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A Hopeless Search
Dreams yet unspoken

Dreams yet unspoken

It was the 10th of October, winter was coming, and Bandhu was loving it!

He hated it till a few years earlier, it was so difficult to walk to the port from the house, not to mention winter made everything so bad.

He couldn’t even remember how many times he had to repair his boat and equipment due to ice accumulation. It was a huge money sink. He would hardly make a profit after being out in the sea for hours.

Not to mention the loss of workers!! It was such a waste. Every year two or three of his men died of hypothermia, frostbite, or all kinds of mumbo jumbo those doctors would feed him.

But oh praise the Emperor, praise his wisdom and foresight and his benevolence towards his people. Every time he would think about the things he has done for them, he’d be giddy with joy for a whole minute, saluting him in his heart.

All those insulated clothing, boots, and stuff to keep warm have helped so much. Not only do fewer of his men die now, but even more are dying to join him, and his business has expanded even more with all those mechanized tools.

He’s a proud owner of 5 boats now!

Only if the emperor could do something about the limited visibility and navigation problems…. but he was not an unreasonable man, and he’d never lampoon the Emperor for something which was clearly not possible.

And he’d never let anyone do it either.

He has never been much of a fighter, evident from the curve beneath his clothes around the stomach region, but he has a reputation around the area. He has been living here for 25 years now, and not a single person who doesn’t know him would call him with anything but Mishra Ji, as a form of respect.

So every time he heard someone bad mouth the emperor in public, he made sure to humiliate them as much as he could before he became the villain.

It was a delicate art, and he had mastered it.

Today was a special day. Randip Cartwright, that son of a bitch of a man who not only married in the family of Aurinko believers but also took the name of a woman after marriage saying it was for love (as if Bandhu was gonna believe that!), was coming to town, and Bandhu was gonna have his fun this year.

Every time he came, he’d gloat how much God had helped him and how Bandhu made the mistake of not marrying into one when he had the chance to all those 20 years ago.

But now he has the chance to gloat. He has kept his family name, his manliness, alive all these years and has occasional sex with his woman (he has heard how Randip’s woman has stopped all advances after they had their kid), and now he is richer than Randip can ever hope to be.

And he was gonna spread his happiness with a bunch of his friends in the local tavern.

He was in such a swell mood today and didn’t think it’d be dampened as soon as he entered the tavern. For he saw the ones he had grown to hate in these years and they were taking away one of his friends.

It was the bastards from the Inquisition.

“Release me!! I didn’t do anything!” his friend shouted. Flailing around in an attempt to escape the grasp of the order without trying to hit them.

“You are being detained for spreading falsehoods about Our Lord and attempting to convert people against him. We have collected evidence which will be read in front of the public on 25th of October at your execution.” one of the members said, declaring to the public.

“RELEASE ME!!” he shouted in a pitch, which Bandhu never expected out of him.

“Stay quiet or we won’t be so polite!” one of those bastards hit him in the head and snapped. Bandhu could see someone almost getting up to fight these bastards but was held back by his friends. It was a wise choice, Bandhu thought.

“HIT ME ALL YOU WANT! BUT THE GOD I BELIEVE IS NOT THE ONE YOU ENFORCE, BUT THE ONE I CHOOSE!!”

That was the last straw for the order and he was beaten black and blue before being dragged out, followed by a trail of red blood. The tavern was quiet and the only noise around was the grinding of teeth and clenching of fists as we all stood at our place frozen, and helpless.

“Fucking bastards!" The sound of a fist hitting a table broke the silence and with it came an uproar of curses.

“Fuckers think they are so much better than us just cause they were lucky!”

“They gotten so old they even forgot human decency!”

“I’d have fucked their moms if they were still alive!!”

“ENOUGH!” The shout from the bartended stopped everyone where they were and reminded them of the reality. There’s no point in all these curses, the church and those bastards would still be above them, and they’d still have to bow their heads in front of them.

Soon enough everyone ordered another round of shots and drowned their grieves and fear in alcohol.

Bandhu didn’t feel like drinking anymore. He wanted to go back home and feel the embrace of his woman and release this pent-up frustration.

So with a wave towards his friends, he turned back and walked out of the tavern. He distanced himself from the trail and took a different path to his home.

