A large percentage of Samurai also belong to the Queer community. I don’t know why, but it’s a noticeable trend in who is selected. Hell I’m a part of that group myself!

My partner Asuriel was as well, at least until she laid down her life in the Detroit incursion of 2041.

Goddess, I miss her so much.

-Excerpt from Samulife interview with Shadowtag, July 2052

Pyri’s response was downright eager.

In what way did wearing the dress feel good?

‘Uh,’ I was caught a bit off guard by the shift of what felt like her full attention, ‘Well, the best way I can describe it was like my chest feeling lighter and unburdened. Like if I wanted to, I could just leap up and well, soar without a care. In fact it almost felt like that’s what I wanted to do.’

Interesting. Spark I will be asking you a few questions. Please answer them truthfully, and if you get too uncomfortable to continue, be sure to let me know and we can continue this discussion another time.

She sounded like I was incredibly fragile at that moment, and to be fair, I probably was. Pyri felt like an older sister I never had. Always kind and gentle, yet not afraid to tease me in a way that felt fundamentally different to the bickering the rest of the family partook in.

‘I need answers Pyri,’ I grit my teeth, ‘whatever memory I saw, it was important. This was the only part that doesn’t directly hurt to think about right now.’

Water was now properly boiling, time to add in the pasta and set an egg timer for three minutes.

Very well. First, describe your mental state as you progressed through your early teenage years.

‘Unease.’ That answer came scarily quickly. ‘It just felt like something was always wrong in a way I can’t describe.’

Where was this feeling centered?

‘I only just barely stopped myself from looking down at my body, the gangly limbs that despite having the hand eye coordination I had, always felt too long. The torso that felt too large, the shoulders that felt far too square, the face…’

I visibly shuddered as I stirred the noodles. Round and round they go, when they’ll stop, nobody knows.

Are you able to continue?

Steeling myself, I nodded.

What about your reflection?

The chill from my bones practically doubled as I froze.

Remember if you can’t continue we can always continue at a later time or day.

‘N-no Pyri, I’m fine, mostly.’ I swallowed- This specific thing was something I had never told anyone about. The only reason I was even able to respond was, I knew she would see the way my eyes always shied away from mirrors.

‘My reflection is… wrong. I don’t know how or why, but it just… It never felt like I was actually looking at myself. Just a random person staring back that copied my movements.’

I was trembling now, the truth now shared between us freezing that connection I felt with Pyri to the point I was worried that a single crack would destroy it forever.

Spark you need to relax, I would never use your personal information to harm you, and if I am correct, the condition that ails you is… Vicious.

The chill slightly receded as I took a deep breath and let it out. ‘Thank you Pyri, I’ve never talked about this stuff with anyone so-‘

-

“Momma I wanna be a girl just like you!” I declared, clutching my Momma’s skirt in my hands.

A warm hug enveloped me, “Of course my little fox. Shall we go get you some nice new clothes?”

-

The handle of the spoon I was holding nearly snaps under the pressure I was applying to it.

Spark are you ok? Your brain activity spiked for a few seconds.

I shuddered and let out a breath. ‘I’m fine.’

I sat there for a moment, then realized it was pointless.

‘I uh, might have lied about that last bit. I remembered telling my Mom about this stuff. I… I wanted to be a girl..’

Has this desire changed?

After pulling the ramen off the stove top and serving it to the kids and Evie, I took the time to actually think about what Pyri was asking. If my childhood wish to become a girl had carried over throughout my entire life, buried beneath… something, what happened to repress that?

The lingering presence of that deep desire was practically obvious when I began to think about it.

The longing looks Evie received from me whenever she got new clothes while we were younger.

The sheer nameless envy that I had felt when Aunt Nyra taught Evie and the twins how to apply makeup.The blanket dislike for my bodies’ masculine traits.

The seeming lack of any emotion that reached to my core other than anger, which left me feeling even worse after it ran its course.

The way my voice sounded, the facial hair… That thing between my legs.

My thoughts seemingly caught up to my awareness as something shattered in my mind. Everything even marginally negative feeling about my body quintupled in an instant.

