From a young age, I learned how easier it was just following the rules. Truth be told, I was scared; alone. I was never told how big the world was. When I started seeing more people than I was taught to comprehend, it started dawning on me; but it never truly sunk in. For a brain accustomed to seek patterns, the lack of one was daunting. Conveniently, everyone around me seemed to peddle their own. Their conviction in their beliefs was so magnetic it was impossible for anyone without the benefit of hindsight to free themselves from it. So I followed them. They were my first Gods. I followed what they said, took their punishments and words to heart, and swore to live by their ways. For an atheist, I had several severe theist tendencies. Of course, as I grew up and realized how the world was even bigger than I had fooled myself to believe, all these convictions decayed into mere cajolery and seemed to bounce and echo off each other until they were noise ringing painfully in my ears. But the years had done its damage; by caging me in their world, I had forgotten how to fly. The sun too bright, the rain too heavy. I fell into other cages. Born into a world where sports was everything, it was painfully obvious how bad I was at it compared to the rest. From what little I knew, art and sports came from the heart, unlike science and maths. Thus, at a young age, convinced of my heart's inferior pedigree, I learned to never trust my gut; I theorize the antibiotics I took as a child were responsible for killing all those good gut bacteria vital for these abilities. Without a gut to trust, I was forced to fall back on the world's support. I constantly sought validation, which meant every day there was a storm brewing; the slightest contradicting fact was enough to ruin me for a very long time. Often the world didn't even offer support; sometimes, there was no answer. Then with no final word to blanket my fall, I'd come crashing straight down, lost and helpless. 

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

Worse was my fear of the unknown. It takes great conviction to face insecurities head-on. Lacking that, the entire world leaked into my head; and my entire self leaked into the world. I was convinced I was weak, by the world first and, as a result of it, by myself second. Any attempt to counter that was futile. Unable to deal with it further, I tore myself off the only space I could slightly call safe: my parents. I shut myself off them and went on the Hero's Journey alone. But due to my incredible short-sightedness, I failed to realize how my abilities were never close to that of a Hero and how a mentor was always a crucial part of the Hero's Journey. I was stranded alone, forced to convince myself how this was the only way to grow strong, drowning in my own pool of tears setting in motion a cycle of shame, guilt, and fear. I didn't know how to talk to girls. I didn't know how to be friends with them. I didn't know what it felt to be open about your worries and dreams. I didn't know what it felt like to have a shoulder to cry on. All I ever knew was that I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own, and was stubborn enough to deny any chance of love and support life threw at me. That was until I met her.