I was still gasping for air as I snapped awake in that dark room, but there was no water around me. There were no eyes staring back at me from the shadows, and those cries were only within my mind.

I rolled over, vomiting into the trashcan placed there next to my bed. Mostly pale liquid came out. Days must’ve passed since I ate any real meal, but even so, I had no appetite.

I didn’t deserve to eat.

Tiny hands desperately clawing for me to save them, but I couldn’t reach. I was too weak, too late, too…

I knew this was coming, yet I still wasted all that time back on the carrier. There must’ve been something I could’ve done different. Something I could’ve done to save them all…

My eyes fell to the knife that lay there besides me, a mere arm’s reach away. Would I get another chance if I died again? Would I be back there, vomiting awake on the carrier instead?

I stared at its sharp blade, only to sink back into my pillow with a despairing sigh. Even if I would return, I was too much of a coward to find out.

After all this time, I still wanted to live. And so had they. The terrified kids clawing for air as eyeless monsters darted their way.

My comrades back then had probably wanted to live as well.

I’d abandoned them, too.

“Fuck…” I rubbed my face with a groan. At least I knew how to live with the guilt by now. Though, a strong drink would certainly help…

Not that I could allow myself to sink back into that mire.

Most people who died didn’t get a second chance at life, and I’d almost squandered mine. I need to be stronger than this. Smarter. I can’t keep being this much of a fuck up…

Then again, what could I have done?

I thought about the BROW/WING’s crew, the heavy Chargers, and the carrier itself. All of them had been blown around like leaves in the wind by stronger forces. Even the old me would’ve, at best, been able to pull a couple more kids out of the lake.

Against the Tempestalker or Nebula Serpent, however?

The old me had been a cockroach, only good at surviving on my own. And now, I couldn’t even trust my memories anymore.

Closing my eyes, the faint image of a golden soldier appeared to my mind’s eye. The more I tried to focus on it, the vaguer it became. I wasn’t sure where it came from, nor why it felt so perfect. All I knew was that my current trajectory wouldn’t bring me closer to it.

Was going to the academy the right choice?

Even if I went there and aced every class and test they threw my way, even if I became the best recruit they’d ever seen, would that achieve anything?

There was an entire future I needed to prevent, and even if I excelled at the Academy, an eleven year old conscript locked under the lowest levels of a galactic super-power would only be able to do so much.

It would be slow, wasting years I couldn’t afford. But if I took a few years to get stronger by myself, if I secured funds of my own before—

A knock on the door caused me to snap upright.

I hadn’t heard a single footstep approaching, yet now, Celian’s voice carried inside, “I brought you dinner.”

He must’ve known that I was awake. Mental protection. I need to get some mental protection as…

“Come in,” I called out, slipping my feet over the corner of the bed.

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

My room was still a mess – shredded linen, overturned furniture, and broken wood from my earlier fit of rage – but I didn’t bother hiding any of it. Celian would already have sensed the fluctuation in my emotional state, and I’d only embarrass myself further trying to deny it.

So, I let the patter of rain against the window fill the silence as he opened the door. It was still dark outside, save a few lights scattered here and there illuminating the outpost outside. I doubted even a hundred people lived here at any one time.

I could’ve asked Celian, but my focus lay on the tray he now carried over. It held a bowl with some sludgy looking soup, and although my appetite had yet to return, my body needed it.

The spoon was in my hand the moment it came into reach, and although I knew that some question was inevitably coming, the words Celian spoke caught me off guard, “I noticed that you’ve lost your glasses.”

It made me pause; that first bite halfway to my mouth.

Then, I gave a slight nod. “Blind as a bat,” I said, waving my other hand before my eyes.

Even as I’d been fine leaving it at that, I could feel Celian’s gaze as I shoved the spoonful into my mouth. Salty. It was mostly salty and preserved tasting.

