Julius sits in a sack. Held up by a holy knight of Salvatore’s Service. Being stared at by all of that knight’s friends. Their faces all wear a varied combination of zealous hate, greedy hunger, and Stoic glares. Julius’ eyes quiver, and one glows red as Willow whimpers mentally. “We’re totally fucked.”

Julius blinks, allowing his eyes to return to normal, and does what Julius does best. He fills the room with inane, irritating chatter. “Oh hi guysh! You know, I would like to shay it’sh good to shee you. I like your order myshelf. Alwaysh doing charity work and bettering the livesh of thoshe who cannot afford it. Your work on clearing monshter threatsh ish shecond to none in my eyesh. I mean shure, the monshter hunting groupsh are a lot better at killing monshtersh, but they way overcharge. You guysh do it for free! I really reshpect that! It’sh jusht…I get the feeling you’re trying to kill me. I mean, technically yesh I do count ash an undead. But I’m not doing anything wrong! I’ve even got papersh shigned by five sheperate governorsh asshuring that I’m a good boy and won’t hurt any shivilliansh.” Julius needs to take no breaths. He views punctuation as more of a suggested framework. So it isn’t abnormal for him to just keep going full steam. “Sho, I am really confushed why you have it in for me. I mean, I don’t have any evidenshe right now. But I shaw what you were planning to summon in thoshe woodsh. And I mean come on! How could you posshibly be alright with teaming up with thoshe mershenariesh. I mean, they’re all one misshed payment from common banditry. What’sh more, I cannot shtressh enough how idiotic your choishe to shummon greater hungersh wash. Your shircle wash sho shloppy that I guarantee you’d have had a ton of cashultiesh from not sho friendly fire. The worsht part was that you shtarted that summoning next to a shtage two goblin warren! I know for a fact that should your ritual have triggered ash deshingned sheveral hungersh would have gone in. Thush waking the warren and unleashing a tide of goblinsh from that valley to the nearesht three cshities. including this one–well, I asshume I’m shtill in Felfort. That box ish particularly shtifiling.”

The knight holding his bag shakes it in an attempt to silence the verbal fire hose dumping into his mind.

“Oh-whoa, don’t do that, I get dizzy and my patella jusht hit my jaw! Alsho what ish up with that not-shquirril? Why did it change into a Feliadain and what wash with thoshe shtitchesh? I mean, I know that wasn’t fleshcraft. That looksh different and I could tell. Where ish the shquirril-cat lady? She kidnapped me after all. Now, really, I can’t fathom why you keep targeting me. You know that illegal shircle alone might get your order banned from thish town. Not to mentshion working with the Crimshon Shades, washi’nt the brightesht idea either. I mean, we had a guild contract to take them down. By asshoshiating with them, you’ve all but killed thish branch of your order. You may even have jepordished the whole order. Sho how ish your god ok with thish? Anyway, ish there any chanshe you can let me out of thish bag–ooh argh!”

The knight once again shakes the bag. This time with great vigor and an intimidating growl.

“Hey! Shtop that! I’m shtarting to undershtand what it feelsh like to get shkull humped by a shkeletal horshe. Sherioushly guysh, jusht let me out of the bag, and we can talk about what put your veshtmentsh in a bunch. I mean, how would you like it if your hand was shtuck inshide your pelvish and your coccyx wash tickling your toesh? And yesh, before you ashk, I am ticklish. Pleashe don’t ushe that ash shome form of torture though. Your company ish more than enough. And it would be weird for both of–Oh no! Not the box again! Pleashe no! I’ll shut up! Probabl–Ow, hey that hur–.”

The free hand of Julius’ captor slams the lid back open and tosses him back inside roughly and slams the lid. “I think it would be better for the box to be brought to the Primus Mallus’ lab directly, rather than forcing the guards to endure five minutes of that each way.” Every single member of the group nods and agrees. They grab the chest and begin to walk.

From the crowd, a small mumble breaks the silence. “I dunno why we didn’t do that in the first place.”

