When I opened my eyes again, what I saw looked like something out of horror films.

The inside of a gothic cathedral.

Colorful panes, pews, pillars, arches and all that gothic architectural stuff.

Looking around a bit more, I spotted a flight of stairs behind the Altar

Of course, being the brave soul I am, I decided to go down the stairs that may or may not eventually lead to my death.

Then it hit me like a truck.

“Didn’t I get hit by a truck?….”

So, I’m probably already dead, shrugging my shoulders, I continued down the spiral (stairs) of Darkness.

At the end of it, there was a dead end, of course since it was dark, it took me awhile to realize it was a door.

Opening it, the scenery around me completely changed, and I unconsciously muttered

“Is that...a kotatsu?”

Aye, it was an orange kotatsu, in a 2LDK room.

All around were shelves filled with figurines, and at the corner was a large-ish LCD with several gaming consoles, along with a personal server.

After looking at the kotatsu again, I could see feet sticking out. Going around it, I could see a girl around my age, sleeping.

She had long brown hair, which was splayed out across the pillow. She had fair skin, which looked really soft. I couldn’t see much because of the blanket covering most of her.

She was also drooling with an eye mask on.

Crouching down, I poked the cheeks of the girl.

“Hnn~”

That sounded strangely erotic.

Being the virgin I am, I kept on poking her cheeks.

“Stahp~~No more~~”

I gulped once more.

“Hau~~Munya~~”

Then, the unthinkable happened.

*nom*

That girl...bit my whole hand.

“Mmm, ~~ Vevish~~ Haumph~~!”

She was biting really hard onto my hand now. Hey, stop that! I was frantically shaking my hand, but this girl was biting down on it hard. Is this how those that hunt catfish feel?!

-

Somehow I managed to yank my hand out of her mouth. Other than the drool, there wasn’t any bite marks or pain from it. Come to think of it, I didn’t actually feel pain from the biting.

“Ngh~. Eh? Where did my chicken feet go?”

“Chi-chicken feet?!” I couldn’t help but react to that.

The girl in front of me slowly took off her eye mask in a somewhat lethargic manner. She seemed to be looking around, sniffing the air as well like some little animal looking for food, albeit more slowly.

Her eyes then locked onto me.

“...”

“...”

“...”

Her droopy eyes then hid themselves, as the eye mask came back on.

“You must be the new guy. Well, since Aliana is on vacation, go make me something delicious. Don’t wake me up otherwise. Goodnight~~.”

With that, the little girl turned her head away from me and shut herself from the world, her head making a loud *plop* onto the pillow again.

Obviously, there was only one way to react, a facepalm.

With a sigh, I began shaking her shoulders.

“Munya~~” The girl was roused awake again. “Is it breakfast already?”

The girl rubbed her eyes after taking the eye mask off for the second time.

“I’m not a lackey, the last thing I remember, is dying….But calling a Hero a lackey….the disgrace...”

“Eh? So you’re not the new lackey? I thought I did let Aliana get someone. A hero was it? I thought it meant lackey.”

“Like I said before, I’m not a lackey.”

“Well, if you’re not the lackey then can you wait in the room earlier? I’m trying to sleep…. I’ll get back to you later~~”

“Seriously!!? I got hit by a truck, following the general rule of Isekai, where’s my cheat like ability!!?”

“Oh? Oh! Isn’t this that standard [you died because a truck ran over you]? Ah, I see, I see!”

Oddly, the girl got fired up, releasing the hold her blankets had on her. It was then I realized why I saw seeing so much skin.

She was wearing a semi-transparent babydoll that barely covers much at the front (with a lot at the front), with the back fully exposed, tied down together by two straps at the neck and at the waist. Does this even qualify as sleeping wear?! Isn’t this an apron?! Worst of it was that she was wearing a violet fundoshi below, which barely covered the front and doesn’t seem to be covering the back. How would I know?

It was because when she got up, it barely functioned to cover up the-.

“Munya~ Someone’s thinking ecchi~~”

“Uhm, this, and uhhh….”

“Don’t worry, don’t worry~~ Hauu~~ I know boys have their needs, just like I have my need for sleep.”

She yawned, stretching up. Oi! Oi! Your fundoshi! This little oppai loli is doing something dangerous!

