Well in the lobby, I sit down. The floor beneath me is WHITE. My shadow is BLACK.

Purely by routine, I slit a line across my palm. RED drops of blood drip down between my legs.

RED, WHITE, and BLACK.

RED, WHITE, BLACK.

RED… WHITE… BLACK…

I blink, slowly.

Red, white, and black.

I put my finger into the blood, drawing a red line through the white floor and my black shadow. Swish, swish, swish. Eventually, I’ve drawn a heart. A red heart, surrounded by black shadow, on the white floor. Isn’t that nice?

I lie down and stare up at the endless white void above. When I close my eyes, the black is calming, even though the light tinges it with red.

I feel calm now. Relaxed. At peace, strangely enough.

A smile rises to my lips. I was able to bring him back, in the end. Now… now, he won’t have to worry about me anymore. He can move on with his life, and so can I. He’ll live his own life. I’ll live mine. And I won’t hurt him ever again.

My lips tremble. Hot red shame wells up to my eyes and streaks down my cheeks and neck.

…I miss him.

I miss his laughter. I miss his smile. I miss his voice, and I miss his words.

But… this is how it has to be. This is how it should have gone, years ago.

I wipe off my face, cheeks and neck. Hastily sitting up again, I shake my head.

Right! No use in dwelling on it. It happened, the world moves on, and I have a promise to fulfill. That’s why I have to move forward. I’m sure that right at this moment, Moleman is moving on, too. He’s strong. Much stronger than I am.

I stand up. A poster on a nearby pillar catches my eye.

‘Hang in there!’

All too true.

My eyes move around the empty lobby. Well? I got the floor clear message, I got the god of comedy’s cryptic reward… Considering that I just beat floor thirty, there’s something missing. So, out with it. Go on. I’m waiting.

wrings His hand-equivalents.>

<[Have you calmed down now?]>

Yes, I have. And I’m ready to make my wish, so…

Before I have time to finish my thought, I’m whisked away, and all of a sudden I’m standing in the most sterile room I’ve ever seen. It looks like a therapist’s office, but not like the real ones—rather, it looks like the ones you’d see in a soap opera or something. The kind of therapist office whose owner would recommend yoga and veganism to cure schizophrenia.

“I can tell you’re thinking mean things,” Pain says from His chair, “but the fact that I can’t understand what you’re saying is messing with Me.”

I turn around to face Him. “You can get messed with?”

His permanent smile turns thin. “Yes, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t.”

I sit down on the couch opposite to Him, seating myself to face Him properly. “Alright,” I say. “I won’t.”

He inches back a little where He sits, writing something on the notepad in His hands. “Really?”

“Yeah. Really.”

“Well… Okay, then!” He beams a smile. “Phew, that’s great to hear. I was starting to get worried!”

I restrain myself from asking why. Considering that He’s supposed to be a several thousand-year old god, being messed with shouldn’t do anything. Though, I suppose, if He finds it unpleasant, I shouldn’t press it. “So,” I say, “what’s with the new decor?”

“Do you like it? I thought it’d fit with the theme of your last visit, though now that you’re here, I’m starting to reconsider.”

“Can we skip the whole talking thing and get to the wish-making?”

He flinches. “...Are you sure? I was thinking that since you’re currently fresh out of conversation partners, I might be able to…”

“I wish I was a good person,” I say. He blinks at me. So, I repeat myself. “I wish,” I say, “that I was a good person. A moral one, who knew right from wrong. You should be able to do that, right? Maybe You can’t directly make me better, but… At the very least, You should be able to transplant some kind of moral compass in me. Maybe have a morality system, where if I do the wrong thing, a little pop-up shows up, telling me ‘murdering someone kills them!’ and then I can avoid doing that. If it also told me what I did right, I think that would work really well. Moleman told me I learn best from positive reinforcement, and I think I agree with him, at least partly.” I smile hopefully. “Can You fix that? It would be really helpful.”