The knight sighs. Tavish hated talkative prisoners. He much preferred the unthinking, unfeeling beasts. “Because the Primus wanted to test its reaction to being released from the box. The chances of it being able to cast something in its current state is unlikely, but the Primus wanted a full squad to be there in the chance the Abomination could try anything. Now hurry up. My hands feel dirty from handling this monster. I want to do a whole purification ritual before I touch anything else. By Abithan’s scalpel, I need a nap.”

***

Sasha glares at Rick from under her hood. He knows how much she hates talking. Everyone always wants to talk, to take, to bother her. Why can’t they just be quiet? Isn’t what happened obvious? She sighs, and begins anyway. “Was bored. Had unlocked and relocked cell door twenty times. Was really getting to understand model. Got picking it down to four seconds without tools.” Maruze was making an outraged choking sound. Sasha glared and pointed at him. “No questions. Ask after story. Less stupid interruptions. Julius was chattering at us. Big Moe was mad. Julius went quiet mid-sentence after talking about squirrels again. Also said something about not being a squirrel and getting bigger. Then mentioned that they were casting a spell, then silence. Big Moe freaking out, grabbed me. I don’t like. I unlock cell again, we go find Julius. Noisy prisoner spoke to us. Big Moe checks Julius room. Walks into silence spell. Now all prisoners noisy. Want out. Stupid fools. Don’t realize we’d just be forced to capture them again. Guards coming. Big Moe can’t hear. Looks drunk. Guards surround, and I slip behind him. Big Moe raises hands, palms open. Probably to defuse situation. Guards don’t notice silence spell. Mouths moving, weapons jabbing. One idiot tries to gesture with crossbow. Shoots Moe in the leg. Guards pile in on Big Moe. I don’t want touched. Want to investigate. I drop smoke bomb that stupid guards missed. I hide, I not tell where. Might need trick again. Guards realize room is silenced. Drag Big Moe away. I search for evidence. Find scrape marks of box or crate under Julius bag hook. Find animal hairs. Find strange warping on wall. I think Not-Squirrel went through stone to escape. Wall on far side leads to courtyard. Was tempted to follow. Worried about Big Moe. Still not woken up. Might be brain shock. Needs healer.” Finally done. Sasha enjoys her blessed silence. She moves behind Krop and pulls out a wine-skin and apple. Washing away all those words from her mouth and chasing them with bites from the apple.

One of the clerks blinks at her food and then checks his belt, where a pouch and empty loop sit. “Hey, she stole my lunch!”

Rick chuckles. “Tough shake mate. She does that when she thinks you’re being stupid. Tell me, what were you talking about before we arrived?”

The clerk blushes. “I was-um, saying that I was looking forward to you criminals being hanged for breaking out and making us look bad.”

Rick eyes him. He didn’t put any particular effort into it. Just looking him over in silence. Still, over the next few sentences many of the guards began to remember that this affable, tiny, figure was rumored to have slain more men than lived in this city. Finally, just as Maruze was about to break the silence, Rick spoke again. “Seems right fair to me then. So then, captain. As the lass said, they never intended to break out. In fact, it appears they were exercising their rights under the Adventuring Exemption Code's subsection 3.5 the Probable Danger bylaw. You know the one, mate. The one that states that if they believe lives are endangered, they can free themselves to attempt to save said lives, so long as they remand themselves back into custody as soon as they are able.

Maruze glares back. “I don’t remember her turning herself in.”

Rick chuckles. “She just did. Sasha, will you go back to your cell now that you’ve given your report.”

Sasha glares at him. Again! He wants her to talk again. “If I have to. I’d prefer to point out exit point, track Julius, and be conscripted. Jail is boring.”

Rick nods and looks at the captain. “Well Maruze, what’s it going to be?”

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Maruze frowns. “She can show us where the stones have been altered. But I refuse to allow her freedom. If she goes back to her friend, and they remain in place, I will assume that they were operating in good faith. I remind you that she isn’t under the conscription and was free to lie.” He holds up a hand as Rick frowns. “In return, I’ll allow the rest of your party to conduct a search. Furthermore, I will summon another lock breaker and pugilist to assist you. Lastly, I will send an official to smooth future issues and report on your progress. I will also summon a healer for Mr. Borbigmos.