As he walked, he couldn’t help but have a fleeting hopeful thought,

Only if they could disappear someday, wouldn’t that be great…

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It was the 15th of October, and the atmosphere in the carriage was grim. No one said a word but we all knew it, someone was targeting the higher-ups of the order and they have been successful.

In the last 2 plus weeks, there have been repeated attacks against captains, majors, and even the deputy chiefs of three empires, including ours. Some of them were assaults at home, some in transit. Some we didn’t even know happened before it did, and some turned violent really quick.

It was a violent and all-out attack against the church, and we were helpless against it. The chain of command was shattered, and more and more of our responsibilities were transferred to the police forces and the new forces that popped out of nowhere, designed to hold the fort with specific locations in mind.

The chief of the order was in hiding and it was rumored he had barricaded himself with his family in the basement of the Holy headquarters of Hoita Elysium along with many cardinals, and the pope.

We were still working on our last orders and trying to keep each other safe. Strangely enough, they don’t seem to be targeting anyone below the rank of captain so we haven’t taken any drastic measures yet, apart from increased vigilance.

We have completed the search we set earlier, and we found nothing. We carpet-searched Street 39, especially after my last episode, but we still came out empty-handed. The feeling never went away though. It only got more intense, and I was sure there was something wrong.

But it has gotten difficult to act for us. I could see it in the eyes, a spark of rebellion, in the eyes of people.

But not everything was bad.

Morgan finally woke up.

And that’s where we are headed right now. To his house, as he asked of us to meet him there, instead of in the hospital.

After another 5 minutes of uncomfortable silence, we finally reached Wallen St. and stood in front of his house.

Ding dong

Aidan rang the doorbell and we all waited for Morgan to open the gate. We could hear the sound of footsteps from behind the door and it came to a stop in front of the door. We thought he’d open the gate, but he didn’t.

We stood like that for a minute, confused and looking at each other, and only then did he open the gate.

He looked…. sick. His hair was ruffled up, heavy eyes, a pale and malnourished face, and a smile that spoke of embarrassment, guilt, and apology.

“Hello…Morgan. How are you? Can we come in?” asked Aidan, who I can see was startled with the same observations for a moment.

“Yes sure, please come in. Forgive me for my tardiness. I haven’t had much time to clean up.” he led us in with the apology and we all filtered in one by one, hung our coats on the hanger at the entrance, and entered his living room.

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Dust has settled in on the table and floor, and the couches seemed to be hurriedly cleaned. Overall it was much dirtier than the last time I came here, but less messy.

We took our seats and Morgan bought a small chair for himself before sitting in the middle himself. I didn’t like it. It felt like an interrogation and so I offered him my seat, but he rejected.

He just sat there looking nervous, evident by the repeated tapping of his feet.

“How are you feeling, Morgan?” Aline asked.

“I…I’m good. A little tired and tipsy, but better.”

“Have you had anything? Let us make you something to eat before we start talking. We’ll just need a little help of yours in finding the stuff.” Aline looked towards Juliana and they were about to stand up when Morgan stopped them “No, no! Please don’t bother. I’m fine. I’d rather have this talk now and get it over with…”

We were a little shocked at his refusal and no one said anything for a moment. It looks like it only made him more nervous, as he started chewing on his nails too.

“Let’s have the talk then, if that’s what you want.” I said “What happened that night? Why did you take the jump? And did you take it knowing there was a cone of rock down there?”

“Hahhh, that night….

“I don’t know what happened. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. One moment I was having dinner, laughing together with everyone else, and next, I had this urge, to go to the balcony. I looked at the moon and I thought, would dying really be so bad? Is our immortality really a blessing or a curs-”

“What the hell are you saying!?” Vincent shouted furiously, standing up and glared at Morgan. “Are you trying to go against the church!? Insult our Lord!? After enjoying the benefits yourself for years!!? Isn’t that a little too much hypocritical of you?”

“What do you know!!?” Morgan shouted back, still seated “You got what you always wanted!! But what about me? Did anyone ask me what I wanted? Ever!!!? NO. My parents were so happy I got chosen, they forbade me from pursuing anything else, as if serving someone was my only destiny in this world- “

“But it is! We have chosen, handpicked by Him to serve Him. What else can you ask for?” Matheo interjected from the side, and I could see he was utterly disappointed and shaken.

