03:00 Poolside Bar
John placed his drink down on the bar and went inside the house to get a cigar and lighter. Outside at the bar, he sat in silence, vodka in one hand, cigar in another. He was trying to make sense of everything that had happened.
Why did those assholes have to murder all those defenseless people and why did he have to kill them? The how and why’s of everything just kept spinning around in his head. John had been compartmentalizing everything, until tonight. Now his mind was playing back everything he and the attackers did, he was struggling with comprehending everything that had happened. He took a long drag on the cigar and let out the smoke. He then rotated on the seat and was leaning against the bar countertop and looked up at the sky.
“We can reach all those stars now, but our basest instinct is still to kill one another. Why? Why are we like that? Why am I like this? Fuck.”
He didn’t have any answers. His demons were rampaging in his psyche and currently winning the war. Was tonight the breaking point? Every death he justified because of orders or the gross actions of the decedent, tonight he enjoyed that kill. In this instant, John was blind to a way out. He was swimming aimlessly in an ocean of blood he helped create. Right now, he didn’t know how to win, much less fight, this internal civil war. His emotional barriers and walls that he had set up for himself were crumbling down. He was legitimately scared, an emotion he hadn’t felt for far too long.
A light came on from the kitchen. Jessica and Alice walked outside.
“John, are you alright?” Alice asked.
The two girls were walking cautiously toward the bar.
John spun around on his chair and grabbed his glass and took another drink. “No, no I am not. Physically I’m fine, but I may have added a bit too much mental scar tissue.”
He took a drag on the cigar and another drink from the glass. The look on his face appeared pained to the girls
“Are you able to talk about it?” Jessica asked meekly.
Jessica hadn’t seen this side of John. No one had, it was as if he was an entirely different person. It was disturbing and scary. The boundless life and energy that normally was there were now absent in his eyes. She looked at Alice and she looked even more concerned for him.
John got up and walked behind the bar. He poured himself another drink, and he didn’t wait to have a drink. Straight vodka wasn’t something people could take straight without grimacing a bit. John looked even more pained as he took a drink.
“Sure, sit down. Honestly, at this point, I don’t give a shit what the Navy or Intelligence wants me to do regarding this whole fucked up affair.”
He rested his hands at the edge of the bar top and leaned toward it. He was looking at the ground.
“Alice already knows part of the story; don’t be mad but I swore her to secrecy a couple of weeks back. I was working on a standard business investigation on Terra Nova when the massacre started. I put the base on lockdown, grabbed a vest, rifle, and sidearm, shot out a window and jumped onto the roof, and started to shoot at the attackers. There were twenty shooters and four drivers. Eleven of those assholes died due to my and a couple of other agents’ actions. Two drivers were arrested when their boys didn’t come back and stayed in the area too long. The other two drivers and five shooters attempted to flee. Within an hour of the attack, everyone was accounted for except two shooters and one driver.”
John took another drink and puffed on the cigar. He hated this story.
“One guy went to Meridian Minor, another guy flew to some station in Confed Space, and the driver vanished like a fart in the fucking wind. Well, I booked it off Nova and headed to that station. We got there first and arrested the asshole when his flight departed the plane. He was sent back to Nova and executed after his trial in the summer. This other cat that went to Meridian Minor, which is an Alliance world, by the way, was a royal pain in the ass to take out. There was an open kill order on him, but if we could take him back alive, we could do that too. I didn’t feel bad about that kill, he was a pederast in addition to being a mass murderer. He got chopped up, not alive but hey, justice served a few times over I suppose.”
The girls just sat there silent. How could they say anything? Alice knew some of the details, but not to the detail that John was freely sharing now. They had read the news articles, but it was some censured and toned down from the truth. The look in John’s eyes thought troubled her. Gone was the playful and fun feeling she was used to seeing. There was nothing there anymore.
“Turns out a case of galactic karma is the only reason we figured out who the other driver was. Because this dumbass knocked up some chick on Earth before he ran off to Nova to play happy terrorist, and she wanted child support when she popped the kid out. Turns out the government couldn’t be bothered to check the DNA sample against outstanding crimes until two days ago, but then bingo. DNA match and wouldn’t you think it?” John explained as his arms flailed about, “The motherfucker was right here in New Orleans. Oh, and guess who’s also in the same fucking city? The Grim fucking Reaper.”
