“Ha!” roared Rod all of a sudden, “You must admit then that I am truly ahead of the curve. I have always been developmentally more advanced than the both of you. Can you deny it now, when the truth has been laid so plain to bear? Aleku, you once defended so adamantly your position on monogamy that the big ol’ green vein almost popped out of that big ol’ bald head of yours. I can only marvel at your maturity in realising the futility in holding such dogmatic and, dare I say, dangerous beliefs. Dare I say it further, comrade (and I am only being ironic in my use of that colloquial term), that the belief in monogamy is the most poisonous of all.”
“Please do explain,” grunted Aleku over the ruffling sound of bed sheets. “I have been to many more countries than you, and so I can think of many things that are much more dangerous than monogamy.”
“I guess you’ve got a lot still to learn,” commented Rod, his hands buried into the pockets of his joggers.
“Always the contrarian,” replied Aleku, half-distractedly.
“Aleku, don’t act like you don’t agree with me.”
“I have just taken to the position that monogamy is false, pseudoscientific belief; you must give me time yet to clamber up the hill of truth.”
“Here,” said Rod, raising his chin up to the sky and stretching out his arms widely, “I will help you surmount this hill.”
“No, I can do it myself, thank you very much. I suppose, if I were to think about it from the perspective of an autistic man like yourself-”
“You needn’t think so out of the box, Aleku,” teased Rod, “you must consult a doctor before you start a new exercise regime. What? You asked for medical advice, did you not? I am giving it to you.”
“...as I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me...I suppose monogamy can-”
“Can what? Aleku?”
“Can you let me finish! This is why I hated arguing with you,” snapped Aleku, his breathing rapid and hoarse.
“No, if I remember correctly, Aleku, you seethed so much each time we argued because you simply were bad at it,” Rod said, pointing a finger up in air like an intellectual. He smirked.
Aleku breathed in deeply and waited a moment before continuing. After a pause, he said, “Monogamy is a terrible thing because it rests on the fundamental proposition that one is ‘meant’, or rather, ‘bound’ to a relationship with just one person. But why? Perhaps in the olden days marriage was conducted out of economic and political necessity, but in this day and age there is no need for such ceremony; somewhere along the way marriage was conflated with romantic love and passion, and since that day we have not all been doomed under that most insidious ideological spell. Yes, yes, Judeo-Christian ethics had something to do with it but that was still at the end of the day an institutional method of population control, rather than anything fundamentally based on natural principles. I truly say, my good friend, that once I freed myself from the confines of monogamy and embraced polygamy, my life has never been better.”
“I could not go as far as that, Aleku. ‘Polygamy’? The idea of sharing a woman is completely absurd to me.”
“Sharing a woman? A woman is not a piece of property, my good friend. You really have backward ideas. Once I realised that women are not things, but rather human beings like me, I could throw of the shackles of inceldom and embrace the natural order of things. Tell me, Rod, why do you think you struggle so much with women? It is because you think of them as extensions of your ego, rather than separate entities like yourself. You really must stop thinking like you used to think in highschool. What is a woman, anyway? A woman is no different from a man when you think about it. Woman? Man? All are just words at the end of the day. What is ‘day’? A word!”
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Rod stopped suddenly, his eyes widening with shock and his lips curling in disgust. “Aleku, stop talking like that. You never used to talk like this. What has happened to you? What has happened to the AlekuI knew for over a decade? The Aleku who was a racist, sexist pig? For as long as I have known you, since the day I corrupted you (or rather you corrupted me), you have said the most hateful, spiteful things known to man; but this? This is incomprehensibly out of character for you.”
“Ah, my good friend Rod, that is where you are wrong. Those who stay your friend for so long become as bitter as you in that cocoon: it was those who did not fall for your honey trap who prospered into butterflies.” And the businessman fell into a terrible coughing fit which lasted for over two minutes.
One could almost imagine him at that moment burning bright red like a tomato. There was the sound of several foreign women talking in the background, and their accents reminded the listener of his first year at university, when he had made his first ever friendship circle since highschool. How pleasant was hearing that Eastern European accent! And how euphoric it was hearing the conversations of a group of close friends – much more euphoric than having them speak to him, he honestly thought. A group of close friends of both genders, who treated him compassionately and kindly – that was what he truly wanted. He imagined himself there among them, standing or sitting there quietly, wearing a stupid self-satisfied smile on his face – enjoying the company of those he had longed to be with all his life, ever since the incident when he was 11; the company which was in fact denied him. He pictured himself laughing and being jovial with them, hugging them and holding hands with them, playing dress up with them and wearing makeup with them – and generally just loving life with them; all of this that he had missed by unfortunately resorting to a friendship with Aleku and Jam in highschool. Oh, if he could go back and change this – if he could have escaped their trap! Had he not pitied Jam and befriended him, had he not found in his behaviour a behaviour like his own, had he not been so attracted to his difference – to his humour! Had he refused entry to Jam’s friendship, and subsequently Aleku, then he would be so happy right now, and he would be enjoying the company of beautiful women and supportive friends. He would have had several romantic liaisons and been to countless house parties by now. He would have been popular. He would still be popular. Women would want to be with him and men would want to be him. What a great service Aleku and Jam did for him to negate all that! As he thought of what they did for him, he wiped his face of the emerging bubbles of tears from his face. As it stood, he was a pariah. His knees wobbled and he fell onto the cracked concrete, and said, breathlessly, “you used the Systemcare to change your personality, didn’t you? Didn’t you?”
“Me? Use Systemcare for my own personal benefit? Did you know that the development of that was taxpayer funded? Don’t be absurd, Rod,” answered Aleku.
“It truly works, then? It isn’t just a rumour. The system really can be used to change personalities. And the procedure must not be so dangerous as you make it out to be considering you used it yourself. Why are you so shy about me using it?”
“Pah! My boy, it’s a vastly expensive enterprise – too vastly for you! And besides, do you think I would risk it on you? It’s a very dangerous business. The legal ramifications could destroy whole nations.”
“Listen, Aleku,” Rod said, fighting back tears, “you-you have to let me use it. Oh, Aleku, my life could finally change.” He thrust his fists into his chest and began to cry pitifully. “You have to let me use it Aleku, please. Let me change my personality so that I can get her back. Please, Aleku, please!”
“Don’t be so pathetic, Rod. It was a drunken decision, you see. One night I was wondering what it would be like to change my personality is all. I wanted to be popular as well, and a lifetime of being your friend had eroded all my social skills and chances that I had to resort to technology to help me fix it. It was a wretched decision, really. It could have opened me up to all sorts of liability. Didn’t I tell you it was taxpayer funded? The systemcare isn’t supposed to be used for cosmetic surgeries which a use like this fits under, unfortunately. Ever since I used it, however, my social status has risen exponentially. If word got out that it could be used like this...it would destroy whole economies; the world would never be the same. People, and by ‘people’ I mean regular people (not like you) would certainly ban it because it completely upends the status quo. Imagine a person like you gaining that which nature intended you to never have? It is a very good thing that I tested it drunkenly because else my sober curiosity would have led to me testing it on someone else like you. So, to tell you the truth, my good friend, I have used it and it does work but I cannot extend the same help I showed to myself to you.”
“Why not?” cried Rod.
“These things are best worked out the old-fashioned way. What can I say? I am a conservative at heart.”