, I hope you spin on your axis just the same. I hope you take care of yourself and I swear to god if you overwork yourself, I will come back from the dead and kill you. I’m not even joking. I know you, Jina. Just relax, and love and be loved. Happy anniversary, baby. I hope this lasts for a while. I want all the time in the world with you but if not, then I’m grateful for just this. I love you. SO much. More than all the stars in the galaxy. 

Yours always, Ray. 

  Jina was gasping for breath as she reached the end of the letter, tears falling freely from her eyes. It was so Ray, from the rambling bits to the exaggerated confessions and nagging and Jina couldn’t handle it. All the hatred she’d been carrying in her body for all that time seeped away and was replaced with Ray’s never ending love. Jina swore she could feel Ray’s arms around her, could feel his breath against her cheek, but there was nobody there. It was just Jina alone. Jina alone with Ray’s song book, Ray’s letter and Ray’s endless, bottomless pit of support, kindness and all-encompassing love. Jina realized how disappointed Ray might be if he could’ve seen Jina’s behavior for the last few months. She shook the thought away and only let herself think of the love, the hopes and dreams that Ray had spilled onto the pages of his book just for Jina. She would carry it with her wherever she went. She wouldn’t let Ray down anymore, she would love and be loved. Jina would relax. When things got too hard, she’d open Ray’s book and re-read the letter and her strength would return right back to him. 

One year later

  Damian grinned as Jina bounded through the doors of the coffee shop. “And she makes it on time!” Damian teased, pulling the woman into a warm hug. Jina laughed and waved Damian off, “I ran!” They’d grown close, closer than they’d ever been, helping each other heal over the months and picking each other up when one of them were down. Damian realized that maybe, just maybe there were some underlying feelings being harbored on his end, but he didn’t want to address it. Addressing it would’ve made it too real and he didn’t think he was ready for that, ready for rejection or even acceptance. The two of them talked easily, conversation flowing naturally. Jina had just gotten hired at a planetarium that had just opened downtown and she was beyond excited. She talked animatedly about the stars and their constellations, how cool it was gonna be to work at the planetarium, and Damian thought he could totally understand why Ray had fallen in love with Jina. Jina was easy to fall into. She was all soft words with passion hidden beneath each sentence, she was all absurd fashion choices and late night trips to panda express in sweatpants and tank tops. She was all sprinklers in the summertime and eating ice cream in the middle of winter and taking long walks with her dog and all about the stars. Always the stars. 

Jina had finally begun to find herself again, finally begun taking steps to rebuilding her world. Even if it hurt to rebuild a world that didn’t include Ray. Although Ray wasn’t there, Jina always carried him with her. She felt Ray as she looked up into the night sky, felt him among the stars. She felt Ray with her every step of the way as she put herself back out into the world, supporting her even though he was gone. His words and feelings had never left Jina’s mind or her heart. After some time, Jina realized that the ghost she’d seen, felt, and heard was never really there. She’d conjured it up as a way to cope with the loss of her true love. Despite knowing that, she was glad to have had those hallucinations. Glad that she’d gotten to see Ray in the way she knew he would’ve wanted her to remember him- healthy and happy. Jina would do anything to make him proud, so she kept pushing forward, even on days she felt Ray’s absence especially strongly. 

  “Actually, I did something,” Jina admitted sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her head. Damian quirked an eyebrow and motioned for the younger to go on. Jina shyly reached into the messenger bag hung over her shoulder and retrieved a single document. Jina had bought and named a star. It was pretty close to the North star, but had a strange blue hue to it, and Jina named the star after Ray. Damian grinned, affection bubbling up in his chest. “This is amazing,” he told Jina. The younger blushed deeply and hid her face behind her hands. “You think so?” Damian nodded and slid the document back over to Jina, whose eyes locked onto the picture of the star. Even with her face hidden, Damian could tell Jina was smiling. “Ray would love it,” Damian assured her, and that’s when he heard Jina’s beautiful, genuine laughter- a sound that he hadn’t heard in a long time. “I’m glad,” she said with a smile still tugging at her lips. There were tears in her eyes, she couldn’t help it. “I’m so glad,” Jina repeated, doing her best to hold those tears in. 

  Damian smiled and motioned for Jina to come hug him, and so she did. They hugged and Jina felt better. She knew, without a doubt, Ray would be proud. Ray would be happy that Jina was finally getting back to herself, finally being happy on her own again. Ray would love that for her. Jina couldn’t help the giggles that bubbled up, couldn’t help the giddiness as she thought about how proud Ray would be of her. Jina decided with a wide, boxy grin that she would just have to ask Ray how exactly proud he was when they met again in the next life.