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

“I…” Lightly shaking His head, He leans in closer. “I’m sorry, but that isn’t… What you’re asking for is… It’s just not feasible. What you want is for someone to watch and judge your every move, which simply isn’t possible for Me. I have duties, you know. Prayers to answer, paperwork to file… Babysitting your conscience simply doesn’t fit into my schedule.”

“Then,” I say, my hands trembling, “maybe one of the other gods could do it? Or all of them. That would be good, right? They could give a nuanced, general perspective on my actions, and judge accordingly. If everyone does it, no one will have to watch me all the time. And—and you know… I like games, and numbers, so… If we implemented a point system to match their opinion of me, then…”

“What you want,” the God of Pain says, “is something you have already rejected.”

I freeze in place. “S—sure, it didn’t work before, but I wasn’t really trying to get better, right? I was just cruising along, being evil, hurting people without a shred of care… But I know that’s wrong now! So, now, I’ll actually listen to their advice! Now—”

He smiles thinly at me. “Now, you’ve gotten better.”

I bite my tongue. “No,” I choke out. “No, I haven’t. I’m as bad as I’ve always been. Knowing that I’m bad doesn’t change anything. No… No, that isn’t true. The fact that I know I’m bad makes me worse, because now, whatever harm I do… it’s conscious. It’s aware. I’m aware. So I have to change. And You—You can help me! Please. It’s my wish. It’s all I want. It’s all I need. And—and if not that, then…” A pathetic smile streaks across my face, and I look down at the floor. White marble tiles. How disturbingly fitting. “I wish that You’d get rid of me.”

“I can’t do that.”

“You can,” I whisper, my eyes still on the floor. “It would be easy. We both know it. You see, I’m… I’m a blight on this world. I hurt everyone I love. My family was better off without me, and so is Moleman, and this world. Don’t pretend this isn’t the case. Why else would the gods hold a vote on whether to keep me or toss me out?”

“We decided to keep you, though.”

“Only half of you. The other half had the right idea. The god of love voted for me to stay here because he didn’t want me back on Earth. That’s the only reason I’m still around. You should have killed me all the way back then. Or—or am I not worthy of even death? Do You think death is a mercy I can’t afford? I wouldn’t disagree. Maybe You’re like Cruelty, and think living is a greater suffering than dying. Being the God of Pain, You must know that letting me live would certainly create more pain in the world. So, You refuse me even the smallest of kindnesses. You truly are one of the evil gods. Perfectly fit to rule over someone like—”

There’s a grumble. I look up to see the God of Pain, His face set in an expression of disgust. He isn’t smiling anymore. I flinch at the sight, recalling for once that I’m in the presence of a God.

“You’re pathetic,” He says. “You can’t stand a single person mourning your passing? Do you hate yourself that much?” He scoffs. “And you’re supposed to be our greatest soldier. Too busy drowning in your self-loathing to consider the feelings of those around you.”

“That’s not it,” I say, dumbly. “That’s not why I’m saying this. You got it wrong, this is—”

“A pathetic display from a child begging for a few more scraps of attention before heading gently into that good night. Isn’t that it? You hope that if you put yourself down harshly enough, you might rouse my sympathy. And you might have, before this. What you’ve done is your own fault. Becoming someone else, forcing your moral duties onto someone else, or even dying is just your cowardly way of escaping responsibility.”

“No. No, that isn’t why. I do want to die. But I can’t do it myself. If—if You do it, You can make me suffer more than anyone has before! Hurting someone like me is moral. It’s—”

“Your moral arguments are shallow, even more so than those of your friend.”

“My…?” My hands clench into fists. “How dare You? Don’t speak of him. Not like that.” Grinding my teeth, hands trembling with rage, I fly to my feet. “Don’t you dare say that about him! Moleman always knows what’s right, and what to do, and what not to do! So, if he thinks I’m evil, then—”

He’s smiling again. All rage seeps out of my body and I’m left trembling, confused.

