“Do you have any last words?” Death wasn’t anything new to him, he had lost the associated fear of it many, many, many years ago. Though he did still need to play up the act for his client so…

“Don’t do this to me! Please, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again plea-” The sickeningly wet thud the ax made as it came down on my neck made my stomach churn, not because it disgusted me but because it reminded me that I hadn’t eaten in a while and starvation had set in. It took a few chops before my head was completely severed from my spine and even then it still hung on by a few strands of muscle. My body went limp but my mind kept going, I watched as my body was thrown aside off the chopping block and left to rot in the dew covered grass. I watched my executioner clean my blood off his ax with unblinking eyes and suppressed the urge to use my hand to scratch my disembodied head’s nose. It took almost an hour for everyone to pack up and leave, they didn’t even have the decency to bury me, how rude.

“Wow, he really went through with it… guess I don’t have to pay after all, Hah!” A familiar nasally voice from behind my body caught my attention and at the utterance of not having to pay made me realize it was time to get on with it.

“Now don’t go thinking about skipping out on our deal” Over my overly cheerful voice, I could hear my client jump and yelp in fear. I didn’t need to see him to know he was staring at my body with no small amount of fear. Without further fanfare my body boosted itself back up and strolled over to my slightly damp head and with the skill of a famed soccer player, kicked my head up into the air and back onto my neck. Opening my eyes and seeing the horrified gaze of my client dressed in dark robes I smiled and was about to continue speaking until I realized… my head was on backwards. Lifting my head back off and spinning it around and setting it back on my neck properly I felt various muscle fibers begin to connect, blood vessels refilled and resealed themselves, and my spine quickly reconstructed itself. With a quick stretch and a pop of the neck I was right as rain, turning back around to my client who was now holding up cross in my direction and muttering under his breath.

“So, what did I ask for in payment? Decapitations always make the head fuzzy, was it money, doubloons, your first born child? I promised myself I wouldn’t accept children again, but you can never be sure about these things” Realizing from my nonchalant tone that I wasn’t some sort of demon, my client dropped the cross and hesitantly started to speak, though I wasn’t really listening. I was stuck on his outfit, he looked like a cultist from medieval times. Though it might actually be medieval times, I'm always remembering in the wrong direction. It’s as annoying as it is hilarious, watching all the confused romans wonder what I was talking about as I make a joke about airplane food. Though sadly jokes can’t pay my bills…not that I have any bills to pay, I just like having trinkets.

“-ossible that you were real, t-this changes everything. Immortality is at my fingertip-“I’m just gonna cut you off before I hit you with my shoe, pay me” This was my job, of all the skills I've picked up over the millennia there is one thing that I can do better than everything else… dying. When people need someone to take the fall for something or to disappear in an accident, I offer my services. I remember a few of my favorites, the time I took the fall for starting the Trojan war, the time I was nailed to a cross for some guy so he could show up again a few days later… I think there’s a religion around him now, good for him. There was the time where a U.S. President was going to be assassinated during a parade so I posed as him, that one didn’t end well. He still died anyway a few weeks later from lung cancer, can’t win them all.

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

Taking the bag of gold coins from my client I started walking away and debated where to go next. I have been working pretty hard lately. Maybe I should have a small vacation, maybe I should go to Disney World! I looked around at the small rural village I entered, up at the thatched roof huts and down at the wooden rolling carts being pulled by beasts of burden. Turning around and seeing the castle and its knights in the distance, I deduced that it was a bit too early to be going to Disney World or land. Human beings aren’t meant to live so long, I felt the weight of my years crash down upon me again. 

This isn’t the first time I've been in the medieval era, I have been on this planet for… longer than I care to remember and almost like clockwork at some point in the future, the world ends. Be it from a meteor, a world war, famine, you name it. Then at some point life restarts and evolution hits the proverbial replay button and it all starts again, dinosaurs happen and it's pretty fun at first until it gets boring and they go extinct again. Cavemen and women begin showing up and it’s nice to teach again after so long but they start learning on their own really quickly. A few times I tried something new, making the dominant species not human but reptile, being a god figure, steering fate in a direction I like. I’ve done it all and now i’m struggling to find something to keep me invested in life and my most recent method of dying over and over has been helping a bit in a messed up suicidal way. 

I don’t want to lose interest in the species I love, because if I lose interest then… I might lose what little humanity I have left. I shook myself out of my thoughts and realized I had been standing in the same spot for a while… a long while. Reaching up to tear off the moss that had grown over my face I looked around and saw a man weed whacking a flowerbed in the park that had sprung up around me. Shaking off a bit more moss I turned my gaze to my surroundings and was quickly surprised by the sight of a redhead woman wearing reading glasses sitting next to me on a bench. Glancing down at the small apple computer sitting in her lap, it was apparent that I had missed a few years… or decades.

“How long was I here?” The woman just blinked at me for a moment before realizing I had spoken to her and responded… with a Scottish accent!?

“M-my whole life?” I nodded and made a mental note to not zone out anymore.

“Right, and can you tell me where I am?” Gaining some semblance of composure back, the woman shook herself before closing her laptop and taking the glasses off. Turning to me fully and scrutinizing my still moss covered body with naked astonishment and disbelief.

“You’re in Wales, near Cardiff. Now what are you! Who are you! I have lived near this park my whole life and you have always been just a statue, you can’t be alive and… now you are?” Starting off strong but pettering out near the end as uncertainty entered her tone, the woman stood from the bench and started to circle me in amazement. This is a better reaction than usual, usually i’m either burned at the stake or people just run away. I pushed away a prodding finger and took a step off the pedestal I seemed to have been moved onto, a bit more dirt and moss falling off as I did so.

“ Isn’t it better manners to introduce yourself first to the scary statue man?” Smothering a small laugh from my words the woman only rolled her eyes before responding.

“Well from my perspective, I've known you all my life. The name’s Amelia, Amelia Pond” Turning and smiling at who could be the first new friend I made in many years, I gave a small bow and introduced myself.

“Nice to meet you properly then Amelia, most people just call me Rene. Now… do you happen to have any pants I could borrow… mine seemed to have rotted away” The sudden hysterical laughter made my smile even brighter. There were certainly going to be some interesting times ahead.