Slowly my eyes open, taking in the world around me. What happened? Why am I on the floor? It wasn't the first time this happened, waking up on the floor naked and confused, but it was the first time it wasn't accompanied by a throbbing pain in my head.

Which means I didn't get plastered last night. That's good. For my liver at least. Standing up, I start to make my way to the couch, only to stop dead. There was Francois, sitting there in his fishbowl, with spicy cheese powder covering his face.

That's when it all came back to me. The failed date, the stripping, the shower, the horror film setup, and of course, the talking fish!

"So sleeping beauty finally wakes up. 'Bout damn time. I'm almost out of snacks," Francois mocked, before lifting up one of the spicy Cheetos over his fishbowl with telekinesis, jumping out of the water like he was a trained dolphin at a theme park, and snatching it out of the air.

This couldn't be happening. I had to have eaten a bad taco or something. That, or my date last night slipped me something, harvested my organs and now I'm having one last fever dream before I kick the bucket. That was more plausible than a talking goldfish.

Ok, ok, deep breaths Callen. Deep breaths. Everything is fine, everything is normal. Any second now you'll wake up and this will all have been a nightmare. Just close your eyes and wake up…

"You done flippin' your bitch yet?" said an almost bored voice. My eyes snapped open, anger coursing through me, "I don't need your attitude right now!"

"Ah, he speaks. You had me worried for a second," Francois responded, not affected by my anger in the least. Damn him and his hip, cool attitude.

"Ok, let's just assume I'm not crazy. How are you talking? You're a goldfish," I asked. He seemed amused by that statement. Amused and a tad bit annoyed.

"Am I?" he shot back.

"Yes, you are," I told him. Rather blandly I might add. What else could he be?

Francois sighed in irritation, before hitting the pause button on his show. It was some kind of dating show, where pretty people hook up with even prettier people, who then find out they were related, or the girl wasn't a girl at all. It was the trashiest of trash television, and Francois loved it.

"Listen, I hate to break it to you, but everything you know is a lie. The world is not as it seems…" he said. I gave him a blank look as he rambled, before offering me a choice. A blue pill or a red one.

"You're not Morpheus! Take this seriously would you!" I yelled.

"You really need to learn to chill," he said, before jumping to the edge of his bowl, "But fine, how's this exposition for you. I am an ancient and powerful dragon, cast off from another world after my soul was ripped from my body. For 5,000 years I have waited for someone to unlock the secrets of wizardry to open a portal to another world and help me restore myself to my former glory."

I stared at him for a moment, before laughing my ass off, "You, a dragon! Pfft, hahaha, yeah right. And I'm the King of England!"

He stared at me in silence, watching me go from near hysterics to little giggles. I also gave myself the hiccups, but it was totally worth it.

"Are you done yet?" he asked, annoyed. Oh, look at his little bug eyes, they're so mad. If I wasn't careful I might break into hysterics again. As it stood, I was having trouble holding in my laughter, so I gave him a nod as an answer.

"Good, then let's continue. As I was saying, I've been waiting for someone to become a Wizard so I can go home and teach those meddlesome heroes a thing or two. And after 5,000 years, my wait is over."

He gave me a look, one filled with pride. Pride in himself, for his patience in waiting 5,000 years, or pride in me, that I was the one to achieve said goal. I didn't know, and didn't care. He better not be saying what I think he's saying.

"Callen…"

Don't you say it!

"...You're a Wizard."

Goddamn it he said it! Cheeky little fucker, making fun of me even now. But hold on a minute, wasn't I saying earlier that I wanted to slay the dragon of celibacy? And then Francois starts talking, claiming to be a dragon, that means…

"It was you!"

He seemed taken aback by my shout, confusion etched onto his buggy little eyes. "What the hell are you talking abou-"

"You're the dragon of celibacy!" I interrupted, "You're the reason I can't get laid! It was you all along! And to think I was going to ask you about exorcisms, when it was you who cursed me all along! Why Francois? Why?"

My breathing was quite heavy at this point, and Francois could only stare at me. But I could see the guilt in his eyes. It looked a lot like confusion mixed with mild aggravation, but I could see through the lies.

Francois gave me a pitying look, along with an equally pitying sigh, "I didn't curse you, you damn moron. If you struck out it was your own damn fault. Frankly, I'm shocked someone could be so lacking in sex appeal. You're a real wunderkind."