His hands fold themselves atop His lap. “There. Now you’re back again.”

“I—I’m…” I shake my head. “What…?”

“You were gone there for a bit. How do you feel, Kitty?”

“I feel…” I scowl. “—Just about ready to smash Your obnoxious white teeth in, You damn moon-man!”

He laughs heartily. “Happy to hear it! Yes, that’s exactly how you should speak. None of that self-pitying parade.”

“...What are you even talking about?”

“Well,” He says, fully ignoring me as He stands up, dwarfing me as usual, “this has gone on long enough. Now, tell Me. What do you wish for?”

“I told you, I—” The look in His eye silences me. Right. He’s right. That’s not actually what I want, is it? What I really want is… “Please make it so I don’t have to return to the lobby.”

He hums happily. “Because it makes you feel positively horrible?”

“No,” I say. “Because I don’t want to waste time when I could be beating floors and getting better.”

His smile widens into a broad grin. “Lovely! Done. Though… Considering that the lobby is supposed to act as a time of relaxation and socialization, removing it would sooner be seen as a detriment than a handicap. So, I’ll be nice. You get another wish. Now, what would you like to wish for?”

I pause where I stand. Well, that’s not what I expected. I get to make another wish, huh… That’s a tough one. I guess… “If… when I die… Could you let people know? Like… anyone who cares whether I live or die. I can’t guess who this would be, but…”

“I can,” He answers easily, smiling gently. “Consider it done.” Nodding to Himself, He begins to move towards the door. I follow Him at a distance. “It’s about time you got going, My friend.” As I approach, He opens the door, holding it open for me. “Beyond this door is the next floor. And after that…” He chuckles. “I have a feeling our next meeting might be a bit strange. Though, all things considered… I doubt it will take too long. Have a good one, Kitty. I’ll be cheering for you.”

I glance up at Him, and then at the open doorway. It’s dark out there. From now on, I’m on my own. It might get very lonely. Nothing I’m unused to. But, still…

I turn to Him, and give Him a hug.

When I leave His embrace, my whole body is trembling, and I feel like I got struck by lightning, chewed up by rats, bathed in Joker-chemicals and thrown off a rooftop wearing nothing but a suit made of porcupines. But He’s smiling.

“How unexpected! It’s been a while since… No, I’m not sure if anyone’s ever hugged Me willingly before. How funny!” His grin turns cruelly teasing and He parts His arms again. “I don’t suppose you might want another one?”

“No—no, I’m good,” I croak out. “I’ll… haah… be going now. Th—thanks.”

“Always happy to have you for a visit. Goodbye, Kitty, I’ll see you again. Hope you enjoy the floor!”

Waving at Him, I exit through the door.

Wet, cold and barren cave walls meet me and I remember that this tutorial has no damn originality. “Hey, Pain, this floor sucks, can I skip i—” Ah, nope, the doorway’s already closed. Just my luck.

No other choice, I guess. I’ll just have to keep moving.

Unfortunately for Pain, this floor sucks, and I will refuse to explain to what extent. Just know that it contained chained-up giants who weren’t too happy to see me. Luckily for my betterment, they were all chained up, so I didn’t need to kill them. So… I didn’t.

I can only hope that that was the right choice. Killing is bad, after all. Unless these giants actually wanted to be killed, in which case I should probably have killed them. But I can’t know that. How am I supposed to know what their eyes mean when I’m too busy trying not to think about how I’m the size of their thumbs? Insanity.

Since I didn’t fight them, the floor itself was pretty easy. There were some parasitic creatures plaguing the giants which I killed, but killing monsters isn’t bad. R—right? Animals are fine to kill. Yeah. Nothing bad there.

I just have to keep going.

In the end, beating the floor wasn’t any difficult. I came out of it without spilling sapient blood, and I think this is only the first of many such triumphs. With any luck, it should only get easier from here on out.

the following item:

[Really Big Tooth]>