23.

The showers had a nice feature that I had never experienced before. Unending hot water. There was something soothing about letting the water scour me, the blood flowing off of me in red eddies and swirling around the drain in the ground. I stared at those red swirls, as the water slowly diluted the unknown man’s blood until it disappeared. Until I was clean.

The water fell from the ceiling like a waterfall, a pounding weight that had caused more than one person to stagger back. Built like a high school locker room, it was just a wide open rectangle with a few dozen spouts in the ceiling. If you stood under a spout, water would flow out, always the perfect temperature. I didn’t know how, the library had been empty of information on how the showers worked. I had never experienced a hotter shower, though, and I don’t know what that said about me.

Was some distant, quiet, muffled part of me ashamed of what I’d done? Did that tendril of humanity cry out for punishment? Was that why my skin was looking lobster red under the pounding water? Did it matter? I did what needed to be done. Right? He had to die. I had to do it. I NEEDED to show them my strength. That I could protect them.

That anger though. That rage. My vision had blurred red, I had heard nothing but the sounds of bones breaking. My own heaving breaths. It felt so good. To let loose, to let that anger have an outlet. The fear, the uncertainty, the pressure. All of it. Everything I had compressed deep down inside of myself. As I killed that man. As I broke him. It. Felt. Good.

What did that make me?

“Billy? You ok?” Bobby’s voice echoed in the washroom. The thick steam that filled every inch of the room swirled as a door was open. A cold breeze flowed through, a respite from the heat of the room. A shadow was in the haze, just staying outside of the range of the spouts.

“I’m fine.”

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“You don’t sound fine.”

“I’ve never killed a man before.”

“Yeah.” Bobby fell silent, leaving only the sound of the falling water breaking upon me and the floor. What did one say to that? I could understand her hesitance. Did I even want comfort? Did I want to be punished? Part of me did, I think. The rest though. The rest of me was monstrous. I didn’t care. Not really. A dead man was nothing but ash and cinder now. His body fueling the fort for a few extra hours. Fueling this exorbitantly long shower I was taking.

“How should I feel? I think I should feel bad. I don’t though.”

“If we were back home, you should feel shame and regret and a thousand other things,” Bobby’s voice was closer, the steam thinning as the cool air from the outside flowed in.

“We aren’t back home though. We’re going to have to do things here that would see us in prison back home. We would have people screaming at us, calling us monsters and psychopaths and narcissists. They’d pile their hate upon us, I have no doubt,” Bobby's voice was steady, as if she was giving a lecture on why wasting water was bad for the environment.

“So? That doesn’t answer my question.”

“I can’t answer your question. Billy, we’ll all be doing dirty and difficult things. I want to live, Billy. And I’m willing to be monstrous to do it. Figure out your feelings later, when we’re safe. When we don’t have to worry about oversize fucking fish eating us,” she never raised her voice. Just a steady stream of pure, rock hard conviction. How could I compare to this? Doubt gnawed at me. How could I be a leader? I was shit at this.

“Do you want to lead us, Billy?”

“I don’t want to have to scrape and bow for anyone anymore. If that means I have to take charge, well…” I let myself trail off.

“I don’t want to be put in a compromised position. Billy, you’re big and strong and have a bit of a ruthless streak in you. We need that right now. Everyone out here is scared. They need someone to stand up and tell them they’ll be safe. I don’t want it, Agatha doesn’t, and Miguel really doesn’t. So you need to get this shit figured out.”

“Did you happen to bring me fresh clothes? Mine were a bit dirty.”

“I did. Also brought you a fresh healing draught. You got hit quite a bit.”

“He wasn’t strong enough to really hurt me. Just pain, nothing broken.”

“Well, take it anyway. Then get your ass dressed and come tell everyone you’ll get them through this.”

Bobby left and the refreshing cool breeze disappeared left with her. Really wasn’t the best at motivational speeches. Neither was I, but damn. Suck it up and get to work. Well, I could do that.