“Huwaa~ Sorry, not even this cliche is firing me up. ~~Hau~~ Why did I even agree to her vacation?”

With the still lazy eyes, she looked at me.

“Stop ogling a goddess~ Would you want me to send you away without a [cheat]?”

“No….”

“Good boy~~”

She got on her tiptoes and patted my head.

“Now go to the other room and wait for me to call you, ok~~”

Being surprised at my own obedience, I silently made my way to the other room.

It was then I realized...

“An oppai loli…I’m truly dead aren’t I?”

After all, it was an oppai loli, a oppai loli

Once more, a oppai loli

*drip*

I’m having a nosebleed…..

I want to see her again...

But, sadly the door leading back to the room of that oppai loli was locked. Rather, it’s more appropriate to say that the door vanished altogether. Right now, all I’m seeing is a large knocker.

After banging on it several times, I heard a voice from above.

“Oh uhh… Hello? Hello~~? Anyone there? Mister Chicken Feet?”

I was expecting to meet the goddess. What I saw instead was a floating LCD screen showing the room I had looked before. The loli was nowhere to be seen.

“Oh! I can see you clearly~~ Aliana did good work~~ Ok, lemmie take a quick bath and then let’s get down to business~~”

Whatever retort I was just doing went out of my mind as I saw a familiar fundoshi fly across the screen.

“Don’t worry~ I can hear you from here~”

The extremely dangerous babydoll was the next to go flying.

“Huwah~~ Someone seems to want to a video~~ No ecchi~~”

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“...”

*drip*

Damnit, to see a real life oppai loli….I can die happy…

...

….Aren’t I already dead?

“Hauwah~~ This~ feels~ so~ good~~”

“Oh yes, Chicken Feet. Sorry~ I forgot this is the point where I should be telling you about there being a Demon King and a world that needs to be saved right? Well, I just told you that...except there’s SEVERAL Demon Kings. They’re like cockroaches; two popping up when you kill one~”

“So...I get to enjoy a Isekai life?”

“So, yeah...etto… I’m supposed to be sending you down there as the Hero who saves the world (lol), but honestly, even WITH so many final bosses around, it’s not THAT bad~~ There’s a kingdom for example that has trained a legion of flying warriors that can match the might of a thousand men and that’s WITHOUT magic. There’s also a place that excels using tamed monsters so much that they got divisions of JUST monsters! Huwah~~ It’s fun when they go on a rampage. Come to think of it, those two did clash once. I forgot why, but it was a laugh watching the festivities~~.”

That sounded really exciting, I can feel the Adrenaline flowing

“....Are you gonna send me there?”

“Ah? No, I won’t send you to such a hard core area. Rather, there IS a proper continent where the standard isekai thingy happens. I’ll send you there, since your death was some stupid cliche~~. Tee hee~~.”

The urge to facepalm was strong in me.

“Well, at least it’s an isekai, what’s this place like?”

“That place is called [Tutorial Continent], and I’ll be sending you to the [Kingdom of Noob]. Sounds okay, right?”

“...Did, you have a hand in naming it?”

“Eh? Umm...yeah I might’ve influenced the naming of it. It was a joke at the time, but they treat it like a divine gift~~. Fufu, that was a riot~~.”

I rubbed my chin for a bit

“You know...I like you Miss Goddess”

“Umm...okay? Tell me that after you make me a banquet. Three banquets a day, please~~.”

“If i do….will you fall head over heels for me?”

“Nope!”

“So cruel~~”

“Is this the so-called [foreplay]? It...it doesn’t sound erotic. Ah well- oh! Look at the time!

Okay, so you have until I’m done with my bath to tell me ALL about your life so I might adjust your new body. Or I could ignore everything and just reincarnate you into a slime, mmm?”

“Read the prologue?”

“Too lazy~~ I might as well send you as a squishy slime at this rate~~.”

“....Long story short, overachiever, boring life”

“Squish squish~ Squishy slime between the breasts~~.”

“Are you trying to give me a nosebleed….again?”

“Aww...is the poor ero doutei reaching climax? Oh you know I don’t mind if you make a really big mess there~~ I’m not the one cleaning it after all~~”

“...You’re unexpectedly cruel aren’t you?”