I didn't believe him, I refused to believe him. I'm a millennial, we don't accept personal responsibility for anything, least of all things that were our own fault.

Which it wasn't.

I opened my mouth to yell at him some more, but he cut me off, "Before you start screaming again, think of the opportunity here."

He sounded like a sleazy salesman trying to sell me snake oil, "What opportunity might that be?"

"I come from a fantasy world, Callen. One filled with all kinds of creatures…"

"Elves…"

"Catgirls…"

"Succubi…"

His voice was almost hypnotic as he used my libido against me. Damn, he knew just where to strike. Everything he said was a Nat 20. Even now the anger was leaving my body. All that was left was to roll for damage.

"And harems are legal. Just think about it. The possibilities," he practically purred. Maximum damage! Little bastard must have been using loaded dice.

My mind, the traitorous bastard, began conjuring up images. There was a petite elven woman with silvery hair, standing in a meadow, clad in nothing but a see through silken gown. Her foot, testing the water as she turned to me and invited me in.

A rambunctious, black haired catgirl in the tightest leather outfit you could imagine, stretching her limbs out on a couch. Oh me oh my she was a flexible little kitty. She turns to me and begs me to stroke her ears so she can take her afternoon nap.

And the succubus… Well, this story isn't rated for that imagery. I'll leave that up to your imagination.

I turned to Francois, who by the smug look on his face, knew he had me beat. "I know you're playing me, but you're right. Where do we start?"

Apparently, we start in the trash, because that's where we are. Out in the back of my apartment building right next to the dumpster. Which smelled just lovely. Like a turd on a highway in the middle of summer.

I looked inside the dumpster, by the way, after smelling that. The results were shocking to say the least. An old blow up doll covered in potato salad. Yup, that was a thing. A thing I was trying to ignore, but I couldn't get the haunted eyes of the doll out of my head. Like it had seen too much…

Moving on.

"Concentrate!" yelled Francois, who was leisurely sitting on a kitchen chair in the shade. Did I mention it was hot as balls? Because it is. Swampy and humid, much like my own boys. Poor little guys.

"I am!" I yelled back.

I wasn't.

But maybe I should be. Give it the old college try, you know? The kind that doesn't end up on the news. That would be a first.

Holding my hand out, my palm facing up, I tried to find the mystical energy inside me. I searched high and low inside my inner being, found some memories better left repressed, but no great and powerful magic.

I was starting to think the whole thing was bunk. But the promise of sexy elf girls kept me going.

I scrunched my face up and tried harder. If a fish could talk then I could do magic! I just had to force it out of me.

Wait…

I could feel something! Rising from the deep, longing for release. A torrent of power, enough to drive a man to madness. Now all I had to do was pull it out!

Toot*

I stopped. That wasn't the power I was searching for. Not at all. My embarrassment wasn't aided by that fish faced asshole laughing at me either.

"Hahaha, do you just shit yourself! You should have seen your face!"

"No!" I shouted, but wiggled my cheeks just to make sure. It didn't feel wet, so I was fairly certain we were in the clear.

Francois sighed as he rolled his bowl over to me. Could he do that the whole time? Then why did I have to carry him out here!? Lazy shit!

"Listen, whatever you're doing, you're doing it wrong. Feel the energy inside you, Callen. It's there, waiting to be unleashed!"

Easy for him to say. I've never felt magic before, how was I supposed to know what it feels like? And he was no help either, saying dragon magic can't be compared to puny human magic. If that was true, then how did you get your soul ripped out of your body, huh tough guy!

Whatever, there has to be something I'm missing. Something obvious. Like… my balls! Of course! It's not pee that's stored in the balls, it's magic! It made perfect sense!

I'm not grasping at straws I swear.

With renewed purpose, I set about my task to release the power within. Pretty sure I read a self help book with that very name. I'm also pretty sure it didn't do a damn thing. If it did, I wouldn't be a wizard.

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No, stop getting distracted. Focus! This was the time. It was now or never. Find it, you know where to look. I closed my eyes and concentrated.

Unlike last time, the power coursing through me felt vastly different. Wild and untamed, demanding release. Yes, this was my magic, the power of my balls given form!

A golden aura encircled me, starting from my crotch and working its way all around my body. This is it, this is my magic. It was… surprisingly warm and soothing. Like a thick blanket and cocoa on a cold winter's night.

