The next day, I was standing on the deck of our zeppelin, returning home. Akari was standing next to me. We were staring off into the night sky. A few clouds were lit up by a full moon and the stars. The endless ocean below us was almost as black as the sky.

“Aren’t you cold?” I asked her. I was freezing. Unlike an airplane, this airship had nothing to protect me from the wind. Even though I was wrapped in a thick blanket, I still felt like I might get frostbite. Akari was just wearing her normal work uniform—a brown leather shirt and pants—but she didn’t seem to react to the cold at all.

“I’m fine. You learn to bear it.”

I didn’t see how I could. The wind was blasting my face like a cold shower. Maybe that girl was literally made of ice.

Vera was sitting on the floor behind us, messing with some dice. She was also cursing a lot. I think she was trying to figure out if there was any way to win at the dice game the geisha showed us.

We had been standing in silence for hours, basically ever since the launch, when Akari finally asked, “Why did you not tell me that you didn’t understand my plan?”

I got a bit defensive. “It all worked out in the end, didn’t it? You were able to sneak in to the airship hanger and take a look around.”

“Yes, but I wanted to do so quietly, without causing trouble. You attracted at least a dozen guards with all your commotion. This will have repercussions.”

“Repercussions? Unlikely. I was perfectly smooth.” I really was. Just call me James Bond.

"You call that smooth? Walking up to the guards asking them to show you the bathroom?"

"Sure, it's a perfect excuse to go inside. Every human has to go sometimes.

"They didn't even understand you, since you said it in English. And even if you had said it in Japanese, they wouldn't let you inside a restricted-access hanger just for that."

"Well yeah, obviously I knew they wouldn't understand me in English." How dumb did Akari think I was, anyway? "That's why I acted it out for them."

"By taking your dick out."

Vera took this moment to enter the conversation. "Wait, this guy was flashing his dick at some guards? That's how you got in? Way to go, Eddie."

"NO. Geez. I just pretended like I was taking it out to pee. But then they started yelling, and more guards came, and THEY started yelling, and I never even got to explain."

"I do not think you could have explained why you are pretending to pee on them," said Akari.

"Not ON them. Geez. How come there aren't any public bathrooms here, anyway?"

"Huh?" Vera and Akari both looked confused.

"Oh. In my world, it's just normal to have public bathrooms around any large city. They have nice flushing toilets too, and sometimes the faucets will dispense soap and water when you just wave your hands, so you don't have to touch anything gross. I miss that part of my world..." I was lost in nostalgia, ignoring their confusion.

"What do you mean, your world?" asked Akari. "Do you not come from San Francisco?"

"I always thought he came from some hicktown, so I never asked," said Vera.

I wondered for a second if I should keep it a secret, but what was the point? I had already told Summer. So I launched into an explanation.

"... Long story short, I come from an alternate world with more men and more advanced technology, and also better bathrooms, but there are a lot less women and a lot more trucks running people down."

"You really expect us to believe that?" Vera spat. "What a load of bull!"

"Well... it would explain why he seems to know so little," said Akari.

"To be fair, I never learned much in school in my own world either," I said. "But yeah, I don't know anything about yours. I've only been here a few weeks, and this trip is the first time I've left SF, or really done anything except haul cables and get yelled at by strange women."

Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

"Who’re you calling strange!" Vera yelled. "I'm your boss, it's my job to yell you."

I shrugged. “Not just you, Vera. Akari, Sydney, and even the other dockies—nobody wants to explain anything to me! So I just do what I guess is right and wait for someone to yell at me when I do something wrong.”

“An interesting strategy,” said Akari. “Is that what you were thinking when you decided to walk through the guards while making obscene gestures?”

“Dangit, I can’t believe I missed this,” said Vera. “You guys really should have woken me up!”

“I didn’t do anything obscene!” I yelled. “I tried to explain that I was just going in real quick to use the bathroom. And I knew they wouldn’t understand me, so I used some hand gestures to make it clear. How come you didn’t come translate for me, Akari?”

