“Happy Initialization Day Belle!” I wake her up at my normal workout time and smother her in attention. She paws my face trying to push me away.

“Sleepy, snuggle or go away.” She’s trying to kick me away too, but her energy and awareness levels are far to low. I keep smooching her face. “You know I won’t initialize until I get to work.” She grabs my arms and rolls on top of me, spreading like a human blanket making it quite difficult to move. Well played lady sloth.

“Are you tied up at work all day?”

She nuzzles into my neck, “I am. I have a meeting with some officers to review my stat sheet afterward and discuss what crafting skills I’ll use to get to level three.” She hooks her legs under mine and scoops her arms to lock around mine.

“Cooking should give you a nice boost. Thanks for taking care of Marcella and Me.”

“I didn’t know I’d be mothering someone so soon, but Marcella’s a good kid.”

I snort and chuckle at that, and about to add to the hilarity when Belle covers my mouth with hers. After a few seconds, she pulls away. “Ten more minutes baby, please.” She nuzzles a little more before her breathing evens out in slumber.

I’ll probably get in trouble for this, but Belle’s been amazing and deserves a little extra effort from me. Of course I know that this is going to take more than ten minutes to get down to the gym, but if I skip my trip to the Cantina it won’t be too bad.

I was very wrong, and the worse part is that Marcella is waiting for me today looking damned disappointed.

“It is Bells initialization day?” I say in a rising question while feeling super guilty.

“And your tablet doesn’t work?” her finger taps against the bicep of her crossed arms as she scowls at me. Somehow I don’t think explaining that my girlfriend climbed on top of me and restricted my movement would go very well.

“I was dumb and distracted. Sorry for wasting your time.”

“It’s coming out of your afternoon, Kimber. You have a workout to get through, and any part that you don’t finish before lunch you’ll finish after another doctor’s visit.”

“Nooo, didn’t we just go to the doctor?” I whine.

“That was more than three months ago, and your attitude is fraying at the ends. I need to see if the changes have been worth it. Now get running.”

My warmup is the same every day: three sets of 1k running and twenty burpees. Then it’s to the weightlifting portion of the morning. This week is listed as ‘recovery’ and my sets are all 12-15 reps. Each cycle is three weeks long and after a few months she changes things up completely as soon as I’m getting used to things.

The legs and back routine isn’t very stressful, but super tiring and I’m still sucking down water before my 2k row. Despite the compliment of snacks I put away throughout my 3hr gym time, I am ravenous by the time I finish my shower.

“Did you at least remember to put your sports bra and shorts on for your doctor’s visit?” Marcella asks as she sits across the from me in the Cantina.

“Ugh, no. I wasn’t planning on seeing the doc today, because no one told me.” I glare at her.

“It’s frustrating isn’t it?” She quips, stuffing broccoli dipped in dressing in her mouth.

“It’s not the same! Me being late is hardly comparable to a pervert seeing me half naked!” Marcella’s eyes flick between my face and the rest of the room.

I look around and see that people are looking at us, and somehow I’m standing with my hands planted on the table. Oops.

“Yeah, that is getting worse. You snipe back with anger and cruelty now, where it was usually embarrassment and frustration. Belle’s even commented that you are friskier and more demanding, though you still won’t have sex with her. Your troubles with sparring partners is obviously a concern, but I’ve already spent considerable time talking about that.” She likes pointing with her silverware and is doing it again with her fork.

“You say that like I’m doing it on purpose.”

“Maybe you’re letting it happen. Are you at least trying to explain or resist these impulsive emotions?”

Have I not been? Looking back to a few instances, I guess I’ve been lamenting how my outburst affect Belle, but not on the emotions that are causing those actions. Damn. I start stuffing my face so that there’s no expectation for me to talk. Once I get to the cookies, I’ve calmed down enough to maybe talk about myself and doctors.

“So is this going to be an every three months thing? The checkups?”