“Heh, what do you know? Have you ever justified suicide Matheo? Have you ever felt what it’s like living for someone who has lost the only thing he wanted? Everything, Matheo! Everything becomes meaningless!! That’s when you know it, that’s when you know why people commit suicide.

“Have any one of you ever cared enough about me to ask it? Cared enough to ask if there’s something I like. What I wanted to do before I was ‘chosen’ to be the slave I am right now?” Morgan shouted through gritted teeth as he clenched and unclenched his hair.

“What do you really want then huh? Tell us Morgan, what is it that you want? And was it cause of…. this, that you decided to jump that day?” Aidan spoke calmly, very calmly.

“Don’t mention it, there’s no point in speaking about it now. You wanna know about the night, and that’s all you’ll get from me today. No, I did not take the jump wanting to die. If I could endure for so long, I’m not gonna break so easily.

“I was forced. I don’t know how, but for a second I felt myself going blank and the next thing I know, I woke up in the hospital today. I don’t know anything about the cone or whatever.” he explained that night.

“Could you please leave me now? I am a little tired and would prefer to be left alone for now. I’ll visit the church tomorrow and …. leave the order.” he said with a hint of hesitation.

“What!!? You’ll leave the order? Don’t do this Morgan, I’m sure there’s still time for us to fix this. You can do what you want when this is all over, but think about it for a while, don’t be impulsive- “ Matheo was rudely intercepted by Morgan who said with his palm out “Don’t waste your breath Matheo, I have thought about it. I have thought about it for long.

“To be honest, I would have left the order sooner or later anyway. But after the recent events, I’m not sure about staying part of the order any longer. I have served my due for very long, and it’s time I do something for myself.” Morgan grew quiet after saying that.

No one said a word after that. We were all shocked, felt betrayed, and devastated. One of our own had been living like this for so long, and we had no idea. And now he was gonna leave us.

I don’t know how I felt myself. I hadn’t said a word this entire time, nor had Juliana and Aline. I don’t what’s going on in their minds. Aline looked…. devastated. She had these hollow eyes that stared at Morgan as if she was seeing him for the first time.

Juliana on the other hand, was trying to hold it in. She was angry I’m sure. But she looked more heartbroken that she didn’t know about what Morgan had been feeling all this while. She looked like she would cry if Morgan said anything more.

As for me…. I have been chanting the mantra ever since Morgan started speaking. I don’t know what to say, what to do. I didn’t wanna deal with these emotions right now. Not in front of everyone. I always thought I could go through this, with everyone.

Although captain was missing, we can find him. The family will be back in no time. But now…

“Let’s go everyone.”

Aidan said and stood up. He gave Morgan one last, long look and said “I hope you succeed in whatever you do Morgan. It’s been a pleasure knowing you all these years. Goodbye.” with that he turned around and walked out.

“Goodbye Morgan, I hope I never see you again!” Vincent growled as he stormed out of the room too.

“Goodbye Morgan, I hope you live a good life after this.” Martin too left saying that.

“Goodbye friend… I’m sorry for being a bad friend to you. If we ever meet again, I’ll try to be better” Matheo gave a weak smile and I could see tears across his cheeks.

“Goodbye Morgan… I hope you’ll forgive me too.” Aline helped Juliana up who also left with a small “Goodbye”.

It was just me and him left, and I had nothing to say to him but a goodbye. As I stood up to take my leave I heard him mutter.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…. I’m sorry Oliver I’m sorry I’m sorry.

“I can’t anymore, I can’t I can’t I can’t. I’m so sorry. I’m scared. I’m scared.

“I’m sorry…Oliver.”

“Goodbye Morgan.” with that I left him alone in the room.

Walking out of the house, I saw them standing there with reddened eyes and some sniffing under their hands

At that moment I heard Aidan say,

“The wise who survived alone, fell to the loneliness it brought him;

“The idiot who fought alone, fell with the joy it brought him.”

At that moment I understood, I would be the wise one, but I’d have a better ending.

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Ding dong

‘Who’s it so late?’ I wondered as I got off my bed. It was midnight and I was trying to fall asleep, but the events of the day played continuously in my head, and sleep eluded me.

