Another day, no different to any other, yet so important to me. The day that would probably decide the rest of my life in one way or another. I wasn’t nervous, full of smiles and laughs as I looked after Sisi.

A day like any other until the afternoon sunlight began to fade. “Shall we go pick up papa?” I whispered to her.

Not expecting that at all, her tiredness vanished and eyes widened, on her feet in a second and tugging me to the lounge door the next, saying, “Yes!” over and over.

It wasn’t easy getting her ready to go out when she was so excited, but it wasn’t hard either. I could afford to be patient in this world. Once she was snuggled up in her warm clothes, the mornings and evenings starting to get a chilly bite to them, we set off. A peaceful walk, not too many walking this way and, those that did, some vaguely knew of Sisi, being colleagues of Mr Arl—Uncle Arl.

Of course, Sisi was still very shy, hiding behind me whenever anyone greeted her.

It wasn’t a long walk either, but a little slower with her little legs. They didn’t move as fast in the evening as they did in the morning too. That said, she kept going, not asking me to carry her. Such an independent little girl.

I hoped, as she grew up, Uncle Arl didn’t take that independence as a reason to… leave her to it. Every child wanted—needed—to be loved.

We arrived at the office to a trickle of people leaving. Sisi hugged me tight, poking her head around, watching, waiting, until finally—

“Papa!”

She waved one arm, the other still holding me tight, sticking right where she was. Of course, he heard her shout and looked over, waving once he saw me—or maybe he saw her first. Whatever the case, he strode over to us and Sisi ran to him once he was close enough.

He bent down to hug her tight, picking her up in the air as he did. I smiled watching it. The sort of thing I hadn’t seen much of in the past.

But I couldn’t watch for long, Hyraj behind him.

I said goodbye to Sisi, confusing her. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I said.

“Okay,” she said.

I reached out and rubbed her forehead until the wrinkle there smoothed out, giggles escaping her, turning around to bury herself against her dad’s neck.

Then, at Hyraj’s side, I walked back to the dormitory.

Of course, it wasn’t that simple. “I’m going to help the cook with dinner.”

“Okay,” she whispered. A touch hoarse. Not like she needed a drink, but like she was about to cry. Maybe she was. Whatever the reason, it hurt me a little to hear her like that, but I didn’t turn around, going through to the kitchen.

“Ah, you’re back! Good, good, take the pan,” the cook said, one glance at me all she needed.

I laughed, covering my mouth, that “polite” habit settled in by now. While I kept busy frying some of the spices, she fiddled around until, coming over, she took the pan from me and handed me a drink.

Fresh tea.

As if she’d been waiting for my return to cook something extravagant, I barely stood still after finishing my drink, running around to fetch things for her or manage part of the cooking. However, the end result was simple, but wonderful, one of her curry dishes as I thought of them. Not the sort of thing Neffie liked cooking.

Which, really, made a lot of sense. I was so used to people who looked like me being rare, everyone lumping us together… but even two people in the same family had different tastes.

When it was ready, I took a portion for myself and for Hyraj back to her room. As soon as I knocked, well, she must have jumped up, chair clattering to the floor. My heart ached, but I still smiled.

“I missed the cook’s meals a bit,” I said, setting the plates down.

“You did?” Hyraj asked.

Hearing her say “you” to me felt different to when the others did. “Mm, Neffie’s cooking isn’t bad, but I like this kind of taste more,” I said.

She mumbled something under her breath and I guessed what when she said, “Miss Frinnef?”

“Yes. Mr Arl takes Sisi out on the weekends, so I spent some time with Neffie. She’s a sweet girl.”

Then silence settled, the polite silence both she and Uncle Arl liked when eating. Maybe these two more similar to each other than the cook. Maybe Hyraj would prefer Neffie’s cooking.

Idle thoughts to pass the time as I ate, only that, when I finished, I noticed she had barely eaten half, pushing the food around her plate as she glanced up at me. Our eyes meeting, I smiled. “At the very least, eat well,” I whispered.

She held my gaze for a moment longer, then looked down, nodding with her one hand. Little by little, she dutifully ate the rest of the meal.

I took our plates through to wash up, praising the cook as I did, taking advantage of her eating to say the nice words I hadn’t always found the time to before. Before I left, she did manage to ask one thing.

“Will you be here tomorrow?”

I paused, turning around to give her a smile. “I don’t know.”

She gave me a confused look back, but didn’t ask again, so I went down the hall to Hyraj’s room. The door opened almost instantly after I knocked.

Silence followed me inside, heavy, the room exactly the same as when I’d left, yet it felt so different. It wasn’t our room, now. My things weren’t here. That said, with how uncomfortable Hyraj looked, sitting at the desk, it didn’t really seem like her room either. I guessed, though, that it wasn’t really home for her, not like her room back with her parents. The place she felt safest.