“I would prefer much less frequent, but we’re messing around with your body, so I want to be safe and effective. We’ve already seen benefits in strength and weight, but the doc will be able to tell us more about how well we’re doing overall and if we can dial your testosterone supplements down a bit. And then we fight the reputation you’ve gained as Kenneck has decided not to qualify you to carry until you get your anger under control.”

I slump in defeat. That explains why I haven’t been able to get any range time. “Can’t really blame them can I? If I can’t control my hands, why would I be able to control what’s in them?”

“You’ve got some time. Not a lot, but some. It can wait until dinner to night at the very least.”

Seems like a lot is riding on this doctor’s visit and my ability to reign in my anger and flippant attitude.

***

“Be honest with me Marcella. Renfroe is not coming here, so where are we going?”

“The mutagen injection lab. You’re gonna be an animal hybrid and fight crime.”

“Ha ha, we literally work in organized crime so I know you’re lying.” I twitch a little and worry the seam on my pants as Marcella is a very competent liar and they could very well be injecting me with more perceived poisons.

“Did you hear that Belle saw her mentor today??”

Joy and panic force my heart to stumble and stutter. “Uh, yeah. Any idea how it went?”

“Nope! I just saw her walking with her advisor and may have been eavesdropping.”

“Why would you tell me that, now I’m going to be all nervous! Does she stay if it’s good news? Do they kill her if it’s bad? Do they . . .”

“Stop stop stop.” My mentor interrupts, attempting to save me from myself. “They wouldn’t kill her, dummy. Send her to a different department, sure, but kill her? Not a chance. That aura of hers is too valuable to waste.”

“Buh, I’m going to be a wreck now until I see her again.”

“You two are adorable.” She started saying that more now that I blush when she says it. I actually like it now when she says we look good together, and I’m embarrassed that she’s noticed for some reason.

Reacting because my chemicals say so instead of what I’ve done or thought is annoying. “And you still need a girlfriend.”

“I’ll have you know, that I am planning on asking someone out this very day.” She stops and faces me, planting her hands on her hips in assertion.

“Pfft, I’ll believe that when I see it. Who are you going to ask out?”

“Yes, Marcie, who are you going to ask out?”

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

Marcie? I look behind my mentor to see a tall alabaster beauty with knowing eyes and gaunt features. I’m about to right myself when she cocks her head and smiles at me with a little wave of her fingers. My heart spins in place, cutting off the flow of blood to my brain and I black out for a second. I regain control and vision with just enough time to keep my face from meeting the concrete floor.

“Uh, my heart tripped, I mean my feet were dazzled, I mean . . . I don’t know what I mean.”

“Her heart tripped?” a velvety voice asked, “Marcie, she’s adorable.”

Oh god, if I could die of embarrassment it would feel like this. My dutiful and compassionate mentor is laughing like a hyena while the tall brunette titters at my misfortune.

“Come on now, Kimber. I’m Nurse Medvedev and I’ll be performing your next few checkups. Let’s get you off the floor and see about some tests. She helps me up off the floor and I try not to react as she touches my hand. I fail of course, but I hope she can’t tell.

“Marcie?” I say stupidly.

“Don’t rent trouble, Kimmy.” She says, pushing me through the door. I shudder at the nick name and vow never to call her Marcie again. She hands me my backpack and I pull out a water bottle and an energy bar and focus on collecting myself.

“Do you ever tire of having that effect on people, Danielle?”

“It can be tiring, yes, but your protegee seems to be confused?” Well yes, nurse, very confused, thank you for noticing.

“She’s been struggling with her emotions lately. The treatments probably aren’t helping with that. I’m pretty confident she just discovered she’s attracted to women though.” Asshole laughs at me again.

“Can you two stop fucking with me and get on with it?” I growl

“Hey,” Marcella says poking me hard in the shoulder. “Think about the way you’re acting, and control yourself.”

I swat her hand away, “You think about how you’re laughing at a hormone imbalanced girl in front of a person she’s never met.”