“Was it the hyperbole or the metaphor you didn’t get?” I asked while chewing, once more reminded how straightforward the Luminesari could be.

“Neither,” Celian said, seeming not to have caught the pike either. “I was just wondering who gave you those glasses. During my examinations of you, I happened to discover that it’s no normal eye condition that you have.”

Not normal?

Looking up at him, I supposed my joke about being blind as a bat wasn’t as much of an exaggeration as I would’ve liked. All I could see of his face were the colors of his shifting tattoos, but they told me more than his expression would’ve anyway.

He was observing me with faint curiosity, akin to a riddle you stumble upon but can’t quite solve. There was some slight regret there as well, over the fact that he’d promised not to freely probe around in my mind.

“My mom.” I shrugged, still eating. “I got them after my sixth—” or was it seventh? “—birthday a few years back as my eyesight started to decline. A bit young to turn blind, sure, but I’m fine as long as I wear the glasses.”

Truth be told, it didn’t bother me that much beyond being a slight inconvenience. In my previous life, I’d gotten the mods to fix them before I turned fifteen, and I was planning to do the same in this life.

Maybe even sooner, actually.

Celian, however, remained quiet.

For a second, I even wondered if he was trying to access my records through the System, and I felt just a bit smug if that was the case. I could even blame it on the crashed carrier or this planet’s atmospheric interference if there was nothing to be found about a certain ‘Nyamien Yerak Astera’.

“I see,” Celian finally said, the colors on his face briefly changing. I was too focused on my soup to try and deduce what it meant. “I’ll try and procure you some new eye-wear for you then. It might take a few days as, considering our circumstances, I’ll have to make them myself.”

The proclamation that he could make glasses on his own didn’t even phase me. Although most Luminesari never bothered pursuing the mundane arts of crafting things with their hands, those who did took it to the extremes. Celian struck me like the latter. A few of the medical equipment downstairs had looked alien enough.

“Thanks,” I said, but as he kept lingering within the room, I continued, “Anything more you wanted to say?”

Once more, his words caught me off guard.

“No, but I believe you have some questions for me.”

I hesitated, before asking, “Am I free to move around the outpost as I wish?”

“Yes. You’re even free to leave its boundaries if you so please, though I would not advise it. That is all I’m obliged to do, however: advice. For while you are technically under my supervision – as an auxiliary of the Astral Fleet – I’m not bound to it to the point it has to infringe upon either of our autonomy. As long as it does not occur within the confines of this infirmary, that is. Here, I’ll have to politely request that you stick to normal civil conduct, and that you refrain from breaking any more of the furniture.”

Point taken…

“Was there anything else?” I still asked as Celian remained without showing any signs of leaving.

“Was there?”

“She’s awake, isn’t she?” I sighed. The silence that followed was telling enough, but I had no clue what to say to her. Should I thank her? Apologize? Lie and say that everything would be fine?

In the end, I just shook my head.

“Not now,” I said. “I’ll talk to her later. I…need to clear my thoughts first.”

Myla needed a friend to rely on, but I couldn’t fulfill that role. She still thought I was Nyamien, a child just like her. I was no longer the boy she once knew, and I couldn’t pretend to be either. I’d already deceived her in ways she didn’t deserve.

Myla deserved better. Maybe she even deserved the truth.

I needed to think about that, too.

𐫰 𐫰 𐫰

Her room lay in darkness, cut through only by the occasional flash of lightning that thundered outside the rain-streaked window.

Each time its rumbling echoes filled her ears, the little girl flinched where she sat huddled up in her bed, shivering as she squeezed that stuffed rabbit — singed and tattered — tighter against her chest.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she sniveled. “I-I’m sure she’s smiling wherever she is. S-she must be. Isn’t that right, H-Happy…?”

Though, had I only been faster, she might’ve still been here, smiling with us…

Helplessly sobbing, the little girl broke down crying.

Meditation 1 > 2

Mental Fortitude 2 > 3