Sure didn't expect my magic to feel like that. Kinda thought it would feel more like a prison riot, with inmates beating the shit out of each other. I'm glad it was the former.

"Not bad, not bad. You did it! Color me impressed. I thought for sure you were going to shit yourself again," Francois complimented with his back hand.

"I haven't shit myself at all!" I yelled back. My anger must have affected my magic, because warm and soothing turned into hot and burning real quick. The golden aura also looked suspiciously like…

Fire…

Fire!

"I'm on fire!"

"I'll get the fire extinguisher," sighed Francois, slowly rolling away.

"Hurry!"

After that little debacle, which left me smoking hot and not in a good way, it was time for the next step in my wizardly journey. I needed a magic staff. So Francois and I hopped into my car. It was a beat up old thing, but it still ran like a half dead mongoose.

Our first stop was a small arts and crafts store called Mimi's. I have no idea who that is, nor do I care. My only goal in coming here is to find a staff.

The inside was cool, the air conditioner on full blast. I headed to the section with sticks, or to be more precise, dowel rods. I looked at them, having no idea what I was actually looking for. So naturally, I asked the fish.

"It just needs to have some magic imbued into the wood. Grab one and try to feel it," he told me. Gee, what great advice, just feel it. Sounds like something a pervy guy would say in a shady bathroom.

But with no other options, I did just that. Placing Francois on a shelf, I grabbed hold of a dowel, one that was stained a rich, reddish brown, I did my best to do as the fish said. I tried to feel the magic in the wood.

However, with no real idea what I was looking for, I couldn't tell if I was doing it right. It just felt like a stick! Was it supposed to make my hands tingle or something? Should I feel a spark, like a jolt of electricity travel down my spine?

"Well?" asked Francois. It seemed like an innocuous question, but I could hear the snark behind it, and it was not appreciated.

I ignored him and scrunched up my face in concentration, showing the world the face I make when I'm constipated and nothing I do will bring relief. After a minute or two of trying, I was left with zero results. Sighing, I placed the wood back where it belongs, "Nothing. It just felt like a plain old stick to me."

"Well, keep trying. On the plus side, your concentration face is hilarious. Look," Francois said, holding up my phone, showing me the image of my constipated looking face. That was embarrassing enough, but there was one major problem here.

"When did you take my phone?" I asked in a deadpan tone. Francois just shrugged, before going back to inspecting the image, chuckling as he did so. Stupid asshole, taking my things and then using these things to mock me.

Gah, whatever! Deciding not to pay any attention to my degrading companion, I continued trying out sticks, hoping to find something, anything that felt like magic.

After about thirty minutes and a dozen useless pieces of wood later, I was ready to throw in the towel. I thought I felt something on the fourth stick, but it just turned out to be a splinter.

"It's no use. None of these feel like they have any magic," I said, turning to look at Francois, only to find he wasn't paying any attention to me whatsoever. His entire focus was on one thing.

"Will you get off my phone!"

He was worse than a teenage girl with that thing, I swear. But my shout at least had the good fortune of startling him out of whatever trance the phone had him in. Unfortunately, it came at the expense of him flinging it into the air. I watched as it sailed in a high arc before bouncing off the ground.

I turned and gave him a look that said, 'seriously?'

"Don't blame me! You're the one who shouted all of a sudden!"

I rolled my eyes at his pathetic excuse. If he was paying at all attention to what was going on around him, it never would have happened in the first place. I walked over to my phone and went to pick it up, only to hear Francois shout, "Stop!"

But I didn't, and I wish I did. Looking at the image on my phone, I was greeted to the sight of, what I could only call, fish porn, with a pair of blue tangs going at it. It was like I was watching Dory from Finding Nemo getting violated.

I gave Francois my most disappointed look, "I thought you said you were a dragon," I said. He huffed at me, before turning around, "I am a dragon you dumbass. It's just… This form has certain needs. Certain desires."

"Ok! That's enough of that, I don't want to hear any more. Just try to have some self control will you?"

"I don't want to hear it from the virgin," Francois responded.

"What was that!?" I growled back. I walked up to him and picked up his bowl, putting my face right up against the glass. "You wanna say that again?"

"V-I-R-G-I-N!" he spelled out, "You happy now!?"