Rick looks back at Sasha and shrugs. Sorry lass, but you did get yourself arrested. Best you do what he says where you can, or your stay will be a lot longer.

She sniffs dismissively, then pokes Maruze’s breastplate. “Fine. Don’t fuck it up, or I’ll steal job.”

Maruze inhales in order to return fire at the scum who thought to judge him, then pauses as the strange phrase registers. “Steal job? You mean take my job.” He releases a scornful snort. “The city would never hire a vagrant marauder like yourself. Are you even literate?”

Rick chuckles. “Mate, she’s foreign and hates talking. Not dumb. As for her threat. She’d never waste her potential as a guard. Yeah nah, bloke. She’s saying she’ll destroy any chance at retaining your job or gaining any other job like it.” he stroked his sword hilt and continued. “I’ve seen her take down corrupt officials before. Imagine the worst, most dastardly things a thief can do, and forget them. She’s better than that. I mean, bloke, you didn’t even realize she was watching you look for her from this room. She’d had more than enough time to plant a dagger in your spine, escape, or falsify any document in here.” He raises a forestalling hand. “Yeah, I get it, you don’t bend to threats. Look mate, you’ve recaptured all escapees remaining on the premises and what’s more you’ve secured their willing cooperation in finding the last escapee. Take the win, bloke.”

Captain Maruze grits his teeth. Then grits them harder. He hates adventurers. The entitled way the law excludes them from itself. The fact that, in no other situation, would an involved party be allowed into an investigation. The way that they had just shrugged off the fact that she had just threatened a government official. Then, her friend had expanded the threat, and then the barbaric monster had the gall to act like his friend and act like the fiasco that was obviously his party’s fault was a ‘win.’ His teeth grind audibly as he nods and waves for them to lead the way. As they pass, he commands the scribe nearby. “Fetch an Auger. I wish to verify their results.” He turns and walks after them, his boots releasing a perfectly controlled clacking clop with each uniformly timed step.

As they near the secure storage vault that he’d decided to place that troublesome undead monstrosity inside. He hears that murderous pixie talking to the thief. “Good find, Sasha, no way stone looks like that naturally. Look at the striations, it looks like a glassblower’s art. That thing they do where they swirl in a new color. Classic evidence of earth magic warping.” He turns to Maruze. “What’s on the other side of this wall?”

Maruze frowns. “After about three feet of stone wall? Ten feet of courtyard and another stone wall. That wall is the boundary to the property.”

“Well then, let’s go see if they got out there. You know bloke. Running metal struts in the stone walls completely buggers Stonecraft. That, and it strengthens walls. Just a suggestion to prevent this.”

Maruze puts his hand to the haft of his hammer. “Not until the prisoner returns to her cell as agreed.”

Rick rolls his eyes. “Sorry lass. This is as far as you go. Never fear, I’ll get them back. Now go be a good little citizen and wait for your release.”

Sasha stares balefully at Maruze for an uncomfortable amount of time. Her hands twitch once, twice. Curling into fists as she turns and silently returns to Borbigmos’ bedside.

Rick sighs. “Mate, you really catch more fairies with honey and song than bile and snarls. I get it. I really do. I’ve seen what happens when adventurer’s go bad. But seriously, you keep this attitude, and you won’t stop the bad ones. You’ll just make the good ones wait till after the bad ones kill you to step in.”

Maruze glares right back. “It’s not my job to investigate. It’s not even my job to help you. I’m here to make damn sure anyone staying here, stays here. I care nothing for your needs, scum. The fact is that your friends have already shown that they lack the judgment to avoid getting into trouble. The way I see it, there’s nothing stopping you all from breaking the conscription rules except your own judgment. Of which I’ve just demonstrated, you seem to inherently lack. So you can fuck off with your god's blasted diplomacy. Do your meddling forced job, and bring your final truant back to his cell! I don’t care if it was kidnapped. If you monsters didn’t keep causing disasters to spawn, you wouldn’t have enemies. Now let’s finish this investigation so that you can charge off like the rabid dog you are, and I can go get demoted by the investigations for the impossible crime of failing to manage the pure incarnations of chaos that are adventurers.”

