What a shitty day that was the one before. After convincing myself it was just bad luck I tried to go play a different game, one that had different monsters and that was not so flashy. I was talking about Extreme Supreme Duper Super Hyper Hunter United Unite, a very old entry in the main-saga but the only one I had on the PXP besides Extreme Supreme Duper Super Hyper Hunter Portable Joestar, another game I couldn’t understand as it was in Japanese.
In United Unite the monsters wouldn’t suddenly go and blast the floor making it turn into ice that could explode in any moment and they won’t fire lasers all of a sudden, even though there are some monsters that will fire lasers… but not all of a sudden, they won’t just go “I’m firing mah lazor” all over the place.
I started the game, skipped the FMV cutscene that greeted me every time before the Title Screen and went to load my game.
“Man do I have lots of hours invested into this one, not even Frontier G8 could go over this” Yes, they were over 500 hours so I knew the game almost like the palm of my hand. I searched for my equipment. All this need of having to use Guts and AoE Heals and shaz sure made me wish to have them in United Unite, but that would just be a waste of skills. Guts is still present in this game as is the Wide-Effect Healing skill but they are not as useful as in Frontier G8. Only a few monsters need Guts at all, and Wide-Effect Healing isn’t really all that needed because of the lack of Guts and insta-kills and combos.
I logged into adhocParty on my PX3 and after preparing my rockstar set –at least that’s what it looked like to me- I felt ready to just go and kick some easy asses. Fartalis armor could have been good but I really dislike the look of it, and because I’m a woman in the game the Pedostra, Chakantor and Bitchataur armors mixed into a very good looking rockstar kind of set. I call it that because when my friend used it on a male set, it really looked like that. I’d guess you could call it the Dio Brando Set.
The skills were… well, they changed depending on the weapon I used, but because I was using a Longsword I used Sharpness +1 which gave more sharpness to my weapon. Reckless Abandon +2 which made my critical chance rise by a 20% and Sharp Sword which made the sharpness of my weapon decrease slower, by a half I think.
So, this is good for me because my weapon could reach the maximum sharpness which is Purple, increasing my damage by a lot.
***XxXDankMasterofPuppetsXxX*** has entered the guild hall.
My name showed and other players acted happy, looks like they’ve been waiting for quite a bit. Let’s greet them first… I’ll activate voice-chat.
“So, hello!” I said.
They were, donkard, FrenchGuy and spacedandy13. Awkward names.
“Hahaha, yeah!” FrenchGuy typed, seemed like he didn’t want to speak.
“I need to do my Bargoth urgent” donkard said with a very manly voice.
“No, you’re in the wrong game. Bargoth is an exclusive Portable Joestar monster…” I answered.
“Is that so…? I see, sorry”
“No problem, it can be quite hard with all these games”
“Yeah… well, you see… my wife has been hitting me very hard recently” Wha-?
“Okay? Huh, so what are we hunting?”
“No, listen to me first. So my wife has been hitting me very hard recently and I don’t know what to do. Every time I come home from work she grabs her frying pan and starts hitting me in the butt, I really don’t know what to do. Have I done something wrong?” He answered with a furious tone, almost as if saying he would not forgive me if I told him I didn’t want to listen.
“You should tell me what have you done recently that might… make her angry?” I tried to start a conversation. “But first we should start a quest, an easy one so that we can listen to you and help you”
So we chose to hunt a Great Bangee, a very easy monster that lives in the Tundra. Do remember guys, this is United Unite.
“Every time I arrived at work I would just sit there and start doing my job, but it’s awkward. Aside from that I don’t remember doing anything bad. To be honest, I think she might have a craving for my popo”
“Your… popo?”
“Yes, and she might just want to just go and suck my popo”
“What do you mean by your popo exactly?”
“My ****”
“Aaaaaaand why do you have to reach that conclusion in the first place? How do you even think your solution will be to just think that? You should probably try to reach the actual truth, not show me your popo on the videocall screen” I answered angry.
“I see, you’re right. Yes” It must have meant something important to him to think it was something else other than his popo. “But if it’s not my popo, what is it then?”
“I don’t know. It could be anything, a woman can be hard at times” I tried to make him think instead of him making me do all the brainstorm.
“Meaning?”
“I’ll tell you a story that once happened when I was a child. So, when I was in elementary I used to play with this very hot girl. We happened to get along for many years and just when I was around 14 or so she finally confessed to me. Up until that part everything was going fine but you see, I just didn’t actually like her. I only liked her boobs, not her, I couldn’t just go and accept her for the pair of blangos she had on her. She got mad and punched me in the face, I couldn’t even answer back because she was a blangowoman of such proportions I couldn’t even see her face”
“So you mean her blangos were covering her whole face?”
“Yes, so I might have loved her for a reason other than her blangos, but because they were covering her face it was kind of impossible… oh, look, I spawned in the hidden area” Lucky me, I needed some Dragonboner Relics that would only spawn here.
“I see, yes. That seems like something a woman would get mad at even though it’s not your fault. A situation very similar happened to me too. I used to be a very hard delinquent back at the age of 16. By delinquent I meant actual robbing, not some pussy gang fights. Thankfully my crimes weren’t all that bad so the sentence was for 4 months and that’s it. When I got out I met my first real love, she looked at me and I also at her, and it was very good, oh yes. Those eyes, such bestiality in them, this is why I love this ga--”
“Please try to stick to your story” I told him.