Nurse Medvedev sighs loudly, “Sorry, Kimber, if I embarrassed you. And she’s right, Marcella. It was inappropriate to laugh at her when we’re here for a professional visit. So, I’ve looked at your records and data, I want to hear about the person that it comes from. Tells me some good and some bad things about the program you’re on.”

Hmm, how much to share? She doesn’t seem to work for the Organization often, so I may as well overshare. “Well, I love the amenities but I don’t like that I feel guilty about accepting them? I don’t think I could have gotten this far without Belle, but I feel terrible that she might not be getting what she wants from the arrangement. My schedule is grueling, but the rate of my improvements has been really nice. I worry about what happens if Marcella and the Org think that the cost is too high.”

“Okay, it’s good to hear that you think your training is worth it, but what about your emotions? Besides likes and dislikes, how are you managing friendships and the people you’re close to?”

“It’s been hard to manage because I have to pay attention to them all the time. Before, my emotions were like a glowing ember in a box. I had to stoke them in order to express them, and they never got out unless I opened myself up. I really only did that for Jamie before I came here. Now, they feel like a barely contained mass of electric sparks: I can’t keep them from leaking out and when I try to open up it takes all of my will to get them going in the same direction. As for friends and stuff, I really only see Marcella, Belle, and my ex sparring partner enough to care about them. The boys at the gym just tolerate me.”

“Okay, wow. That certainly paints a picture. I guess I didn’t understand how isolated you were. And, while messing with your hormones can enhance your physical growth in some areas, it’s hard to tell when it becomes too much for mental stability. It appears that you’re hanging in, but sensitive to change. You’re about eight months away from your initiation into the System right?”

I nod and the calm and collected woman, whose demeaner is calming me down. “Yeah, like two months before I start working though.”

“That might change if we can’t pull in her volatility under stress. The weapons guys got super jumpy after she almost stabbed Salazar. You read about what she told Parker on recruitment day?” The nurse nods. “Even the remote perception of that behavior is a trigger.”

“I see. Kimber,” she puts her hand on my knee and I stiffen. She pulls back, “Can you look at me for this next part?”

I nod and raise my head with my eyes closed and then open them after a deep breath.

“Thank you, now I want you to think about how it felt before the dosage was made more frequent and then tell me if you think that would make a difference now.”

I remember not knowing what to do with the increased presence of emotion in general, so much so that I couldn’t analyze how much of that emotion was anger, so whenever I opened the box to check it would all spill out.

“I can’t really say. I am far more experienced with the emotions that I have now, and Belle has shown me some ways to release emotions besides aggression, so that the box is less full all the time. While I feel that this level is unsustainable, I don’t know how manageable the old level would be with the tools I’ve learned.”

“That was well articulated, Kimber. Thank you.” I break eye contact after her praise. I just can’t even.

“From my perspective, she is much more expressive than before, and the aggression serves her well in the gym, but not really anywhere else.”

The beautiful Russian takes another deep breath. “I think you may be a good candidate for my research. Have you heard of Aether Poisoning and aether-driven mutation?”

“Marcella hinted at a mutation option as an unpredictable gamble, but not why.” I look over toward my mentor and she nods in agreement.

“Okay, so, aether is an additional energy source that Earth is drastically undersaturated with. Astoria, the capital system of the Empire is rich with it and thus they have developed people that can use it. Have you played games that have wizards and mana?”

“Not recently, but I have a strategy game that has that.”

“Okay, well, people that can utilize aether, can effectively use magic. Earth natives have no natural way to process aether on our own with as low as the ambient levels are here. To sustain the version of the system nanites that utilize aether, they have to slowly administer aether-rich foods and eventually their body learns to both accept and discard aether in a way that can sustain the System and keep the aether from poisoning you. If the poison builds up too much, your body loses control of the excess and releases it all at once, causing a mutation. These can be beneficial or harmful, based on length of exposure, the amount, and the alignment of the aether you have been exposed to. That is the gamble that Marcella was talking about.