John finished what was left in the glass and took the last drag from the cigar. He grabbed the bottle and poured more into his glass.
“Well, I gave that asshole a chance to go quietly. I actually gave him a chance to turn himself in. But he goes and chooses the messy option. But it’s done. A slice here and there and the dumb asshole’s head almost rolled off his head. And now all those responsible have received their just desserts, well except those that planned it,” John paused to take a drink, “So, I get back here, and I feel like something just snapped inside. I started drinking vodka, which isn’t helping at all, and then I was thinking all philosophically like, how we’ve made ourselves masters of our corner of the galaxy, and yet all we can really do is kill one another really fucking efficiently.”
The cigar was cooling down in the ashtray. His hands were balled up, knuckles were pressed against the granite countertop.
“Or at least I can kill really fucking efficiently. Hell, I don’t know anymore.”
Tears were flowing out of Jessica’s eyes, “My cousin Tanner died that day. He can rest in peace now knowing everyone has been brought to justice. Justice is finally served. You’re a hero to all those families.”
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John scoffed at that. He was many things, but a hero was not one of them. That was a title he had not earned, not to him.
“I’m no hero. Heroes don’t do what I have done. Fuck, most villains won’t cross the lines I have.”
A new voice joined the conversation, “You aren’t a comic book hero or villain. No one can be, no one can be that righteous in our world. You did what needed to be done, sometimes the only way to combat violence is violence itself. Did you ever ask yourself how many people’s lives were saved by your actions that day?”
Andern had been sleeping in the living room. A combination of a rather loud “fuck” said by John and the patio lights turning on woke him up.
“Over sixteen hundred, Tanner’s older brother and sister were there with him too,” Jessica said.
Andern confidently walked over and put a hand on her shoulder.
“And if I cut through that line of bullshit the two of you gave us a couple of weeks ago about the hotel, I’d dare say at a minimum you were involved, if not both of you somehow. And for the record, no judging here,” Andern appeared shocked the rumored Grim Reaper was none other than John.
It made sense though; he’d seen him in action during the wargames. It wasn’t normal that he was that good at everything he did during basic. And unlike the others, he never hesitated once pulling the trigger. The guns they used in wargames weren’t going to cause harm to anyone, but everyone hesitated at times. Not John, he never hesitated.
“John, you may feel like a monster but there’s no way I’d fall in love with one. You aren’t what the net says the Reaper is. You’re not that caricature,” Alice was beginning to tear up, “And you damn well know how many people you saved at the hotel. You aren’t evil, all of us know you’re a good man at the core.”
John just shook his head and poured another drink. They were right. Of course, they were. But they didn’t know everything he did. There were things that he had done that he could not tell them or anyone. Hell, there were things Naval Intelligence didn’t know he did. In any case, he was done baring his soul tonight. He was tired.
“You want to know something Patrice said after the third wargame. Yes, the asshat Patrice. He hated you, but he didn’t want to face you in those games. He, along with every last person in our platoon wanted you on our side. He knew just as much as the rest that with you on our side we’d win all those wargames. Monsters don’t inspire trust in anyone, your command of our platoon inspired everyone.” Tears were streaming down Alice’s cheeks.
She had no idea John was quietly suffering the way he was. He hadn’t said a single word about the burden he bore on anyone. The emotional load he bore must’ve been enormous for the dam to break this evening. Alice swore she’d never let him go down this route ever again.
Things were still not making complete sense to John, but his friends had helped arrange the puzzle pieces in his mind somewhat. This was always going to plague him for the rest of his life. Maybe there were aspects of his psyche that were monstrous, and he could tap into that too when necessary. He might not be a good man all the time, but at least he could be a man of action that could do what needed to be done according to his moral code.
“Thanks, y’all should get back to bed. I’ll be inside sooner than later,” John took another drink.
Andern walked Jessica back into her room.
Alice walked around the bar and hugged John from behind, “I’m here if you need anything. I mean it, anything.”
She then walked back inside. A few moments later Andern closed the door behind him and sat down at the bar. He looked squarely at John.
“I am not going to be good company right now,” John said.