My thoughts drifting, I looked at her to focus up. She didn’t look like she’d barely slept. At least, not to someone who didn’t know her. If anything, she looked more normal this way, not holding herself to an impossible standard. Yet Uncle Arl had noticed. Maybe because he knew some of her, like, mannerisms, or maybe because she was a bit clumsy with her work.

It hurt. What hurt more was that I was kinda happy, knowing I did mean something to her. I wasn’t someone she could just leave behind without a second thought. It probably wouldn’t have lasted, maybe bouncing back in a few more days once she got used to it, but, for at least a little bit, I was someone she missed.

And I missed her too.

“Do your parents or friends have a short name they use for you?” I asked, “nickname” not a word that had come up in anything I’d read.

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She shook her hand, her voice coming out a little strained. “It has always been Hyraj.”

I hadn’t thought before how important nicknames were to me. The little ones, they always had such big names and the adults always used them so strictly, so I liked to use nicknames. Names that wouldn’t make them flinch when I called out to them. Names that, when they heard it, knew it was me and that I was smiling.

But it was much easier when other people had come up with the nicknames already. Not like I could have called Harriet by Harri, so I was lucky someone had said Hatty was one.

Hyraj, well, I had no idea. I didn’t know if Hyra or Raj were nice or not. Hyhy sounded too silly to me, Rara had been the name for a cartoon. But there was one I liked. I liked the sound of it, I liked saying it, albeit something I had only said in my head so far.

“How about Aj?” I asked, saying it softer than usual, almost like Ash. “Do you hate it?”

She lowered her head, almost like she was hiding from me. “I do not.”

“Aj,” I said again, smiling. “The little ones called me Loulou, and now Sisi does too. My name isn’t really much good for other short names, but I guess Lou, or is there something else you would like to call me?”

“That is it, I am unsure why we are doing this now of all times,” she whispered.

“It’s because it’s now that we’re doing it. Because I don’t know how to be a normal person,” I said, blinking away the sudden tears that appeared. After a deep breath, I continued. “I am not normal. I don’t know if I can ever be normal. I told you some things, but you can’t understand what is wrong with me. It is like… saying colours to someone who can’t see them. Your colours are bright and vivid, and mine are all grey.”

The problem with speaking from the heart was that my heart wasn’t very good with words. I chuckled, rubbing away the tears at the corners of my eyes.

“Aj, I feel something for you, something different than with the others. But I don’t know if it is… preference. I am scared. I am so, so scared. But I am being brave. Brave like you were. What you understand… what I need you to understand… I don’t know how to love. But I trust you to show me. Not… preference, but still love. Because I, I only know how to be useful. I only know that. I need to be useful so I can stay with you. That is… was how I felt. I was afraid, if not useful, you can leave me. And since you can leave me, I, I can’t… trust you. Everyone… at the orphanage, there was no forever. I knew everyone, one day, leave, so I don’t trust them.”

Going around in circles, I felt like such an idiot, all the thinking I’d done falling apart now that it mattered the most, covering my face as I felt the tears come back again.

“Aj, Aj,” I whispered, calming myself with the name I’d given her. “I can’t ask you to do this. It is my job to… not be ill. To heal. But if you will, I need you to know… I don’t need… kindness. I need patience. I need you to… teach me like I’m the little one. How to love. How to trust. I am broken, but I am not weak, okay?”

I smiled into my hands, feeling so very weak right now. But how I felt was often wrong and I needed to learn to change that.

“If that is… too much, I understand. I will go with Mr Arl and slowly learn on my own. This is… my purpose, not yours.”

I felt like crying, like laughing, like falling apart, and that was wonderful. That was my precious gift from the goddess. A chance to feel these things and many more, so long as I was willing to open myself up to them. A chance to no longer be adrift, but build ties with people, make relationships that wouldn’t disappear as soon as we couldn’t see each other.

Was I satisfied with my old life? I was and I wasn’t, doing the best I could in the terrible situation I was in. Was I satisfied now? No, and she knew that, knew I wanted so much more, greedy for love and affection, but afraid of the rejection that had been branded on me from the moment of my birth.

However, I had been reborn, now, and my mother loved me. Let old scars fade, make fresh scars with interesting stories to tell my friends. There were no therapists to help me heal, but there was kindness in this world, kind people, and I wanted the courage to find them.

These kinds of manic episodes were nothing new to me. Many times at the orphanage, I had been so sure someone would adopt me any day now, even packing up my things, only to be met with crushing silence.

But Aj wouldn’t be silent. I knew she could well hurt me in a way that was more painful than silence, but it would be the kind of pain I could heal from, no matter how deeply it stung. If she said no, if she said it was too much, then I would remember her forever, have days where I missed her so much I could cry, but I wouldn’t be the little girl sitting by the window, waiting for someone who wouldn’t come for me.