“Before explain my proposal, I need an NDA agreement from both of you.”

“Done.” My mentor says immediately. I nod.

“I need a verbal agreement to not disclose, sweetie.”

“I agree, I won’t tell anyone about the research. I can tell Belle that I’m part of an experiment?”

“Yes, but nothing including aether, magic, or any adjacent term.” I didn’t even think that stuff was real until today.

“I can do that.” Nobody I know would believe me anyway. Well, Bell would because she trusts me implicitly.

“Okay, documents filed. My research studies system events such as tier ascension, or module upgrades to give direction to the excess aether in a body. It’s been promising in tier-ups, but it’s difficult to find aether-adjacent modules on a tech-based planet, so that is still a gamble. In your case, you have shown both a desired effect and a commitment to that effect via the therapy, that your System initiation could become a tier zero ascension instead of just an initialization, and you would most likely see physical changes as a result. The best part, is that if the System event doesn’t use any or all of the aether, we stop the influx of aether and you will process it out over time, with some mild to moderate discomfort until it’s gone.”

“That sounds way better than a mutation. Why haven’t you tried this on an initialization before?!”

“Slow down, sport. Your class is like the second attempt ever to spend a prolonged period to prepare for initialization to target intake skills and Tracks at level three.”

“That’s part of it, the other part is aether is more intent based than even the nanites are proving to be. You have to have intent and conviction to get aether to act predictably, and even then it’s not enough sometimes. Finally, the first attempt costs around a thousand credits for food and beverages infused with aether.”

My mentor coughs, probably on the thought of that ridiculous sum.

“That’s a lot of money.”

“And that’s for the quick version. Theoretically, if we could get her tolerance up, she could get a bigger bump during the system event because her levels could be higher. The quick version is six weeks of food and juice, escalating as appropriate. I have the budget for another participant, but it’s only for six weeks.”

“What are your thoughts Kimber?”

Less buzzing emotion and still make my physical goals for initialization? Yes please. “I like the idea very much. Especially since it seems like the only way to reach our overall goals for me.”

Nurse Medvedev looks at Marcella and they must be chatting via System.

“Yeah, Danielle, I get it okay? Sheesh. So here’s my deal for you Kimber. We knock this therapy down and you have until your 18 month mark to convince the weapons guys to let you train, AND to be proficient enough to be trusted on a field assignment with a weapon I will help fund getting you the best start possible. Lower target is to convince everyone that it is worth their time to help you qualify on weapons during your field period. You will owe both teams as they would be spending their spare time to help you. We still get you enrolled in the research. Failure condition: we have to delay your field start for weapons qualifications, you lose your extra privileges, I eat a lot of crow with the Org, and your initialization goes how it goes we see what kind of candidate you are after that.”

“I know I can do option one.”

“Ensure you don’t fail first, if you do, you’ll embarrass quite a few important people.”

“Marcie, please.”

“No, she needs to hear this. If I bet this hard on her, she doesn’t fail alone.”

While I don’t like that she’s hammering the point so hard, I think I understand. “You’ve been nothing but reasonable. The only reassurance I can give that would mean anything is to do it.” I stand up to leave. “I think I remember a guy at the gym talking about meditation. That might help with at least the perception of mindfulness.”

“Don’t be like that, go home, congratulate Bell, find that meditation guy tomorrow.”

“Can I afford to waste a moment, appearing to care only about myself? Nobody on my road to failure knows I live with Belle, no one cares. So what good is it? Don’t worry, I’ll get back to work, studying, since that’s what I’m supposed to be doing without you, that’s what you told me right? I wouldn’t want to appear disrespectful, ‘cause that would be embarrassing right?”

As soon as I mentioned Belle I started crying while I choked out those words. I shouldn’t have said all that, but bringing up spending time with Belle after hammering home how much is at risk, and how much failure will cost. How much I have to do in two months and then again for six months after that. I manage not to slam the door after I rush through it, but it was difficult.