“Yup, I get that. I think it’s time for some tough love. Look I have no idea how you do what you do, or even how you could do what you’ve done. I’m obviously not wired to do any of that ridiculous shit you can do. And I’m certainly not casting any stones here. I suspect that memory of yours that lets you ace tests is a bit of a double-edged sword, and now you’re worried that the Reaper is going to consume who and what you are.”
“Fine, Dr. Andern, what the fuck should I do about that then?” John spat out before taking another drink.
“Stop being a pussy and don’t let it happen. Before you tell me that’s too simple or I don’t know shit, obviously, that’s the case. But I get the feeling no one has ever told you no, or when they did you found a way around it. Well, this shit ain’t something you can avoid or dodge or cheat your way out. Because if you don’t man the fuck up you will become what you seem to fear. That much I can promise you will happen. We’ve seen that shit happen too often in our history.”
“You think it’s that easy, do you really?”
“Fuck no, it’s going to be hard. You’re going to have to fight it every god damn day of your life. Not like your life hasn’t been one fucking battle after another. The big question you need to answer is whether or not you are willing to do that. I bet three weeks ago that was an easy answer. Last week it was harder, but you still had an answer. Today though, you don’t have an answer because Intelligence keeps using you and I bet you keep on falling into the old routine. I wish I could give you an excuse or reason to keep fighting the good fight. I can’t. Alice can though. She’s way tougher than you think but look what your indecision here is doing to her. She’s collateral damage in this fucking mess, but she doesn’t have to be, nor does she deserve that.”
John had another drink. His friend was right. God dammit he was right. Andern liked to play the role of group idiot, but he was far more perceptive than the others gave him credit for. Abd he was right about this whole damned mess. He gave him an idea to hang his personal morality around. This is exactly what he needed to hear. He was and will always be the Grim Reaper, but he doesn’t need to be the monster everyone else thinks that are.
“Let me tell you one more thing,” Andern grabbed another glass and swiped the bottle of vodka out of John’s hand, and poured a little in the glass, “Fucking gross man, you are actually drinking straight vodka. Blegh. I’m so jealous you have someone like Alice. Turns out the woman I fell for is fucking lesbian. Can you believe my rotten luck?” Andern gave out a pitiful fake laugh.
John laughed, “Heh, tough love from the black hick from North Dakota, and what gets me to laugh is his unrequited love for a lesbian. I should be feeling sympathy for your sorry ass. You know that ain’t ever going to work right?”
“There we go, Captain Jackass is back. Don’t be so fucking moapy, it’s depressing as fuck you know,” Andern smiled as he saw John grab another glass and poured a drink for his friend, “I am so not drinking this without mixing something in it. I don’t know how you’re doing this.”
John grabbed Andern’s glass and poured it into his, then finished off the glass, “Practice, and a whole lot of self-loathing. Go to sleep. I’m going in to take a shower. I need some god damn sleep.”
“Cya in the morning,” Andern waived at his friend as he headed back into the pool house.
John nodded to his friend and went inside. He placed the dirty glasses in the sink and walked upstairs. Alice was sound asleep. He was sure she got worked up over his leaving so quickly and suddenly, then compounded that by his weakness and self-loathing. He had to apologize to her in the morning and thank her for being the rock he so desperately needed in his life. She was the moral compass he was desperately lacking.
His clothes hit the floor and he stepped into the warm shower. The dirt and grim flowed off him. The weight hanging on his soul felt like it was getting lighter. The chains and some resistance remained; they’d always be there but he wouldn’t be bound by them anymore. He wasn’t cured, he never would be. But he knew how to fight his battles now, to return to himself after he needed to switch on the violence. This was a curse he created for himself, and one he’d cast on himself. It wasn’t his alone to bear for all time anymore. He had something he was missing his whole life, family. He shook his head at his idiocy for putting himself in this position, but what’s done is done.
The future he was dreaming of was still a possibility, one that was in much clearer focus now than just a few short hours ago. He turned the shower off and dried himself off. He put on a clean pair of boxer briefs and shorts. He walked over to Alice’s side of the bed and kissed her forehead. He thanked her quietly. He then crawled into the other side of the bed and fell asleep for some much-needed rest.