"Why you…"

"Excuse me, sir?" said a voice to my left. I turned to see who was talking, only to be greeted by a store employee, named Thad.

"Yeah? What do you want?" I asked a tad aggressively. It wasn't my fault, I was angry at the stupid fish.

"I'm going to have to ask you and your… fish to leave. You're disturbing the other customers," he said.

Looking around, I could see several of the store's patrons staring at me. And of course they had their phones out, recording everything. My face went red, suddenly more thankful than ever I was going to another world. I did not want to see my face plastered all over social media as the guy who yells at fish.

They probably thought I was on drugs. Honestly, I can't blame them. If I saw a guy bring a fish in a bowl to my store, and then pick a fight with it, arguing like it could talk back?

Yeah, sounds like a druggy to me.

Francois and I shared a brief look, before turning back to Thad, "Yeah, that's fair."

And thus ends our first attempt to find a magic staff. Hopefully the next place will be better.

Our next stop was the home improvement store. Those guys always had tons of wood. Francois looked skeptical at this, but acquiesced anyway.

Heading for the wood section once more, I saw several more dowels I could try, as well as pieces used for various projects. It was a veritable wonderland of future magic staffs, I just had to find one.

But it would turn out to be much more difficult than I thought. The dowels were a bust, should have figured, and the other pieces that had a similar shape weren't much better.

It was starting to look impossible. Hell, I even tried to use the shower rods. I know they weren't made of wood, but they had the same shape. I figured, why not?

But still, no cigar. Because why would it be easy to find a magic staff in a world with little to no magic in it? The universe just couldn't throw me a bone huh?

No to mention the customers and employees were looking at me funny again. Not like I cared much at this point. I just needed to find what I needed and they wouldn't have to deal with the weirdo who brought a fish to a hardware store.

Growing frustrated, I marched into another aisle, determined to find a suitable staff. "Callen, where are you going?" asked Francois.

"Just wait and see," I growled.

I marched down the aisles until I found what I was looking for. With a victorious smirk, I placed Francois on a nearby cart, grabbed the large piece of wood from the shelf and began to try and feel the magic once more.

A few seconds ticked by before I could hear a nervous, "Callen…" coming from Francois. I mentally rolled my eyes, not willing to open them and disrupt my concentration

"What do you want? I'm a little busy in case you haven't noticed," I said.

"...That's a 2x4," he responded. Like I didn't know what it was! I opened my eyes to glare at him. "And!? It's a piece of wood, isn't it?"

He stared at me like I was an idiot, "And just how do you plan to use that as a staff? It's way too big?"

I looked at the piece of wood in my hand. Yeah he had a point, but I wasn't ready to concede to it just yet. "I don't know. I could whittle it down or something."

A few tense seconds ticked by, before Francois let out an exasperated sigh, "You really are a dumbass."

"Yeah, well what do you know!?"

"Ahem, excuse me, sir?" questioned a voice to my right this time. It was another employee, this one named Tiffany. I knew what the look on her face meant.

That was the second store we were kicked out of.

I sighed as I sat in the car, looking toward my fishy, pain in the ass, companion. "Any ideas on where to go?"

He thought about it for a bit, before a lightbulb seemed to turn on in his head, "I think so. You know that old antique shop? The one off of 3rd street?"

I thought about it for a moment, before my own lightbulb turned on, "Oh yeah! What was it called again? Ah who cares, you think they'll have what we need?"

"Couldn't hurt to look, right? What have we got to lose?"

That right there, that was what we call a red flag. You don't say things like that, not without suffering the consequences. I only wish I spotted it. So the two of us set off towards a new store, hoping to finally find a proper staff.

Unfortunately there seemed to have been an accident or something, because traffic was moving slower than a slug with a broken leg. It did give me some time to think, which was difficult considering Francois had the radio turned up to eleven, tuned into some hardcore metal station.

Speaking of Francois, he was currently banging his head up and down hard enough to give himself a concussion. Damn metal head. Did he do that kind of stuff when I wasn't around too? Like that movie?

Well if he did, at least he cleaned up after himself. Unless he was going number two in my shoe, I had to clean that up. At least I finally had my answer as to how he was doing it.

I still didn't know why, but progress is progress.

Coming to another stop as the flow of traffic halted, I took that chance to turn the radio off. Which was a sweet relief to one of us.

"Hey, come on. It was just getting to the good part," he whined at me like a five year old. Since when did I become a parent?