“Funyu~~ Just because I’m a goddess doesn’t make me a saint~~”

“Well, I guess this in itself, is a sort of gap moe”

“Oh I’m shriveling up here, so I better end this here. Ah, so basically I’ll just give you some average stats then. Oh, though you were a riot…. Hmm. Oh! Let’s make you an excellent cook!”

“I’ll massage your shoulders”

“You can’t eat a massage.”

“I’m already an Excellent cook, I’ll cook you anything you want”

“Ok? Alright then I want a dragon wellington with a gryph au vin with a side of croissant[1]. If you make it poorly, I’ll send you down as a slime~~”

“Very well, do you have the Ingredients?”

“Oh, there’s a door that’s about to appear on your right. It’ll lead to a kitchen and a pantry. Use the evil dragon meat, the hell gryphon, and the happiness cow. Ah, don’t worry about the language; I had Aliana label all the shelves in English. Fuwah…you can be rough with the cooking materials; they’re made of orichalcum anyways. As for me, I’ll head back to sleep~~. Wake me up when it’s time to eat~~.”

The screen that was showing what was happening next door vanished, and a rumbling sound can be heard to the right.

“Well...might as well get started”

I rolled up my sleeves and made my way through the door

[A few agonizing hours later]

“Fuckin’ hell, This in itself was the ultimate battle...but it’s finally done...whew….wait, how do I wake her up?”

As if on cue another door appeared out of nowhere

“That..I like her more and more”

The door leads me into a dark chasm, with several floating blocks ahead in a row, shining a pale yellow. From out of nowhere, there’s the sound of music playing. It sounds familiar, like it’d belong in some game with a plumber.

“Fufu...how’s my faithful recreation of 1-2? Don’t worry, there’s no enemies here, but the door to my room is at the end of this level~~”

“Eh? But won’t your food get cold?”

“Then hurry up. I’ll give you a 120-second timer~~”

“That’s a bit unfair...but sure, I’ll take the challenge”

With a broad grin, I started jumping like that Certain plumber

As if on cue, the sound of the music changed to something more fast-paced after an auditory warning.

“Honestly...I might just fall in love”

Putting power into my legs, I started running faster

“I’ll make it!”

The door was in sight. It was left open. Clearly, I could see the familiar kotatsu.

“There’s no way she would make it this easy”

Sure enough, I could hear a rumbling sound, from behind me.

What looked to be a giant Tenga was rolling towards me, breaking up the walls as it went careening down the only path; the path that I was on.

“I’m in love”

Using all my strength I kept running towards the goal that was in sight.

Not so surprisingly, the giant Tenga was faster

But that was according to my calculations, and since I’m already dead, I really have nothing to lose, therefore I carried out the next part of my plan.

When the Tenga was close enough, I jumped and got on top of it, and like a scene from a certain anime that involves ‘Dragon’ and ‘ball’ I started running on top of the Tenga.

The forward momentum of the Tenga helped me to somehow adjust my pace so that I didn’t fall off.

And when I was close enough, I jumped from the Tenga, into the door, without dropping even a single item from the food tray in my hand.

“Whew~”

I hunched over and started breathing deeply, repaying my Oxygen debt.

The sudden noise of clapping made me look up again

“Huwah~ You managed to clear it in such a funnier way than Aliana did. Then again, with her, I had to set up gatling cannons~~ Come, come! Don’t make me stay hungry~~!” She was all smiles, seated at the kotatsu while wearing another blanket over her body.

“Yes yes, you crazy Goddess”

Her voice suddenly went cold as she glared at me.

“Did...did you just call me crazy?”

“Crazily cute”

“...” She didn’t seem convinced.

“Give me a break, you’re the first girl that I tried praising, now get to eating before the food goes cold”

“...Where’s the plate, forks, and spoons?”

“...I’ll feed you?”

“...” The goddess picked up one of the cloche covering a dish and then walked up towards me.

*pang*

“...ouchie”

...I have no regrets

“Don’t worry, I brought those things”

Taking out a fork and knife covered in cloth, from my pockets, I picked up one of the dishes, and there was a clean separate plate under it.

“There, happy?”

*pang*

This time it was aimed at my crotch.

“Should’ve done it from the start.” The goddess, poutily, went back to her place at the kotatsu, like some furry creature being bundled up in that blanket of her again.