“Frankly I was too embarrassed to be seen with you. It looked like you were trying to solicit them for an orgy. So I pretended I didn’t know you and left the area.”

“Yeah, thanks for that!”

Vera laughed. “Wow Eddie, going for an orgy with random people on the street. I can’t believe you had it in you. Way to go!” I glared at her, but didn’t bother to respond.

“Luckily, in this came, your idiocy did pay off,” said Akari. “I walked around the side streets and found another entrance to the hangar unguarded. You attracted so much attention that the guards there left their posts.”

“See! My plan worked!” I said. “Swish!”

“Yes, I was able to enter the facility and investigate their airships. Sydney will be happy with me. But what did you think was going to happen to you?”

“I figured they’d point me in the direction of a bathroom somewhere and let me go. Maybe laugh about the misunderstanding?”

“When I left the hanger, I found them preparing to arrest you on suspicion of being a spy. They probably would have tortured you and then executed you.”

“Wait, that was what was happening? I knew they were getting mad at me, but I thought they were just offended by my manners or something. They never even put me under arrest.”

“They had a full circle of armed guards around you. They didn’t need to put handcuffs on you.”

“Well, clearly they did, because I escaped. I guess the guards here are no match for a man like me!” I tried to brag, but then Vera cut me down.

“Escaped, ha! I rescued you.”

“You did? All I remember was a big boom and then some confusion…”

“That ‘big boom’ was me igniting a hydrogen tank,” said Akari. “It was quite dangerous, but it was all I could think of to divert the guards. You should thank me.”

“Yeah, I saw the fireball!” said Vera. “It was huge! Really cool! So when most of the guards ran off to deal with that, I ran in and knocked out the two guards left. Two rocks to the head, BAM, easy.”

“Why were you there, anyway?” I asked Vera. “We left a note telling you to meet us at the airship.”

“Yeah, but I had a feeling you’d be on a mission like this, since I saw Sydney talking to Akari about something secret before we left. I wanted to see it for myself.”

“I should be angry that you were spying on me and following us, but in this case I have to admit you were useful,” said Akari. “So thank you.”

“Yeah. Uh. Thanks,” I said. “I didn’t realize how much danger I was in.”

“No problem.” said Vera. “At least we made it out. It was one hell of a run to get to our dock though.”

“Yeah, I’m beat. Those small cobblestone streets aren’t fun to run on.”

“It was easy for me to run,” said Akari. “Because I knew that if we didn’t run fast we would die.”

“I loved it!” said Vera. “Made for an exciting end to the trip. Everything else here was no fun at all.”

“It was lucky for us that our airship was already fueled and ready to launch,” said Akari. “Otherwise we would not have been able to escape.”

“Luck, ha!” I said with some pride. “I took care of that while we were docking and unloading the cargo. I told one of the dockies here to fuel it while we were gone.”

“Really?” they both said in unison.

“Yeah, really. One thing I learned as a dockie is what a rush it is trying to get the ships unloaded, loaded, and refueled. The pilots are always not telling us anything, then coming in at the last minute expecting it to get done instantly, so I figured I’d make arrangements to have it done in advance as soon as there was time. I think they loaded some cargo, too.”

“That is surprisingly thoughtful,” said Akari.

“Yeah, good thinking. For once.” said Vera.

After that we didn’t really talk much. We just sat there, staring off into the night sky. I think we were all in shock from the hair-raising escape. I had been trying to play it cool, but it really was pretty terrifying to be running through the streets of this strange city in old Japan being pursued by angry guards. We had only barely gotten the airship off the ground when I saw them catch up to us. Luckily they didn’t pursue us into the air.

Despite all their insults before, I felt like they respected me a little more. We didn’t talk very much during the return trip, but when we did they didn’t make fun of me. We didn’t play poker or anything. From time to time they asked me more about the world I came from, and I tried to explain it, but I could tell they didn't really understand it. We mostly just each kept to ourselves. I had a long, quiet five days of travel to think about what had happened, and how crazy my new life was in this dangerous world.