"I just wanted to ask some questions. I did just find out magic is real, you know. Plus, if I listen to that anymore I'm going to get tinnitus"

"Fine, ask away," he sighed. He wanted my help and has the nerve to treat me like a burden. See if I give him the good fish flakes again.

"So I'm a wizard… How exactly?" I asked. I mean I knew the gist of it, you know. Like no sex for thirty years. But how could I have been the first one in 5,000 years?

"What do you mean how? By being a loser cherry boy, that's how."

Damn him. Damn him and the pit he crawled out of. If I didn't need him to get my elf girls, he would be a homeless fish, working the streets, selling his two dollar gills to every grouper in town.

"I meant, 5,000 years is a long time. I can't have been the only one to reach thirty with his V-card shiny and new."

"That's true," he started, his voice trailing off like he was remembering something. "Plenty have made it to that mark, but that's only one factor. The true reason no one has done it before, is that no one has been able to hold onto their seed for thirty years."

I raised an eyebrow at that, "And by seed, you mean my little soldiers"

He rolled his eyes at me, "Yes, your very little soldiers."

"Hey!"

"You see, the true way to become a wizard is to retain all of your male essence for thirty years, from the day you are born. That means no sex, and no touching yourself. You can't even have a wet dream."

My eyes widened at the explanation. That was harsh, that last one couldn't even be controlled. How was that fair?

Wait, so that means I'm the only guy in 5,000 years who never had a wet dream? Damn. Not sure if I should be proud of that or not.

"Wait, does that mean all those NoFap weirdos online are actually right?" I asked.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Woah…"

We traveled in silence for a while, moving about 5 feet. Which took about twenty minutes. At this rate, we would never make it to the antique store. I swear if this is because of those damn oil protestors again…

"Alright, next question. Why do you want to return to your world?"

"To get my body back. Those damned heroes cut me into several pieces and ripped out my soul. As they were arguing about which one got to keep it, I managed to escape into your world and latched my soul onto this fish."

So basically he wanted revenge. Not that I could blame him. If a bunch of people came up to me and chopped me up, I'd be a little upset too. But there was one thing that stood out to me.

"Wait, if you were killed by heroes… Doesn't that make you the bad guy?"

He rolled his eyes at me, letting out a huff. "Let me ask you a question. Does Mount Vesuvius erupting make it evil?"

I didn't even give it a thought, "Of course not."

He nodded in agreement, "Well there you go. A dragon is a force of nature, a hurricane given form. The humans saw something more powerful than them and labeled me as evil. Therefore, the ones who opposed me were called heroes."

That did make some amount of sense, I guess. But I got the feeling he wasn't telling me the whole truth. And considering he brought up Mount Vesuvius, I'd make the wager that he burned down a town or two.

Wait, he wasn't the reason it erupted in the first place was he? Glancing at the disguised dragon, who was looking out the window bored as hell, it seemed unlikely. But at the same time…

Well whatever the case, I'm sure I'll learn all about it eventually. Whether he's telling the truth, as abridged as it may be, or he's lying and I'm literally helping the Devil return to power. Either way, I guess it's in my best interest to be on his good side.

"Wait, if you're some all-powerful dragoney force of nature, why do you need a wizard to open up a portal for you?"

That seemed to have struck a nerve as he began to grumble to himself. Eventually he sighed, "Escaping into this world took all of my remaining magic. My tank was empty with no way to recharge it. And without a proper body, no matter how powerful my soul is, there's no way to contain it. It all just leaks out."

"So in other words, like a battery. Your soul is the energy, and your body is the casing. Without the body to hold the energy, it can't be used," I said, and Francois looked at me surprised. Yes, that's it, bask in my genius!

"I suppose that analogy works. Not bad for a halfwit," he snarked.

You know, sushi sounded real good about now. A nice goldfish filet paired with a little soy sauce, some pickled ginger, and washed down with a nice cup of green tea.

"You're thinking something stupid right now, aren't you?" he asked, giving me a suspicious look.

"I am not," I replied back. I don't think he believed me though.

"One more question," I said as the traffic began to move and I was finally able to see the cause. It was those hippie protestors pretending to care about the planet while taking selfies for social media using their expensive plastic phones.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Why do you poop in my shoes?"

"Well, I'm not gonna poop in my bowl."

"You asshole!"