I was free to go wherever I wished, however far or near, and find the things that made me happy, find other people who made me happy.

However, I honestly didn’t know what her answer would be. I thought that, if she really loved me as much as she said she did, then she would agree. Nothing could get in the way of true love.

But this wasn’t a story. Love had a way of souring when things got tough; I knew it well, why so many kids ended up at the orphanage. Love wasn’t glue that held people together. Maybe, it was more like grease, keeping things smooth if it was bumpy. Easier to let go of little annoyances and frustrations, easier to notice the little things you appreciated.

While I thought, so did she, and she finally had something to say, her lips opening and my brain stopping.

“Is it that… Lou said she feels something for me, but it isn’t preference?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I said, smiling.

She brought up her hand, covering her mouth. “Is it that unclear?”

It was honestly something I had kind of avoided, precisely because I knew I couldn’t answer it. However, she deserved one, if only as an apology for everything I had put her through. No, as thanks for everything she had done for me. It was hard to adjust how I thought overnight—even if a goddess had visited and given me cryptic advice.

“Then… may I kiss you, Aj?” I whispered, the only way I could think of coming to the answer right now.

Silence, then she moved her hand away, turned to me with glittering eyes. “If you must.” Despite the words she used, it sounded gentle, barely saying the first word and the rest sounding more like she was asking me to than giving me permission.

However she’d said it. She had said it, so I stood up and stepped over, and she tilted back her head, eyes fluttering closed as she pursed her lips, stretching out her neck. Adorable, I thought. This was the proud young woman whose parents wanted her to become “president”?

My hand came up and stroked her cheek before cupping it, gently holding her there as I leant down. A kiss, different to our last, so different, how she refrained from moving, not even tickled by her breath, just the feeling of her lips against mine. Soft, warm lips.

I didn’t hate it, but my heart didn’t race either, the heavy thumps it gave just a bit more than normal. My legs didn’t go weak, my mind didn’t go blank. No feeling of happiness flooding through my body.

But I didn’t hate it. The things in life I liked were those that made me feel, like, at peace. Quiet nights when none of the little ones stirred, lunchtime breaks when I could sit in the library and read. I had imagined kissing other people, like classmates from school, and just the thought of it felt weird, uncomfortable, and I definitely hated imagining going further than that.

With Aj, I didn’t hate it at all. A chore, but the sort of chore I could happily do—maybe because I loved her. Maybe this was what my love, my preference, felt like.

Pulling back, I saw her face. She didn’t look like I had ever seen her before. The last time, she had been so ashamed, but, this time, she just looked childish. Looked her age. We were adults, but not really.

Adorable.

“If I told you I can’t… prefer you, would that change your answer?” I asked.

Looking to the side, her blush faded away in the long moment of silence before she answered. “I, that is it, Lou asks a lot of me and it is not that I am unwilling, but that I… do not know if I can teach her honestly.”

“I know I said a lot, but I said it very bad,” I said, smiling. “What I mean is that… I need Aj to be honest, and I need to trust her to look after herself. And I need her to trust me to look after myself. Things like… if you need me to sleep in another room, then tell me. If you want to embrace me, then ask me. We can talk about these things through.”

Sighing, I hated that I still messed up speaking so much. What a way to push two phrases together.

“Is it that?” she mumbled.

I left her to think for a moment, then touched her hand on the table, bringing her attention back to me.

“Aj, you do not make my heart race, what I feel not like what you told me or what I read in books. But you make me feel safe and happy, and I don’t hate your touch.”

She looked at me with such reluctance, watery eyes wide. “What is Lou saying?”

“Of all the people I met and know, I prefer you, Aj,” I whispered, touching her cheek again. Such soft skin.

A laugh slipped out through her lips, mouth quirked into a sweet smile, and those tears fell. “Really?” she asked, sounding like a six-year-old girl who couldn’t believe Santa had brought her presents this year.

“Really,” I said.

She reached out, only to stop herself, asking, “May I embrace you?”

I opened my arms, but she still waited for my answer. “Yes.”

In a flash, she was wrapped around me, squeezing me so tight it hurt. A good pain, though. I could enjoy it this once.

However, when she finally let go of me, I took a step back. “I should go.”

Her eyes went wider than ever before, mouth opening, but no words coming out.

I wanted to laugh, but didn’t. “All my things are at Mr Arl’s house. But also, I want to stay there until he finishes working. Oh, but, I can come for dinner, and on the weekend.”

“Why?” she whispered.

“We… are going to spend a long time together, I think, so I want to make sure we do it right,” I said, my hand drifting back to her cheek. She leaned into my touch this time. “Pleased to be back,” I whispered

There was probably so much she still wanted to say, but, right now, all she said was, “Pleased you came back.”