Opening the door, I was greeted with the familiar meow of my favorite cat and the face of Juliana.

‘Why is she here right now?’ I thought to myself.

“I’m sorry Oliver, can I sleep with you?” she said with a straight expression.

‘What!?’

I was pretty shocked at her words. I mean she is beautiful, and I did have some feelings for her when I started, but that was in the past and at this point, not much of it is left. But I never thought of her as one to suggest something like this on her own.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked for confirmation.

“I… can’t sleep alone. I wanted someone beside me, I can’t go to someone else. They have their families and such, so I thought to come to you, and Mr. Royale likes you too…. Is that a problem?” she explained, still impervious to my doubts.

“Oh, yes sure you can. Please come in.” I invited her in, feeling like an idiot internally.

She was dressed in a yellow blouse and a blue frock which covered her legs. She also carried a purse slung on her shoulders.

As soon as she entered the room, Mr. Royale jumped from her embrace and walked up the stairs to what I can only assume be my bedroom.

“Do you want an extra pair of clothes for the night?” I asked as we moved up the stairs too, confused if she’d be comfortable enough to sleep in that outfit.

“Don’t worry, I bought them with me. Just show me to the washroom.” she said, pointing to her purse.

“Ah yes, it’s right here.” I showed her to the bathroom on the second floor.

Meanwhile she changed, I came back to my room and as predicted found Mr. Royale standing on the bed looking all over. So I searched in the closet and found his pillow and blanket (the towel), laid it out for him who promptly came to welcome his old bed and tucked him properly.

Then I went to get the extra mattress from the guest room in my room, and sprawled it on the floor, barely fitting it against the wall and the bed.

Bought sheets, blankets, and a pillow too. By the time I was done, she came out wearing a top and pajamas which covered her legs below her knees.

“You can sleep on my bed. I’ll sleep on the floor.” I offered as I tried not to look for too long. The whole situation was already weird enough and I didn’t wanna make it even more so.

“Thank you, but I’ll sleep on the floor. You don’t have to worry about me.” she rejected the offer.

“Are you sure? You are a guest, I don’t wanna be seen as rude for having you sleep on the floor.” I said with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes it’s totally alright.” she said and came over to fix the bedsheets properly. I, giving in to her demand, came back to my bed and tucked myself in my blanket.

After a few minutes, I can hear her getting comfortable in her bed too, and so I stop thinking about her and pet Mr. Royale who purrs silently.

“He trusts you a lot.” she said after a few minutes.

“I guess he does….. I like him too” I responded

“Hmm”

“Oliver, what did you want to become before being chosen? Do you still wanna be something else?” she asked, feigning a curiosity, but I could feel the undertone of anxiousness in her voice.

“Me? I don’t know…. I was just a kid abandoned on the docks when he was 14. I think I just wanted to survive. Before that though, I wanted to become an adventurer I guess. Travel to various continents, climb Mt. Absoli if I ever gathered enough courage.

“But those dreams waned away… got replaced I guess. Priorities changed, I wanted to survive. Live long, and so being part of the church was the best thing for me. I feel lucky I got chosen.

“I love it here, Juliana. It felt like a family here, after 10 years, so don’t worry Juls, I am not going anywhere.” I reassured her.

For a few moments I didn’t hear anything, but I knew she was still awake so I waited for her to respond.

“That was a nice dream, Oliver. Maybe after this is over, we can still do it? Take a vacation for a few weeks and explore the world a little. I haven’t had a chance to move out of town in years either.” she said, conveniently replacing my dream with a shared one.

But I didn’t complain, I’d love that too.

“What about you, Juliana? What did you want to be before becoming part of the order?” I asked, mostly out of courtesy rather than curiosity. Thought I was a little curious.

“Me? Well I wanted to open a bookstore. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t have enough money so I’d have had to take the job as a librarian if I hadn’t gotten chosen.

“But I don’t hate the order. It has given me enough money and I can buy as many books as I want now. It’s not much of a peaceful life as I wanted it to be, but it’s alright.” she finished her story.

“I see… I’m glad you are enjoying yourself” I said.

“I’m glad too, Oliver.”

“Goodnight, Juliana.”

“Goodnight, Oliver.”

“meow~”