It.

Fucking.

HURT.

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My arms wrapped around my chest as a wave of disgust and nausea flooded my everything. H-how have I always lived like this? My tear ducts practically ached with the need to release the tears I desperately wanted to fall. Desperation that proved ineffective. I rushed to the small bathroom ignoring the concerned voices behind me, clumsily locking the door behind me.

‘Pyri what's wrong with me?’

You are currently experiencing a dysphoria attack. Take deep breaths. In… three four five, and out… three four five.

That cycle repeated a few more times, at least until I was somewhat more stable.

I believe that the discomfort you are experiencing is acute gender dysphoria, I apologize for what you just went through, realization tends to make it worse afterwards.

‘G-gender dysphoria? What causes that?’

Pyri’s response was like she was talking to a wounded animal, her voice soft and tender.

The primary cause is incongruence to your assigned gender at birth, this is commonly known as being transgender, or nonbinary depending on the person.

I remained silent as all this new info swirled in my head. Transgender? Me? It might explain the mirror, the discomfort, the emotional turmoil I just felt from thinking about- bad brain, that thing will go under the knife later-

Huh.

When had I decided to get rid of that thing? It suddenly just… felt like an absolute given for me. Also, thinking about having the other set felt… nice? Like a phantom sensation of being at ease, mixed with a basic desire like hunger or thirst. Taking the thought process further I imagined other things. Longer hair, breasts, hips, dresses, even the occasional bit of makeup! Everything I could think of left that lingering want.

I wanted to have these things.

A fleeting memory, one of a time where I had been experimenting with Momma surfaced for just a moment. I took a shaky breath, the knowledge that even if some of it didn’t end up feeling right, the sheer act of trying back then was almost intoxicating.

Would a ‘not trans guy’- No, that sounds weird and bad. I immediately set off on my small tangent, and after taking a few moments to search for the proper word on my glasses, I quickly found it.

Would a cisgender guy feel like this? Feel the need to get rid of the things that made him a guy?

A small part of my brain insisted that all guys felt this way. The rest of my brain, and a quick bit of research, came back with a resounding “NO”.

I- I’m a girl aren’t I?

That admission was what finally cracked the dam, bringing forward a single, lonely tear.

I’m… a girl?

I let the tear trickle down my face as the words echoed in my ears. This one was too important to just wipe away. A tear shed from the feeling of the newly mentally labeled “Gender Euphoria” swirling around in my head. A tear shed for the years I had lost. A tear shed for my Momma, who would never get to see my true self fully actualized as a young woman.

I’m a girl.

A light giggle burst from my lips, admitting the truth felt like I was pulling myself out of the ground and getting kissed by the early morning sunshine. My heart fluttered like it was laughing, the sheer power of the realization shattering the shackles surrounding it.

I am a girl!

I couldn’t help but release another giddy giggle at the thought, but then I froze.

But… what now?

That brought me up short, the first thing would be to ask Pyri for help with getting a new body that actually fit me. And the answer to that would be killing more antithesis, which meant leaving this bunker to reclaim our home.

I don’t know how many minutes I ended up sitting there thinking about the future both in terms of gender and in terms of military matters. Occasional dips back into the article I found to give certain things proper terms in my mind, or to make sense of other confusing thoughts swirling in my head. The thing that eventually roused myself was the feeling of my own unconscious subvocalization.

‘Transfemme huh?’ I felt another small smile form, ‘figures that I’d end up tinkering with my own body doesn’t it?’

It is quite poetic. How are you feeling?

Pyri’s tone was still soft, but also hopeful. I stretched my arms out above me, unable, no unwilling to banish the smile from my lips.

‘Like my entire concept of myself got ran through a blender, but I’ll manage.’ As I lowered my arms though, my psyche twinged with the aftershocks of everything..Doing my best to take deep breaths, I slowly slid down the wall until I was sitting, hugging myself to not cry. I sat there trembling for an uncomfortable period of time, until Pyri chimed in to break the silence.

Little Spark. Would you like to hear about Vulgora?

