It goes without saying that I never believed in UFOs, regardless of however many SyFy specials I’ve imbibed throughout the years. I even recall a paper, maybe in the tenth grade or thereabouts, where I argued that alien abductions flow out of a fundamental human need for importance, out of a desire to feel that, however absurd it may be, each and every one of us is of sufficient interest to an intergalactic civilization to cross light years of space, all just to poke us around in our squishy parts and see what we’re made of.

 So what were my thoughts when, walking home from the bus stop on a hot summer evening, I saw the saucer shape come out seemingly out of nowhere and hover twenty feet or so above me? To be perfectly honest, if I try to reconstruct my mental process when I saw the laser beam come out of that familiar hole in the middle -- bloody hell, just how did every single TV special seem to get it right? -- I’m not sure I was thinking anything at all. If I was smarter, perhaps I would have run.

 An instant passed as the light washed over me. I felt vaguely disoriented, uncertain. I was stuck, but I couldn’t say where. Time seemed to go on interminably and I remember wishing it would stop. It made sense at the time.

 And then it was all over and I found myself beset by bright lights. A sound filled the air, flat, loud, omnipresent, sort of like I was in the middle of a stampede.  Squinting, I tried to make out where I was.

 “Our next entrant bears the name of Ellsberg Joshua Adam.”

 The booming announcer voice was loud and cut through all the ambient stampede noise, which anyway ceased shortly afterwards.

 “On his homeworld, he is level one within the discipline of physics, which is a kind of applied theosophy.”

 The lights dimmed and I could suddenly see where I was. An arena. An absurdly tall arena. I could see stands that seemed to recede into the sky. And on the stands were....surely that wasn’t real?

 “His physical prowess is several standard deviations below the other contestants we’ve seen. I’d say he has quite a challenge on his hands!”

 Elves. If you want more precision on my part, I could say I saw a collection of humanoids of above average height, harshly sloped faces, abnormal thinness, and pointed lobia. Seriously, they could have stepped off the set of a Lord of The Rings movie.

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

 “It would be quite a pity to see him perish, for our contestant remains a virgin. Were he to die before our eyes today, he would go to his doom without tasting of the fruits that make the poets sing. So best of luck to him -- and if not, may he achieve perfection in the next life!”

Well, that was embarrassing. Also, what the hell was that about the "next life?" If I was going to be achieving perfection in any life, it had better be this one!

Okay, this has gotta be proof that I’m either dreaming or suffering some kind of psychotic breakdown. I had been working pretty hard studying for finals  -- I really wish I hadn’t overloaded during the Summer quarter -- and I must have exhausted myself to the point of dementia, if such a thing is possible.

 Meanwhile, the sound of a stampede resumed, and I could now see what was causing it -- it seemed all the elves in the arena were stomping their feet in unison. The sound of whistles filled the air; someone unfurled a banner somewhere, with symbols in a strange language I did not know. It looked vaguely like Chinese, with elaborate, graceful symbols that looked like logograms.

 The sound died down again as a gate at the edge of the arena opened and something wheeled forth in my direction.

 It was a Dalek.

 Well, sort of. It looked vaguely like a Dalek, but it was two to three times my height; there were what looked like rocket launchers attached to its sides; and a bright red light came out of some kind of laser-pointy thing perched on top. It also had short, stubby appendages which on inspection were made out of saws. 

 And -- but of course -- it was repeating “Exterminate! Exterminate!” in a metallic voice as it moved in my direction.

I’m pretty sure I'm dreaming, I thought. I pinched myself, with no effect. Meanwhile the Dalek stopped and extended its rocket launchers towards me.

 I jumped to the side, and it was a good thing I did, for had I delayed by a mere second I would likely be in pieces. The blast from the explosion knocked me over and I tumbled several times -- thankfully, the floor of the arena was covered in soft grass -- before rising to my feet. Sharp pain went through my knees. I wondered if I was about to find myself awakening from this nightmare in the safety of my bedroom.

 The Dalek started turning, ever so slowly, in my direction.

 It was then that I noticed for the first time the flickering letters at the edge of my vision.

 “Assign points: yes/no?”

 Without knowing quite how I did it, I chose yes.