“But, you’re so irresistibly cute, I couldn’t stop myself from teasing you-.”

“I’m sending you down as a slime.”

“I have no regrets”

“I’m sending you down as a piece of shit.”

“...Take a bite, and then tell me whatever you want”

“I want either an apology, or witnessing a high-octane orgy of orcs on a weak little girl...and I’m looking at a pretty good candidate.”

“Sorry, but seriously, eat your food, I want to hear what a Goddess thinks of my cooking skills”

“Still not apologizing? Hmph~!” She flicked her right hand, and then my line of vision got shorter. “Now stand there while I look for a high population orc nest down below to send you to.”

“...Just eat the damn food”

My feminine voice, it shatters my manly pride, but I seriously want to hear what she thinks of my cooking skills.

“Fine. Just get out~~!” She flicked her hand again. Nothing seemed to change, but the door behind me now properly connected to the room I was once in before.

“...Can’t I watch you eat? *sob*”

...My hormones have gone haywire, haven’t they?

“Get out or I’m sending you to an orc nest as-is.”

“Very well, My humblest apologies for teasing you, can your Excellency please turn me into my previous form first, please?”

She gave me such a sweet, tender smile.

“Nope!”

“...Do you want me to beg?”

She gave me an even more tender and sweet smile.

“Nope!”

She flicked her hand, and I was sent flying out of the door, with said door slamming shut and vanishing once I cleared it.

“She’s cute, but Cruel huh”

Getting up from the floor, I dusted myself off, the LCD display once again appeared out of nowhere.

As much as I had hoped it would show me her eating like a little cute creature, that display was just showing static.

“...Cruel, my life has no meaning anymore”

More than just slightly depressed, I leaned against the wall, and started counting the number of stones on it.

[Quite a long time after losing count after a thousand and one]

The display finally showed a picture. This was the goddess, in a different room. She was actually dressed up properly this time...although the term [decent] seems to be lost on her. She was wearing some sort of soft-looking, semi-transparent white leotard emphasizing her whole figure, with bridal gauntlets covering each arm. A semi-transparent skirt was adorned on her waist. Looking at her, one thing stuck out.

She was wearing nothing underneath. You can see the parts that shouldn’t be seen, though you’d have to stress your eyes to see them.

“Oh poor little soul that had unfortunately met an untimely demise in the other world...I, the goddess Excelsa, the one true goddess of the world of Ilvain, have heard of your plight, of your struggle.”

Deciding to go along with it, I answered accordingly

“Oh great Goddess, I have given up a life filled with nothing but boredom, to save the life one fair maiden, from her un-timely demise”

Suddenly, the goddess went into a hysterical laughing fit, actually kicking up her feet on her ivory throne.

“Oh, this is so rich!! Fumu~~ I can’t believe you actually THOUGHT that happened~!! Huwah~~”

Shrugging my shoulders I answered casually

“I’m from a family of knights and heroes, what do you expect?”

“Oh screw you!! Are you trying to kill a goddess with humor?!”

“I’m happy to see that you like my strange branch of humor, if it pleases you, I don’t really mind”

“Oh fuck, I can’t take this anymore! Stop! Stop! Too damn funny~!” The screen quickly turned back to static.

“Did...I just kill a Goddess with my Humor?”

The screen then began to play a video.

In the video there was a girl, who looked kinda familiar, like something from a painting, except she was wearing a flu mask on, and had an assault rifle in her hands.

...Did she just Hijack a truck?

...is that me?

….

“Hey...Goddess...by chance, is that the one you refer to as Aliana?”

“Yep! It seems she ran you over~~ Right now she’s at some place called Komi-kon or something like that. Seems she’s being called a [hi-spec angel loli cosplay] or something like that. Fufu~~”

“Ha…”

“Apparently she DID bring someone over to work as a lackey for me after all~~”

“Ahahahahahahaha”

Holding my face, I laughed without restraint.

“It seems both your life AND your death was a big joke, eh? Fufu~~”

“Ahahaha...You don’t know the half of it…”

The latter part of my sentence came out colder than I anticipated

“Eh? But I DO know half of it...the death half~! Fufu~~”

“Yup! It seems you do~~”

“Alright, since you’ve been a good sport~~” The video that was being played on loop was cut, returning back to the view of the goddess. “I’ll send you down there. Let’s see...it’s no fun if I gave you an OP start right?”