My face twisted up as I tried to place the word, but it did eventually click. ‘The place my electrical utility catalogue came from?’

Indeed, I find the planet and its inhabitants very interesting.

‘Um… I guess so. Go for it then, their stuff has worked nice so far.’

A video appeared on my glasses, what I saw was a planet with splotches of dark brown, and tan. The planet had clouds like earth as well, but these were all thunderheads, bright blue flashes lit up the dark clouds. And presumably the ground below them. In contrast giant grey clouds also littered the area, however they mostly stuck to the lighter patches on the surface.

Vulgora is a desert planet with an atmosphere that is heavily polarized with the ground. Nearly every weather event on the planet is a sandstorm, and most end up becoming a thunderstorm as well.

The view zoomed in, and I was now looking at a view of the planet’s horizon with the camera right at the edge of a cliff. The sky was a slightly paler blue than Earth’s, and the ground was the same browns visible from space. In the distance, I could see many plateaus and even a thunderhead pounding the ground below it with lightning. In between the cliffs, all I saw was a giant pit of sand that seemed like it was full of some dark liquid.

The surface is composed of different arid biomes on the various plateaus, which are separated by an ocean, though not one similar to the ones you know. Rather than water they are full of oily quicksand for which there are many uses. The Vulgorans used to use this ocean as a nearly infinite fuel source, that is, until they learned to harness the power of the planet’s thunderstorms.

The camera turned and what I saw was incredible. An entire city of squat rounded structures which were seemingly specially built to hold up against sandstorms sat beneath glimmering metal towers that seemed to be begging for a bolt of lightning to hit them. Inhabiting the city was a race of breathtaking fox-like people, their short fine brown fur covering their entire body along with their downright massive tails and ears.

Their form practically called to me.

The Vulgorans were originally native to another planet that was almost entirely overrun by antithesis within a few earthen years, primarily due to their leadership refusing to properly form a response. The Protectors moved them here due to the similar environments, leaving them with the technology and resources to rebuild their lives. Now they are a thriving civilization, weathering the desert storms of the planet using the electrical equipment they developed to turn a terrifying force of nature into something that can be used for the good of their society.

The scene shifted again to a large building deep in the city, a myriad of electrical lines running to and from it.

This is the city's primary power plant. It houses an incredibly robust generator that is self-sustaining due to the unique materials used. Smaller versions of the generator exist that can be equipped to a person for mobile applications, with the downside of not generating nearly as much energy as well of having a limited capacity it can handle before they need to be allowed to purge their energy and go through a lengthy kick-starting process.

‘What are these mobile applications?’

I am very glad you asked. Eventually, the antithesis found Vulgora, and landed their first incursion here. The antithesis were not prepared for the natural weather conditions frying their air units or striking any tall Model or Hive structure they made. Most importantly, they weren’t prepared for a race that knew they were coming, and had technical knowledge on how to fight back.

A Vulgoran appeared in front of me, tcovered in brown colored body armor and a downright menacing looking rifle held in their clawed hands. Strapped to their back was a cylinder containing a flickering blue light and multiple spinning parts., As well as a cable stretching from the backpack into their handheld weapon.

They would use these generators and special emitters to effectively create their own lightning. This is a regular footsoldier. They could handle most Models within the first two tiers of antithesis. Electrically resistant Models or Models in the Twenties and up are handled by Vanguard. They are one of the few races that have managed to completely hold back the antithesis threat, and are completely thriving as a result. They have even made many advancements in genetics, medical science and-

A knock on the door practically made me jump out of my skin.

“Spark?” Summer’s muffled voice comes from the other side. “Are you okay? You’ve been in there for a long time and your ramen is getting cold.”

“I-I’m fine Summer!” I stutter out, forcing myself to my feet. “I’ll be out in a few moments!”

As I began to leave the restroom, a barebones structure of a personal doctrine inspired by the information Pyri gave me cemented itself into my being. Perhaps it was a coincidence, but this entire situation, all of today, dragged what I truly am out into the open.

I am an engineer.

I am a Samurai.

I am a girl.

Yet in the end I am still just... myself.

For I am Spark.