“Okay, sorry, I got carried away. So I needed to blend into society again and started working on getting a work. As silly as it sounds, my whole routine used to be searching for the work that would feel comfortable for me and would make my life easier. I could finally find that spot in MrDonalds, it was a great place. Giving burgers to children made me feel really warm inside, and that very same day I realized that she was also working with me in that place” Oh! Unexpected results, what will this end like? For now let’s switch to a third person view of the story because I’m not an-okay-guy to keep this just with dialogue.
If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.
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“You are…” He tried to talk to her, but his words just wouldn’t come out.
“Oh, you’re the awkward guy that got out of prison aren’t ya? Oh yes, black guy sure got it tough huh? So, were you accused even though you were innocent here tough fella?”
“Huh?” The guy was extremely surprised with the tone the woman was talking to him, and the words she was using would not fit at all in a kind of workplace as MrDonalds. “I’m sorry, I must not… be the guy you’re searching for”
“Oh, don’t be silly! You are of course, you’re that ol’ nigger over there! Oh please, I was gonna visit my son but ‘cha big muscles guy needed to get out of that shit-hole. Oh good muscles, please, I’m gonna faint! Let me…”
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“I… see” I told him when he finally finished his story. That was a very useless third person panel. “That is certainly something that would make a woman faint. Wait! We’re not talking about fainting women here, we were talking about women that--- oh, look, there’s the Great Bangee” So yes, that was extremely awkward. And yet we’ve no clue to the reason her wife is denying him, and hitting him and stuff.
“So…”
“Yes, okay. Let us try a different approach here. She might not actually be mad at you but instead she might want something and to make her “not want it” she instead hits you, or something like that?” I wasn’t even sure about what to say.
“So you mean like, when you want a rare item in this game and the desire sensor just tells you NO in big letters, therefore you’re left alone with your stupid armor set and start hitting that monster but in lower ranks so you can make your fury go down?”
“Uh… kinda”
“Yes, I can understand that, but real life isn’t Portable Joestar” This isn’t Portable Joestar, this is United Unite. “Please do understand that”
“Yeah, you’re right”
There was a huge pause in between our exchange of dialogues from now on. The Great Bangee was about to die.
“Could it be…” He started talking. “Does she actually hate me, and so, she’s gone to another man and is actually hitting me so I hate her and divorce?” Ow man, that’s sure a rough one. “That’s too specific, but it isn’t impossible. Oh god, what should I do to confirm it?”
“Have you heard any strange sounds when you’re asleep? Like your wife getting out of bed or something like that? It might be… that she’s going out to do that”
“That?”
“Yes… that, the forbidden art of making children, but with another guy”
“UNTHINKABLE. IMPOSSIBLE. I’ve yet to even try that ninjutsu, how could she just go and leave me alone here while playing with some awkward guy at Portable Joestar!” Well, excuse me.
“Calm down, it’s only a possibility of the million. It doesn’t necessarily need to be true, man. Wait, look, the monster is limping. Should we capture it or---“ I stopped for a moment and looked at the screen of adhocParty only to see the hundreds of comments spacedandy13 had posted saying “CAPTURE, CAPTURE, CAPTURE”. And then, the millions of text messages FrenchGuy had somehow typed that said “Pussy her, pussy her, pussy her!”. Yeah, they were of course listening to the whole conversation and giving their thoughts about it, except for spacedandy13.
I scrolled down a bit to see the last message of spacedandy13 only to see it saying “I’m alone guys, what happened? And please stop talking, I cannot concentrate with you and my mom laughing at me on my back” Next moment he disconnected from the party both in adhocParty and in United Unite.
I was left with FrenchGuy and donkard. This was problematic, really. The only real guy has left the party now.
“Je suis le putte trappe!” So he was putting the trap, that’s what I guessed from his message at least.
“Let us not worry about the trap. The monster will enter the area soon, just stand near the trap and tranq him when he gets her-“
“It… can’t be!” Suddenly donkard started shouting. “A black guy, I can see him even though faintly, but he’s there! I saw him in the window. How could this be? Is it him? Could my wife really be putting me the diablos in my ass because of this black guy!?”
“Calm down, calm down! They do say black guys are hard to spot in darkness so that must be one reason why you should probably think that he’s about to steal your house, in which case you should probably worry more about your stuff and your live than this Great Bangee you probably don’t need!” If what he was saying is true, this could be two outcomes, and the worst is yet to be decided, the first can lead to a mental scar, but the second one could lead to him not being able to play Portable Joestar again!
“Do I call the police!? DO I 911 THE HECK OUT OF THEM!?” He typed in the second sentence as to not alarm the black guy outside.
“Of course you do! It’s the police’s job to deal with stuff that’s dark and grim!”
“I see, yes. I’ll go down and call the police right now. Wait here” I waited for around two minutes and then I started to hear screams.
“Oh man, what’s happening there” The videocam only showed me his room, the room of a fellow hunter. The door was open and from there a black guy showed up… clinging to the same hunter’s leg.
“SPARE ME, PLEASE! I SWEAR NOT TO DO IT!” Said the black guy.
“I won’t… NO I WON’T, GET THE HELL OUT YOU STUPID GAY RAPER! WHY DID YOU TOUCH MY BUTT, WHY DID YOU TRY TO ENTER MY HOUSE!”
“Wait, what?” I thought. I was surprised, and this whole situation was getting out of hand. “I’m sorry… but what?” I opened my eyes to this black guy trying to take donkard clothes off. “I’m… sorry” Those were my last words before I disconnected from the guild hall, the capture quest, the PSX and turned off the PX3… and went to sleep.
To this day I still wonder what happened to this supposed wife of donkard’s.
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This is what happens when I'm bored.