“No...give me the potential to become the strongest”

“Why would I do that? Everyone has that potential. All it needs is a skill called effort. EFFORT.”

“That would make me strong, yes, but not the strongest”

“Okay, sure...let’s play it your way. I’ll give you some skills to make it somewhat easier to go and become the strongest faster. In exchange...I’ll be sending the strongest YOUR WAY from the get-go. Play nice, ok?”

“...I don’t mind, my life would be fulfilling that way”

“Good. It’s also good you’re an excellent cook! Anyhow, other than that...hmm, I still can tweak some things. Oh yeah!” She pounded her fist onto her hand. “How about I make it easier for you to both have a baby and have milk?”

“...Please turn me back into a male”

“Oh fine, but that’s all I’ll be doing. The language there is English anyways, and they use the old alphabet; not too hard for your little mind, right?”

“Of course not, also ca I bring my family sword with me? “

“Nope!”

“But it’s so attached to me! It even followed me here!”

“Okay, that’s just plain creepy, but no. In your stead, IT will work as my lackey.”

“...I’ll offer you a whole banquet every month”

“...I can’t eat offerings.”

“But, If I can become the strongest, I can come here and go as I please, right?”

“Uhh...no.”

“...The hell kind of logic is that…”

“...Do you actually want to feel the amount of power it would take for you to touch my realm?” Her gaze suddenly became sharp.

“...So you don’t want to eat my food anymore...that makes me kinda sad”

“Oh, that’s easy for me. I can just go incognito and eat with you...or I could just KEEP YOU HERE.”

“...You could, but I’m pretty sure, you won’t find the same amount of amusement I can give you if I went there”

“More the reason that I should just keep you here myself~~”

“...As tempting as the offer is...don’t you want to see me beat up all those blasphemous heretics that taint your great name”

“There aren’t any. At any HINT of heresy, I erase them off the planet. Shall I give you an example right here, right now?”

“But, I’m the MC-kun, if you erase me, this story would not become well-known, and not many people on the internet will praise your name”

“How are you so damn sure that this story is about you? Perhaps it’s about the trials and tribulations about a bored, glutinous, sleepy loli goddess who has to deal with cliche MCs ever chapter?”

“First of all, I was in the Prologue, second...the Author just might make that actually happen”

The goddess shrugged. “Well, there’s always the case of people using fake protagonists at the start and- why the flying fuck am I arguing with you about this?!”

She slammed her fist onto the throne.

“...I just want to keep the sword that has been with me my entire life…”

“Yeah right, aren’t there weapon control laws all over your world that stop people from doing that? Haa, whatever. That sword stays with me. No more arguments. I’m transferring you now. When you come to, you’ll wake up as your old self. Oh, because you pissed me off, I’m not allowing you to learn magic.”

“Wait! I’m sorry! I’ll do anything”

“Denied~~” She shot a sweet smile. “Bye Bye! Please die early so you can be forever my lackey quickly~~ Huwah~~ now where’s that sword….”

“It rusted the moment you said, I can’t learn magic”

“Oh, there it is!” She flicked her hand, and the familiar sword now appeared in the monitor. “That was dangerous~~ It almost followed you through the transfer~~” The world around me began to brighten.

“Before I go….If you let me use magic, I’ll make a dish, so delicious that you’ll keep throwing stronger and stronger monsters at me, so that I can die early and become your lackey”

“I’m already going to do that anyways!!” I can only hear her voice now.

“....at some point, will I be able to use magic?”

“Nope, nien, nyet, no way bro~~”

“Please! This is every Chunni’s dream!”

“And I like to crush dreams~~ Okay, enough delaying, bye!!”

The light became darkness, and I felt my consciousness fade.

-----

The whole reason the quick transfer took so long was because I had sensed something odd on that person’s soul. It was faint, but it felt like something else other than that boy.

No matter. It’s not worth my time~~ I looked at the rusting sword I snitched from the kid.

Well, no matter how long it takes before this spirit finally gives in, it’ll give in at the end. After all, I got eternity ahead of me~~

Huwah~~ Now I’m getting sleepy~~ Maybe I should sleep here? Funyu~~

Chapter 1 - End