The world seems to crystallize. The tension of the guards is so taut and stiff, that even the thought of breathing feels like it might shatter them. All the guards know that the tiny figure before them could kill them without breaking a sweat. That he’s an ancient murderer with more blood on his hands than the rest of the prison combined. Maruze glares, seemingly unafraid. Or just so angrily defiant that self-preservation was a worse fate than speaking his mind. All eyes focus on the Death Mote as his tiny gauntlets raise to his helm and remove it to reveal his manic grin, mussed green hair, pointy ears and white irises. “Now look here, Clanker. If we were the impulsive monsters you claim, everyone here would be dead. So, how ‘bout you try pulling that stick out of your crack and stop trying to blame others for the world being shit? The only people you hurt with those words are those who are trying to do their job. Now I’m gonna go save a victim who didn’t intend to run. Or, for that matter, cause trouble. Then, I’m going to capture or, failing that, kill those who actually broke the law. Finally, I’m going to do your job and replace your missing prisoner, who’s probably going to be grateful for the return.” His smile sharpened until it became the baring of a predator's teeth. Then I’m going to report exactly what happened, word for word. Lastly, I am going to suggest you are removed from your post. But not out of pettiness. Yeah nah, I’m going to do it because you can’t be objective with that much hate in you. You probably think you treat your inmates with more consideration than they deserve. But that’s the problem, mate. Giving them what they deserve also isn't your job. Nah, your job is to keep this place running. Using your judgment to keep everyone safe and secure and bloke. After running your mouth like that, you’ve definitely proven that you lack the wisdom the gods gave a satyr.

Rick replaced his helm and sighed. “Tell the help you’re assigning me to meet me outside the wall. We’re going to find where they got out, then gather the rest of my…non-arrested party to track Julius.”

Maruze’s glare has turned to sneer. Without answering, he turns to a guard. “Rothschild, I’ve no more time for this. Please escort the conscripts while they are on the grounds, I will ensure that the others know where they intend to meet.” His steps, still perfectly measured and precise, now strike with more force. Before they’d emitted a clack, clack, clack. Now they sounded with a crack, crack, crack.

The guards and the adventurers sit in silence. Letting the tension drain. Finally, it’s broken. “Hwwwrrk, He seems like a nice boss.”

Rick twitches and blurts a curse. “Rakkin frog! I completely forgot you were there, mate. Make a little noise next time!”

Krop shrugs. “Hwoorok, you did tell me not to respond to threats and let you take the lead. Did you think I would attack him for being an asshole?”

Rick shakes his head. “Yeah nah, I was more worried about them trying to arrest us in the beginning. I was worried that you’d draw your ax if they ordered our arrest. These boys are trained just like you. Handle threats immediately, let an investigation sort it out after. If we’d touched our weapons, they would have been forced to attack.”

Krop looks thoughtful. His throat pouch grows and shrinks gently as he hums. “Ah, I see. But I think you misunderstand what I take as threats. A guardsman arresting me is no threat. Notice I was not arrested when the others got caught. Hrwoooak, my people respect lawmen and I would have surrendered my weapon. It’s threats we treat seriously. Crrruwwwk, If a guardsman says he’s going to beat me while I’m in custody, I’ll break his neck. If Captain popsicle back there tried to knife you, I’d have cut him in half. But attacking a lawful official in the execution of his duties? No.”

Rick tilts his head. “That’s fair. Rothschild, is it? Can I see the other side of this wall now? Oh, and can you send a runner to the guildhall for a witch named Candii? Can you tell her that the skeleton’s been kidnapped, and we’re being conscripted? Krop, where is Carrie-Anne?”

Krop blinks, then looks around and realizes that the bird has not returned like he’d asked, and he swears.