Today she sat again in front of me. I walk over and without asking if I could sit with her, I sat next to her. She shifts herself in her seat, as if afraid of me, she lends her body against the bus’s window, her head also in that direction.

“Aliia… why are you so scared of me?” I managed to ask her, I kept my voice calm almost indifferent despite my beating heart almost leaping from my chest.

There was a silence, she does not answer, and the bus ride grows more awkward every passing second, more than just awkwardness there was a tension that builds upon itself, until a mountain stood looming over the both of us.

I think to myself, ‘if I’m not affected by the atmosphere then she can maybe also relax’

So I lean myself against the seat, I brought my backpack up, and shift myself so I could place my backpack as a divider between us. I popped my ear buds on and as the music streams into my ears, I relax, I just hope the same was for her. Despite the uncomfortable circumstances I find myself wishing it wouldn’t end.

She stayed glued to her position never changing throughout the trip, and I could tell it was uncomfortable, finally it was over.

‘She must’ve been so uncomfortable’

The bus arrives at her stop, and she shifts to stand, I also stood so that she could leave the seat towards her home.

I watch her fading back, still I knew it wasn’t her intention to treat me as a demon.

The next day I watch her enter the bus, her figure between her older and younger brothers. One of them I know was Ethan, but the younger one I did not know his name, I know that he was most likely in the 5th grade with my brother, because they hang out around the bus jumping from seats and chatting about anime.

Today was the same, but different, as she walk towards me we kept our eyes connected like always, this time instead of the front seat in front of me, she sit in the seat directly besides mine, and her brother Ethan sit in her usual spot, which I explain was the seat directly in front of mine.

The seat in in front of mine was always the most uncomfortable, along with the seat in front of that seat, because they were the seats where the emergency window was, there were huge bumps at the left side of the seat where one would place their feet.

I knew it would be uncomfortable for her if I sat at my usual spot so today I sat in the seat directly behind my usual spot. And sure enough they made the adjustments, they sat in the spots I explained earlier. Her in the seat adjacent to mine and her brother the seat in front of mine.

I couldn’t understand she was so scared of me, but this…

Music from my ear buds spills into my ears, but I was too focused. Even if we were not sitting side by side, the close distance between us was enough that I was happy about our situation.

When we leave the bus I always let her stand up before me, I don’t know I just knew it was the right thing to do.

From there, we part. No, we have the same classes but we’ve never talked, I have my group of friends, she has her own. Her group consisted only of girls, mine all boys. Though our groups chatted on a regular basis, she and I would never talk to one another, only our eyes would occasionally meet. Of course I’ve talked to other girls, but there was always this tension when I’m around them, the same tension that appears when one is trying to conduct themselves properly before a superior.

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Don't get me wrong though I don’t speak to girls often, I am not afraid to speak to them, nor am I ever nervous when I talk to them, only with her. But her friends are always so prim around me, it was the fear of mistakes, like they’re afraid they’ll embarrass themselves.

Due to this tension that’s always around, I’ve limited my interactions with them. I would catch individual girls from their group gazing in my direction. One of my friends Zee, though he’s a friend of mine never hangs out with the guys for long, instead he hangs out with the girls in their group.

I’ve known him for so long that we’re close to one another. But I’ve never asked him about the girls and he’s never mentioned anything about the girls to me, we make jokes and hang around. All the guys I know, we would hang out.

Every guy in my group has something that sets them apart from the rest, and because of this there are pocket groups of guys within my group of guy friends.

I have friends from the “nerdy” group as well as friends from the “cool” group, and in-between. Lately I’ve been hanging around the “cool” guys. They’ve played soccer and football for our school.

I’ve wanted to join, and have been asked to join on multiple occasions, but I could never, because I’ll admit I’ve always thought it was a waste of time, and most of all I could never ask my dad for cleats.

The day starts off with everyone waiting in the foyer, for the first bell. No one talks amongst themselves not even the girls as they’ll have their heads locked on to their phone. I always stood by the trash cans near the entrance of the school, which was the hangout area for our grade.

There were benches by the entrance but the girls have monopoly over them, most of the guys sat at the cafeteria. Still a few friends of mine stood next to me and we would chat amongst ourselves, the girls did their own things on their phones, including Aliia.

My routine in school starts with me heading for the bathroom, checking the breakfast menu, then heading for my spot. If there was no one for me to chat with I would head over to the cafeteria to chat with some of my friends.

When the first bell does ring, we head for first period, by now Aliia and I would’ve sneaked peeks at each other for over an hour, occasionally meeting eyes in the middle.

But whenever I try to approach her she would run way. I’m by no means ugly if you wanted to ask me about my looks, girls in different grades have giggled before when I passed them on my way to classes, throwing glances in my direction even, which I’ve always ignored. There are things called mirrors so I know I’m not ugly.

I have a friend who likes her, he talks to the girls occasionally but they’ve always chased him away. Aliia, talks to him normally, even laughing at his jokes, and for a time she ignores me.

So when I saw that she was happy talking to him, and joking around I decided that she was much happier that way. Ever since she’s ignored me I have been one sidedly peeking in her direction (not at the level of a stalker), because I could not approach her, she would just run away.  

I was mad, sad, and even jealous at the time, but I kept myself positive and focused on my groups of friends instead of our problems. Kale the friend of mine was mad at me at the time, because it had seemed like I was trying to steal her away from him, so I stopped. She and I glancing at each other was our only connection, along with our close proximity on the bus. As soon as I stop, our connection seemed like it was severed forever, I also made sure I move away from her on the bus.

It was on the last day of a month, the month of August that I stopped. It was on September first that she cracked, I had been ignoring her for two days. The first day I ignored her was on Friday.

Keep in mind I ignored her because she seemed happier away from me, she was so scared of me, I thought that we could never be together. When I saw how she had ignored me, I thought of myself as a nuisance in her life, and she had gotten over me without me noticing. She was so indifferent around me, maybe this was also how I’d portrayed myself, perhaps. By then she had ignored me for a month, which was why I had thought of myself as a nuisance.

After the weekend we met, I ignore her when she got on the bus. Even when she sat in front of me. I looked out the window unflinching, I controlled my head for I fear I would look in her direction subconsciously. Subconsciously because I still loved her despite how I was currently ignoring her, I thought it was for the better.

On Friday when I’d ignored her, I think she was still in a bit of a shock. Today during our 3rd hour, she.

She cried. It was so abrupt. Right in the middle of class.

It was then that I looked again in her direction, finally she wasn't ignoring me and we locked eyes again, during our little ignoring phase I had notice one of her friends more than usual looking in my direction. After she cried the friend did not come for two days, and Aliia stopped hanging around Kale.

Kale still likes her.

Still she is uncomfortable around me, and would run away when I try to talk.

I will not pretend I was not hurt by her disgust for me, I was hurt. But I’ve never shown it to her.

I remember a time when she had been talking to one of my friends, Zee they were talking so I decided to join. She jumped away so fast, there was nothing discrete about it, I could only laugh to hide how I was actually feeling, and Zee had also laughed. Because it was funny, she jumped like she had just avoided a plague, I believe she even added in a dab for good measures.

Now we’re approaching the end of our high school years together. I feel like we can never be together, and it’s kind of sad, I would’ve loved her so much.

I’ve stopped trying to approach her, it's what makes her comfortable anyway…

I just hope she find someone good who doesn’t make her so uncomfortable.

(Perhaps I’ll write more stories about her on this site)